Wednesday, October 7, 2015

I'll Tell You What I Want, What I Really Really Want....


Anybody still here?
I am! 

Just wanting to pop in today with an update, let you know I still breathe - and the goings on here.

How often do you think about what you really want?  I mean really, really.
Past - I want Chinese for dinner, past - I want to be out of debt - past - I would really love a new Subaru Forester....

These may be my immediate wants at the moment....

One thing I'm learning this year, as I spend endless hours spinning sugar into puffs of happiness are the things I don't want.   

I think that is a great place to start in order to find out exactly what it is you do want.
  I honestly can't trust myself at times to know what I want - it changes way too frequently based on hormones, seasons, and whether or not I've had a Starbucks flat white.

But what I don't want?
That seems rather consistent.
In the consistency of 'what I don't want' I find my true desires coming forth.

I'm blown clean away by the response to the mallows this year.  I truly could clone myself and keep the clone as busy as I've been.  It's been rather non-stop - and I have 65 days after today before all this stops up in here for a couple of months. 

My cousin Jim from Missouri has been here helping for three months!
We do the big shows on the weekends, and Glen and my sister have been doing the Farmer's Markets.
Tomorrow a radio station in Ft. Wayne IN is calling me to interview me about the business!
I'll try to get a link and attach it here so you can hear it - if that's even possible...

I have much to decide - about where I'll take this, because one thing I don't want - is to work this hard again, like ever.

I started this with one goal in mind - live debt free - and girls, I think we are going to make it by year's end - there might even be a new davenport in the works as well!

I'm blessed.
I'm exhausted.

I signed up with my Coach again because I want back in these pants:

I promise I'm not going to go on and on about it  : -) - just know it's happening.

Aaron is well - just got back from a Disney vacation - he's working in Chicago - living in Chicago - and completely far too grown up in some ways and not enough in others.

And these are without a doubt the things I know.

Home is my first love, it always has been - and always will be.

A well run, well tended home and garden is something to never, ever, take for granted. 

Family and friends are the most important things.

Anything of true value cannot be purchased.

When I thought I had nothing much - I was so incredibly wealthy.

Being nearly debt free doesn't really feel any different.

Things that you thought you wanted, when you couldn't afford them - you find out that you don't really care that much about when you can afford them. 

Your health goes south fast if you don't take good care of yourself.
Cats are good medicine.

Chickens are good therapists.

Blogging soothes my soul.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

A Little Sumpin' Sumpin'

The autumn winds are blowing up in here today - and it's got me half crazy feeling with the thoughts of apple butter, mums and pumpkins.  I know, I know - it's August 20th - but I'm hankering for a Pumpkin Spice Latte like nobody's business.

What is it that creates such a frenzy in my heart for fall?
I'm literally aching to get my hands on yarn...

But...alas...this is the Year of the Mallow.

Take a gander here - 

I reckon the editor of the paper had a s'more at one of the markets, and I got a call...
how fun is this?

I feel really humbled, and oh so grateful today.
I'm doing a couple of markets in Fort Wayne and South Bend, and I heard from a couple of you darlings - so excited that I'm coming that way - and it just warmed my heart SO much - and it made me remember the days that I sat here pecking away at these very keys - sharing my heart and soul with y'all, and oh how I remember those days with such fondness! I just know in my knower those days will be here again, sooner than later.

But for now - I check the weather, make mallows, load up the Heep and do markets.
I'm up to five markets a week now.
I know.
It's utter ridiculousness - but it's just for a few more weeks, and then the markets start dropping off.
My next real day off is Dec. 15th, and I'm okay with that. 
I dog-eared this year for all of this - and I will finish what I started. 
I'm enjoying it all as much as I am not - if that makes any sense at all.
For every achy tired bone - there is a blessing.
My heart is filled with wonder at the people I've met.  
I hope that I can write all the stories out sometime this winter.

At times I question myself, and wonder if I've gone completely batty - by doing this - but then I remember 'the goal'.  The goal of debt free living.  It's been so elusive for us since Glenco's hours were cut a few years back.  Oh - and don't it just be figuring that he's been doing overtime since I started all of this mallow madness?

And so that just proves my theory.
I have absolutely no control over anything but my thoughts, actions, attitudes and reactions.

I saw this and thought it was awesome...

Money won't make you happy quotes

I still have a very unrealistic image in my head of life - of a time in my life when I can say 'I'm done'.
I'm done with the house.
I'm done with the garden.
I'm out of debt.
I'm done working on myself.
I'm done.

I think the light is finally turning on in my brain that the day I'm done is the day I enter eternal rest - and will I?  For those of you that really know me - you laugh at the thought - me, resting....I'll get to heaven with me sleeves rolled up looking for something to do I will!

As it is now - I long, and I do mean long - I LONG to clean the house!  I look at my stove and refrigerator with a lustful feeling inside - imagining the day I have the time to give them a proper deep cleaning.   I long to restore order.  I long to simmer soup and press pillow cases again.

It's hard to believe it's nearing September - and I'm welcoming it with open arms.  
Live life open my friends.
Open arms.
Open hearts.
Open minds.
Forgive yourself - over and over.
Stay present - find something beautiful in the ordinary - 

and realize the absolute truth of this statement:

If you want to be happy.

I miss you all!  I responded to all of your comments from the last post - in the comment section...

Til soon..

(and slave)

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Things I Miss Today

 I'm up way late in the night - and I'm not sure why - I'm most definitely ready to sleep - but I just wanted some me time me thinks.

I've been finding myself quite nostalgic today.
Missing many things.
Life is so different this year - and that's okay - but I'm seeing more and more clearly that I really had the life I wanted - and dadgum it, I want it back!

I miss you guys.  I miss my drivel.
I miss sharing my life with you.
I miss sharing my trials, my triumphs, my conclusions, and just my little corner of the world in general.

I really, really, really miss my garden.
I'm shocked at how left untended for such a short period of time, things quickly go south.
This applies to many areas - our relationships, our health, our homes, and our gardens!

All the following pictures were taken when the garden was tended regularly.

I miss having time to sit in the garden and read - and have my hair arranged so nicely with baby birds in it!  I miss nurturing things.  People, plants, animals....

I miss telling you things like 'oh, I have 19 chickens now - two roo's - one Copper Maran - who rules the roost - a fine proud bird that is kind-ish to the other  rooster - a Black Barred - who is so lovely and gentle...

I've so wanted to tell you about HopSing - the crippled bird that I have - and the lesson that I learned from her - that sometimes helping hurts - and some people and things are just better left alone.

I really, really miss knitting, and yarn, and needles.
I also miss this scarf.
I lost it this Spring!  It was so much friggin' work too.
: -)

I miss having time to be ridiculous...


I miss having time to wash my dishes and meditate whilst I do.


I miss this...

Oh and I miss these pants!
They were some of my favorite pants, but now - well - let's not talk about it!

I miss my bees - they just all up and left a couple of months ago - the yard seems quiet without them.
I'm certain I'll get them again...

 I miss my sister - nearly gone a year now - the reality is impossible to grasp, she doesn't seem gone to me - and really she isn't...til soon Vivvie...

 I miss outside.  I miss taking the time to gaze upon the outdoors.

I freaking miss my ducks.  Maude and Claude.
I know Claude has gone on to the great big pond in the sky - but Maude?  Where she be?  There's a nesting pair of mallards that return every Spring now - and they come oddly close to the house - I believe it could be her.

I miss hours spent meandering greenhouses...

 I miss the smell of my camper - The Squirrel - I miss padding out there barefoot on a gorgeous night like this one - sleeping out under the stars with the frogs singing and the fireflies flitting -

 I miss typing here and figuring out what I think and I believe as the cursor blinks on - 
I miss you guys.

I cannot say it enough - I miss my garden!


Don't hate - but I'm almost hoping that this comes sooner than later...

Snow.  Frost.
At least then the garden and it's demise will be out of my control...


Now it's not all gloom and doom - nay - it's actually all very good.
I've set a goal for this year - and I do believe I'll reach it - and then I am scaling WAY WAY back - no more three and four markets a week - no more every week - nope - just here and there - and whatever makes me happy.  It's just this year that I'm sacrificing so much.  I've met the most incredible people and I'm learning so much.  Learning what is truly important to me - learning what hard work really is. 

You know - I've never really had much in the way of material wealth - but looking back at my old blog posts from years past, I realize I was the richest girl in the world.
What an enormous blessing to realize that.

Til soon...

Monday, July 6, 2015


My life is marshmallows.
I make marshmallows.
I check the weather.
I make marshmallows.
I check the weather.

Three outdoor markets a week - and now heading to Chicago once a month for the Randolph Street Market.

I'm happy - tired - excited - tired - driven -tired - grateful - tired
and missing all of you.

I have a goal in sight, and it looks like I'm going to make it!

Do you know that sometimes I just log on here and read your old comments from a year ago?

I do.

I miss y'all - until I have time to write again you can find me here...

Have a wonderful summer!


Sunday, May 10, 2015

On Mothering

I awoke this morning in an off mood.
Nothing in particular - more tired than anything.

Two Farmer's Markets a week - the struggle is real y'all.
I'm a tired (but very happy!) girl.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm my own boss - and I can arrange my schedule anyway I'd like to - but apparently I'm 'that' boss - and choose to work myself to a nub on a regular basis.

So this morning comes, and it's Mother's Day - I'm fraught with several emotions.
My mother is gone.
I'm not a real mother.

Or - at least that's what my brain wanted to inform my heart of  at 7:02 this morning.

So let's sort out the truth.

My mother indeed did pass away nearly 15 years ago - or 12 years ago - or?
(I think - see, this is the memory loss I told you about.  
I can't remember - I'd have to look it up to know)

But is she gone?
She is not.

Case in point - look at this photo:

She is right here, with me always.
Her smile.
Her hair.
Her love of holding livestock.
She's here.
Her generous spirit still guides me, gives me strength and hope.

And then there's that whole 'see you on the other side' kind of promise we have here that takes the whole sting out of death.

As far as my brain telling me I'm not a mother?

I am too - heck, my business is even named Mother Wilma's!

I've had the most high honor of sharing in the mothering of this young man:

And if THIS isn't mothering....

I don't know what is!

In fact, I mother everything and everyone.
Except Glenco.
Be careful not to mother your husbands ladies.

I really do hope you know you don't have to accept every thought that your brain tries to tell you.
You could live a pretty crappy life if you allow those shenanigans.

Once my heart told my brain what to think - I was in just a fine mood.
Realizing I'm blessed beyond measure, I thought I might just take a moment to think about what kind of 'mother' I really am.  

I have absolutely no expectations on Aaron today for Mother's Day.  I expect no gifts, no attention.  I want him to do what would make him happy today.  I want him to know that I think the world of him - I want him to know that I'm so danged proud of him.  I want him to know that I try not to worry about him, but instead trust that he can take care of himself, and trust his decisions - and know that I've been loving and supportive enough that he knows I'm always here for him if he needs me.

I want to be the kind of mother that is gentle with her words.  Not critical.  Always loving.  I want to plant seeds in his heart of joy, hope, love, wonder, caring, abundance and peace.  I don't ever want him to feel the obligation to call me, visit me, or spend time with me.  I want him to want to do that.  I'm over the moon that he does want that.

So, on a day that honors mothers, my heart seeks to be honorable.
I hope you seek that too.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Today Aaron was here for a bit, pulling some things out of storage - and this picture was one of them.  I still believe this is one of the best photos I've ever taken - it was a little point and shoot camera.  It was the best camera I ever did have.
It was a complete fluke - I just saw those corkscrew curls and captured them.


Three days from the big move.
To Chicago.
His own apartment.
Lease signing.
U-Haul renting.
Couch shopping.
Grown up stuff.

Wasn't this photo taken just last week?

I'll spare you the 'oh how time flies' schtick.

But I will tell you - these were, and remain some of the best days of my life.
The BoyChild.

Pouring my life into his.
He's been the greatest gift to me.

 This morning he got up for work - went and vacuumed his car out - came home and sewed a button on his shirt and ironed it.
I still remember the day that he came in for school and I cut all the buttons off of 
his shirt and taught him how to sew them back on.  
And iron.
And cook.

I'm so glad I've taught him all these things.
He talks about having me over for dinner now, and growing herbs on his patio.
He's 19.
I'm so proud of him, I can barely stand it.

As much as I miss these days, and look back on them with such great fondness, hope holds me prisoner as I believe that even greater days await!
I'm loving the adult relationship that we share now.

He's moving out in three days.
I'm really - really okay with it.

Friday, April 17, 2015

The Answer to Everything

Before I begin today's post, I just wanted to thank you once again for all of your kindness towards me.

I received so many lovely little notes, and I so appreciated each and everyone.

I think my greatest fear was that some of you reading would think 'oh, I know this bipolar person....' and you would think that my behavior was identical to someone else that perhaps suffered more than I did - or behaved in a way that I've never behaved.

But, I can't fix that.

But I can share with you the answer to everything.

And that answer is goats.

I had the immense pleasure of babysitting two prematurely born goats this past weekend.

My neighbor asked me if I could come up and bottle feed them a few times whilst she was out of town - and I thought it much easier if I were to just bring them home.

Was I nervous?  
You betcha! 
 I've never handled livestock with four legs and teeth.

Was Glenco nervous?
You betcha!
He fully realized that this was going to create goat fever, of which there is no cure.

I don't think words can describe the feelings I felt when I was handed a warm, lanky, needy, baby goat.
How it soothed my barren womb, my empty nest.

If I could make a video montage of my feelings - it would include images of pies cooling on windowsills, sheets drying on the line, babies smiling, the hands of a good honest working woman, the smell of roses on the breeze, fried chicken, warm biscuits from the oven, aprons, the taste of a freshly picked heirloom tomato still warm from the sun, the buzz of honey bees, the cackle of  a contented hen...I could go on....


I couldn't let it go.

However, I did let it go just long enough to go clothes shopping for them.
This is a note I tacked to the door.
The goats in house caused quite a stir - there was a revolving door of visitors.

I laughed at myself when I was in the Goodwill (half price day!  Score!) rifling through the baby clothes trying to find 'the perfect sweater' for a goat.  
Imagine my delight when I found the most darling dress for the girl goat.  

Don't think Glenco wasn't in on this too.
He picked out the following ensemble.

I may or may have not bought several outfits, and had a bit of a fashion show.

I'm utterly ruined!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015


Quote on bipolar: I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.

I realize that I ended quite abruptly last night.
It was late - I was tired - and writing that post drained me somewhat.
The reliving it and all.

I just wanted to 'shoe horn in' as Anne Lamott says, the following.

I'm in a very good place now.
VERY good.

I feel healed and whole - but as I said in my previous post - I live aware.  Aware that poor nutrition, lack of self care, taking any type of a pill - could easily cause me to be symptomatic again.

In the darkest days I had - I always knew there was hope.  I truly never felt alone.  
Surely, you all know how ridiculously introspective I am - and I feel that I do know myself quite well - and I just knew within my core that this was an organic problem - and there was a solution.

I knew I could be fixed.  I knew THAT wasn't me.

If the source is not on the picture, see Bipolar Bandit's blog for source of the picture quote.

If you could see the bookmarks on my computer - you'd laugh - there has to be at least a hundred of them - all related to nutrition and bipolar symptoms...

Did you know many people are diagnosed bipolar when it's really your thyroid?

Read here.

Did you know Jane Pauley was hospitalized for three weeks after taking steroids and anti-depressants (which I took for the poison ivy, and again for tendinitis) - she was in a hypomanic state - and depression followed. It's a fascinating article.

Read here.

Did you know that gluten can cause flare ups in bipolar disorder?

Read here.

I could go on but I won't.

But I will tell you this.  When I stay away from gluten and dairy - I'm as right as rain.
Food sensitivities are real.

What I hope you will take away from all of this is:

Don't stop fighting.  Find the answer.  You shouldn't have to live your life depressed, overwhelmed, confused, stressed, etc.  It's not right - it's not how you were designed to live.

You have to be relentless, you have to keep digging, and find those answers.
Don't treat symptoms.
Find the cause my friends.


Initially, it doesn't seem like it's the easy way - but honestly - in the long run - it is.

I've proven over and over again in my life that food is an issue.
Wheat and dairy - I'll say it til I'm blue in the face.

I think Glenco summed it up perfectly when he said 'This is great - you know what the answer is - it's the food!' - and then in the next breath said 'oh crap - it's the food'.

It's one of the hardest things to do - to completely change your lifestyle and eating habits.
Sometimes I have thought 'a pill is easier! Pass the bread!'

But then I remember the hell I lived through for the better part of two years.

Get your gut healthy.
95% of your serotonin is made there.
Heck, everything is made there.
This is paramount.

Be grateful.

Don't overbook yourself.

Take hot baths.

Be around people you love often.

Eat real food.
(and some marshmallows)

Sleep more.

Forgive generously.

Always look for the good in others.

Be kind to yourself.

It's really simple - we just make it hard.

Please know I am here - even though I don't blog very often - I'm here, and I read every stinking comment.  You all have been a tremendous blessing to me.  If you need to, please feel free to reach out.  I will return your email.