Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Job - Part 2

Look how big Baby Turkey is getting!

Here's a few more details about the job decision - for the inquiring minds.

First I want to preface this by saying - I wasn't looking for a job.
I'm never looking for anything - things come across my path - and they sound like fun.

My problem is that I want to do everything.
If it's fun - I want in.

Work at Starbucks? 
Macy's make up counter?
The garden center, the bookstore, the library?

When the health club job popped up - I thought ...ohhh, I can wear cute workout outfits and make smoothies for people and then I can use that money to pay for a personal trainer.

SO - I'm supposed to be there at 8:30am on Thursday morning (a week ago today) - so that I'd talk to him before the hardcore workout class.  I thought I'd look better.

Now...classic Jayme behavior - I do not look at the address of where I'm going, because I'm under the assumption - which I have no idea where I got that assumption - that this gym was near Home Depot, in the old Gold's Gym building.

I leave 45 minutes before the interview - it's a 20 minute drive.
I stop at a yard sale on the way - I've got plenty of time.

I get to the old Gold's Gym building, and it's completely abandoned.

Now - remember, I got rid of my cell phone?

So I see this guy loading a van and I ask for help.
He looks on HIS smart phone and gives me an address...I had no idea it was that far out!  I am going to have to hustle.

I hustle.
That's not it.
That's a gym called American Fitness - not BodyMaxx.
I stop at the farm stand next door and they tell me - oh that was BodyMaxx until recently.

I ask for a phone book.
Remember those?
It's not in there.

I'm now 10 minutes late for the interview, I have no phone, and I have no flipping clue where the gym is.
I get in my car...
it won't start.

I smile and say 'ok God, this is your answer'.

I start driving home - thinking I will call and apologize profusely to this man for wasting his time.
I decide to try ONE more time to find the place, and I pulled into the Dish Network office and found a super nice guy that looked it up on the internet, printed me out a map, and handed me a phone to call the guy.
He got a hug.

He still wanted to interview me, and laughed at my predicament.
I showed up 45 minutes late for the interview.
Great first impression...

"Um, I like totally don't know where your gym is at, and like, I don't have a cell phone".

We had a great conversation.
I told him - I don't want to work Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays, or nights.
I need unlimited vacation time off.

He said...ok.

I felt excited and thought I would take the job, all weekend, that was my plan.
Then I found myself starting to feel anxious.
Sunday and Monday, Aaron is here.
Tues - Thurs I would be at the gym.
Fridays I clean for my neighbor.
That leaves Saturday.

It made me itchy inside.

I am very fortunate that I don't have to work, although, if you saw my bank account, you might disagree.

I am just happy with enough.
Enough to pay the bills, enough to buy food.
I'm not willing to trade my time for a sense false of security.
Trust me, the little I would make from a job certainly wouldn't offer any security.
It might offer steak instead of ground round.

Interestingly enough - I found myself being a lot freer with spending at the thought of working again.


But for whatever reason, I had the hardest time making a decision.   I kept fearing that I'd make the wrong one.  I had no peace with either decision at first.

I'll take the job.  Hmm....I don't doesn't feel right. Am I just scared? Have I become too comfortable at home?

I won't take the job....ooohhh, what if I'm missing a blessing?  I need to give back, blah blah.

Then I just starting thinking this:
I would be exchanging a good 18 hours of my time a week to work with a personal trainer for 3.

Not a good trade.
I finally felt peace.

I thanked him for my time, and declined the job.
Once a decision was made, and in stone...I really felt good.
I felt relieved.

I think it was the right decision for me.

Stay month I may join the military, start a new business or decide to take a solo sailing trip around the world...

Never a dang dull moment.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Job

I wish I had the time to give you every detail, and I do hope to soon - about being 45 minutes late to the interview.

I was still offered the job.
I'm that fabulous.
: -)

I turned down the job.
Again - details to come.

It's just that it's 5am, and there's a cool breeze and a full moon outside and the moonlight is casting magical shadows on the pumpkin leaves, and I don't want to miss it.

I am Effexor free.
Nearly two weeks.
I can't get over how fabulous I feel.
I feel like I'm alive again.

It's supposed to be in the 90's the next few days.
I'll make sure I get back up in here when it's too hot to be outside and fill in all the blanks for you.


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Thank You

I thought posting yesterday would give me some clarity.
Well, it didn't.
I loved all of your advice and opinions though.

Been mulling it over, and it's approximately 2 hours before the face to face meeting.

This I know for sure.
The job will have to be as flexible as Nadia Comaneci for me to take it.

It's not about the money AT ALL.
It's not about 'having something to do' AT ALL.
Lord knows I could use more of the first, and have plenty of the second.

It's this.
I have struggled with my weight my entire life.
Down inside, I know there is a fit person, and that is who I really am.
For me - working at the gym would be a catalyst to realize that dream.
Yes, I've lost over 100 lbs.
Yes, I look great.
BUT - 
Now, I'm not being unrealistic, nor do I have a body image disorder - it's not about how I look at all - really, it isn't.

It's about being true to myself.
It's about honoring that dream of being fit.
It's about saying 'Jayme, you did it.  You said you'd do it, and you did'.
It's about keeping my word to myself.
I feel like I've been lounging in the pool of ambivalence, and it's not a comfortable place for me to be, although the drinks are divine.

There are some dreams that we need help fulfilling.
I need help with this one.
I feel that I need a personal trainer - someone to push me harder than I'm willing to push myself.

In my mind's eye - I imagine starting work at 5:30 - working my shift - then working out with a trainer, showering, sauna, and come home.

It sounds like a win win.

SO - within a few hours I should know if I'm taking it.
The flexible hours will be the deal breaker.
I shan't give up my Mondays with Aaron.
I shan't be willing to work all weekend.
I need to be able to take unlimited vacation time without pay if I want it.
So you see...this would have to be a really special situation.

Thanks so much for all of your input, opinions, encouragement and thought provoking comments!

I would love it if you would take a few minutes to watch this inspiring video!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

A Decision

Are you good at making them?
I'm sure the heck not.

I think any 'good' decision I've ever made was pure luck.
I vacillate.
I think out loud and it makes me sound bi-polar.
I ask anybody, and their brother - 'what should I do?'
Then I'm further confused by everyone's opinions.

Case in point.
I have a job interview tomorrow.
I know.

But first - let me say this - I had a job interview lined up at Macy's in the cosmetic department, and then I cancelled it.

When I applied for the job - I was thinking:
This winter - I might need to get out.
I want to wear a white jacket and have a flawless face and play with lipstick.
I want deep discounts on skincare.
I like people.

I wasn't thinking:
I have to be there when they tell me to.
I have to try to push credit cards.
I have to be there when they tell me to.
I have to be there when they tell me to.

Get my drift?

This job - well, it kind of fell in my lap.
Part time at a gym.

This is what I'm thinking:
Oh!  I could wear cute workout outfits!
Oh!  I could have access to personal trainers!
Oh!  They have a SAUNA!
Oh!  I would be so focused and motivated!
Oh!  I could inspire someone to change their life!
Oh!  Maybe I could work at the smoothie bar!
Oh!  Oh!

This is what I'm not thinking:

They open at 5:30am.
Indiana winters are C O L D.
I have to be there when they tell me.
I'll save the typing - just say that six times.

Not about the money - I don't really WANT a job - but this one? 
It sounds fun.
But what if it's not fun in two weeks?

SO -
What should I do?
Hilary was right - it takes a village to raise a child...or an idiot apparently.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Counting Chickens, The Vietnamese Woman and Stubbs

I hope I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch here...
Guess what gals?
I feel good today.
I mean - like, really good.
This morning was iffy - I felt a bit dizzy.
I still have a bitty headache.
Once I had breakfast and got moving, I felt good.

And guess what else?
I didn't take the Prozac.
Mmmmhmmm....I decided..'what if I don't need it?  What if the withdrawal side effects are over, why 
bother keeping taking the Prozac?'
So I threw caution right into the wind, and didn't take it today.
Seven days without Effexor now - and today the first fully chemically free day.
I feel hopeful.
The staple gun to the brain feeling has stopped.

I made myself an appointment at the Naturopath doctor that I found.
She comes highly recommended, and I'm looking forward to meeting her.
It's August 22nd.
A two hour consultation.

I truly know that sometimes prescription drugs are, or maybe seem the only way to go.
But this is what I think - and take it with a grain of salt - because it's just what I think - and thank God for antibiotics..but weren't they derived from a moldy piece of bread?
My thought?
Everything that we need to heal is in us or around us in nature.
I think that most of our sickness is from what we think, eat, and how we treat our bodies so carelessly.

I'll say no more.


Here is the story of the Vietnamese woman and Stubbs.
Y'all know I've been buying fingernails.
I'm rather in love with them.
My hands look so lovely, and these suckers hold up well to the abuse I put them through.

Well...the neatest older Vietnamese woman did my nails last time, and we chatted up a storm.
I did my best to understand her, but I do declare I'm sure I missed over half of what she said.
Anyhow - we talked about bees, chickens, Vietnam, gardening, retirement, men- etc.

She stopped by to get honey.
She loved the yard and wanted to see everything.
She was here a good hour.
I loved listening to her talk - and give me garden tips.
I wanted to do a little video - imitating her - not in a make fun of way - but just to give you an idea of how precious it was, but Aaron didn't think it was a good idea.  He thought it could be misinterpreted.

Anyhow - she is walking around, loving everything and saying 'You hard worker! You do this by yourself?  You hard worker!'

Then - we get to the chicken coop, and Stubbs was seeming a bit under the weather.  She'd seemed that way the day before too and I was just keeping an eye on her.  I didn't think that she would be contagious or anything, so I left her with the flock - but decided that morning that I would take her and bring her in - a little special loving.

Stubbs - proudly wearing her 'Most Beautiful Chicken' ribbon.

My Vietnamese friend, whom I'm ashamed to say - I don't know her name (and she stopped her again today!) - says 'you get her out!  you get her out now!'  So, I go get her - and we examine her - and she tells me that she thinks an egg has broken inside of her.
"You feed her garlic - you make her hot inside".
I have no idea why - but I have been saying that - at least ten times a day.
It will go down in the files with "mmmmhmmm, and I don't even feel good'.

So, I did what any chicken lovin' human would do - I made her up a big ole pot of oatmeal...filled with garlic.
I flat out burnt up the first batch because my neighbor stopped by and we were jabber jawing in the yard - we both smelled something burning at the same time.
Made another pot.

The blessed little Stubbs hungrily ate her allium porridge amongst the daylilies and moss roses.
I came in, but just for a moment (ok a half an hour) to get her a bowl of water - and when I returned to the garden patch where she was hunkered - alas, she was gone.
I'm trying to make this sound dramatic.

I never saw her again.
I've looked and looked - and couldn't find her.
It was a mystery - I mean - I knew she had to have passed, but not to find her?

Today - Glenco smelled something off in the garage..and well...there her carcass was - tucked far under the workbench.  I haven't the heart to look.  My last memory of her was her beak in a bowl of garlic oatmeal.

Now, the question is - did my new Vietnamese friend suggest the garlic for healing, or seasoning??

I will miss you Stubbs. 
I will miss bringing you grubs, worms and dandelions.
I will miss you following me around the yard and pecking at my pants, sitting on my spade waiting for treats.
I will miss your ridiculous cackling, announcing you laid an egg.
I will not miss you pecking the new chickens, or eating your own eggs.
But now that you are gone, I can't even be mad at you for that.
Til soon sweet Stubs - may you have the best spot on the pole at the big roost in the sky.

Monday, August 12, 2013


A heartfelt thank you for your prayers and comments!

Lookie here:

So incredibly thankful and grateful that he is off of the life support.

Aaron is fine - walking around with a brace on - he's got a really big hard knot on his ankle.  The BoyChild really done did a good job on sprainin' it.

I'm ok.
Not 100% - but ok. 
I drove to the grocery store with no incident yesterday.
Actually - yesterday was a really good day - and today has been - up until now - now I'm a bit 
queasy, dizzy and just not myself again.
I'm doing the Prozac bridge.
It's really, really helping.

You know what?
I feel really vulnerable putting all of this out here - but, if it helps anyone - it's worth it.

I'm learning a lot during this, trial - shall we call it.
I'm learning more and more that I've always done, or tried to do, way, way too much.
I've learned that I kinda like being alone.
I've learned that I need to have someone in my corner, when I'm not feeling well, or thinking straight - that can do it for me.  That can help me make some choices.

When I was so anxious last year - and desperate for relief - I wish that I had the sense of mind to try some natural things before I took the Effexor.
Or at least I wish I had looked it up and read about it.
Nope.  I just took it.
Oh - it worked like a charm - but everything else it did to me - I don't think it was a good trade.
High blood pressure?
Sexual side effects?
And you know - I just felt like I've barely been able to write a good blog post since I started taking it - I felt as if I lost my personality a bit.

Anyhoo...just wanted to update y'all.
Onward and upward.

thank you again.

til soon.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Saturday Misc.

Goodness gracious sakes alive.

I can't wait until I feel well enough to tell you all that's been transpiring around here.
I met the grandson of the man that built this house.
I have his photo - he stopped by here on Monday, and there's such a story to tell.
He's 86, named Clarence.

Aaron twisted his ankle on a curb in Chicago, and is in an air cast and on crutches, but still went to school today - he's such a rock star.  I hope he gets good sympathy tips today. 
He told me 'I have to go!  I have appointments!'.
Love. him. to. death.

I need to tell you the story of the mysterious demise of Stubbs and the Vietnamese woman.

But first, and foremost - I'm going to ask you to pray for my friend's son.
I met Mirjana through this blog - she's a local reader.
She's battling for her life as well - the blasted C word.

Her son is presently in the ICU, fighting for his life.
Please pray.  Pray hard.
For both of them.
His name is David.

Photo: Please, please pray for my friend's son David....he's in the hospital on life support.  Pray too for his mother Mirjana.  Please pray hard.  xo

And while you have His attention - say a prayer for me as well.

Yesterday, I went to the beach with was super glorious - but on the way to my friend's house - I had two near, and I mean near miss accidents.  Then, on the way home - again, another near miss, AND I felt very confused on how to get home. My head is useless.  I'm so dizzy and disoriented.

I've been bedridden since, diarrhea, and I'm absolutely unable to move my head the slightest bit without my whole world spinning. I'm crying a lot on and off.  I'm presently parked on the front porch with my legs up - Glen's waiting on me hand and hoof, and I'm just reading up all of my library books, enjoying the breeze.  If this clanging in my head would just stop - it's as if someone is holding a staple gun up to my noggin and shooting blanks on it every few seconds.  My ears are ringing so loudly that it's maddening!

I'm on day three of absolutely no Effexor in my body.
If by Monday, I'm not better - I'm going to go to the Dr. and get the Prozac to do the 'Prozac Bridge' that I've been reading about on forums.

This too shall pass.

Monday, August 5, 2013

The Garden of My Life

As I sit here now typing - I'm on my front porch.
Taking the last tepid sips of my Twinings English Breakfast tea - listening to the birds, enjoying a cool breeze, and waiting for Aaron to rouse from the camper.

I have to take him back to Chicago today by 11.
He's assisting with a photo shoot at the school.
Happy for him, sad for me.
We'd planned on going to the Chicago Botanic Garden today.

I'm all thinky inside.
My period is now five days late - so either I'm preggers or menopausal.
I'm sharing old pics today, just cause I haven't the time to pad about and take photos at the moment.

I'm so thankful and grateful that my pap smear came back normal, and I find my heart breaking for those that don't get the good news when the phone rings at times.
I'm utterly filled to overflowing with gratitude for my life right now.

I'm grateful that I'm finally starting to live in a place where I'm kind to myself, 
as kind to myself as I am to others.
I see the beauty in myself, as I do others.
I'm my best friend.
It's so very clear to me now, on this early August morning.

So many life lessons can be found in the garden.

This is what I realized this morning.
When I look out the back door - and look over the garden - it's glorious.  It's full, it's colorful - it's really beautiful.
There are flowers to cut, smell, or just enjoy -
There are fruits and veggies that feed me, the bugs and birds.
There is abundance.

But - if I look too closely - with a critical eye - there are weeds, there are bug bitten leaves, there are areas that need some loving.  There are things planted in places that make me think "What the heck were you thinking?"  There's the attitude or thought that 'it could be better - I could try harder - I could spend more money'.

If I'm not careful - I will concentrate on those areas and miss out on the beauty of the rest.
As short as summer is here in NW Indiana?
A pox upon me if I do it.

How often do we do that in our own lives?
I still scold myself for the 20 lbs that I should have lost - forgetting I've lost over a hundred.
I still scold myself for dust balls under the bed, instead of thinking I'm pretty great for making the bed everyday.
I still scold myself for choices and behaviors from the past - when there is absolutely nothing to be done about them, only to learn from them.

It's just human nature I think - but we can change if we apply ourselves.
And sisters, don't you know - it's our human nature to even make that work.

We'll make a list of all the things we want to change about ourselves, and try to figure out how we can struggle to do so.

The number one, biggest thing that has changed me from the inside out?

Til soon,

Friday, August 2, 2013

The Pap Came Back...

See Slinx in the window?
Just another pop in.
The pap came back.

Thank you God!
Thank you guys for all of your notes and prayers.
I'm too awnry for things to be growing in me that don't belong. 
Word - don't be up having vaginal probings too close to the end of your last cycle.


I'm exactly at a half dose with the Effexor.
The dizziness and pressure in my ears are the worst symptoms at the moment.
Today, I was a bit too dizzy to drive.
That was rather annoying.
I feel like I should be in rehab.  I'm literally counting out the tiny balls in the capsules.  I am taking 40 at the moment, and each week, I dose down by 10.  Four more weeks, I'll be done.
I know I'm not taking a big dose - but sisters, I'm telling you - this stuff is rough to get off of - no matter what you are taking.

But you know what?
I'm really ok.  
I am finally, for what I believe is the first time in my life - ok with the fact that I'm not Jayme The Superwoman at the moment.
I'm ok with not making the bed.
I'm ok with accomplishing basically nothing on some days.
I've been reading - napping - 'being'.
It's been very healing, in many ways.

With that said -  I AM looking forward to getting the DeCluttering going again - and being more active here.
I do have some good days where I get some yard work done.
I'm going for quality over quantity.

Hey - I changed my name on Facebook back to Jayme Goffin - it just seemed silly to be incognito - I mean, seriously?

So...look me up.

Til soon.