Stop! In the Name of Love....

You know what I love so much about this picture? 

It shows me resting - with the wheelbarrow in the background.

To me it symbolizes the journey that I am on - learning to relax in the midst of it all.

I don't want to be dramatic - but this past week has possibly been one of the most important weeks in my little life.

Many of you may not 'get this'.  Many of you will think 'well gee whiz Coop Keeper - that's just common sense.'  Bear with me.  We all struggle with different things - and just as I can easily say to a smoker - 'why in the sam hill do you want fire so close to your face - just put it out' - you could say to me 'hey - calm down and stop this madness!'

Let me back track.

Remember Monday's list?

I finished it.

I worked from 5am to 9:45pm - pretty much non-stop.

I felt proud - and exhausted.

I woke up Tuesday swollen all over from work.  My hands ached, my body ached.

Tuesday was busy - Wednesday was busy.

I had therapy on Wednesday - and I was to bring in my 'list for the week' for the therapist to review.

Review it she did.

She had a reaction very similiar to yours.

We talked at depth about my anxiety over having a long list - or having a short list.

She tends to think that I've used busyness as a coping mechanism.

She tends to think that I tend to find my worth in work.

Not sure what I've been trying to 'cope with' - but it struck a chord in my heart - and I've been thinking about it since she said it.

And perhaps that is why I felt like NOW was the time to deal with it once and for all - cause it just wasn't working for me anymore -

Thursday, I was very near unwell - in the menstrual sort of way - and when I woke up Thursday- I had the thought - 'What if?'

What if I just stayed in bed all day?

What if I didn't cook dinner?

What if?

Would the world stop if I didn't cross off items on the to do list?

Deep feelings of guilt came across my heart when I thought of doing something as indulgent as taking a day off.

My body ended up forcing me to do just that.

My body may have not been moving much - but my brain was really going.

I made a decision.  The kind of decision that you know is important, the kind of decision that you know once you make it - you don't ever go back.

I'm stopping - in the name of love.

Before I break my heart.

I've thought it o-o-ver.

I'm opting out.

Are you seated?

Do you have a mouth full of something?

Sit.

Swallow.

I'm not making lists anymore.

Just a grocery list.

No more 'to do lists'.

No more expectations.

No more demands.

I'm opting out of the madness.

I'm opting out of what every one else expects of me - and even of what I expect of myself.

I have had quite possibly the most beautiful four days of my life.

I have inadvertantly accomplished alot - but you know what?

I enjoyed every minute of it!

I felt zero stress.

I napped on the swing every day.

I felt as if I had all the time in the world.

I moved in slow motion when I did things - fully present in the moment - enjoying my chores - taking the time to see the beauty around here every day.

The most important things got done.

Every time I looked in the mirror I said 'Girl - you are fabulous!'

Soon, I'll believe it.

I just know it.

I stitched up this little pillow - and have it in my bedroom where I see it first thing every morning.

I showed it to Aaron this morning, and was telling him 'I'm a brand new Marmie' and then of course I had to tell him 'When I'm dead - please don't put this in the dumpster or garage sale - keep it - cause it means a lot to me' - he assured me that the house will become a living museum when I'm gone.

I love that kid.

I feel new and reborn.

There is no going back.

Think it o'o ver.