Monday, March 17, 2014

On Failing

Cat blogging has always been popular.

It's Monday morning - and it's also the only day this week I have home.
It's sunny and about 20 degrees.
It's so danged quiet here right now the ringing in my ears is deafening.
I'm slumped in the corner of my couch - covered in a quilt - still in my pj's - belly growling - cat purring.
My 'to do today' list is manageable.


I ate sugar.


I'd like to say that I had a really, really good reason to eat it - and perhaps I did.
I listened to the voice in my head that told me that I couldn't live another moment without a vanilla latte.
It was really a disappointment - I didn't even finish it.

I'm going to just be really honest here, because I really don't know how to be otherwise - I'm all mixed up in the head.  More and more I'm realizing that I have food and body image issues.  I suppose it's only normal to have them after I've spent the better part of 40 years of my life fighting blubber.

Am I a failure?
I don't know.
I don't think so.  I don't want to believe so.
When I step out of my body and look at myself - I question my sanity that I'm even talking about being a failure because I had a grande vanilla latte - and half of it at that.

I could go on and on - but I'm not.  I am actually starting to worry about what I say here about this subject because the last thing I want to do to any of you is confuse you or mislead you in anyway that 'I have the answer'.  I don't.  I'm in the trenches with you.

I put rules on myself, and then I change them.  I say 'never' a lot when it comes to food - and then feel like a complete and utter failure when that 'never' becomes 'always'.

I've tried every program under the sun - and the only one that has ever worked for me has been the Leanness Lifestyle
I still think that's the best program out there.

The reason that I'm not active there 'right now' (I know I will be again) is that I've formed a very unhealthy relationship with the scale, and tracking my food daily.
I know that many people would disagree with me - but for right now - I just need not to weigh myself and I need to not have any goals in place for weight loss.

It truly has changed my life, and instead of messing around with 100lbs to lose - I really have learned to manage my weight, truly eat right and what I'm dealing with now is just about 20lbs.

I feel like I look like King Kong though - I find myself wanting to hide - embarrassed to make eye contact with people.  Ashamed.  I beat myself up a lot.  I scold myself all the time.  I'm so hard on myself.  
If anyone ever treated me the way I am treating myself - I'd consider them abusive
 and not want them in my life.
And yet I continue - internally - to abuse myself.
I'm literally mentally exhausted.

It boils down to this.
I feel better without sugar.
As in - none.
I feel better physically, mentally and emotionally.

It's the being out of control of myself that I think bothers me the most.

One of my favorite writers Leo Babauta penned this on failure:

Here’s what I do:
  • I take a breath. It’s not the end of the world to fail. I just need some space, some distance. I need to see the problem in perspective. When I do, I realize that the failure is pretty minor in the grand scheme of my life, in the grand scheme of the world of lives around me.
  • I reframe the failure. Someone once said there isn’t failure, only feedback. That means the failure is just a point of information, a part of the learning process. I like to say, it’s not a failure of me as a person, just a failure of my method. Which means I need to change my method.
  • I change the method. If the way I was doing it didn’t work, I need to find a new way. What can I do differently? In some of the cases above, I added some accountability, asked people for help, or looked for inspiration. In some of the other cases, I haven’t changed the method yet, to be honest.
  • I take the first step. The problem can be overwhelming, because quite frankly we can’t solve any of this stuff overnight, or even in a few days. We can, however, take one step, right now. One tiny step. And that’s all that matters.

I'm going to stop talking now - because I could just go on and on, and that's not what I want to do.

What I wanted to do - and I'm doing it with great reservation - cause we all know how well the DeClutter Me panned out (sorry!)  I am starting this 'program' for lack of a better word - I'm going to start it this Thursday.  Now, that's not to say that I'm just going to be on a quest to clean all the candy out of Lake County until then - but I chose Thursday to give you time to see if you'd like to join me.
And - it's the first day of Spring and that just seems symbolic to me.

Click's called Whole 30

I read the book, and
Really good.
This is what I did - and I made it 22 days.  So danged close.

I won't say anymore - just leave me a comment and let me know you are with me.
I'm doing it either way.

30 days.
Then - if you make it the 30 days - I think you should get yourself one of the Alex and Ani bracelets and we can wear them together and be our own little society.

What say ye?
Carefully consider this.

I'm not even thinking about losing weight right now - I just want to feel that I am the boss of me.  So I'm taking that step that Leo encourages me to do.

And to be further transparent here on the Webernet - I'm going to go as far as to say - I might need therapy to get to the bottom of my body image issues.
It's not fitting that I'm so hard on myself.
I think that maybe my failures are just feedback that something's not right.
I really need to get to the bottom of it, and perhaps change my method....

Vulnerably yours,


  1. Thanks for baring your soul again. It is so helpful to hear of your struggles, when I have my own. You are confronting your issues and making imperfect progress. Thank you.

  2. I can do Whole 30. More importantly, I NEED to do Whole 30. (I saw those damned circus peanuts in all their obsene orange glory when I was in the checkout line the other day. I wanted them so badly 'cause I had just the worst day but managed to turn my back. Satan in cellophane.) :-)

  3. Put my weight back on and all of its friends came with it this time. Stress equals = food.

    I have gave up pop for two weeks now which is a big start for me. As for food, I really can't make myself give a hoot right now.

  4. Jayme years ago I heard this saying years ago and it has stuck with me all these years and I do believe it pertains to me "It's not what you are eating it's what's eating you". I know the pain you are going through all to well. nancy

  5. You need to love yourself like GOD loves you and when you get that, things inside will change. I am beginning to see this with myself.

    Also, check out chia seeds. I find that when I have a craving, I make a smoothie and put a tablespoon in, I feel full and I am okay. And the seeds are loaded with goodness.

    Here is a ((((((HUG)))))) from me, NOW go give a hug to yourself.

  6. I do not think that you failed--you say that you only drank half of it and that it did not have the 'taste' that you had thought it would have--to me--that is a victory--cause the next time--you will be able to resist the temptation--good for you!! so you are actually further long on your goal than you think!!
    now me--it is bread and wheat products--I am going wheat free-- and so far for the last 3 weeks I have done pretty good--except for that darn Eggo waffle every morning for breakfast!!!
    I am feeling so much better and am eating lots more (organic) fruits and veggies and have even lost a little weight--but what am I going to do about the waffle??????
    so see we all have our struggles with something--!!!!
    On the sugar front--I do no sugar--except 2-3 squares of Dk chocolate each day--and I mean that--
    no other sugar--
    do we need to totally go without sugar ????
    hugs, di and miss gracie

  7. Praying for you Jayme, and for myself too. I know I gained what I lost last was only 8 pounds, but it was a loss. Blessings, xoxo,Susie

  8. Jayme, I was just ready to e-mail you and ask what you eat on a daily basis to avoid sugar because I find myself walking around in a fog all the time and I just want it to stop. I am so glad you are brutally honest on this blog. It is one of the things I truly love about you. So many of us struggle with exactly what you do. I am going to read that book. I am with you. Spring, a rebirthing. It is perfectly fitting.

  9. Hi Jayme, Love your honesty, and you are certainly not alone with all those emotions! I did the whole 30 with my husband last Spring. We did great (not without some struggles!!) and both lost about 15 pds, but more than that we FELT so good! No more aches, migraines, IBS.... But then he deployed for 6 months, and Im an emotional eater, and I gained 20 pounds while he was at sea. (empty nest at same time) It was so dumb! Now Im trying to go back to eating whole again, it tastes better, I feel better and I need to. I will join you! I have the book and a few WONDERFUL cookbooks that really help make it fun. Oh, and we are moving to HI in 9 months....that is my incentive!!! yikes.

  10. Jayme, this is not a failure, it's a test. You tested your theory about sugar, and guess what - you were right! It didn't taste as good as you thought it would and it kicked your butt. Now you know. And now you have even more incentive to complete your W30. And one less temptation while you're doing it.

    You know I'm here if you need W30 support. :-)

    For the rest of you, check out their website and forums - To do the W30 right, you don't HAVE to read the book, but I do recommend it. You can get most of the information from the book by reading through the website and forums. My thought is that it's an EFFORT to do the W30, so why wouldn't you want to read the book so you can do it right instead of putting in all that work but not get the results you want because you're eating something you shouldn't be but don't know you shouldn't be.

    Also, I do recommend using log on the W30 website as a daily journal. You will find yourself making better choices because you don't want to write down a bad choice for the world to see. :-)

    Jayme, I admire your determination to be healthy, emotionally and physically! You got this!

    1. I meant to add, if I hadn't JUST finished my own W30 I'd be doing this right along with you. I'll be cheering you all on from the sidelines as I plod through my re-introductions. Give me a "J"!

  11. I could weep because I could have written this. I too am 20 pounds fro goal and I keep self sabotaging....I need help, mentally and don't know where to turn. I loathe myself literally and the scornful internal abuse has got to stop! I have a counseling appointment on Wednesday. I hope that helps!
    Xoxo. Thanks for sharing!!

  12. Sending you {{{Hugs}}} and understanding. Why on earth are we so very hard on ourselves?? I am practicing saying nice, affirmative things to myself every morning. I love your honesty, your self-questioning, your ability to put into words what alot of women are feeling, your ability to relate to others, your strength in admitting your weaknesses, your caring, your willingness to work hard at something...

  13. Not so long ago, I was addicted to McDonalds Iced Mocha. I mean to tell you...if anyone was going out, they better be bringing me back one. And then I gave up the sugar and carbs for a bit. Flash forward..and I was like 'Hmm. I've been good. Let me revisit my old friend.'....and......then I got sad. Because it wasn't as good as I remembered and what the heck was I so addicted to them in the first place for. Ahhh, well...

  14. Your barring your soul helps me tremendously but then I feel sad that you are upset with yourself.
    It is such a circular set of circumstances and emotions that comes to play in this sugar, white flour, processed, grain induced world.

  15. Hubby and I decided this morning that Wednesday is our day to start whole30! I am about 2/3 of the way through the book and loving it. Also not focusing on weight loss, but rather some telling symptoms that I am ready to see gone. I'll be following your 30 days with much interest.

  16. My iPad locked up . . . continuing from above . . .
    And then you add exercise, weight training and everything surrounding that, plus all the books, plans, programs . . . constant focus on diet, how we look, etc ,it's a wonder we aren't all crazy.

    Not sure what i would call what I am currently doing but whatever it is I feel better about myself. I know one thing, one tiny little bit of sugar leads me to a whole lot more so I am thankful I am going into day thirteen with Miss Sugar absent from my tum tum!

    I will join along with you Jayme although I have no time to read the book until after the weekend. I have a family function I am doing the cooking for so my days are filled this week.

    More than anything I want you to reach that "best place" for you . . . As with me, I wonder why self image is so tied with certain foods as well as not certain foods. Wishing each of us a bit of a Irish luck!

  17. Dahling..I personally think you're nuts...and I mean that in the kindest possible way. You are SO hard on yourself. Just remember you're not alone...I gave up on my"gave up for Lent" two days in. Now don't I sound like someone who should be taking this journey with you? Then there will always be someone that you've done better than! Bought the book.....I'm in.

  18. I'm in. So tired of the sugar roller coaster!! Thank you for your honesty!

  19. I agree I am in also

  20. Im rooting for you. But beating up on yourself is unacceptable, it tends to lead to other unacceptable feelings and behaviors. You gotta love yourself woman, your good, bad, successes and failures... You gotta love all of it, and learn to live with yourself.

  21. Getting the book from the library! I need help and I'm willing to try!

  22. I'm exactly the opposite. I need sugar. If I don't have sugar, I don't feel well at all. I lost eighty pounds a couple of years back and I ate a piece of cake every morning every day while doing so. I lost the weight by walking. A lot. Like five miles a day. And not eating big meals. I have gained some back, but last week at the doctor's, he said I had lost weight. I have not looked at a scale in years. The only way I know if I have gained or lost is if the doctor mentions it. I won't even look at the scale in the doctor's office while they weigh me. I refuse to be hung up about my weight, whether I am fatter or slimmer will not rule my life. I hope you can find a happy medium in your life and look at how beautiful you are inside and out and just live your life. It's too short to spend so much time thinking about your weight.

  23. I have a friend that has done this twice, she eats Paleo now, I am going to pick her brain. I have already messaged her and she has made a few suggestions especially since I would like to have my hubby join along, she suggested I try Paleo first to help encourage my husband. I'll be doing something to get healthy but maybe not the exact same thing. I'm with you that it's not so much about the weight as about getting healthy and working to continue on that road........for me sometimes I backtrack......the most important thing is not to beat myself up.. Thank you for openly sharing it certainly makes me realize that "I'm not the only one" that struggles.

  24. Ok, you need to stop woman!! I agree with trying to live more clean. I know at the ripe old age (cough) fifty something, doesn't make it any easier, at least for me. Our bodies, well, mine has a mind of its own. I eat small portions, am committed to watching my sugar intake and my weakness right now is exercise. Not doing so well on that front. I have gained about 20 extra pounds in the last two years and it just won't budge. I only recently lost 7 pounds with the flu bug, but just to gain it back! I am frustrated but also know that I can't beat myself up over it. Yes, there is sugar in so many things, but I want to enjoy life too. Your a beautiful person and it doesn't take a size 4 to prove your worth. Just saying girl. In this world of all this airbrushed magazine photos, stars and news anchors with all their botox faces and capped teeth, it is ridiculous. I don't remember our mothers, aunts, grandmothers obsessing over looks and weight loss, like our society today does.. I am all for healthy living, but a slip here and there is going to happen Jayme. I haven't crumbled yet, as we observe Lent and my daughter and I have gave up Starbucks/Specialty drinks. I did come close to going to McDonalds yesterday too, but thank goodness my inner voice said "no". Your inner voice needs to stop beating you up though. Be kind to yourself Jayme. Try....


  25. Maybe Dr Davis would be helpful ?
    Maybe just eating sugar in moderation ?
    I think you're great :)

  26. Jayme, I did not read any other comments so someone may of said this...BUT just my 2 cents...Anything, where you set yourself up to be perfect and totally restrictive seems to be a set up for making a person feel bad. Instead of whole30, primal,... total decluttering, how about a practice of moderation? A focus on healthy lifestyle with a balance, no extremes. no set of rules that when broken mean failure, no living up to someone other than yourself "set of rules". When you get this focus on just healthy, not "rules" to be healthy you may feel better, You may need to work on the ocd stuff first, you


  27. I am doing this...I was already planning on doing a 30-day sugar-free spree with my husband. (I was just waiting until after my recent visit to my hometown Chicago this past weekend!) Got the idea from you, Jayme. We, too, are sugar addicted; I was also reading about sugar intolerance and know we've GOT to do something. I felt bad you thinking yourself as failed, because it is YOU who are encouraging ME! So this post is perfect timing for me. It will help to be doing this with others. The support will be great!

  28. I've heard that sugar is one of the worst addictions to break. It is hidden in everything. I used to work in a clinic for addictive behaviors and I would always tell my clients to just move forward, you can't go back. Have you tried keeping a journal? Sometimes it is helpful in realizing what is going on with you. Even if you just keep one in correlation with what you are feeling, what you are craving and what you are eating. It might help identify your "stumbling blocks" so that you can better prepare and deal with them. Just a thought. But most important, keep moving forward. Can't undo what has been done. Take care. I love you.

  29. Pick yourself up!
    Brush yourself off!
    Start all over again!'s just a silly 1/2 vanilla latte. It is no big deal. I understand the disappointment, but the grand scheme of all the amazing things you have accomplished, it is nothing. You will prevail.

  30. Okay, you! I just got home and am playing catch up. You know that I am in the same boat with you and sometimes, it feels awfully flimsy and full of holes. First of all, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! Pick yourself up and move is done and over with. You had sugar and feel icky...If I have sugar, especially after abstaining, I wake up with all the symptoms of a hangover. Took me a long tome to recognize that for what it was for me. There are people who can have a bit and move on both mentally and physically...I am not one of them...nor are you. Makes me envious, but I can not dwell on that.
    Listen to YOUR body, Jayme. You know what works. You know how your body reacts. Even not in :weight loss mode", you know what makes you feel good. Listen to it...tell that voice to take a flying leap off something tall. Call me or E-Mail me if you need when in one of those "loud voice" moments...Seriously, Jayme.
    By the way...I am a few days late, but I am IN!!!!! :-)
    Hugs, Jayme.

  31. You know a person can be just as obsessive about good things as bad. It's not fair to expect to live in the extreme all the time. My take.... put some honey in your chia tea. Your honey IS GOOD for you. Maybe then it won't be a vanilla latte. :-} Luv ya girl. I need to make a visit soon. Want to look at how you did your coop so this time when I do it, its more practical.

    Cedar Lake


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