Thursday, February 17, 2011

And You Think You Gots Problems

This might not be a good idea.
Kinda like walking in a blizzard.
I'm in my almost 3pm fog.
I feel like I'm getting sick, but I know it's just from dusting today.
The dust allergy that plagues me seems to be worsening.
I may have to live in a bubble soon.
A real bubble - unlike the mental and emotional bubble that I reside in now.
So, if you don't hear from me, that's where I've gone.
In a bubble.

So, I'm sitting here in my kitchen, at the island, watching the cursor blink, and I'm not sure how to start this.
You see - it's these 'real' blog posts that make me feel downright vulnerable.
Cause I know there are so many of you out there that have REAL problems.
Real ones, like cancer, and foreclosure, and divorce.
Due to the mental bubble I try to stay in - my problems tend to be more like 'gee, the Swiss chard doesn't look too good at the market today' and 'golly, there's an awful lot of chicken poop on the backporch'.
So, I apologize for my problems - but because they are my problems - they seem big.
And, in reality - they are.

Remember my quote by Ralph Marston - 'In every frustration, there is a seed of opportunity'.
I've decided to ACT on my frustrations.

Let's get down to it, I'm just gonna spill the beans.
There are three things driving me right up and batty of late.

The Boychild.

If you are a new reader to the blog - you might not understand the close relationship I've had with my nephew since birth.
It's like he's my own.

He has the nerve to grow up.
He has the nerve to make his own decisions.
Some of his decisions have caused me to lose sleep.
One day - and I'm not being dramatic - I couldn't speak.
I couldn't.
I couldn't utter a word.
For hours.
Me, Jayme - rendered speechless.
It's not like he's doing anything completely out of the ordinary.
I guess he's being a teenager - it's just that I have no reference point.
It's just that I've babysat the punk full time since he was 2 - and was completely in love.
For the last two years I homeschooled him - and honestly - they were the best two years of my life.
I adored our 'Lattes and Literature'.
Drinking caramel lattes in the dappled sun on the couch.
I loved our science experiments, and our 'Field Trip' days.
I loved how we laughed until we cried every single day, and had 'Opera Days' and 'British Accent Days', where you couldn't speak unless you sang it, or spoke in a British accent.
I miss teaching him how to cook.
I miss talking to him about the future, and telling him he can do anything he sets his mind to.
I miss the smell of pencils, and hearing my sister's car tires on the gravel driveway every morning at 7.
It's all gone.
It all happened so fast, his decision to go to High school.
I've gone from having him 60 hours a week to 6.
All in all it wouldn't be bad if he was doing what I wanted him to do.
Please re-read that sentence.
That's what it really boils down to.
I've had to block him on Facebook.
My heart can't take his updates.
I can't control him.
I can't ground him, or address his behaviors in a way that have consequences.
I can talk to him. 
And I do.
He spent the night last night like he does every Wednesday night, and as I was tucking him in, he grabbed me, kissed me and told me he loved being here.
I live for those moments.
When we are together, it's still fabulous.  He treats me with respect.  He won't swear around me, and still acts, for the most part, like the Aaron I knew.
I worry about the bad decisions he's making and how school is just a social event.
I just worry.
And I gave up worrying on Dec. 2nd, 2010.  I did.
My default setting is love.  I will love no matter what, no matter how hard, no matter when it seems pointless.
I choose love.
I will live in peace.
It's just been an emotional roller coaster.

The Fact That I Can't Visit All Your Blogs.

Are you rolling your eyes yet?
This has plagued me since I start getting comments.
I don't have the time to respond to them all, or make rounds to all your blogs.
It really bothers me.
I want to, I just haven't the time.
I can't stand the thought of hurting someone's feelings.
If I have ever appeared rude to you, please forgive, k?
I know I'm horrible at returning emails too-I am so working on that.
You do know you can add me as a Facebook friend?  Right?


Here we go again.
I'm at the breaking point with my health.
My blood pressure is up.  I've always taken great pride in my perfect blood pressure.  Serious pride.  "Well, I'm overweight, but my BP is spot on".  My feet are numb alot, and I'm scared to have my sugar checked.  I hurt all over, I feel old, and I'm shocked at how I actually look.  (after seeing the recent videos).
I challenge you to strip down and take a pic of you in your underwear.
You might want to tank up on Prozac first.

Without going into too much detail, or sounding too crazy - I'm just going to say a few things.
I've struggled with this all my life.
If you want the full story of my pain, you can read some posts under 'Weight Loss Journey'.  If you have struggled with your weight at all, you might want to read it.

I truly think that now that the dust has settled, and Aaron is in school, and for honest-to-pete the first time in my life since adolescence, I have a choice in how my time is spent - I'm addressing things that I was able to sweep under the carpet of 'I'm too busy to think about that'.

I think the reason I haven't had lasting weight loss success is that when I lost weight in the past I would think 'well that takes care of that'.
And I know all too well the constant care and tweaking my garden needs, and now, I see myself the same.
It's never going to be 'over' or 'done'.

  I can honestly tell you that I feel that it is a cancer in my soul.
It affects my whole life.
When I had a toothache - I went to the Dentist.
When I had the flu - I went to the Doctor.
When our septic system fell to pieces, we called experts.

I'm such a do-it-yourself kinda gal, that seeking help to 'lose weight' seemed absurd.
It's just willpower, right?  It's just calories in and calories out.
Really, if it were that simple, we wouldn't be so disgusted with ourselves, now would we?

It went against every 'pink' bone in my body to hire someone to help me with this - but now that I have - I can't tell you the hope and joy I'm feeling.
I can assure you that I'm going to succeed.
(no pressure there Jaym)

Meet my Coach:

I think I'm going to start calling him 'Coach Fantastic'.
I'll be telling you a lot more about the program I'm doing very soon.
In all the attempts to lose weight - and the temporary successes I've had, I can honestly say that it's not even that much about the weight right now.  It's more about the inside.
I'm going to shrink on the outside, and grow on the inside.
It's about being excellent.
It's about conquering the mental side of the fight.
The mental side that says 'I'm not good enough', 'I don't deserve'.
I want to be an excellent person.  I want to have integrity, and treat myself as well as I try to treat others.

I don't feel guilty anymore for seeking out professional help.
I don't.
It was a VERY difficult decision, cause it seemed to counteract the decision I made to be debt free by July 4th, 2011.
And then I thought - what good is being debt free if I'm dead?
For the price of the blood pressure medication I needed - I get this.
I get a Coach that helps me dig through my drivel to the real issues that haunt me.
I get a Coach that points me to the truth, sees what I really am, and is helping me to be that person.
He works with you on a much deeper level that talking about carbs and cardio.
It's an investment in myself. 
And I STILL plan on being out of debt by July 4th.

And the kicker?
I joined what he calls a "Transformation Bootcamp"
It lasts for six months.
Think Biggest Loser here.

If I 'win' - beating out 49 other gals in the program, I win.....


For reals!
And guess when the winner gets the money - July 4th. 
Pressure? ha!
There's no backing out now, no slacking.
I'm in.

So, you see, really - in retrospect, I haven't any problems.  I'm going to give Aaron room to grow up (you know - all that baloney about 'letting it go' mmmhmm) and I'm choosing peace.  I'm CHOOSING peace.  (He actually just called me whilst I was typing this, telling me he loved me and he wants to spend the night again since he's off school tomorrow!)

I'm officially and seriously addressing my weight issues.

Problems seem easier to handle when you are facing them.
I'm no quitter.

(I'm feeling confident that my hair will cooperate and tomorrow I'll post the first in the Bread Making Video Tutorials!)


  1. Oh friend- you are for reals. I love that. Your problems are a big deal. My problems are a big deal. I spent a while trying to say that my problems paled in comparison to someone else's and the fact is, they don't. Problems are problems and we have to overcome them just the same. I am right on the heels of your Aaron fiasco. My 13 year old boy is starting to twitch. Makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Some days I just sit around and make everybody mad. That's what I do. Good times! You are the coolest Cooper ever. I have to go add you to my Facebook.

  2. My boy will be 15 in April... one of the hardest things I've had to do in my entire life...... is letting him GROW UP.

    I think what you're doing for weight loss is awesome...... I am now on BP meds and I am only 15 lbs. overweight and a few years younger than you... ask me how hard it has been to lose these stupid 15 lbs. I am small bodied , so the DR. thinks this fifteen lbs. would make a difference. And still... I struggle to lose it.

    I'll be following along to see how you like having a trainer to kick butt. I hear it's the best motivation.

  3. Yeah for you!!! I'm sure we will all be cheering you on. And your hubba! Ha.

  4. I have twin teenage daughters that are in their first year of high school. Lord help me I would LOVE to let go a little (even a lot) but now is like the worst time to let go and the hardest time to hold on.
    Like Karen said - we will be following and supporting your weight loss efforts.

  5. Thank You for this post today.. I'm so with you in the weight department. I've been up and down my whole life and I'm really so tired of it so tired... It's the thorn in my side so to speak. It's my little black cloud that follows me everywhere I go. If I could have one thing I could fix and never have to worry about again it would be that. I've even actually put off buying any new clothes for 2 years now because I don't feel I'm deserving.. But anyway!!! Thank You for sharing.. I get encouragement from it


  6. Good for you!! although that trainer would scare the bejesus out of me :0 he looks like he means business!!!!

    K now how do we make these kids grow up slower, Im serious!!! we need to figure this out! my oldest is turning 18 in 2 months and I dont like it!!

  7. I love your truth and we all have problems.. They are real to us and therefore important. I pray for you and that Aaron child. Life is hard for a teenager. I remember trying to fit in and yet be yourself...confusing times.
    I totally feel you o the blog thing. All the comments mean so much to me yet I cannot let them take vast amounts of my time from what I really love, my family.
    I love reading your blog even if you never commented back, I would read. You are some of my best entertainment!

  8. Jaymers, you are for REAL...and so are your problems. So excited for the way you are taking charge to be an overcomer! LOVE it! And YOU

  9. It's our generation, we were hammered with guilt and expected to act a certain way. Ward and June Cleaver don't live here anymore, truth is they never did. He's yours forever Jayme, warts and all. Mine have warts too, so I'm just telling it like it is! I love my little stinkers and you love him so much your toenails hurt. So when you win the $10,000 prize in July, I'm hoping you'll fly all of us someplace sure and invite that hunka hunka trainer along too!

  10. Amen my friend!

    Many Blessings,

  11. Jayme, I'll be cheering you on! I have never told you thank you. Thank you for putting me on your blog roll. Being a new blogger and all, and really guessing what I should do next on my blog, I want you to know it made my day when I seen my name there for the first time. So thank you! It meant everything to me!!! I never think about commenting and receiving something back. I type out comments to you, and others because I feel like you get me, and also because you are just to darn funny at times.


  12. Oh one more thing. Tell trainer man I said hello. I think we meet once before in one of my dreams.
    ~G~more hugs

  13. YES, Jayme ...Joycee had a great idea! When you win the $10,000, you should organize a PINK CHICKEN RENDEZVOUS and let us all come celebrate with you!

    I had my very first EVER case of athlete's foot one year in Colorado. I was an adult and had an office job and thought "how can this be happening? This is the worst problem ever!" The very next morning, I slipped on some ice and sprained my other ankle. Now I had athlete's foot on the left and an air cast on the right and was walking with crutches. I remember remembering my thought the day before and laughing ...guess things really can go from bad to worse!

    You have worries because you have so much love for the people in your lives. You're human. That's a GOOD thing. Cut yourself some slack, okay?

  14. ...also, I know that you are going to win that "ten grand"! I just know it.

  15. I'm emailing. I'll be right there my friend!

  16. Jayme i know how hard it is to see those darn kids grow up! I have really struggled in the last year to deal with the fact my boys are grown men and don't really need mommy any more.Sigh. It is so hard I want to tell them how to live or they really shouldn't do that but I can't I have to let them be adults and klearn from their mistakes. Now I wish you much luck in your bootcamp I know you can do it! Tell your coach hello he is pretty hot! Traci

  17. ..and I'm going to start calling you Jayme Fantastic!

  18. You say your problems may not seem big but they are your problems so they are! You said it right!
    It's amazing that I could almost just copy this post and paste it into mine except for the 'BoyChild'! So I feel for ya! My husband & I are constantly battling weight now and it seems the older we get the more difficult it is to lose even one pound. Kudos to you for meeting the challenge head on! I look forward to hearing how you're doing and maybe get some pointers! I should that $10,000 would be an AWESOME motivator! I sincerely with you the best of luck!

  19. I loved what you wrote...

    I'm going to shrink on the outside, and grow on the inside.

    That's huge! Congrats on your new venture, somethin' tells me you're going to be a force to recon with!


  20. Jayme you are just so great! You write honestly and from the heart and that's what we all love about you! I'm praying that you succeed in every possible goal that you have set for yourself.

  21. I think I have a book by Coach Fantastic? I also did Body for Life for several years. I loved the discipline and the results... and I so need to revisit those feelings now :) Great post, Jayme. I'll seriously be rooting for you. My first step will be return to weight watchers next week. When my knee heals completely, I can add in the exercise, which I actually enjoy.. once begun. Enjoy your quality time with that wonderful nephew of yours tonight!! -Tammy

  22. Looking forward to following your journey and cheering you on!

    P.S. Can't wait for the bread tutorial video.

  23. Ok....seriously, you crack me up! I have had your same "problems"......weight is still a problem and I have come to accept it always will be!

    Now on the "Boychild"....been there, mine is now 29 yrs with a family of his own and I just keep telling him pay back is hell! You will get through him going from a boy to a man, but you will acquire extra gray hairs! Just wait.....they love coming back home after they have turned 21 and are considered adults, sharing with you all the things they did that you didn't know about!

  24. Aww, Jayme, what a precious post! I can identify with a lot of what you have said here. I will be praying for you... for peace which surpasses all understanding. :)

  25. I can't wait for the tutorial! If you are, by chance, taking requests, I would love to learn how you make your Chicago style pizza crust. Actually, how you make the whole pie...start to finish. How's that for demanding.
    p.s. Does Coach Fantastic know if you're going to be doing the garden walk this year? Cause I certainly don't.

  26. I totally GET ALL THREE points you wrote about. I understand..I sympathize...I am there! And, by the way, today was the day I posted about you in my dream...xxoo Diana

  27. There you go again Jayme...blazing trails for the rest of us. I so get all your points. Loving teenagers is one of lifes greatest challenges. Live on the side of grace and think before you speak. I wish I had when mine were that age. I'll be praying for you on your journey.

  28. This is the best! I loved it when you said, "What's good about being out of debt if i'm dead?"
    LOVED. You really are onto something, although your Coach looks a wee bit scary to me. I think he could beat me up. I think he could beat chuck norris up.
    I lie awake at night remembering email that I forgot to respond to, and my blog isn't as big as yours. After three followers it gets unmanageable. I've never felt neglected by you. I seriously don't even think to think that you should respond to my comments. I just comment because I want you to hear what I'm saying, know what I'm saying?
    I'm saying your great, and your on the fast track to being an excellent person, and your default mode is love! Is there any other way to live? I'm inspired by you.

  29. Well, being the parent of a perfect teenager I can't really relate. Seriously, I could barely even type that. I FEEL your pain. But somehow after 3 1/2 years of stress and insanity, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I pray for your light to come sooner. Good luck on your fitness journey girl. It's awful how it overshadows everything else in life when you aren't feeling your best!

  30. I admire you and how honest you are in your blog posts! Wishing you the very best of luck on your journey!!!

  31. Welcome to motherhood, whether you're his aunt or not he is like your son so you're going to feel the same pain and worry raising him.
    I don't really get the blog thing. If someone blogs about something that really speaks to your heart that day, comment. Otherwise, don't. Folks need to get over it if you don't comment. I hate the whole "promoting your bog" thing personally. I have a blog but it is for me. Stop feeling guilty.
    Yeah, I can TOTALLY relate to the weightloss struggle and not wanting to spend money on it. I haven't read it but you might want to pick up the book "Made to Crave." Sounds like it might help with the "inside."
    I'm glad you shared because I can relate to what you are saying about not feeling like you have real problems but you know the inner turmoil and it hurts. I think we can all relate as women. Keep sharing from the heart.
    I was afraid you weren't going to do the bread tutorial since you were working on losing weight. Glad you still are. ;)

  32. I'm not sure why but this is one of my favorite posts.(not that I like to see you in pain!) Hit home maybe? I admire how you can open up and lay it all out there. You are beautiful inside and out and thank you for making me realize I'm not alone in how I feel. That trainer though...never trust anyone whos biceps are bigger than their head!! Thoughts and prayers...

  33. Ok much I could say...just words.
    You are super fantastic, real, and wonderful....
    and I love you! your writing...wish you were my neighbor (we might drive each other crazy, I am sure)...but I am sure that I speak for many here, We love you....and it's ok if you never visit my blog again....I am still here checkin in on you every day! That's how life is....not always a balanced scale....and that's ok....really ok.


  34. From whence came that stunning photo of the BC??????

    I'm inspired by you, Jaymesymaymsy. You're gonna be RIIIIIICK!

    (OK, I meant to spell "Rich", obviously, but my hand twitched and I like "Rick" even better.)

  35. Oh Jamie,
    You will be so glad you are joining the bootcamp. I joined one and went faithfully for over a year. I didn't lose much weight because I didn't concentrate on food, but I felt SOOOOOO good. I can out-run my 20 something daughters, climb stairs endlessly and the best of all, I DON"T HURT WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING. How fantastic is that. I am 58 and feel like 38. Congrats on your very important health move.

  36. Wow, good for you Jayme! I thought I was a wild woman because I joined the gym and Weight Watchers, too-all in one month!
    I want to lose 20 lbs. and keep it off! I have to go to my husband's high school reunion in July and I want to look my best! Did I mention I work at a job (4 days a week)that has a French Chef who feeds us lunch? I had to make the choice that I will not eat lunch unless I bring it from home-big salad and some protein! Best of luck to you and I think that it is so great to have a trainer, you will succeed!

  37. There may be huge problems in the world, but yours are ALL yours and I totally understand that they ARE a big deal! Thanks for your honesty in this post. I feel ya, girlie.

    Can I say what is troubling me? Causing so much anxiety? I need my wisdom teeth pulled...they are starting to bother me. I am TERRIFIED to go to the dentist. If you can do it, I guess I can, right?? I love ya, keep at it. You are a strong (brave) person to start the weight loss journey too!

  38. Sometimes in order to give our children/nephews/kids room to grow, we first have go grow ourselves.

    Weight loss and living health is a matter of lifestyle choice. Just losing 20 pounds for me has been out of utter laziness. I think we all need to push away from our computers and go live in the real world a bit.

  39. There does come a time in the children's lives where you have to step back. My youngest son has a girlfriend now and I'm being very good and just staying out of it and not asking questions.
    Weight loss? Even us formerly skinny people finally have to face the music. Nothing easy about it. If the coach helps then good for you!


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