It was an important day.
I could feel it from the moment I got up and finally started getting ready to go.
I chose to wear my $5 resale shop Kenneth Cole trouser jeans.
Such jeans are reserved for important days.
Heels were involved.
I really wanted to clarify something.
Perhaps, some things.
Do I think I'm crazy?
Hyper at times? You got it.
Mentally ill? No.
Do I think that there is ANY thing wrong with me?
Do I need, or plan on taking medication?
Do I like me?
Do I even need to pursue this path?
Well then, you ask - why the sam hill are you?
Cause I want to.
Cause I want to have a 'mental check up', just as I had a physical exam last fall.
If we are so concerned about our blood pressure, cholesterol readings and the like - why don't we place the same - nay, MORE concern in the place of checking our attitudes? Our thought patterns? Behaviors that don't serve us well?
I personally think that they are just as important, if not more important to our health.
This might take a while.
I'm going to throw in some of my favorite pictures to hold your interest.
It was a gloomy, rainy, cool Friday morning and I was dressed up.
I was talking myself out of this appointment for a week, but realizing that cancelling it, for me, was quite a symptom of the ADHD, I forced myself to go.
I'll explain more about that in just a minute.
I drove there - and it just felt important. It felt mature.
I parked and walked to the entrance - and even as my heels were clicking on the pavement - and I saw the words 'Mental Health Center' - I wanted to turn around and walk back to the car.
"I'm not crazy".
What stigmas we put on mental health.
How we defend our sanity! (Or at least I do!)
I kept reminding myself that this was about living my best life.
My first thought when I walked in:
"I want to work here".
"I want to work here".
It was beautiful! It was this lobby that was just filled with an incredible peace - and there was this atrium garden that I could have sat and looked at all day.
Filled with neon colored azaleas, that the gloominess of the day really illuminated.
I really wish I had taken some photos.
I found out that they are hiring gardeners for the summer.
Oh, yes I did.
|favorite picture of my garden|
I was then brought into a business office where I gave them all the insurance information, and then whisked up to the second floor where the therapist would see me.
As I sat there - again, I thought "I want to work here."
I watched the interaction of the co-workers.
It made me miss working.
It made me miss paperclips, staplers and memos.
I missed wearing heels daily, and chatting with co-workers.
I've always enjoyed office work.
Mainly, I miss a paycheck.
Then I thought - "heck, I should be a therapist! How cool would that be - digging around in people's brains - and then on my lunch hour, I could tend the gardens."
I sat, and waited, and fidgeted, and thought a hundred times why I didn't really need to be here, and I could just go up to the counter now, and say 'I changed m'mind George'.
But I had my Kenneth Cole jeans on, and my heels, and by God I was staying.
Then I started taking pictures of my feet with my phone, and thought 'eh, maybe I need to be here.'
A lovely, kind faced woman called me in.
I was informed that I'd be given an 'initial diagnosis' that day - but in order to have an 'official' diagnosis, I'd have to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or be involved in 'talk therapy' for some time. I had to get an initial diagnosis to move forward, however.
I was asked a million questions.
I couldn't help but feel such gratitude as I was answering them.
I've been quite fortunate in this life.
Never abused, never addicted to anything besides cupcakes.
I remember we laughed alot.
I showed her this list - off their very own website -
We went over them, one by one - and I told her how I had each and every one of them, except for the anger outbursts, and I felt that it was holding me back from my best life.
(You'll see on the list 'trouble with following through with promises and commitments - I can say that I am good with my promises, unless I just forget - which I do often, but it's not on purpose - but commitments - well, that's an issue. I plan way too much, and I'm excited about the plans when I make them, and then I lose interest, or just feel too busy, and 9 times out of 10, I wish I didn't have the plans when it comes time to act on the plans. Can I get an amen? I'm notorious for cancelling.)
|one of my favorite pics of Aaron : -)|
I told her how I live with a sense of frustration all the time, and constantly feel like an underachiever.
Did you spit your coffee out?
See - this is what I want to address girls.
Why in the sam hill - after getting up at 5am - being busy and productive until bedtime, would I possibly feel like I'd underachieved?
I tell myself - "Jayme girl - you accomplish a lot."
But then there's that voice that tells me 'coulda done more, shoulda done more.
I don't get it either.
And let me just say I don't feel like I have to 'prove anything' to anyone - and I don't feel driven to achieve in order to increase my self esteem or any such thing.
|no caption needed|
And then we talked about my OCD tendencies.
I for one think they are good.
Who doesn't like a tidy environment?
Martha Stewart HAS to be OCD, so I'm in good company.
She gave me an initial diagnosis of Adult ADHD and mild OCD.
We talked about anxiety - because he said that anxiety and ADHD are very close in their symptoms.
I told her how I'd read a lot on both topics, because I too thought that it was anxiety - but after reading - I don't think so. Anxiety is fearful thoughts. Uncontrollable fearful, foreboding thoughts, I don't have those, at all - in fact, it might behoove me if I did actually worry about the future a tad more than I do!
My plan is to have a few sessions of talk therapy.
I'd like to get some techniques that could help me go to bed at night with the thought of 'good job girl, you honored yourself, you spent your time wisely, and you are quite fabulous', instead of 'why didn't you do this, or that? Why didn't you push yourself harder when you worked out? Why, you should have gotten to that perennial bed on the east side of the house - there are no excuses!'
Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
I think what I want out of this journey is just some accountability.
I want to be aware of the behaviors and tendencies I have toward ADHD that interfere with my best life. I want to stop overbooking myself, I want to stop expecting so much from myself. I want to stop dreading plans I've made, I want to stop feeling like an underachiever. I want to stop working on eight projects at a time, and start finishing things fortheloveofGod.
|I have an incredible green bean recipe to share with you - soon!|
I see myself talking to the therapist once a month and saying 'ok - this worked - I kept a calendar - I didn't overbook myself - I honored my commitments to myself and others - I watched my thought processes, etc'. Or - 'ok that technique didn't work so good for me - what else ya got?'
Thank you for being a part of this journey with me!
I plan on sharing every little thing with y'all about this, I think it's important.
I hope that it might motivate you to choose to live your best life.
Please realize one thing today -
Your life is your choice.
You can choose to feel a victim of your thought processes, your cravings, etc. You can choose to feel tossed by the wind, out of control -
you can choose to grab life by the testicles and make it what you want it to be. You don't have to be overweight, out of shape, sad, overwhelmed, and living in a mess.
I don't know about you - but I'm grabbin' the balls baby.
I SO have the tendency to make plans with good intentions and then dread them when they come along. Gosh, now I think I need an appointment too. Combine all of the above with sensory issues and you have me.ReplyDelete
And I do not think you are crazy.
I over-book and over-commit. I need an appointment...my hands smell like balls. heheReplyDelete
I commend you so much for going. I recently, finally, made an appointment with a marriage counselor and luckily, my husband agreed to go with me. It's not easy for many (any?) of us to accept when we need a little assistance.ReplyDelete
But... can I grab the bull by the horns instead?
mama always said crazy is as crazy does.ReplyDelete
One woman's crazy is another woman's sane.
Girlfriend, you aren't crazy. A little quirky, but this is why we love you so.
Yes- but can you keep all those balls in the air at the same time?;>) Just askin'ReplyDelete
I loved this post, Jayme. Just when I think you can't get any more honest and real you post a little sucker like this. You are smarter than you will ever give yourself credit for being.
I hope you don't mind but I saved your garden picture to my private file of "dream gadens". sigh...soooo very gorgeous. xo Diana
Love the garden shot & the photo of Aaron, waiting for the green bean recipe (hopefully low-cal, cuz I'm meeting with a nutritionist on my own journey), and I'm crazy about your openness and honesty, I'll probably grow with you a bit along the way.ReplyDelete
Hey, I know I will. My brother periodically meets with a therapist and I ALWAYS get something out of his sessions!
I think when life gets to be too much, which for me can be daily, I'll reread this post and hang on!!! Thanks, Jayme, you are such an inspiration to us all!!!ReplyDelete
Hmmm, I didn't think a thing about it. ;) Sounds like pesky satan to me. He messes with our minds, especially women. =/ I think everyone deals differently. I just so happened to read this verse this morning and I think we can all apply it when we are having health issues (be it physical or mental.) 2 Chronicles 16:12 In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the LORD, but only from the physicians.ReplyDelete
I think I have the opposite issue...not doing anything. I have self diagnosed myself with laziness. =P
Good for you. I think of this often (just for me wanting to know "more about me"...figure out why I do what I do, why I am what I am and some days... WHO? I am.)ReplyDelete
It's true. Some of us have that underlying "thing" of and about mental health. I don't. I think it's healthy... and yet I've never gone.
I think that's funny taking photos of your feet. I'd have that same quandry conversation with myself if that were me.
Once again. you are truly an inspiration. ;)
Can I be you when I grow up? Your quest for constant growth is so darn inspiring. I wonder how many lives you touch without knowing it. I bet it would make your heart burst.ReplyDelete
Well, you gotta do what you gotta do. ;) Wouldn't want you to not be healthy. =D Your garden picture makes me very jealous and I can't wait for the green bean recipe. =DReplyDelete
Love your writing, keeping it close to the heart.ReplyDelete
You are brave.
Best post for me to read this week! Awesome Jayme! Keep them coming...you may keep me out of the nut house ;)ReplyDelete
Love the photo of the garden. Awesome job there Jayme! Can't wait to read about the next visit. I might need to think about a visit to a professional as well. Hugs.ReplyDelete
Guess what, lady. You ARE a therapist AND a gardener. Your sentence, and I quote: "I plan on sharing every little thing with y'all about this..." proves that you are out to help us all here. With a garden/home/chicken/Aaron post thrown in between this is a smorgasbord of health and goodness. You must understand that I feel the same feeling you described when you went into that doctor's office ~ Every Stinkin' Time I pop onto your blog. It's therapy, for chickensake.ReplyDelete
adult ADD/ADHD manifests itself much differently in women than it does w/ men!!! i was diagnosed almost 2 years ago and this book was a part of the "a-ha!" moment for me coming to terms with what was "wrong" with me. i don't know why this book (even a used copy) has become so darn expensive...but PLEASE don't let that stop you from purchasing it and reading it ASAP. my therapist recommended it to me and it was life-changing! and that is not an exaggeration!!! i am a new reader...love your blog...it has inspired me to be better with housekeeping and with what i put in my mouth. PLEASE read this book, you will LOVE it :)ReplyDelete
Love, love, love you Jayme!ReplyDelete
That is all! And thank you for being here and a part of my mature grown up life. So thankful that I found your blog a couple years ago!
PS I always double check for books at half.com and the last poster friend of yours shared a book she loved with you and us, well I found it stinking cheap here: xoxoxox to you!! ~Jill
I loved this post. . .ReplyDelete
Amazin. . . when you saw the sign "Mental Health" you thought of going back to the car, yet when we go to the ophthalmologist, or the podiatrist we walk right in, no problemo. . . but a psychologist. . whooooooa...dayum us! It is no wonder our brains have middle child, blacksheep of the family syndrome, we don't give it the attention and love that it needs, poor brain.
I'm excited for you, yet another journey thanks for taking us along. . .it's not about anything but wanting more out of life, I sew get that. . . for years when those emotions stir up, we fill it with chocolate cake, if we only had a therapist all along, we may have never had a weight issue. . .hmm
When we learn better, we do better.
you go girlie
I am so proud of you for taking this step towards making your life work the way you want! Never too late... I think I'm going to see a therapist and find out about a few things. Thank you for showing the way and sharing.ReplyDelete
This really is wonderful article ! I simply love’d it !ReplyDelete
Congrats on making a postive move to a healthy mind! It's a long row but so worthwhile. I am working on it too.ReplyDelete
That's a magazine worthy picture of your garden....fabulous!