Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Stop! In the Name of Love....

You know what I love so much about this picture? 
It shows me resting - with the wheelbarrow in the background.
To me it symbolizes the journey that I am on - learning to relax in the midst of it all.

I don't want to be dramatic - but this past week has possibly been one of the most important weeks in my little life.

Many of you may not 'get this'.  Many of you will think 'well gee whiz Coop Keeper - that's just common sense.'  Bear with me.  We all struggle with different things - and just as I can easily say to a smoker - 'why in the sam hill do you want fire so close to your face - just put it out' - you could say to me 'hey - calm down and stop this madness!'

Let me back track.

Remember Monday's list?
I finished it.
I worked from 5am to 9:45pm - pretty much non-stop.
I felt proud - and exhausted.

I woke up Tuesday swollen all over from work.  My hands ached, my body ached.
Tuesday was busy - Wednesday was busy.

I had therapy on Wednesday - and I was to bring in my 'list for the week' for the therapist to review.
Review it she did.
She had a reaction very similiar to yours.
We talked at depth about my anxiety over having a long list - or having a short list.
She tends to think that I've used busyness as a coping mechanism.
She tends to think that I tend to find my worth in work.
Not sure what I've been trying to 'cope with' - but it struck a chord in my heart - and I've been thinking about it since she said it.
And perhaps that is why I felt like NOW was the time to deal with it once and for all - cause it just wasn't working for me anymore -

Thursday, I was very near unwell - in the menstrual sort of way - and when I woke up Thursday- I had the thought - 'What if?'
What if I just stayed in bed all day?
What if I didn't cook dinner?
What if?
Would the world stop if I didn't cross off items on the to do list?

Deep feelings of guilt came across my heart when I thought of doing something as indulgent as taking a day off.

My body ended up forcing me to do just that.
My body may have not been moving much - but my brain was really going.

I made a decision.  The kind of decision that you know is important, the kind of decision that you know once you make it - you don't ever go back.

I'm stopping - in the name of love.
Before I break my heart.
I've thought it o-o-ver.

I'm opting out.
Are you seated?
Do you have a mouth full of something?

I'm not making lists anymore.
Just a grocery list.
No more 'to do lists'.
No more expectations.
No more demands.

I'm opting out of the madness.
I'm opting out of what every one else expects of me - and even of what I expect of myself.

I have had quite possibly the most beautiful four days of my life.
I have inadvertantly accomplished alot - but you know what?
I enjoyed every minute of it!
I felt zero stress.
I napped on the swing every day.
I felt as if I had all the time in the world.
I moved in slow motion when I did things - fully present in the moment - enjoying my chores - taking the time to see the beauty around here every day.
The most important things got done.

Every time I looked in the mirror I said 'Girl - you are fabulous!'
Soon, I'll believe it.
I just know it.

I stitched up this little pillow - and have it in my bedroom where I see it first thing every morning.
I showed it to Aaron this morning, and was telling him 'I'm a brand new Marmie' and then of course I had to tell him 'When I'm dead - please don't put this in the dumpster or garage sale - keep it - cause it means a lot to me' - he assured me that the house will become a living museum when I'm gone.
I love that kid.

I feel new and reborn.
There is no going back.

Think it o'o ver.


  1. Your wisdom is extraordinary.

    SO proud of you!!!!! Do you hear me cheering???? I am- OUT LOUD. For realz!

    I let go and did some resting this weekend too. And made a craft!!! ANd I finished it. I made time for ME! Wooooo Hoooooo! I am so glad you did too!


  2. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last. Love you. Rho

  3. I love when something just clicks. Good for you, Jayme!

  4. You are more than enough!!! love you!

  5. A grocery list is the ONLY list you will ever find in this house. It's enough. Everything else in life I do only if it crosses my mind that it needs doing, and even then I don't always do it. LOL

  6. Thank you Jayme! I gleaned quite a bit of wisdom from this post...and I intend to put some of it work in my life. Bless your heart for always sharing.

  7. I "get it." Life is such a gift and God wants us to enjoy it. I think you are finding your way. And by the way, YOU are fabulous! :) Whew, I got scared for a minute because I thought you were going to stop blogging. ;)

  8. Ooooo love your "Ah Hah!" moment!! WOW!

  9. I think, quite possibly, you are one of the WISEST people I know. Enjoy every single second!!!!!

  10. Spot on lady. You look fabulous. I'm so proud of you. Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

  11. So glad you sound so happy. I wish I could be happy in the little I feel I do. Maybe I should do the opposite of what you're doing and make lists of what I do actually get accomplished so I can see that I really DO get things done. I don't count the little, mundane things but I forget that if I didn't do those things my family would probably miss it.

  12. Kindred spirits girl- we are on the same journey! I woke up Saturday early morning and experienced an overwhelming sense of happiness- walked around in a daze of wonder all day! Yeah! to changes in attitude!!

  13. I think you've got it!!!
    but beware, slippage is oh so easy.

  14. We didn't get dressed until 2:30 PM last Saturday. AND we went to KFC for dinner. WHAT do you think of that? :)

  15. Good for you! I do make lists. But not as often as I use to. Everything still gets done in its own time. And sometimes if it does not get done I find that it did not need getting done in the first place. Have a wonderful week Jayme!

  16. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it? I think I'll give it a go. Already I'm saying YEAH RIGHT... but why ever not?... indeed.

  17. Wow! I laugh & tell my friends that it took me 60 years to learn to "sit" on the front porch. I make lists, and think today, tomorrow, or someday it will get done. In other word, procrastination has become a friend.

  18. You just need to make lists like I do...I write things down "after" I do them. That way I actually have something to cross off!!! Works every time!
    So glad that you are resting. Makes the things we do more meaningful when we can take the time to enjoy life :)

  19. You ARE enough . . . and I so enjoy having met you through your blog. I like your "reads."

  20. Jayme, I am very, very, very proud of you. You have come a long way, baby. I am a list maker, too, but not as nuts over it as I used to be...I think mine came with age..rather than smarts! xo Diana

  21. Amen Sister, and again I say "Amen"!

  22. What's a girl to do...if I stop making lists, I'll never remember the important things (old age?!) that need doing! Maybe just making a shorter list is a good start? Always fun to stop by. -Mary

  23. You are a smart kid. Your value is not in what you do, it is in who you are. I know the struggle, when you stay at home, to be productive all day long because so many think you are lazy if you do not...especially for me after my kids were big... but running all day long is not the answer. I "get" this blog on so many levels. I, too am working on it. I wanna sit on the porch swing with ya. xoxo


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