Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Incredible Pain of Fatness

I really have NO idea how to begin this post.

I know it's the LAST thing you want to read about at this time of the year.

I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

I'm fat.


It's been a life long struggle.

I've been successful in the past.

In 2005 I joined the Leanness Lifestyle

I lost 80+ pounds.

I was so happy.
I was so healthy.
I really thought I'd never gain it back.

Being fat is painful. Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I'm not going to go into it all today.

All I know is this.

I have a problem.

Guess what?

So does everyone else.

It might not be food.

It might be alcohol.

It might be having too many cats and chickens. Oh wait, I have that one too.

It might be spending too much money.

It might be sexual.

It might be gambling.

Mine just happens to be one that I can't hide.

My adult weight has ranged from 150# to 300#.

It's such a selfish way to live. I see that more clearly now. It's beyond looking good, it's about living, and living well, and living long. It's about not being a burden to my family when I'm older. It's about not putting myself at a higher risk for heart disease, cancer and diabetes.

To say that I will address my weight problem without addressing my sugar addiction is like a gambling addict saying he or she will set up a spending budget without addressing the gambling problem.

Can a crack addict just take a 'little' crack?

Can I just have a 'little' sugar?

I don't know.

I promise not to make this blog all about my weight loss journey.

But I do promise to keep you updated weekly, because I need the public accountability.

I do promise to share healthy, tasty recipes with you.

I do promise to share the funny side of weight loss.

I do promise to succeed.

Every Wednesday morning, by 8am, I will post my weight with a newspaper so you can see how much I weigh, and the date (if you care).

If I do not meet my goal for the week, I will give the first person to leave a comment a $50 gift card.

Is that a good idea? You'll be sending me boxes of cookies won't you!?

My goal for next Wed. is 239.

I had to start this now, because I just can't stand myself anymore.
If I waited til January, like everyone else, I fear I'd gain ten more pounds.

Anyone care to join me? If you are interested in the Leanness Lifestyle, you can check it out at, or you can email me and I can fill you in on the program. It's a very good, sound, balanced program.


  1. I find that chasing cattle and taking long walks in the woods with a camera has helped me "try" to maintain a decent weight. But I have that sugar issue, similar to you. This weak I am weaning myself off of "processed" sugar by using only honey and maple syrup in my coffee, icecream and cereal. See the problem?
    I find your blog delightful and never have time to read it all. Today we have a full blown blizzard up here in Vermont, so I am sitting here with a coffee ( and maple syrup ) and will finally read everything, until the power goes off. Let the lifestyle adjustment begin~!

  2. It is indeed a never ending battle...that is why when I read about everyone's baking all these wonderful things I have to wonder...because I know I just can't eat it...the one thing Dr. Phil said that I remembered is "You can't bring the enemy home" I have lost 40 pounds and have maybe 15 to go...hope to be there by next summer...Right now I am slowly jogging five miles a day and will run a 1/2 marathon May 1st...11 years ago I ran a full marathon and I felt the best I have ever felt..I am now 56 years old and I want that feeling one more time...I know I can do it!! good luck to you...will keep watching your progress...

  3. I'm right there with you-I have had this same issue for many years.Up,Down,Up,Down.I have been to weight watchers twice and have been very sucessful. It just seems to sneak back on me! Sometimes I just pretend it's not there and other times it just eats me up. I will look into the website-I know walking helps me allot. If you need a buddy let me know-I'm in Lowell.

  4. Oh sweetie, I am with you. Thank you for sharing....although, you have waaaayyyy more guts than I do for being so public about it! lol (I just found your blog and this is the first time I've commented on it)

    My life's battle has been with food and my weight....I am now 45 years old. It started when I was around 10 years old. Still no victory. In fact, I'm afraid to try again because when I try, I am successful temporarily. But then when I fall off, I gain back MORE than what I lost. I just don't have whatever it is I need to stay on a healthy lifestyle.

    I have done WW, Atkins, South Beach, my own deals, I've bought programs, OA, no avail. I am now 300#+.

    I don't know what to do. My problem is in my head, I guess. I will read your blog with interest, to say the least.

    Thank you for your transparency.

  5. Oh My....
    Jayme, You are one brave woman.
    I have great faith that you can do this. You have done it before and you can do it again.

  6. Jayme,
    My heart went out to you when I read today's blog.I can empathise so well with how you are feeling. I'm certainly overweight now and want to lose some for next summer. Maybe we can support each other?

  7. Thanks for posting your goals. I'm so wanting to lose some weight at the beginning of the year. I will be checking back on a regualar basis to see you succeed. I know you can do it.

  8. Hubby and I love to eat and the closest thing we have to a hobby is eating! We are on diets, eating a LOT of fiber. If I don't blow upor embarrass myself in public it will be a miracle. We've been doing the Lundberg (think that's right) brown rice and wild rice mixture instead of pasta or potatoes and hey it's pretty good. Orowheat makes an extra fiber bread that keeps me full all afternoon if I make a turkey sandwich. The other thing is sweets and we make a fruit smoothie for dessert using 1/2c frozen mixed berries (unsweetened) plus a banana, tablespoon of Kerchner's wheat germ(here again I'm not sure of the spelling but it's good...kind of a nutty taste) tablespoon yogurt and then about a 1/2cup of skim milk,(about 150 calories VERY satisfying. Since I'm chocoholic I do a chocolate shake 1/2c skim milk, sugar free Nestle's and a frozen banana and it's very good too. Don't beat yourself up Jayme, you are a wonderful person who shares and loves and gives to many. I love you and I haven't even met you in person so I can only imagine how wonderful you must be! You'll make it and I will too. I've seen 120 lbs. many times but can't stay there for long. At 57, health is the #1 reason I want to be thinner but I sure would like to visit my size 12's in the other closet!

  9. Jayme, I SO share your pain! Your goal of losing 3 lbs a week sounds overly ambitious to me, unless you aim to reduce that goal as you go along. I set a goal for myself last February to lose ONE lb per week, which was working out pretty well till this fall, when my need for a hip replacement made exercise impossible. My focus now is just to maintain and not regain the 35 lbs I lost. The other 35 lbs I need to lose will have to wait till after I have surgery. Like you, the whole weight thing has been a life-long issue - love of food is in our genes! But, being 10+ years older than you, I have to tell you that I found it WAY, WAAAY harder to lose weight once I got past 50. I even saw a doctor about it, thinking I had a metabolism problem; he told me my "metabolism problem" was my age. So you're smart to wrestle with this beast again sooner rather than later. You go, girl!!!

  10. What beautiful toenails!! :) I'm with you sister! I am always up and down weight wise. I get into "live life" mode and the weight creeps on if I am not paying attention (and let's face it, I work and have 3 kids and a husband and hobbies who require a lot of attention!) We are doing a Maintain, Don't Gain! program at work to help us to not gain over the holidays. Started it last week AFTER I had gained 5 more lbs over Thanksgiving! I weighed in at 182. My goal weight is a maximum of 150, but hopefully closer to 140. I did start working out this week! I have taken off 1 lb AND I'm sore to boot. :) LOL (((hugs)))

  11. Oh, and have you tried Stevia? It is an herbal sweetener and all natural. They even make all natural flavors of it for your coffee!

  12. This is a religious comment - fair warning.
    I could liken the trouble I used to have with depression to weight gain. It was easily concealed, but still a self-destructive and wasteful pattern of living.
    What worked for me when I would (and sometimes still begin to) get too "into myself" is to be more Eternity- minded. As a Christian, I believe the commission Jesus gave us to tell everyone about Him. When I wake up out of my self and become more a part of this plan (praying more for people around me, looking for opportunities to share) I find that as i busy myself with this new focus, I quit worrying and the trouble of the moment fades to the background. Before long, I realize I've replaced old habits of thought or lifestyle. Instead of wasting energy stuck in a rut, spinning my wheels, focusing on myself in the rut, I am part of something bigger and have the perspective to be moderate and more peaceful, without ever realizing when the change took place. Just a thought.
    You can do it!

  13. Wow. You are my hero. I don't even like the doctor's office to see me step on the scales, let alone the public! God bless you. I completely relate ... up and down all my life too. I need to get back on track. I'd like to not feel horrified at the thought of taking my kids to a beach. I have never done that ... and one of these days they'll all be grown. Sigh. I have a great treadmill. I need to use it. I think you just motivated me into not being so lazy about taking care of myself. Thank you. Good luck ... I'm with you all the way!!

  14. Love you girl. You are such an inspiration. So real and brave. I wish you all the luck in the world. I sat watching the biggest loser light night and thought really? I'm still trying to lose 10-15 pounds. I've lost 45 pounds before. Why can't I finish the job? Time to get off my butt. I've started eating healthier this week too. I'm kind of dreading the Christmas baking. I did fall off the wagon a little bit today and ate a "Shame Bowl". What's a shame bowl you ask? Ready to be disgusted? It's a small bowl (I have some self control) that I fill with brown sugar and a sprinkling of chocolate chips and eat with a spoon. Gross aren't I? I try and tell myself that it's better than having a cookie because I skip the extra fat and calories from the flour, eggs and butter. Anyway... I'll be right here holding your hand and encouraging you through the journey and hoping you inspire me to lose these last silly 10-15 lbs.

  15. Dear Jayme, God bless you and help you with your goal.

    I am the same way too, and worse of all I am diabetic, cholesterol, high blood pressure.....(gambler.....ughhhhhhhh having the casions so close does not help).

    You are gorgeous, so just do it the healthy easy way. I have lost weight by crash dieting, and you gain it all back and more.

    I am trying to lose the healthy way now. I have gained 40 pounds since I started taking insulin and it makes me sick. I can not even fit into any of my clothes.

    Depression does not help either. It was my daughters birthday on the 3rd and I still have not recovered from that pain. I sent her an ecard, emails, still nothing...she is treating me as if I am dead....maybe she will be looking for me when I am dead.....

    I found out that she is pregnant and I saw a picture on facebook, as a thumbnail, and my heart aches for her. I hope and pray to God that she will wake up one day and realize how she has hurt me and my whole family. She is the only girl in our family so she was like a little princess to us.

    In the almost 4 years of my little sister and my family dealing with stage 4 colon cancer, she has not even asked me once how she is doing, they are so close in age it just makes me so sick to my stomach and now I am crying so much my heart hurts.

    I just want my beautiful little sister to be ok, please God. Maybe one day my daughter will see what she is doing.

    Just take care of yourself Jayme and I second everyone here, all these beautiful women and say that you are my hero too.


  16. You go girl...You can do it. I haven't been feeling really good lately myself and you have just inspired me to do something about it. It can't be because I just ate 3 pieces of the lemon bars that I just made. I guess I sure needed someone to kick me in the pants and reading about your struggle with weight I don't feel so alone. I'm starting right now.

  17. Your Canadian FriendDecember 9, 2009 at 6:08 PM

    I think we share the same brain, seriously. I owe you an email big time, and even more so now. I know... I know... and I know that you know just how much I know. I need to write you and tell you how my head is so much in the same place as yours it's scary. I know you understand. And I DO feel your pain. Ok girl, the time is now. You'll do it, you know how. I'll be cheering you from here. Love you...


  18. Oh my heavens. I'm going to be coming back and reading all these comments over and over, getting something out of them each time I do. I can't thank you enough for your support. You've no idea *well, maybe you do* how difficult it was to post this. Notice there are nothing but 'head shots' of me here!? LOL....

    To each and everyone one of you...a deep, deep heart felt thank you.

    I'm really looking forward to this journey.

  19. Sooooo sooo proud of you, and I totally know everything you say by heart.

    I keep going back to Geneen Roth's work "when food is love". It's hard to learn new, healthier patterns for caring for ourselves when we've learned that food easily meets that need and is so readily accessible. Whenever I've been successful, it's because I've focused on caring for myself in healthy ways (crafting, mild exercise, cooking hearty but healthy meals, etc.) That way I don't feel 'punished' because I can't have this or that food.

    I'm gearing up using T-Tapp (I told you a bit about it when I was there on Monday) and Eat to Live.
    3 S'ss. Smoothies, salads, soups.
    I have a separate blog that I wrote on last year when I was ready to lose some pounds. Let me know if you can't get there, it's set to 'private' or 'invite only' I think.

    Please know that you are a stunningly beautiful woman inside AND outside, and I will cheer for you not because I think you will be 'prettier' or somehow 'better' when you're thinner....but because you're embracing the journey, the difficult patches as well as the easy-breezy parts. The goal is to keep loving yourself regardless of the ups and downs, and waking up each morning knowing you're loving your beautiful self the best way you know how...sometimes that might mean a bag of chocolate chip cookies or some Reindeer Nipples.

    Would love to share healthy recipes!

    Peace to you dear one. So glad you're in my life. :)

  20. I hear ya. I'm such a sugar addict. My uncle was an extreme alcoholic with a 2pack a day cigarette habit. He found that losing weight was harder than going sober or giving up the ciggies.

    Because you can go cold turkey on both those addictions, you can't go cold turkey on food.

    Good luck.

  21. Dear Jayme~

    I admire you so much. You are the greatest. I am so proud of you to share your weight problem with us and announce your plans to lower your weight and be healthier! I know you can do it. I believe you can learn to keep the extra weight off.

    I just want to let you know that I ALWAYS get excited when I see that you have posted a new post on your blog. Most of the time I re-read your blog since it is so interesting or entertaining. I do not have lots of time to read a huge number of blogs. "Tales from the Coop Keeper" is on the top of my list of favorites!

    I will be supporting you during your hard work of dieting. There will be ups and downs but just keep tracking on with a "one day at a time" motto.

    So lovely lady...keep positive, keep smiling and deep breathing. Grab all the loving support and encouragement from family and friends and "just do it."

    Hugs from your friend~Dogwood/Cory

  22. I got down to my goal with Weight Watchers a few years ago, and vowed I would not gain it back, but I did. aarrggg...
    I keep saying I need to lose again, for health reason mostly. Hang in there, and I pray I will do the same.

  23. Ok! That's it!-throwing cookie to the floor-
    You're on!
    Watch for my post.
    We're in this lovely boat together!

  24. Jayme, you are so brave and gutsy to post about your struggle on your blog. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you strength on your journey. You're an inspiration to a lot of people!!!

  25. You are so brave! I applaud your honesty and am sending thoughts and prayers your way. You have a beautiful and generous spirit to allow yourself to be so vulnerable.

    I have faith in you that you will be the best version of yourself.

    Hugs! (they have no calories! lol...)

  26. Jayme - I missed your blog yesterday, so I'm catching up today. I so admire your bravery. I don't think I could be as honest as you. After reading all the comments it looks like you'll be blessed with a lot of support. I'm right there with you in the struggle. Thanks for the inspiration and for wanting to share your journey with us. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Take care.

  27. Just checking in with you this morning and hoping you got something out of all the posts. We love, love, love you! You have our undying support and here we go...TOGETHER out into the McDonald's/Krispy Kreme World!

  28. Hi Jayme -
    Best wishes, and good for you for starting before Christmas! I admire your honesty - very real and sweet. I am definately in the "start in the new year" frame of mind....but you are so wise to start now....It seems you will have a very supportive group of friends with you along the way.

  29. No better time to start anything then now. So... on your mark...get set...GO. You can do it. There are lots of yummy foods that are good for you.

    It is very difficult to say no to something that sustains us.

    Am praying for you to get where you want to be.

  30. Jayme - I have often said "If only I knew HOW to turn that switch, I would be worth a GAZILLION dollars!"

    That would be the switch that actually tells us to STOP!

    my pants are ready to pop

  31. Jayme, I tried to comment earlier but my internets did not cooperate :) Just know you have my full support. I feel your pain also. Sugar is not my friend either. I know you can do this. I will be here for support, and maybe I can be inspired to be a healthier person again as well. For good! Hugs, Tammy

  32. Jayme...we're soul sisiter! Honest to Pete {whoever PETE is!}, we'll have to meet someday! I too share you weight loss struggle. I lost 38 lbs. on WW about 3 years ago and have slowly gained almost every lb. of it back! I love to cook...and I love to eat. Dangerous combination when you have no self control. That is a hard thing to admit self control. Hopefully, we can do this together. I will be checking out your program...b/c balanced IS the way to do it. WW is good...I just hate spending money for it when I'm not committed. I have been cutting back these past few weeks. Next week, my goal is to walk 30 min. 3 times a week. Just THREE times! That isn't my long term goal, but if I say 5 days a week, I won't do one! Ugh! Keep posting...I'm following! {xxoo}


Thanks so much for leaving a comment!