Wednesday, March 19, 2014

On Failing Version 2.0

Mercy sakes alive.
I love you guys.

I've gotten so many wonderful emails - and just now I got off the phone with my dearest friend reading me the riot act - she just read the blog.

I read all of your comments several times over.
I gots some clarifyin' to do.

Before I go any further though - I do want to say that the Whole 30 is on like donkey kong.
Tomorrow is the first day of Spring, and I'm determined to make it at least 23 days - thus improving on my best score to date of 22 days.  
: -)

I do hope that you will check in here everyday and leave comments of your struggles and victories, and we can support each other.  
So - please be ready to roll as of tomorrow morning, and please don't have your 'Last Supper' tonight.

Ok..the clarification.

Do I consider myself a failure?

Do I consider myself unacceptable because I ingested a Starbucks beverage?
Do I consider myself a failure if I eat something that's not healthy?
Do I consider myself a loser cause I'm 20lbs overweight?
Do I think I'm unattractive?


I really don't.  I really do think I'm all of that and a bag of  baked sweet potato chips.
I really do.
I think I have great qualities, and that I'm not half bad looking.
If I could be anyone in the world - I'd choose me.
The truth is I try really hard to live my best life, and I get really frustrated with myself when I make choices that are not in that best interest.

I know I'll never be perfect, and really it's not what I strive for.  I just strive to be 'my' best.
I strive to let behaviors go that do not serve me well.
I had to declutter the house because I couldn't live my best life in a mess.
I decluttered my body because I couldn't live my best life at 250lbs.

This is the deal - and I hope I explain myself correctly - because I'm still feeling the affects of eating off - because let's be honest - it didn't stop with Starbucks - Starbucks turned into pizza, turned into Dairy Queen, turned into Hersheys - you get the drift.

Do I think that there is anything wrong with those foods?
No - I don't.
I think they are all delicious and have a place in life.
I don't see a thing wrong at all in having them.
In fact - if you were to eat them exclusively - and if you could tell me with no reservations that you felt that you were living your best life while eating them, and feared no consequence of health ramifications in the future - I'd say 'lucky you!'.

It's really not that I'm a few pounds overweight that I'm scolding myself over - 
what I feel that I'm scolding myself over is this:

I cannot live my best life eating those foods - and yet, I eat them.

Now - for some of you - you can have moderation.  You can say 'well - wasn't that pizza delicious?' and go on about your life as if nothing has happened.

For me?

I can have that pizza - and then for about a week - I'm bloated and feel like I'm digesting gravel.
If that was all that happened, I'd say - "Heck!  Pizza once in a while is so delicious that it's worth feeling like that!'

But for me - pizza, ice cream, cake - anything refined, with sugar, dairy, flour or any chemicals of any kind - artificial flavors or colors causes this:

Confusion. Depression. ADHD.  Chronic pain. No impulse control. 
I get paranoid and think that no one likes me.  
It takes every ounce of mental energy I have to make it through the day.
Basically - I cannot function.
Glen comes home and I look like a homeless bum, the bed isn't made, I have no clue what I'm having for supper, the cats are hungry and basically I've been binge watching Netflix or I've been on Pinterest all day.

When I eat clean for long periods of time, and then 'treat' myself - it's even more pronounced.
Basically - when you feel like crap ALL of the time - you get rather used to it.
But - when you feel REALLY great for a long time - and THEN feel like crap - well - it's a bit unbearable.

Since my weekend 'treats' - I've not been very functional this week.
I'm so scatterbrained I cannot function well during the day - and find myself just a frustrated, distracted mess.
I literally can't finish anything.  The bed hasn't been made in two days.
Now - ya'll know me - that's just not me.
Is it OK?
Ya - it's not going to end the world - and I'm not saying that there is anything WRONG with not making the bed...but it snowballs into other things.  The next thing you know - you haven't showered in three days, and you are forgetting things, and your brain is screaming 'just give me more Starbucks and I can function!'.

It's a vicious cycle.  

THAT'S what I'm scolding myself over.
I know FULL well when I sit down with a grilled cheese sandwich - that I've basically scheduled some 'me time' on the calendar for a few days of being unable to function.

Who in their right mind would do such a thing?

When will I just settle down into acceptance over this?

Surely - you wouldn't tell an alcoholic that they could drink in moderation.
Surely - you wouldn't tell a gambling addict to 'stay away from the boats - just play the scratch and win tickets once in a while'.

Yet - food addictions, intolerances - or whatever it is you want to call it are real - and no one wants to admit it - acknowledge it - or believe it.

I do believe in the future - the NEAR future - it's going to explode on the scene as the 'newest thing'.  I think people are finally starting to wake up and realize that what they eat directly affects their moods, thoughts, actions, and all in all - the quality of their life.

So that's why I get so frustrated with myself.
I cannot tolerate something outside of myself having control over me.
Does that make more sense to you now?
I hope so.

The good news is that I'm 93.5% better than I was when I first started this journey.
And for that - I acknowledge how far I've come, and how persistent I am.

My hope and belief is that this Whole30 will heal my gut and help me heal my food issues.
The goofy thing is - I really enjoy my healthy food.
I'm not suffering in any way!
The healthy fruit smoothie I make tastes way better than a Dairy Queen Blizzard to me.
So I'm just trying to figure the heck out why I would basically eat something that doesn't even taste good and causes me such distress in every way.

I know this might sound dramatic - but I honestly believe that stumbling over this same issue - over and flipping over - is robbing me of my destiny.
I feel that there are good and important things for me to do in the world.
The thought of some 'food' robbing of that?
Well - that really pisses me off.


  1. I absolutely hear you. The only thing that will be a struggle for me to eliminate from my diet is dairy. I do love raw milk and I don't have lactose issues. That being said, I can do ANYTHING for 30 days. I think. :)

    1. Well, I'm living proof that you can do it for at least 22 days. : -)

  2. An awesome post- and I applaud you for your honesty and candor! I know that you know how amazing you are- it's the food that clouds things- like you said! Sending my "you can do this" thoughts your way for the Whole 30-

  3. Wow, I think our scolding, no make that concerns, care and reinforcements brought the Jayme wind back to Gale Force again. You live life very powerfully in everything you do, I get it. I understand the sugar issue for you really seems to send you off on a binge, or so it seems. Sure day 23 and you crashed and what sounds like burned?? More than the Starbucks? Well, I think from reading again your previous post and now this one, it seems it is a metabolic issue for sure for you. If this is the case, then do what you have to do. I get that weight has been an issue most your life and that you feel you need to keep it (everyday) in check like an addict. Ok, but everyone's metabolism is different. Was just watching Rachael Ray show this am, um well, interesting study, check it out....

    This whole diet/ lifestyle is so overwhelming to me at least. Our bodies need protein, some fat and even carbs...but at what levels and for you and I it might be different levels... Ugh! Alls I know for me is, I always had an average overall weight, only really gaining through pregnancies and was able to lose..through chasing with four kids. Now I am madder than H, that because of hormone flex I am not burning my calories like the old days... So dam frustrating!!! Good luck Jaymes. For me I am about ready to seek help from a nutritionist? LOST....Ugh!


    1. Debra - thanks so much for responding - I always appreciate your input! I think I'm past the whole weight issue - it's really just about feeling good and functioning at the level I want. I just know I can't do it with donuts. : -) I eat carbs liberally - fruit, sweet potatoes and gobs of veggies. Do the Whole30 with us!

  4. Totally love this post! I especially like the quotes and the diagram, LOVE the diagram. I just started reading the book Whole30 and am on Chapter 8. Wow, have I learned a lot! What a great book, probably the best I have ever read, and I have read tons of diet and food books over my 40 years on this planet. I even recommended this book to my mom, who has fought with weight issues her whole life. But she doesn't read. And I said to her even if you only read Chapter 4 of the book, please do. As it explains why we do what we do with food, and why so many things seem to consume us. But my favorite quote of that book, that really sums it all up, and I'm paraphrasing, but "Every thing you eat is either making you more healthy or less healthy." No truer words have ever been spoken about food!

    1. Thanks Danielle! I too think that the "It Starts With Food" is the best book I've read on the subject too! I'm going to start reading it again today.

  5. Jayme, You are honest. I wish you the best in this struggle. The bad part of food addictions....we have to there is always a temptation for us. It's not like popping on a patch to stop smoking...wish they had a "do not eat Patch."LOL The closest I come to not eating is when I am scared(worried). I am always trying to stop eating sugars. It's on again , off again. Blessings to you honey. xoxo,Susie

    1. Thanks so much for commenting Susie, I really appreciate it. xo

  6. Jayme,

    I so 'get' what you are saying. You are spot on. And amazing too! Now will you please write the book I keep asking you for :)


    1. Thank you, thank you! I was beginning to feel way off base since no one was commenting. I'd love to write that book! Maybe if I could keep my head clear of Dairy Queen I'd actually have available brain cells to write that book. : -)

  7. Thank you! Reading about your struggles makes me feel normal. I feel the same way when I eat unhealthy but it's hard to resist when no one else gets it. When you're the outsider. When everyone around you thinks you're being ridiculous for not eating gluten or dairy. So again thank you for writing this.

    1. Thank you! You leaving this comment makes ME feel normal. Sometimes I feel weird in social settings - and everyone is looking at you - and contrary to what I might portray here on the blog - I really don't like a lot of attention. : -)

  8. "Glen comes home and I look like a homeless bum, the bed isn't made, I have no clue what I'm having for supper, the cats are hungry and basically I've been binge watching Netflix or I've been on Pinterest all day."

    If I was the paranoid sort, I'd be looking for cameras in my house. (But, you know...if my bed isn't made, I'm damn sure not going looking for cameras.) Ahh, you make me cry sometimes, because you write something....and I feel less alone.

    1. Amy - you know - today I felt so vulnerable for sharing all of this, and I had the thought 'I need to keep my yammer hole shut and stop blogging' - after your comment - I've changed my mind. I think it's time we talked about all of this and stopped walking around like we all have our stuff together, you know? You are definitely not alone. xo

  9. Just catching up,Jayme. You KNOW that I GET IT! I am cheering you on. God bless ya- you can do this--one day at a time! xo Diana

  10. I get it too . . . especially since I let myself get zapped in the midst of fifteen days. Of course there has been some beating myself up but my good news was immediately recognizing what and why my feelings of bloating and snappy nasty mouth was occurring. So, back to this day . . . and beginnings. I do know subtle stress not identified, adds to the mix.

  11. Okay...I feel better after reading this post. :-)


Thanks so much for leaving a comment!