A Check Up from the Neck Up

It was an important day.

I could feel it from the moment I got up and finally started getting ready to go.

I chose to wear my $5 resale shop Kenneth Cole trouser jeans.

Such jeans are reserved for important days.

Heels were involved.

I really wanted to clarify something.

Perhaps, some things.

Do I think I'm crazy?

Absolutely not.

Quirky? Yes.

Hyper at times?  You got it.

Crazy?  No.

Mentally ill?  No.

Do I think that there is ANY thing wrong with me?

No ma'am's.

Do I need, or plan on taking medication?

No way.

Do I like me?

Yep Yep.

Do I even need to pursue this path?

Nope.

Well then, you ask - why the sam hill are you?

Cause I want to.

Cause I want to have a 'mental check up', just as I had a physical exam last fall.

If we are so concerned about our blood pressure, cholesterol readings and the like - why don't we place the same - nay, MORE concern in the place of checking our attitudes?  Our thought patterns?  Behaviors that don't serve us well?

I personally think that they are just as important, if not more important to our health.

This might take a while.

Get comfy.

I'm going to throw in some of my favorite pictures to hold your interest.

It was a gloomy, rainy, cool Friday morning and I was dressed up.

I was talking myself out of this appointment for a week, but realizing that cancelling it, for me, was quite a symptom of the ADHD, I forced myself to go.

I'll explain more about that in just a minute.

I drove there - and it just felt important. It felt mature.

I parked and walked to the entrance - and even as my heels were clicking on the pavement - and I saw the words 'Mental Health Center' - I wanted to turn around and walk back to the car.

"I'm not crazy".

What stigmas we put on mental health.

How we defend our sanity!  (Or at least I do!)

I kept reminding myself that this was about living my best life.

My first thought when I walked in:
"I want to work here".

It was beautiful!  It was this lobby that was just filled with an incredible peace - and there was this atrium garden that I could have sat and looked at all day.

Filled with neon colored azaleas, that the gloominess of the day really illuminated.

I really wish I had taken some photos.

I found out that they are hiring gardeners for the summer.

Oh, yes I did.

favorite picture of my garden

I was then brought into a business office where I gave them all the insurance information, and then whisked up to the second floor where the therapist would see me.

As I sat there - again, I thought "I want to work here."

I watched the interaction of the co-workers.

It made me miss working.

It made me miss paperclips, staplers and memos.

I missed wearing heels daily, and chatting with co-workers.

I've always enjoyed office work.

Mainly, I miss a paycheck.

:-)

Selah.

Then I thought - "heck, I should be a therapist!  How cool would that be - digging around in people's brains - and then on my lunch hour, I could tend the gardens."

I sat, and waited, and fidgeted, and thought a hundred times why I didn't really need to be here, and I could just go up to the counter now, and say 'I changed m'mind George'.

But I had my Kenneth Cole jeans on, and my heels, and by God I was staying.

Then I started taking pictures of my feet with my phone, and thought 'eh, maybe I need to be here.'

:-)

A lovely, kind faced woman called me in.

I was informed that I'd be given an 'initial diagnosis' that day - but in order to have an 'official' diagnosis, I'd have to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or be involved in 'talk therapy' for some time.  I had to get an initial diagnosis to move forward, however.

I was asked a million questions.

I couldn't help but feel such gratitude as I was answering them.

I've been quite fortunate in this life.

Never abused, never addicted to anything besides cupcakes.

I remember we laughed alot.

I showed her this list - off their very own website -

Symptoms of Adult ADHD

We went over them, one by one - and I told her how I had each and every one of them, except for the anger outbursts, and I felt that it was holding me back from my best life.

(You'll see on the list 'trouble with following through with promises and commitments - I can say that I am good with my promises, unless I just forget - which I do often, but it's not on purpose - but commitments - well, that's an issue.  I plan way too much, and I'm excited about the plans when I make them, and then I lose interest, or just feel too busy, and 9 times out of 10, I wish I didn't have the plans when it comes time to act on the plans.  Can I get an amen?  I'm notorious for cancelling.)

one of my favorite pics of Aaron : -)

I told her how I live with a sense of frustration all the time, and constantly feel like an underachiever.

Did you spit your coffee out?

I know.

See - this is what I want to address girls.

Why in the sam hill - after getting up at 5am - being busy and productive until bedtime, would I possibly feel like I'd underachieved?

I tell myself - "Jayme girl - you accomplish a lot." 

But then there's that voice that tells me 'coulda done more, shoulda done more.

I don't get it either.

And let me just say I don't feel like I have to 'prove anything' to anyone - and I don't feel driven to achieve in order to increase my self esteem or any such thing.

no caption needed

And then we talked about my OCD tendencies.

I for one think they are good.

Who doesn't like a tidy environment?

Martha Stewart HAS to be OCD, so I'm in good company.

She gave me an initial diagnosis of Adult ADHD and mild OCD.

We talked about anxiety - because he said that anxiety and ADHD are very close in their symptoms.

I told her how I'd read a lot on both topics, because I too thought that it was anxiety - but after reading - I don't think so.  Anxiety is fearful thoughts.  Uncontrollable fearful, foreboding thoughts, I don't have those, at all - in fact, it might behoove me if I did actually worry about the future a tad more than I do!

My plan is to have a few sessions of talk therapy.

I'd like to get some techniques that could help me go to bed at night with the thought of  'good job girl, you honored yourself, you spent your time wisely, and you are quite fabulous', instead of 'why didn't you do this, or that?  Why didn't you push yourself harder when you worked out?  Why, you should have gotten to that perennial bed on the east side of the house - there are no excuses!'

 Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

I think what I want out of this journey is just some accountability.

I want to be aware of the behaviors and tendencies I have toward ADHD that interfere with my best life.  I want to stop overbooking myself, I want to stop expecting so much from myself.  I want to stop dreading plans I've made, I want to stop feeling like an underachiever.  I want to stop working on eight projects at a time, and start finishing things fortheloveofGod.

I have an incredible green bean recipe to share with you - soon!

I see myself talking to the therapist once a month and saying 'ok - this worked - I kept a calendar - I didn't overbook myself - I honored my commitments to myself and others - I watched my thought processes, etc'.  Or - 'ok that technique didn't work so good for me - what else ya got?'

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me!

I plan on sharing every little thing with y'all about this, I think it's important.

I hope that it might motivate you to choose to live your best life.

Please realize one thing today -

Your life is your choice.

You can choose to feel a victim of your thought processes, your cravings, etc.  You can choose to feel tossed by the wind, out of control -

or

you can choose to grab life by the testicles and make it what you want it to be.  You don't have to be overweight, out of shape, sad, overwhelmed, and living in a mess.

I don't know about you - but I'm grabbin' the balls baby.

The Great Mental Probing of 2012

I have absolutely no business blogging right now - so this will be one of the shortest posts you ever did read.

I'm going to share a journey with you - a journey of epic proportions -

we are calling it -

"The Great Mental Probing of 2012"

(you have to say that like a TV announcer)

I have an appointment in 54 minutes with a therapist to discuss Adult ADHD.

I'm not dressed, I haven't eaten,  the chickens aren't tended and my bed isn't made.

Like I said, I shouldn't be here.

But I am.

Cause I have ADHD.

:-D

The 'eh' has lifted, and once again my stomach is a flutter with all of the excitement that life offers.

I think it was a lunar thing.

Wish me luck.

Two hours of probing commences in now - 52 minutes.

I can't wait to share this journey with you.

What ever will they find?

I think if they did a PET scan of my brain - they would see images of zinnias, baby chicks, butterflies and other happy images frolicking about.

Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Had another bee swarm last night, caught the renegades and put them in lock down in another hive.

And then there were four.

Hives that is.

OK, I REALLY gotta go.

Being late is a BIG symptom of ADHD.

And so is butterflies frolicking in your head.

FYI.

10:41am amendment:

You guys are a balm to my soul.

Just got back, and on my way to clean the house I clean on Friday's.

Initial diagnosis - moderate ADHD, mild OCD.

Don't laugh.

No, go ahead.

I did.

: -D

Switched Off

Sorry.

I've been busy.

Nursing ducks.

It's not as painful as it sounds.

:-)

I bought these rascals a couple of weeks ago, and they are getting so big already -

Spinner and Paddlefoot.

They like watching TV with me.

I'm determined to have an unnatural relationship with these ducks.

I want them to think I'm mom, follow me around, wait by the back door for breakfast and the like.

I'm sure in some way, I'm upsetting the balance of nature, and doing something that's actually harmful to the ducks.

I'll think about that tomorrow.

I've lost me bloggin' mojo.

There's been a flurry of activity around here - things that used to seem so blog-worthy (like baby ducks) that just now leave me with an 'eh' feeling.

I got a box full of baby chicks to raise for meat.

Should I blog about that?

"Eh".

My bees swarmed last week, and I caught them.

Blog about it?

"Eh."

I'm 2 lbs away from my goal weight - and my bee suit is five times too big.

Newsworthy?

Eh.

See how apathetic I'm becoming?  I didn't even enclose that 'eh' in quotation marks!

Should we be worried?

Surely, you'd want to know that the McDonald's cheeseburger that was bought on Jan. 6th 2012 is still the same.

It seems that this is how my brain works....and at the moment I'm switched off.

Me thinks I'm tired.

I should be.

I must take my leave now and make dinner.

Almond garlic chicken and Brussels sprouts.

"eh".

Easter

I was a bit too lazy to move the rocks from my Caveman Cooking Club -

so I made a tomb.

:-)

This is it with the stone still in place.

The stone rolled away....

And here is up close - with the empty grave cloth.

Four years ago on Easter - I started blogging.

I can't believe it's been that long.

I feel that I've been through my own Crucifixion, death and resurrection here.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking around, cheering me on and becoming dear friends.

The Happiest of Easter's to you all!

(Still not to late to leave a comment to win the book - winner announced on Monday)

A Poultry Book Giveaway!

Good mmmmmooorrrnnnninnnng!

I had no intentions of blogging today.

I just couldn't hep m'self.

Life is too glorious!

 

I'm in high gear today. I pity the dustball that gets my way, I pity the weeds in the garden, and I do be pitying my elliptical machine - it's gonna get one heck of a workout.

You know why?

It's almost time for me to be unwell.

If you don't remember what that means, it means 'that time of the month'.

Now is the time that I make grand plans that my body couldn't carry out if it were half my age.

Oh yes.

I get like this right before.

I can barely breathe I have so much energy.

It's a blessing - it's a curse.

A sod cutter is being reserved today.

I'm tearing up the lawn and making more garden space.

I really want to take you with me every step of the way - so many of you have asked about my gardens.

So I was cleaning my desk off but good, and I came across this book -

The publisher had sent it to me some time ago to review.

A pox upon me for not doing it sooner.

It's a great book for the dead on beginner.

Don't know if you want chickens or ostriches?

Want a better method of raising your birds than

'well they died, so I must've done something wrong.'?

SO - if'n that's you - just leave me a comment to enter.

No hoops to jump through folks - I know you are busy - and I am too.  I haven't the time nor the inclination to double check to see if you tweeted about this nonsense!

I must take my leave of you now!

Aaron is learning all about Economics today, and I have many shenanigans and much tom foolery planned for the day.

Til soon.

Being Mindful

As children we are taught to mind our manners.

As adults, we strive to mind our own business.

As menopausal women, we try not to lose our minds.

Amen.

A word that keeps popping up in my head lately is

'mindfulness'

Yes.

My mind is full, that is for sure - but what I'm talking about is finding meaning in all the little mundane tasks that fill our days.

Finding contentment in our possessions, and not needing more.

Honoring what we have, appreciating the provision.

Breathing.

Thinking.

Recognizing.

Pausing.

It's true that our life is made up of moments such as these.

I'm hellbent on not missing them -

Right now, it's raining out, and it's all gloomy and thundery.

I adore it.

The grass looks so green it almost hurts my eyes to behold it.

My tea is the perfect drinking temperature.

I awoke to the scale showing under 5lbs to my goal weight.

Aaron is still snoozing upstairs, and I'm letting him.

The banty hens are right outside my window, scratching around by the clothesline.

It's Friday.

The weekend is here, full of promise.

It's a beautiful moment.

 You hear the phrase 'practice mindfulness' - and it's true - it takes practice.

At first, I almost let this moment slip.

I almost told myself I'm much too busy to sit down and write out my thoughts.

I have one hour, and I shouldn't 'waste' it like this.

Poppycock.

Writing these thoughts out, just reinforces it all in my spirit.

I wrote this on our Bootcamp forum earlier this week:

This morning as I was making the bed - I questioned how I could find 'meaning' in something like making a bed. I questioned why I make the bed. Well, it's tidy. Yes, that is one reason. Think deeper. I realized what a comfort it was to me to climb in a made bed at night. A clean, made bed. It's a simple pleasure. It brings me a sense of order and well-being. So in fact, the act of making that bed in the morning, is preparing my future. I choose to prepare my future (that very night) for a sense of well being.

Now, let's transfer that thought process to other things. Can you say that spending money foolishly is preparing you for the future? Yes. A future of lack. Can you say that eating the DingDongs is preparing you for the future? Yes. A future of diabetes. But let's not put a negative spin on this....

Today's workout is preparing you for a future of energy, strength and vitality. Today's clean meals are preparing you for a future of clear thinking, health and self confidence.

I think this is why I adore homemaking so much.

I do find peace in my chores.

I do find meaning in laundry, gratitude in dishes and nuturing in dusting.

I don't see them as 'chores', although I do use that word.

I see them as opportunities to give thanks for what I have, to love my family with a sense of order, stability and wholesome food.

It's my deepest desire that this little corner of the Interweb here can give you a moment to pause - count your blessings - encourage you to love your family - love yourself - take care of yourself - see the beauty that surrounds you - and get chickens.

Lots and lots of chickens.

Why I Ran Today

Because I could.

I could end this post right here, couldn't I?

But y'all know me WAY better than that.

(The pictures throughout this post are ones Aaron just took - I need your help deciding what should be my profile picture, ok?  Is he not a fabulous photographer!?)

Thanks for all of your fun comments on Helene!

Basically - that is a snippet of how goofy Aaron and I are on a daily basis - we just happened to film it.

When he gets here today, I'm going to ask him to make a blooper video of it - and maybe I'll mention to you how he ran off the road and if it weren't for Glenco's eagle eye in the backseat, someone on North Holtz Road wouldn't have a mailbox right now.

Good times.

I'm still way too happy.

Perhaps it's the temperatures here in NW Indiana.

Record highs.

I do believe the magnolia will burst forth in all of its splendor today.

One can only hope that some rogue wind from the North won't strip it of its blossoms tomorrow.

It's March people.

I don't trust March.

I never have - and it if thinks I'm going to start now - just by wooing me with these temps that make you want to strip naked and run through the corn stubble - well, its got another thing coming!

 

Perhaps my hormones are swinging wildly - perhaps I've just been too busy counting my blessings - perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps I'm so happy just cause I'm eating so well.  My hair is growing so fast you can almost watch it grow - perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps it's emails like these that I get so often -

I was wondering if I could pick your brain for a minute. I'm trying to take a few pounds off and am really struggling.

OR

When I feel this good...make that GREAT...I can't imagine ever going back to eating all of the other stuff I used to put in my stomach. That would be TORTURE to me now. I get what you've been saying over the last year...I REALLY get it! :) (this is from one of my dearest readers who's lost 20#'s now and still going!)

OR

a sweet reader emailing me telling me I've inspired her to walk the Chicago Half Marathon.

I am blessed.

Each of you here means the world to me.

I wish that there were a way to sit with each of you and become BFF's.

Isn't that a cute sweater?

Got it in a bag sale at the resale shop, so I basically paid .50 for it.

Still had the tags on it from New York & Co.

$39.99.

Yesterday, I washed it.

Oops.

70% wool.

My bad.

This weight loss journey is coming to a close - the weight LOSS part.

Not too far to go now.

My goal now is to be FIT.

Not just thin, but fit.

I ran today because I could.

I don't mean that to be 'inspirational' or anything - I just mean it.

I have friends that I know would love to be able to run.

Heck - they'd be happy to just go through one day with some energy.

I think of my mom - not much older than I am now when she was diagnosed with emphysema.

I run cause I can.

I run sometimes because I feel too good to walk.

Isn't that ridiculous!?

I sure don't do it well, and I don't run far - but I run the best I can.

I'll keep getting better too.

 I feel fantastic.

This journey of growing on the inside and shrinking on the outside has been so worth it.

When I think back of how 'deprived' I felt in the beginning because I

 'couldn't have my favorite foods' - I almost laugh -

because you know what?

To have them now would deprive me of THIS.

Peace.

Happiness.

Vibrant health.

A clear mind.

A 29" waist (ya baby!)

and too many benefits to list.

THAT'S deprivation - not turning down a brownie.

Selah.

I really miss this sweater!

Somewhere in the last year - in the midst of all the hammering away at changing my life - it changed.

Funny how that happens.

Have I been perfect?

Absolutely not!

Lord!

I'm not perfect, but I am fabulous.

That's my new tagline, by the way.

Feel free to use it.

These days, I'm feeling confident.

I'm feeling that what I have to say has merit.

I'm feeling very little self consciousness.

I'm feeling like I have so much I have to give it away or I'll burst.

I is kind.

I is smart.

I is important.

And so is you.

Please take care of yourself today.

Life is short.

There are so many people counting on you.

 

Helene Stopped By....

No words.

Aaron made me do it.

:-)

If you have trouble viewing it here...just click on the YouTube link on the lower right hand side of the video.

Morning has Broken

I'm sitting here absolutely bristling.

It's becoming more and more difficult to contain my enthusiasm of late.

Spring y'all.

The Earth is waking up - and I'm digging it.

I feel like a kid in a candy store!

The possibilities!

The plans!

The sheer joy of new birth and new hope.

It seems the older I get, the more I notice the subtle nuances of the season's change.

The slant of light through the blinds -

the smell of certain days -

Even though this morning is dreary - drizzly - in my heart it's the most glorious morning ever.

Enjoy one of my favorite songs and do a little deep breathing.

Count your blessings.

Mine is the sunlight -

Mine is the morning......

sigh.

All the News Worth Printing

This photo has nothing to do with this post.
It's just a bathing suit I'm considering ordering.
The last time I ordered anything in a two piece - it was an extra crispy meal at KFC.

For those of you that don't have a blog - you might not know how difficult it is to blog after a week of not blogging.

You lose your mojo, your rhythm.

It's a struggle.

I've had times this week that I thought I might never blog again.

Pfft.

As if.

Not sure where to begin - so I'll just start -

Still working on my goals....Bootcamp is going well, and it keeping me busy as well as homeschooling.

We are fine.

THANK you for all your emails and concern.

The tornadoes that have ravaged Indiana were far south of us.

Heartbreaking.

Despite having a little snow on the ground at the moment - I spotted a Robin on March 2nd, and it's set me in a tailspin of excitement.

It's really happening.

It's 6am and it's light enough to see outside.

My strawberries and daisies are making a foolish attempt at growing.

The chickens are cranking out eggs.

I've got deep hankerings of the Spring cleaning kind.

Spring.

It's coming!!

During a hot bath last night I perused a poultry catalog.

The FINAL decision has been made.

There will be meat birds raised.

There will be much drivel ahead about this subject.

Thoughts on the moral battle I'm having.

How I can blow dry and cuddle with one chicken, and kill and eat another.

I can't talk about it right now - or I shan't order my 'rainbow broiler pack'.

Oh dear God.

Help me.

My trip with Aaron to Chicago went off without a hitch - well, except for the Navigation on my phone took us to a VERY sketchy area in Chicago initially.

Home girl was a little scared.

Find the school we did, and it was beyond fantastic.

I want to go there now!

I told Aaron I'd need a career when I finally raised his rear end - and why not hair?

I told him I'd go to school with him, and then we'd open a salon.

Could you imagine?  The poor kid, never rid of me.

I thought I'd fill you in on our 'plan'.

Aaron was really struggling in high school.

There was talk by his guidance counselor of sending him to some 'alternative' school - which, I don't even know about that - but between his struggles, and his impending move to another county - where he'd have to switch schools yet again - the decision to homeschool again was made.

Why did Aaron struggle so?

I don't know.

When I ask him - he tells me

"I'm too social"

"It's boring"

"I don't care about it"

I was so torn initially because, hey - guess what?

Sometimes jobs are boring and you don't care about them, but ya gotta do them.

I thought perhaps he NEEDED to just suck it up and do it.

And then I thought about the years....alllllllll the years he'd struggled in school - like since Kindergarten.

I don't think a child CHOOSES in Kindergarten and 1st grade to struggle.

Medication was given in fourth grade - he did better in school, but was personality less, so he was taken off the medicine.

Better to have a personality and sub par grades if ya ask me.

Struggled again in 5th grade - was told he'd be placed in a 'transitional' Junior High situation where he wouldn't switch classes with all of his friends, but he'd have lunch with them.

Screw that.

Homeschooled.

He flourished.

He wanted to see what 'real highschool' was like, and you all, if you've been reading my blog for anytime, know that it was pretty hard on me.

I have to say - after the initial shock - I really settled in to quite a nice little routine around here and loved my time alone here at the house.

All good things must come to an end.

:-)

He loved the social aspect of high school - but his grades, well - I quit looking at his grades last year.

Bless his heart.

He went on Vyvanse last fall and there was some initial improvement.

He didn't sleep, barely ate, and was 'temperamental'.

To me?  Not worth it.

The child lives here Monday - Thursday now, and we homeschool from 9am to 3:30pm.

It's taking me time to adjust.

I have to say, I'm loving him here.

Our plan is to get Aaron his GED as soon as possible.

That was hard for me to type.

You know why?

I know there are MANY of you out there that will frown upon that decision - and even though I know in the deepest recesses of my heart that it's the best thing for him - and everyone that truly knows Aaron agrees -

I'm still sensitive about it.

GED has a negative connotation.

Aaron is 16.2 years old.

He can enroll in the Paul Mitchell school when he's 17.

That's the plan.

Get the GED, get into college, and get on with life.

Given his history of struggling with school - I also worried about him possibly struggling in college.  I mean - what was going to be different about that?

My fears were put to rest - when after looking at the Rules of the Road book for about 45 minutes - he walked into the license branch and passed his Learner Permit test.

He's driving.

Me.

Around.

He also has some cosmetology books that he's been given by people in the industry, and he devours them, and retains every. thing.

You think "I" drivel?

How would you like to listen to endless drivel about hair texture, color and style?

Be told that you need a deep conditioning treatment?

Be told that you need more highlights to really pop out your eyes?

All.

Day.

?

I love it.

I love his passion and his drive for it.

I look forward to a future of a well coiffed do whilst I cry over butchered birds.