A Lilies State of Mind

I be up in here considerin' the lilies y'all.

And can we just talk about the lilies for a minute?

Why are they already blooming?

Why are my black eyed susans in bud already?

It's a weird year - everything is so ahead.

My strawberries are about done already.

That reminds me of a story that I haven't told you yet.

It's a gruesome story of horror and woe and banty chicken heads.

I'll save it for another day - it's too lovely out to speak of such things.

as you can see, I like my beds FULL.  When I originally planted the garden - I put things much closer than they suggested, so that things would fill in faster.  I think this bed is about 8 years old now - I can't tell you how much I've thinned and given away - gardens, like most wonderful things - take time.  I like full beds cause you don't need to weed or mulch much!  I call it 'Square INCH Gardening'!

Glorious.

That's how I felt when I awoke this morning.

Excited.

Happy.

So looking forward to the day.

I don't even know what to say first - this post may not make a lick of sense.

Day six of a life without lists.

Guess what?

The house is clean - the laundry is done - the yard is coming along - I haven't missed any appointments and we are well fed.

And most importantly - we are all happy.

When Marmie is happy - everybody is happy.

Imagine that.

I realized yesterday how much I did things that really just didn't need doing.

How trapped my lists made me.

Grocery shopping on Thursdays.

What if I needed food on Tuesday?

I'd be so mad and frustrated that I had to go to the store on on 'off day'.

If I didn't mop the kitchen floor on Monday's - I felt a failure.

That sounds so ridiculous to me now.

Forcing myself to do sections of the garden each day - and then getting frustrated if the weather didn't cooperate and then 'I was behind!'.

Guess what?

All of my containers aren't even planted and I just don't give a hoot!

Lord have mercy.

I was one frustrated Coop Keeper most of the time.

I do want to interject here that my lists did serve me well years ago - when I was in utter chaos and never had food on the table or clean underwear in the drawer. My lists did train me - and got order up in here - now that order is a habit. The lists are no longer necessary.

I'll tell you a truth that my eyeball did twitch one time yesterday - and I almost got out the pen and paper.

But instead, I took my life in my own hands and answered a Freecycle ad for a box of size six and medium clothing that a gal was giving away.

I answered it "I'd love to have these clothes!  I've lost a hundred pounds and I need them!"

She responded kindly and gave me her address.

I was to be there at noon.

On the way there I realized that I could be going to pick up a box of cigarette smoke soaked, dog hair covered,

Walmart polyester mumus - but I was feeling reckless.

I picked up my box - thanked her - chatted a bit - and ran a few other errands on the way home.

Like groceries on a Tuesday.

Mmmhmmm.

Finally stopped and got my glasses tightened up - something I never felt I had time to do before.

All of the sudden - I feel like I have all the time in the world.

What's changed?

My mind.

Wow.

Got the clothes home - and girls - I hit the JACKPOT!

Gorgeous, expensive brand jeans - awesome tops - every season - super cute dresses.

A conservative estimate is about $900 worth of clothes.

What a gift that was.

I like adding garden ornaments (but not too many) and I like to use smaller, flowering shrubs to anchor the beds and fill things up.  I just planted those petunias in front of the goose cause there was a 12 x 24 inch patch of bare dirt.
Can't have that!

I think I'll end this post now by saying this -

If you feel frustrated alot - overwhelmed - I truly believe it's your spirit trying to tell you something isn't right.

Just like your stomach or your head hurts when you are physically not well, your spirit manifests pain by frustration, guilt, shame, anger and depression.

Sometimes - it's so easy to be blind to behaviors, attitudes and thought processes that do not serve us - but hinder us, and even destroy us.

Life is way to short for that foolishness.

You can change.

It's hard - but it's worth it.

Stop! In the Name of Love....

You know what I love so much about this picture? 

It shows me resting - with the wheelbarrow in the background.

To me it symbolizes the journey that I am on - learning to relax in the midst of it all.

I don't want to be dramatic - but this past week has possibly been one of the most important weeks in my little life.

Many of you may not 'get this'.  Many of you will think 'well gee whiz Coop Keeper - that's just common sense.'  Bear with me.  We all struggle with different things - and just as I can easily say to a smoker - 'why in the sam hill do you want fire so close to your face - just put it out' - you could say to me 'hey - calm down and stop this madness!'

Let me back track.

Remember Monday's list?

I finished it.

I worked from 5am to 9:45pm - pretty much non-stop.

I felt proud - and exhausted.

I woke up Tuesday swollen all over from work.  My hands ached, my body ached.

Tuesday was busy - Wednesday was busy.

I had therapy on Wednesday - and I was to bring in my 'list for the week' for the therapist to review.

Review it she did.

She had a reaction very similiar to yours.

We talked at depth about my anxiety over having a long list - or having a short list.

She tends to think that I've used busyness as a coping mechanism.

She tends to think that I tend to find my worth in work.

Not sure what I've been trying to 'cope with' - but it struck a chord in my heart - and I've been thinking about it since she said it.

And perhaps that is why I felt like NOW was the time to deal with it once and for all - cause it just wasn't working for me anymore -

Thursday, I was very near unwell - in the menstrual sort of way - and when I woke up Thursday- I had the thought - 'What if?'

What if I just stayed in bed all day?

What if I didn't cook dinner?

What if?

Would the world stop if I didn't cross off items on the to do list?

Deep feelings of guilt came across my heart when I thought of doing something as indulgent as taking a day off.

My body ended up forcing me to do just that.

My body may have not been moving much - but my brain was really going.

I made a decision.  The kind of decision that you know is important, the kind of decision that you know once you make it - you don't ever go back.

I'm stopping - in the name of love.

Before I break my heart.

I've thought it o-o-ver.

I'm opting out.

Are you seated?

Do you have a mouth full of something?

Sit.

Swallow.

I'm not making lists anymore.

Just a grocery list.

No more 'to do lists'.

No more expectations.

No more demands.

I'm opting out of the madness.

I'm opting out of what every one else expects of me - and even of what I expect of myself.

I have had quite possibly the most beautiful four days of my life.

I have inadvertantly accomplished alot - but you know what?

I enjoyed every minute of it!

I felt zero stress.

I napped on the swing every day.

I felt as if I had all the time in the world.

I moved in slow motion when I did things - fully present in the moment - enjoying my chores - taking the time to see the beauty around here every day.

The most important things got done.

Every time I looked in the mirror I said 'Girl - you are fabulous!'

Soon, I'll believe it.

I just know it.

I stitched up this little pillow - and have it in my bedroom where I see it first thing every morning.

I showed it to Aaron this morning, and was telling him 'I'm a brand new Marmie' and then of course I had to tell him 'When I'm dead - please don't put this in the dumpster or garage sale - keep it - cause it means a lot to me' - he assured me that the house will become a living museum when I'm gone.

I love that kid.

I feel new and reborn.

There is no going back.

Think it o'o ver.

The Change

The seasons change.

Our moods change.

We as women, go 'through the change'.

We want to change.

Our President promised 'Change'.

We try to change - we beat ourselves up over the things we do that we don't want to do, and the things we want to do that we don't.

Are you as exhausted over it all as I am?

I'm trying to love myself to change.

I'm not even sure what that means at this point - it's a new thought to me.

When I think of change - I think of taking up arms - fighting the good fight - forcing - discipline - lists - and a general boot camp type mentality.

Getting this last ten pounds off has been tough.

Not physically tough - but mentally tough.

I'm trying to love it off of me.

If I ever figure out what I'm even talking about - I'll fill you in.

I'm trying to change alot at once - maybe that's why I'm pooped.

That's why I'm going to therapy for now - for some accountability.

My homework for the last two weeks was to take one day for myself and do what I wanted to do.

I haven't done it yet!

I read all of your comments and absolutely agreed with each one.

Yep, yep and yep.

What we put ourselves through, eh?

I know that change is more than possible - and if we really focus on changing - it happens.

And that my friends is the key - focusing on it.

The list of what I want to change is long - but right now I'm focusing on not expecting so much of myself.  I set the standard way too high for myself - and even my Coach said 'you try to bat 1000'.

Well...ya.

Here's my "To Do List" today.

Try not to laugh -

It's in no order - just wrote it all down as it came to my mind at 5 this morning over tea.

Make egg rolls for cooking club

tend the chickens - morning, afternoon

feed cats

finish garden section C

go to the Poultry Auction (Phyllis needs a man)

Cooking Club 12pm at Terry's

Call Terry

Upper body weight training

one hour cardio

do laundry

finish deep cleaning the kitchen

do coaching reviews

write a blog post

make dinner

get Aaron to ALC at 5pm

plan my week

take a jar of honey to Debby

pay cell phone bill

varnish the kitchen floor

Paula's Birthday!

call re: pavilion rental for the beekeeper's picnic

go to Sunrise Farms after Cooking Club and pick up rest of annuals

I'll be quite frustrated with myself if all of these aren't checked off.

Six of them already are.

As you can see I have no time to blog - and really shouldn't even be here.

:-)

In my mind - each and everyone of those if the most important thing to do.  I have trouble prioritizing - my mind says "get all the little things done first - and then you'll have time to focus on the big ones - but that's just bass ackwards - I have to get the big important things done first!

Like - making the egg rolls!

I gotta go!

I just wanted to let you know the winner of the serum!

Tracy said...

For today...I have once again found myself thinking I MUST have everything perfect before an event...and then I am so exhausted that I don't have the great time I should. That is where I am today. If everyone would please just say out loud to the universe, "Tracy- it's all good, stop already!", I'll be able to really enjoy the Coop Tour and share my love of chickens! Jamie- you look amazing- and are such an inspiration!!

May 16, 2012 12:47 PM

Tracy - email me your address ok?

And Jan?  Yes, you can stop by and get some - email me, k?

We ain't done talking about this.

It's important.

Life is Short - Be Moisturized

Another giveaway!

And a sale.

:-)

I am just so grateful for all of you - your support and concern towards me is just humbling.

Thank you.

Spring Chicken Skin Serum!

I'd love to give a bottle away - let's see - what can I ask you this time?

Got it.

If you could only change ONE thing about your behavior - what would that one thing be?

For me?

Stop overbooking myself.

I'm working on it.

The lucky winner will receive a free Chicken Skin Serum and a 'Beak Balm' Lip Balm!

If you haven't tried the skin serum yet - do it now.

I'm getting so many testimonials from people about how it's truly giving them amazing results.

Hopefully I'm my best advertisement - do I look like I've lost 90lbs?

I think the serum has really helped my skin recover well.

I'm slathering it all over my stomach now!

Get a bottle of serum and a lip balm - for $12.50!

While supplies last.

Life is short.

Be moisturized.

Order yours right here!

Shut Your Mouth!

The winner...so much for announcing it at the end of the week!

Better late than never.

Comment #17

Peacemom

first, we missed you during screen free week, so glad your back!

Hmmm....my summer bucket list includes gardening (we doubled the size this year)...raising organice meat chickens (25 in all, some for us, some for my folks and some to donate to needy family), some kayaking and camping in our little pop up. Lots of family time!...that little chicken sure would look cute next to my computer while I work (I work from home 30 hours a week on my computer for an insurance company)...yep, sure would be cute! Peace to you, Jayme! ~Vonnie, NH

Email me your address at jayme.goffin@yahoo.com

I trust you all had a lovely Mother's Day.

I know I did.

I had a whole feast planned.

A gluten free feast.

Chicken with Mushroom Sauce, Mashed Cauliflower, Green Beans with Bacon, White Bean and Tomato Salad, Flourless Chocolate Cake with berries.

The groceries were purchased, the plan was set.

However - I had some 'spell' that knocked me flat on my shapely behind.

I thought I was sick - like fever, cold, flu sick.

But I'm over it now - so it couldn't have been that.

Sisters
Glenda, Jayme, Cindy
Nicknames -
Chippy, Helga and Scrambles.

I got really, really hot.

I got really nauseated, faint, dizzy,weak, shortness of breath and chest pains.

It lasted two days.

Did I go to the Dr.?  Um.  No.

Should I?  Ya.

Will I?  It'll have to get a lot worse first.

I happened to be ovulating at the time - so I'm thinking I'm starting to deal with some hormones here.

So.

I cancelled dinner.

I did.

It was realllllly hard to do.

I also had to cancel on visiting a friend - which was extremely hard to do.

I abhor disappointing people.  I really do.

I had plans of honoring my sisters and mother-in-law with a lovely meal.

Genevieve, Glenco and Mwa.

We ended up eating out.

Here's some pics of the event.

I'm starting to think that it might be impossible to get a picture of me being serious, or with my mouth shut.

My poor gum to tooth ratio is seriously bothering me.

I'm ready to get the hot glue out.

I think my mom had it too - and it would explain the awkward smiles she has in most of her photos, kinda like this one.

Just another way I'm like my mom, and that makes me pretty danged proud.

Aaron and his 'Otha Motha'

Well gals, the weather is glorious and the to do list is long -

Have a happy Monday!

(ps - pics edited at www.picmonkey.com)

My Friend Fi

I'm so excited to introduce you to my friend Fiona.

I call her FiFi, Baby, Gorgeous, or Darling.

She has no idea I'm doing this blog post, and it's the middle of the night in New Zealand so I can't text her and ask her if it's OK.

:-)

I don't think she'll mind.

I met Fiona through the awesome 'club' Leanness Lifestyle University, and my Coach, David Greenwalt.

We became fast friends.  She is a gift. 

Fiona and I have grown to be close friends ,Skyping with regularity, and we met face to face for the first time last July at the Bootcamp graduation party.

She's coming back to America for this year's party as well, and the exciting, awesome news is that she's going to stay with me from June 19th until July 1st.

It's gonna be like this - except without the gruesome ending.

I reckon I'll be Louise, since I'm older and all.

And I wear glasses, and have been known to sport a headscarf.

We have a camping trip planned to my favorite spot - Turkey Run State Park - and - on June 29th - get a load of this....

We are doing a 5K race called

It's a mud obstacle course.

I'm so excited - and nervous - I have nightmares that I get trampled in the mud, only to be found after it all dries up.

That or I get strangled on the rope wall.

Please pray.

I have all sorts of crafts lined up for us to do - stitching whilst drinking tea and listening to Clare de Lune - lots of working out - lots of vegetables, lots of laughs.

With Fiona - there are 'lots of' everything.

Laughs, love, deep thoughts, and shenanigans.

We might pierce something.

You never know what might happen!

Fiona and I are twins.  We weigh the same, we are the same height - we eat off on the same days, we start our periods on the same day.

We've both been struggling lately to reach our ultimate goal.  We both want to lose another 10 lbs, but have been a bit ambivalent about it.

There's something we do in the Leanness Lifestyle called 'leverages'.

Once a week we are to set a leverage - for instance - mine this week was -

'drink a half a gallon of water a day for the next six days out of seven - or you don't get to watch Mad Men'

My Coach recommends three 'takeaways' and then one 'reward'.

So - my leverage could be - 'drink a half a gallon of water for the next six days out of seven - and then get that green nail polish you've been eyeballing'

(I'm rather all about my nails right now - surprising, isn't it?)

Well guess what we've got going?

My stomach gets in knots just thinking about it.

We both must weigh 150 lbs by June 19th -

OR

Fiona doesn't come to America.

I know alot of you are thinking 'that's RIDICULOUS'.

But ya know what?

It's knocked that ambivalence right out of me.

I'm working out more consistently - I'm eating cleaner -

and I WILL see my ultimate goal of losing 100lbs with my Coach, and weighing 150lbs.

Can you imagine if I let MY addiction or slack attitude cause Fiona to pay $2000 for a plane ticket that she can't use?

Can you imagine the disappointment of all the other Bootcampers that are anxiously waiting to meet Fiona?

Can you imagine the butt kicking I'd get from my Coach?

Me either.

Fiona is amazing, and I'm excited to share her visit with you.

For now - give this video a gander, and you're sure to fall in love with her, just like I did.

Fiona blogs occassionally at

www.fionaashford.blogspot.com

I'm sure she'd love any encouragement you could offer her - we both have to lose 10ish pounds by June 19th.

I wouldn't mind a little encouragement too.

:-)

'Twas Just a Garden in the Rain'

Rained out - or rained in - depends on how you look at it.

The chickens aren't happy.

The ducks are.

One bird's trash is another bird's treasure, so ya can say.

Rained out of laundry -

rained out of gardening -

rained out of hive inspections...

It's all good.  I tackled a desk full of papers and things that have been waiting for attention.

A rogue $90 bill for a recent pap smear that they insisted I owed.

The rain finally gave me a chance to call the insurance company.

I was right, I didn't owe it!

I also took some pictures.

It felt good - I've taken my camera out in the yard in quite a while.

What looks like a hot mess in 'real life' can be transformed with a little editing magic to look quite enchanting.

Why it almost looks like all the weeds in the bricks just belong there, doesn't it?

After Aaron worked his editing magic on this one - I exclaimed 'Oh I just want to live there!' - and then I realized - I did.

:-)

You have to be careful when you read some blogs.

Sometimes, everything can just be a bit too perfect, and it ya ain't careful - you compare the parts of your mundane life to the highlight shots of other people's blogs.

And you start to feel like you are missing something,

or that the grass is really greener on the other side.

Hopefully you don't feel that way here - cause I've got bucket loads of mundane going on.

There's a river running through my basement as I type this.

There's no shirtless Brad Pitt here cleaning it up either.

Right beyond this lovely shot of the roses climbing up the sculpture is a lovely sculpture that I didn't photograph.

Scaffolding.

Erected to fix the roof.

Mmmhmmm....

There's a 16 year old punk that won't work on his math.

I can assure you, it's the most ordinary of days here.

And I'm extraordinarily grateful for it.

Life.

It's going on right now in all of it's mundane glory, all of it's 'Johnny has a fever' and the toilet is clogged.

The basement's wet and I'm still in my pajamas at 3:42pm.

It's Monday.

It's raining.

It's life.

Mundane?

I say it's glorious.

I love it.

As soon as I post this, I'm going to clean the meat off of a turkey carcass and make soup.

Riveting isn't it?

Back with a Giveaway!

I'm back.

Miss me?

In my screen-free week I've been doing a lot of pondering, weeding, mulching, beekeeping, chicken rearing, weight training, cleaning, letting go, creating, entertaining, keeping Aaron in line, scheming and sitting about and doing nothing for ten minutes a day.  I'm getting really good at it too!

I also dyed my hair completely too blonde.

I got to thinking about you guys, and I just wanted to say 'thank you'.

Thank you for being here, and reading my drivel.

Thank you for all of your encouragement, all of your humor, advice and wisdom.

I so appreciate each and every one of you.

I've got something to giveaway to thank you.

Remember my chicken drawings?

I decided to try one in a stitchery, and I just love how it turned out.

It's wool felt.

I've been a stitchin' fool.

It's cuter in 'real life'.

It's about 7 x 7.

I wish I could make one of these for everyone - but one of ya will get one.

Just leave me a comment telling me what's on your summer bucket list.

I'll announce the winner by week's end.

Thank you - again.