It was an important day.
I could feel it from the moment I got up and finally started getting ready to go.
I chose to wear my $5 resale shop Kenneth Cole trouser jeans.
Such jeans are reserved for important days.
Heels were involved.
I really wanted to clarify something.
Perhaps, some things.
Do I think I'm crazy?
Hyper at times? You got it.
Mentally ill? No.
Do I think that there is ANY thing wrong with me?
Do I need, or plan on taking medication?
Do I like me?
Do I even need to pursue this path?
Well then, you ask - why the sam hill are you?
Cause I want to.
Cause I want to have a 'mental check up', just as I had a physical exam last fall.
If we are so concerned about our blood pressure, cholesterol readings and the like - why don't we place the same - nay, MORE concern in the place of checking our attitudes? Our thought patterns? Behaviors that don't serve us well?
I personally think that they are just as important, if not more important to our health.
This might take a while.
I'm going to throw in some of my favorite pictures to hold your interest.
It was a gloomy, rainy, cool Friday morning and I was dressed up.
I was talking myself out of this appointment for a week, but realizing that cancelling it, for me, was quite a symptom of the ADHD, I forced myself to go.
I'll explain more about that in just a minute.
I drove there - and it just felt important. It felt mature.
I parked and walked to the entrance - and even as my heels were clicking on the pavement - and I saw the words 'Mental Health Center' - I wanted to turn around and walk back to the car.
"I'm not crazy".
What stigmas we put on mental health.
How we defend our sanity! (Or at least I do!)
I kept reminding myself that this was about living my best life.
My first thought when I walked in:
"I want to work here".
It was beautiful! It was this lobby that was just filled with an incredible peace - and there was this atrium garden that I could have sat and looked at all day.
Filled with neon colored azaleas, that the gloominess of the day really illuminated.
I really wish I had taken some photos.
I found out that they are hiring gardeners for the summer.
Oh, yes I did.
|favorite picture of my garden|
I was then brought into a business office where I gave them all the insurance information, and then whisked up to the second floor where the therapist would see me.
As I sat there - again, I thought "I want to work here."
I watched the interaction of the co-workers.
It made me miss working.
It made me miss paperclips, staplers and memos.
I missed wearing heels daily, and chatting with co-workers.
I've always enjoyed office work.
Mainly, I miss a paycheck.
Then I thought - "heck, I should be a therapist! How cool would that be - digging around in people's brains - and then on my lunch hour, I could tend the gardens."
I sat, and waited, and fidgeted, and thought a hundred times why I didn't really need to be here, and I could just go up to the counter now, and say 'I changed m'mind George'.
But I had my Kenneth Cole jeans on, and my heels, and by God I was staying.
Then I started taking pictures of my feet with my phone, and thought 'eh, maybe I need to be here.'
A lovely, kind faced woman called me in.
I was informed that I'd be given an 'initial diagnosis' that day - but in order to have an 'official' diagnosis, I'd have to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or be involved in 'talk therapy' for some time. I had to get an initial diagnosis to move forward, however.
I was asked a million questions.
I couldn't help but feel such gratitude as I was answering them.
I've been quite fortunate in this life.
Never abused, never addicted to anything besides cupcakes.
I remember we laughed alot.
I showed her this list - off their very own website -
We went over them, one by one - and I told her how I had each and every one of them, except for the anger outbursts, and I felt that it was holding me back from my best life.
(You'll see on the list 'trouble with following through with promises and commitments - I can say that I am good with my promises, unless I just forget - which I do often, but it's not on purpose - but commitments - well, that's an issue. I plan way too much, and I'm excited about the plans when I make them, and then I lose interest, or just feel too busy, and 9 times out of 10, I wish I didn't have the plans when it comes time to act on the plans. Can I get an amen? I'm notorious for cancelling.)
|one of my favorite pics of Aaron : -)|
I told her how I live with a sense of frustration all the time, and constantly feel like an underachiever.
Did you spit your coffee out?
See - this is what I want to address girls.
Why in the sam hill - after getting up at 5am - being busy and productive until bedtime, would I possibly feel like I'd underachieved?
I tell myself - "Jayme girl - you accomplish a lot."
But then there's that voice that tells me 'coulda done more, shoulda done more.
I don't get it either.
And let me just say I don't feel like I have to 'prove anything' to anyone - and I don't feel driven to achieve in order to increase my self esteem or any such thing.
|no caption needed|
And then we talked about my OCD tendencies.
I for one think they are good.
Who doesn't like a tidy environment?
Martha Stewart HAS to be OCD, so I'm in good company.
She gave me an initial diagnosis of Adult ADHD and mild OCD.
We talked about anxiety - because he said that anxiety and ADHD are very close in their symptoms.
I told her how I'd read a lot on both topics, because I too thought that it was anxiety - but after reading - I don't think so. Anxiety is fearful thoughts. Uncontrollable fearful, foreboding thoughts, I don't have those, at all - in fact, it might behoove me if I did actually worry about the future a tad more than I do!
My plan is to have a few sessions of talk therapy.
I'd like to get some techniques that could help me go to bed at night with the thought of 'good job girl, you honored yourself, you spent your time wisely, and you are quite fabulous', instead of 'why didn't you do this, or that? Why didn't you push yourself harder when you worked out? Why, you should have gotten to that perennial bed on the east side of the house - there are no excuses!'
Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
I think what I want out of this journey is just some accountability.
I want to be aware of the behaviors and tendencies I have toward ADHD that interfere with my best life. I want to stop overbooking myself, I want to stop expecting so much from myself. I want to stop dreading plans I've made, I want to stop feeling like an underachiever. I want to stop working on eight projects at a time, and start finishing things fortheloveofGod.
|I have an incredible green bean recipe to share with you - soon!|
I see myself talking to the therapist once a month and saying 'ok - this worked - I kept a calendar - I didn't overbook myself - I honored my commitments to myself and others - I watched my thought processes, etc'. Or - 'ok that technique didn't work so good for me - what else ya got?'
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me!
I plan on sharing every little thing with y'all about this, I think it's important.
I hope that it might motivate you to choose to live your best life.
Please realize one thing today -
Your life is your choice.
You can choose to feel a victim of your thought processes, your cravings, etc. You can choose to feel tossed by the wind, out of control -
you can choose to grab life by the testicles and make it what you want it to be. You don't have to be overweight, out of shape, sad, overwhelmed, and living in a mess.
I don't know about you - but I'm grabbin' the balls baby.