Hangin' with my Homegirl Helen

People let me tell you 'bout my best friend,

she's a warm blooded chicken who'll love me til the end.

People let me tell you 'bout my best friend,

she's my one fowl, my cuddly girl, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

(from Courtship of Eddie's Father)

Helen is loving the house. Eating cornbread and veggies, scratch grain and mash, she's thinking she's died and gone to the big coop in the sky.

She 'hangs' with me. She fusses a little when I leave the room.

She might miss her friends, just a little.

After trying to keep her on papers, and the mess of all that, I decided to throw down and make a diaper. Go to YouTube and search 'chicken diaper'. The lady that shows you how to make a chicken diaper, makes me look as normal as the cashier at Piggly Wiggly, or the homeless lady pushing the Piggly Wiggly basket on Main Street...one or the other, you take your pick.

Helen's quite cocky in it.

Work it Helen.

Just like that.

Helen...Helen...HELEN!

Please don't watch Jerry Springer.

Ohhhhh...you were looking for Oprah.

Helen thinks she's on vacation, but she's really here for some rehabilitation.

Or as we like to call it 'Wii-habilitation'.

Here she is doing the advance step.

Shhhh...quiet. Now she is doing Lotus Focus.

She must remain perfectly still.

Ok...all joking aside. Here's the lowdown on the diaper.

IF you find yourself in a position where you've run out of your psych meds and you want a chicken in the house, you are going to need one of these.

I have a feeling Helen's inside days are numbered. She's getting much better.

I want to fatten her up a bit.

The diaper works great, but changing it.

Sweet mother....

I gagged.

I dry heaved.

I almost put her back in the coop.

Thanks to all of you wonderful people today for your awesome comments. Don't' forget to scroll down and read Aaron's review of PW's Onion Strings, and then scroll on down from that to read a reallllly long post about weight loss.

Goodnight!

Chicken Chat

How can I possibly thank you all for the wonderful comments yesterday!? I read them. Re-read them. Thought about them, and read them some more. You are all wonderful!

If you are still here today, reading this, after yesterdays hormonal roller coaster post, I thank you even more!

This morning when I went to the coop to let the girls out, Helen pulled me to the side.

As I was filling up the waterer, she said "Jayme, you've not been yourself lately, what's going on?"

Scarlett chimed in saying "You'd feel better if you'd do something with your hair".

Fifi offered me a cigarette.

That darn Fifi.

She'd better give up that nasty habit in the New Year.

"Ahh Helen, nothing, you wouldn't understand, it's human stuff", I said, trying to brush it off.

If there's anything I've learned about Helen, she's pretty tenacious when it comes to doling out advice, and I quickly realized she wasn't going to give up so easily.

"Human life isn't so different from life out here in the coop Jayme, it's all about survival and finding your place".

I looked down at that little bird and scooped her up. "Want some tea?"

She smiled.

You didn't think chickens could smile did you?

She opted for the green tea. I had a cup of Nutcracker Sweet.

"All right, spill it" she said, wasting no time getting to the heart of the matter.

"Well Helen, it's like this",

I started, going on and on, telling her how I was sick of consumerism, and 'stuff' and I just wanted to backpack out in the country, and live off the land and wash my clothes in a creek and stop all the noise in my head. I told her how I was sick of plastic and chemicals and waste and I wanted to live a simple, authentic life.

She sat silent for a few moments.

"See, I told you that you wouldn't understand Helen"

"Jayme, your all or nothing attitude is sabotaging you"

"Huh?"

"You are too intense. You need to seriously relax. How long has it been since you've had any sugar?"

"Well, I ended up having a couple of Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve", I sheepishly admitted.

"How did that make you feel?" she queried.

"Horribly guilty" I said.

"Why?" she asked.

"Well, cause I said I was never eating sugar again. I failed. Again. Why do I always do what I don't want to do?"

"Jayme, do you realize you could have thought 'wow, this cookie is delicious' and been proud of the fact that you've drastically cut back on your sugar consumption and left it at that?"

"Well, I..."

"Do you realize that you could feel good about all the little choices that you make on a daily basis that promotes a simple, authentic life? Do you realize how much you do already? You are just setting yourself up to fail with your rigidity. If you aren't enjoying the journey, then, what's the point, my dear?"

I sat and just looked at that little chicken for a moment.

"Want a muffin?" I smiled.

"Are they sugar-free?" she cackled.

We spent the better part of the morning, talking and laughing and drinking tea.

I took her back out to the coop. I apologized for the cold and told her spring was right around the corner.

As I was shutting the coop door, she stuck her wing in to stop me,

"I just want to remind you again...."

"Relax already".

God I love that chicken.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, and All Through the Coop....

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the coop,

not a chicken was stirring, except to go poop;

The stockings were hung by the roost box with care,

in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The chickens were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of mealyworms danced in their heads;

Glenco in his boxers, and I in my cap,

had just settled down for a long winters nap;

When out in the coop there rose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter;

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

tore open the shutters and threw up the sash;

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

gave a luster of midday to objects below;

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but a stinkin' raccoon and a whole lotta fear;

With my double barreled shot gun so lively and quick,

I thought for a moment, "I'm gonna be sick";

More rapid than eagles to the coop I came,

whistling and shouting and calling them by name;

Now Helen, Now Fifi, Now Scarlett , now Stubs, now Scooter,

now Pittypat, now Puffington and Plums!

To the top of the coop to the top of the wall!

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!

So up to the coop top and roost box they flew,

I stood there and pondered, 'Oh my, what to do';

And just as I put the gun to my eye,

I heard from that coon a soft little sigh;

"I've come to make peace and say that we're sorry,

since the attack this past summer, we've done nothing but worry";

"You see we've repented and make an oath to you,

to not harm your chickens...this we promise you."

I peered at the coon with my gun still half cocked, could this be true?

Oh my, what a shock;

When down from the roost box limped poor little Helen,

what she was up to ...there's just no tellin';

With her one good eye, she looked square at that coon,

and said "I forgive you, God bless you real soon";

In all my born days, I've seen nothing like this -

that dear little Helen gave the raccoon a sweet kiss;

Back to her roost pole she flew without haste,

and said 'True repentance is a sad thing to waste";

"Please tell all your readers this most important part -

Christ was born, so we all could have a fresh start";

For a moment we stood there in the soft glow of moonlight,

I marveled at Helen and said 'You're so right';

I bent over and patted the coons little head,

"Mr Coon" I said, without any dread;

"It's been quite a day, and a miraculous night,

coons visiting chickens without as much as one bite."

I heard him exclaim as he scampered out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Chicken Chili...or Chilly Chickens?

Here's a good example of 'Birds of a Feather Flocking Together'! My poor girls didn't know what to think of the cold.

It was a bit comical.

I've been terribly worried about them since the 'cold snap' we've had here in NW Indiana. I worry about their toes, and their sweet flappies.

Flappies is my word for wattles.

Aaron and I went out to give them some love and encouragement.

I wonder if Stubs feet ache more in this cold weather. I know my hips do.

And then there's Helen. Poor sweet humble Helen. I've noticed her limping more since it's gotten cold. Time for some Chicken Spa therapy.

We promptly brought her into the 'Poultry L'amore' Salon (also known as my kitchen)

Her one bad eye concerns me. It's been looking like this for a while.

I gave her lots of love and cuddling. Chickens love cuddling. It's true. Not many people know this fact, but then again, I am the Chicken Whisperer.

She loved every minute of her time inside, and drank lots of warm water. I begged Glenco to let me keep her in the house. Well, I begged him to let me keep them all in the house.

He said no.

Stinker.

I can't imagine why he wouldn't want ten fat hens in the house.

I mean, I've been living here for 20 years. What's ten more?

Rejuvenated by her spa experience, Helen lost no time in having a talk with Aaron about puberty, kindness and clean living. That bird doesn't have a selfish bone in her body.

Since I told you about my chilly chickens, I thought it appropriate to share a recipe for...

wait for it.....

wait for it....

Chicken Chili

My wit even surprises me. Seriously.

Here's the first of MANY healthy, absolutely delicious recipes.

The eating plan I'm following (I'll share more in the coming weeks) is a balanced program of protein and carbs, and relatively low fat.

This recipe is perfect.

High in fiber (just for you Joycee!), perfect ratio of carbs and protein, and loaded with FLAVOR.

What could be better than a bowl of this deliciousness on a cold, blustery day such as we've had here in NW Indiana?

Ok, well, hot fudge would be, but we're not goin' there.

Chicken Chili - Makes 6 servings

INGREDIENTS

• 1 tablespoon canola oil
• 1 1/2 cups chopped onion
• 2 4-ounce cans chopped green chiles
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/8-1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 3 15-ounce cans great northern beans, rinsed
• 4 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth
• 4 cups diced cooked skinless turkey, or chicken
• 2 tablespoons cider vinegar

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PREPARATION

1. Heat oil in a large pot or Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add onion; cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in chiles, oregano, cumin and cayenne. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 5 minutes. Stir in beans and broth; bring to a simmer. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 20 minutes. Add turkey (or chicken) and vinegar; cook for 5 minutes more. Serve.

NUTRITION

Per serving: 453 calories; 6 g fat (2 g sat, 2 g mono); 68 mg cholesterol; 44 g carbohydrates; 44 g protein; 9 g fiber; 213 mg sodium; 965 mg potassium.

Nutrition Bonus: Niacin (80% daily value), Fiber (45% dv), Vitamin C (30% dv), Iron (25% dv).

This recipe is from EatingWell.com. It's a wonderful website, chock full of healthy tasty recipes! If you'd like to, you can go HERE and print out the recipe.

Somebody Stop Me.....Here's Helen

Some of you may remember poor Helen. If you are a new reader, you might want to look in the June archives and read about little Helen. She's truly a miracle bird. A coon attacked her in the middle of the night, biting her head. I do think she may be blind in one eye.

Poor little Helen is on the bottom of the pecking order. Thankfully, she's not physically picked on, but psychologically, the other girls put her through the wringer. Do you think that just once, they could let her be the first one out of the coop, or the fourth for that matter? Absolutely not. The other girls have practically broken their necks to make sure that wouldn't happen!

Unlike Mrs. Puffington and Mother Plumtree, Helen isn't much of a stitcher. She finds it a foolish waste of time. She spends most of her days in reflection and prayer. Seems to be, after the coon attack, Helen's tasted a bit of the afterlife and she aims for everyone to 'know the way'. It also could have been the fact that I did take her in a grocery store when she was ailing, and well, I didn't want to tell you this, but I did go to the meat section. I tried to shield her one good eye from the bagged chickens there, but I think she saw them. I often hear her quoting Scriptures to the other girls. Just yesterday as they were breaking up their meeting, I heard her tell Stubs 'Consider the lilies of the fields...'. I don't know about you all, but to me, a sweet meditative chicken is hard to come by.

Helen has quite a ministry actually. Last night she ventured out to the prisons. She'd die if I told you this, but her sister is actually incarcerated. She won't tell me why. It couldn't be for anything too terrible, could it?

Helen told me that she had two conversions last night. She felt it a smashing success.

Pictured above is Harry 'The Black Spur' Australorp. He'd been wanted in these parts for years. He's a bad seed. Always looking for a fight, and one night he found one. It wasn't pretty. We don't talk of it here anymore. He's on death row. Scheduled for the deep fryer on August 30th. Helen feels she got to him just in time.

Kids these days. That's all I can say about this one. Natasha is in for a short stint due to a DUI, public indecency, and resisting arrest. Acts like she was raised in a barn. I know her parents and they are beside themselves. They gave her too much too soon if you ask me. She needs a good hard days work in the yard. If Helen can't talk some sense in her head, I don't hold out much hope for her.

Well dear readers.....you've still to meet five more hens. Are you up for it?? I'll be flying the coop for a few days. I'm leaving for Missouri this afternoon and will be back in town on Wednesday night. Tune back in for more silly stories....

A Blogging Bottleneck....

That is what I'm having. A bottleneck of blogging. It's not that I can't think of anything to write, it's that I'm thinking of TOO many things!!! Cooking, crafting, gardening, chickens, goofy things...I don't know where to stop or start.

I interrupt this blog to thank you readers that are here, and sticking with me while I learn how to do this. I'm not really a blogger, I just play one on the Internet.

I've never even introduced you to the new girls on the block. While Helen was recuperating, Anne (who has since been renamed to Fifi LaFew, because she seemed like a nervous French woman while she was alone....seriously, I imagined her in a beret, chain smoking and drinking strong coffee)...so Fifi, formerly known as Anne, needed company. I figured she was lonely. Chickens don't like to be alone. Soooooo....I got six more babies! Oh yes I did. Two Buff Orpingtons, two Black Australorps and two Rhode Island Reds. I'm in heaven. I've named one Mrs. Puffington, the others are still waiting on names. Wait...a moment of silence for our fallen fowl. Thankyouverymuch.

I never got to fully tell you about all my yard sale treasures. Those bowls? Oh yes. They are pink. And they are Pyrex. I got the set for $1.50. Don't hate, don't hate. I managed to get pictures of everything I bought that day, but did I post them? Of course not! The deal of the day that got away.....bless her heart, this lady kept me talking at her garage sale about her dead Chihuahua . I tried to be polite and look around even though there was nothing there to see. I have no idea why it MORTIFIES me to be perceived as rude. Where did that behavior come from? So I listened to her for a while talk about her little dog that was born half dead, and only managed to live for a couple of years all the while on shots and iv's or something. I'm sorry that I kept thinking "Lady, I'm sorry, but....there are deals to be had!'. Just keepin' it real here. Don't you know that the VERY next yard sale I get to, I witness a young man buying a TABLE FULL of antique cameras for $20. These are the cool cameras that Pottery Barn uses for decor. I can't even think about it now.....arrrgghhh.

I delivered the Strawberry Jam to the winner last night! Shorty was the winner and he was one happy camper. Of course I made him eat some right then and there for me. This is magical jam. It changed Shorty's life. He wins the jam, next day he gets a job. He was IN a jam, then WON some jam.....get it?

I guess I'll just spill the beans about Project D365NR. It stands for Dinner 365 days, No Repeats. We've been going for a week now. I'll be happy just to pass my four month record. There is no reason we can't make it this time! I'm determined! This was an Italian Potpie that I made. It was 'good'. Not type out the recipe blog worthy good. I'll let you know about those.

The family will be happy when I can get a better camera, and get good pictures right away so they can eat their food warm.

I had company stop by the Squirrel last week for a visit. This is the lovely Lisa. Love that girl. Haven't seen her in almost a year, and she up and tells me she's moving to Texas. She came by for some wine and long overdue conversation. She's talking to Donna on the other side of the Cramper, oh, about four feet away.....Don, I didn't post your pic, cause it wasn't too good of you. Oh ya, I got yer back baby.

This is a new little super cute girl I met this week. Her name is Dana and she works at Gardens on the Prairie in Lowell. I put her name on my Direct Deposit at work. All of my money will now go directly to her. She is helping me design my dream garden. I'll be blogging all the before and afters. I can't wait to see what we make together.

Sunday, we drove to the town of North Judson, Indiana. I publicly apologize to this town, because I've been badmouthing it since. But look, it does have a large ice cream cone sculpture, so it can't be all bad.

We took a ride on the historic Engine #765 for two hours through the countryside of Indiana. It pretty much looked like our backyard. It was fun though. I never realized what a lonesome sad sound those train whistles had when you are ON the train. I just imagined what it would have been like, years ago, on that train, leaving a loved one, sad, burning up, dressed in long black taffeta clothing. Good Lord it was stifling on that train. How DID the women do it back then??

Here's the keeper of the Coop Keeper. Glenco. :-)

I liked this old door for some reason.

Ye Olde Coop Keeper looking out the window. What is up with my hairdo?? This is right before I embarrassed the samhill out of myself on the train. All I can say is 'thankyoujesus' for open windows. I'd had a protein drink for breakfast. If you've not had one, you don't know about the gastric distress they can cause. Suffice it to say I probably could have powered the train. JUST before we got to the final destination, I just couldn't....I tried...I so couldn't...I was turning blue, and green....and well.....I waited until the whistle blew.............it was HORRID. I never put my head up again. No eye contact....let me off this train...................

What's that Helen? I shouldn't be telling such things on the Internet? I should go to bed now? Ohhhh...ok.

Night night.