Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Coop Keeper Lingo

I'm home.
Coffee in hand.
Kitty cats and chicken birds.
It's all good.


I know y'all are waiting for some great fun stories from my road trip, but I'm sorry to report that I have none!  I didn't rip any gas hoses off the pumps, nor did have a sugar-free salt water taffy laxative incident as I have in the past.  It was a quiet trip.
I walked in the woods, went to a football game, ate pork, visited with my sister, went to the cemetery, drank coffee, knitted and slept like a fool.  I swam solo in my cousin's king size bed.  Sleeping in my shared full sized antique bed last night felt like trying to sleep on a tongue depressor in comparison.

The only photo I even took of my time in Missouri was of my cousin's table.  His house reflects his bachelorhood, and I feel the need to cozy things up a bit while I'm there.  And do laundry.  One of the first things I did when I got there was clean the kitchen table off and commence with the cozification.
I found a cute turkey statute in his office, the oil lamp was already there.  The walk in the woods produced some buck brush, and the Walmarts had a few gourds that I put in a basket that I made out of willow branches. 

Cozification complete.
Now I could relax.

I decided since there were no fun stories to share with you from this gallivant - I would share with you a few words in the Coop Keeper vocabulary pertaining to road trips.

Hell Run
A hell run is a long road trip that you try to make in half the time.  A hell run involves stopping only once every five or six hours, come hell or high water.  It involves trying to break your previous record of 4.5 hours to St. Louis, and your overall time of 9.4 hours to Monett, MO.  There is no tolerance for weak bladders or sky bugging.  Git and go. Constant calculations are made of the ETA during the trip based upon miles per hour driven, and miles left to drive.  Breaking the law is inevitable.  Side effects may include - road tongue, slight bladder leakage, dangerously low fuel and blood sugar levels.  Dehydration may occur.  Please talk to your physician before embarking on a hell run.

Sky Bugging
An impulsive decision to stop more than once during a hell run.  Passengers in the vehicle ofttimes like the looks of a souvenir shop on the road side, or a super convenience store that promises pecan logs.  Passengers may want to take a little too long in the gas station perusing treats.  None of this is allowed since we are in hell run mode.  Don't even mention 'walnut bowl'.  Don't.

Road Tongue
Road tongue is a condition of the mouth caused from eating nothing but gas station food for nine or more hours.  Symptoms include, but are not limited to: losing all sense of taste, a glue-like substance coating your tongue and an inability to smile.  God forbid that the driver on the hell run would stop at a food establishment to procure decent victuals for the hell run.  To do so would fall under the 'sky bugging' category, therefore, it's strictly prohibited.  Cheddar Chex Mix and salt water taffy are staples.  Gas station coffee is a leading cause of road tongue, and it's diuretic effect should be avoided at all costs.  Road tongue may or may not be relieved by drinking a 32 oz. fountain Dr. Pepper.  Timing of this drink is crucial since the only time your bladder is emptied is when the car needs a a fill up, and this only happens once during the hell run. 

Now, who'd like to go on a road trip with me?


  1. Wow! ummm, let me get back to you on that.

  2. We have many many pecan log convenience stores down here. How can you make a road trip without a proper pecan log?

  3. I love the sleeping on a tongue depressor comment! Absolutely hilarious. We sleep in a king size bed, but when we visited my brother he had a full. I don't know how you do that all the time! It felt just like you described...How funny. I need me some room to toss and turn ya know?

    Not sure about your road trip...but I am one of those that can go for a long time...but I do need me my coffee!

    So glad you had a nice time away, and that you are back, all snug and cozy like. Has it snowed yet? Heard it was getting cold!

    Love ya lady!

  4. You simply crack me up. You actually mean all this, we went somewhere, oh to shippy with a and Ta and you stopped at a gas station on the way, we finally ate there, felt like I might die, needed to eat so bad and when we finally reached home after hours later, we had to beg for those white castles, remember? I hear ya laughing over there. I would still go with ya again, I just know now to pack a really big lunch. Love ya, Ra

  5. No way on a road trip with you! You would have died with me on my trips back and forth to Maryland cause I make LOTS of stops. Although I did find that if I wore a depends that my bathroom urges decreased greatly! (Seriously, it works. Guess the bladder knows that it can go whenever it wants so it relaxes.)

  6. I'll get a catheter and then you come pick me up!!
    You are a riot! tongue depressor HA

  7. Actually Coop....It sounds like a couple of trips that i have captained behind the wheel. I love Speedway cappichino and ...hey...I loves me some Donut Gems.

  8. I'f I'm traveling down south I've gotta stop in at least one Stuckey's. I don't by anything, but it's like tradition! Down around TX, NM, and AZ they always have the best stops. They draw me in with signs like, "COME SEE THE THING!" Sometimes ya just gotta!

  9. Gosh, you make it seem so pleasant! I don't know if I would like you for a traveling companion but I do appreciate you explaining my husband's methods of getting from point A to point B! Glad you are home safe and sound, and kitty looks happy too!

  10. Yah, I'll pack lunch and snacks..then we can go....leavin' in 20 are we?

  11. I think I'll take the Greyhound Bus, thanks anyway for the offer.


  12. You are a riot girl. I know exactly what you mean by "HELL RUN" I have made one of those from Granby, Mo. (the town right next to Monett)(now I am farther south) to St Louis to see my family. 4.5 hrs. No potty breaks. Pedal to the Medal:)

  13. Sounds fun!
    I love how you just casually tossed in the "gourds in a basket I made from willow branches...." You made a basket. Just had some spare time, so you whipped up a basket. Like, doesn't everybody do that? Make a basket on a whim? You never cease to amaze, CK.

  14. Golly you can visit me anytime and spiff up my home! Lessee, I do have ah pee bucket anna huge carry bag I could fill with goodies (heaped) and could hand feed you rollos for that sugar level. Hot dang, now I'm all rived up for ah Hell Run!

  15. mwah-hahahahahahahhahahahhha...So THAT is what the 11 hour round trips to Jacksonville and back are called. All those times I was either picking up or dropping off my Marine out on the coast....
    a HELL RUN! Oh my. Now I know.
    Don't stop Don't stop Don't stop. ...Thirsty thirsty thirsty...Can't drink Can't drink Can't drink.. will have to do a potty stop in a dirty stall. gahhhhhhh. scan for highway patrol Smokeys...scan. scan scan... (yeah, I got a ticket on one of my trips..... DANG!) and the road mouth...oh yeah..... and don't forget the shutter eye...oh just for a second...just close them for ONE second....find yourself getting a butt-tickle on those little vibration lines on the side of the road...SHRIEK......pull over - get the stinkin' coffee...resign to using a potty somewhere....sigh....yeah....I'm a hearin' ya.!!
    Thank you dear bloggy sister...Now I know what to call those KILLER Road-Trips! You da WO-man....
    Hugs to you. You SO educate me...and edify me...and entertain me...and teach me to embrace all of life. HUGS HUGS to you. Welcome home. *** really made that basket?????

  16. "...and a basket I made out of willow branches..."

    What tha? Oh, you know, because we all just like to sit around and weave willow branch baskets in our free time.

    Please come cozy up my coop!

    Welcome home. You make me smile.
    Now toodles...I have to go find a sheep. There's a sweater I am hankerin' to knit.

  17. Well do you allow pee jars? LOL I have been on a couple of those hell trips.Everyone should experience them one time or another. Just another life experience to tuck under your belt. You are hilarious and I very much enjoy your blog! Glad you are home and enjoy the peacefulness of being home.

  18. Yikes. You betta stay home for awhile. I'm worried.....:)

  19. Throw in some Necco wafers and this sounds like every road trip with my husband.

  20. This was how we did EVERY trip when I was a kid. To do it any other way and I feel guilty. There is always the emergency Pit Stop for the person afflicted with TB (tiny bladder). You know the driver leaves it runnin' while the TB passenger runs in for a pit stop. I have timed it, it usually takes less than 5 minutes. 10 minutes total from decceleration to acceleration back on to desired route.

  21. I call hell runs trophy dashes. My hubby only knows this way. When its time to FILL the gas tank, its time to EMPTY the bladder. Of course my bladder needs emptied way more often but the darn car just does not stop easily......

  22. You must have a bladder the size of Texas! Wowza!

  23. As children we had to train our bladders to be the same size as the gas tank. No potty breaks allowed except when the car needed gas. Once made the trip from St. Petersburg, Fl to Lansing, MI in 16 hours before most expressways were complete.

  24. okay I am packin' my bags and getting ready to roll with you sister!!! Just for all the fun I would take one of these trips with you. Oh yeah and about that expression "hell or high water" I have heard since I was a kid wonder what the heck that really means? nancy settel

  25. Now Marty, did you really whip up a willow basket?

    I loved every tid and bit of this email, but me brain just cain't get passed the stick bowl.

    Were we Hell Runnin' to Springfield? I would have to say no, since someone (italics mine, in spirit) did the unthinkable and made me stop off at the Mickey D's. And it wasn't even the four-year old!


    PS - We all played Polly Pockets today and my doll was Jayme The Coop Keeper. She had a pet rooster almost as tall as sheself and she sang opera. She and Julie had them a slumber party, but only after "Little Boy" crashed it and "Beauty", the baby, fell off the balcony.

  26. I'm still stuck on the willow basket.

    And I'm in! I'll try to remember the lingo. But you'll have to put up with the remnants of my New Yawk Accent.

  27. Have made a few trips like that back in the day. Drove back from Ca. in a 24 ft. U haul all by myself in 91 and that was my last big one.

    You just threw a basket together?? That is hysterical but only you could do that. Hmmm..nothing to do today so I throw a basket together..that's wild!

    Thank you so much for the cherry muffins as they were wonderful. I apoligize for the drive through and that's how I felt. So rude on our part but I know only you would be so gracious and understand. Love ya so much and glad you're home safe. Now find a spot and get in it...winter is almost here.

  28. Jayme you just let me know anytime you want to go on a road trip I'll be there with you. In the past my road trips would fall under the description of your hell run; the only time I ever stop is to fill up with gas, go pee, and load up on my favorite road trip food, lays potato chips, good n' plenty, twizzlers and really bad coffee and lots of water. It's only on the way home that the hell run gets really interesting with sky bugging.
    Sounds like your visit with family was relaxing.

  29. Oh, dear Coop Keeper, I knew there was a reason I've been drawn to your blog, other than your fabulous chickens, great wit, and lovely new fancy red pot. It's the MO girl in ya! I've had STL blood a runnin through my veins from the day I arrived in this big world and good ole Carl Junction, MO--just down the road a spell from Monett--was home for many, many years!
    It's so nice to read about my home from someone else's point of view! Good thing you love MO as much as I do or I might of given ya a talkin to!!
    As far as your "hell run" goes, I once made it from the first Joplin exit on 44 all the way to the the Six Flags exit in 3 and a half hours. Non-stop, pedal to the medal, fingers crossed the whole way.
    Love your blog, can't wait to read about the escapades on your farm! And if you wanna do a MO love blog series, I'll be the first in line to read it!!!

  30. I'll go but ONLY if I can drive! Remember- I DRIVE...and everyone else RIDES at my house! Hugs- Diana

  31. LOL! Sounds like we made similar trips! Yeah, let me know the next time you take off… I'll just need to get so far as Springfield… or Branson… or Kirbyville… 'cept I take Honey Chex Mix… :)

  32. I GOTTA stop to pee every coupla hours, but I'm quick! I'm real good at peeing on the side of the road, behind the car door, ya don't even need to get off the highway....

  33. will you do my laundry too? Then it's a deal!

  34. I might not travel with you but Jim will. You are 2 peas in a pod!

  35. Are you still sitting around in your jammy pants?

  36. Oh my goodness~! The only time I do this kind of driving is when I go and visit my son in Illinois.. I'm excited to see the grandchildren...
    Other times, it's casual driving,, I have even stopped at the car wash and washed my car, just to get some exercise. or a park to walk.. FOund a wonderful hornets nest last fall and had to cut it out of the tree... It's hanging in my garage... Do you get road rage when you do this kind of driving? lol

  37. Ummm....are ALL your road trips "Hell Runs"? I'm actually more of a lollygagger unless I'm on a personal "hell run". In that case, I only purchase gas at the gas stations. I prepare and take my own food with me. Word of caution to those who try to pass me...I may swerve reaching for my vittles!

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  39. I so want you in the car with me the next time I am doing a hell run from Langley, BC to Calgary, AB... my friends actually made me stop at a hotel for the night! Ack!

  40. Just discovered your blog while blog hopping and I love it!
    ROFL, I live in Springfield, Missouri and got tickled about your "Hell Run"!
    Keep up the great work, I love the post of you wanting to hold the and GOD BLESS you for feeding the shelter animals...we have four dogs, one cat, and EIGHT rescued parrots at our five acres...I would have MORE if I could afford it!

    Hugs to you
    Linda Gilliam


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