Checking In...

Just wanted to quickly check in with you.

Thank you SO much for all of your well wishes.

I've been doing pretty good.  

I had no Effexor withdrawals for the last few days, but right now?  

My brain is loose and my ears are ringing loudly.  

I'm covered in the chills and I feel ill.

About 9 more weeks in the taper plan, and I'll be Effexor free.

I really can hardly wait.

I had my second pap yesterday and now we wait for the results.

Other than that - life marches on.

It's a drizzly, dreary day here in NW Indiana and I adore it.

The smell of rain is wafting through the house, and everything is in slow motion.

I'm totally giving myself the green light to just 'be'.

This too shall pass - and in the meantime, 

I'm savoring life like a hot Caramel Macchiato on a cold winter's day.

xo

STILL Smiling -

It continues.

Life - you win.

I broke a molar in half - or quarters.  It's hard to tell.

Tomorrow I see the dentist.

Which is ok - cause there's gas there, and for a few precious moments I'll be high as a kite.

Today, the Dr. called with the results of my pap smear.

Endometrial cells were found.

I have to go back and have another probing.

I must say - this last pap smear - done by my Nurse Practitioner - who I feel is like a friend to me - has made me a bit awkward feeling.

I feel like we got drunk and acted in appropriately.

I can't make eye contact.

She gave me a rectal exam.

She assured me today that endometrial cells usually do not mean cancer.

It's just - ugh - the biopsies and the ultrasounds.

Anyhow - the pap smear she gave me was so vigorous, I am surprised it wasn't lung cells instead of endometrial cells.

I'm sure it's nothing - I mean - it has to be nothing.

That's what we always say to ourselves, and yet - I find myself wistfully looking out the window thinking - 

What if?

What if it's me this time - not a friend of a friend, or a distant cousin, or the next door neighbor?

But - I'm sure it's nothing.

Here's a baby turkey to take our mind off such things...

Baby chicks for good measure.

: -)

I just wanted to say - that with all of this going on, and the Effexor withdrawal, I'm just not sure when I'm going to be back here - 

Summer is just flying by isn't it?

I want to go to the beach.

I want to hike.

I want to sleep in the camper and read books and eat blueberries.

I want to snap beans and watch chickens peck.

I want my ovaries to stop hurting and my brain to re-attach itself to the spinal cord.

(my brain feels loose from Effexor withdrawals.)

Until later my dear, dear friends...

Follow me on Facebook if you want - 

Jayme Dorsey

To be continued...

Welcome to the Institution

Ok.

An update.

Seriously?  I'm not sure what life is up to.

It's got a sense of humor -that's for sure.

It's been a summer of menopause, poison ivy, reactions from medications, withdrawal symptoms from Effexor, and urinary tract infections.

Now - in the last couple of days:

I was chasing a baby turkey, and found myself behind the garage where things are piled up a bit, and the grass is grown over and *boom* I stepped and immediately felt a spike going into my right foot instep.

Yep.  

A screw was in a board, I stepped on it, and ended up at Express care getting a tetanus shot.

My left arm is bruised and so sore I can barely move it from the shot.

I limped all weekend.

While I was there I found out my blood pressure was high - thanks to a side effect of Effexor.

I immediately came home and decided to wean off again - slowly.

I must get free of this!

Today - I finally stopped limping, but felt flu like symptoms from weaning off of Effexor, and nearly passed out in Yoga class.  No matter how slow I wean, it's hellacious.

I did my cleaning job, and slipped - cleaning the shower and fell HARD on to my right side.

I can barely move at the moment.

I think I fractured the middle toe on my right foot.

Tomorrow morning I'm committing myself - for my own safety.

I'm going to find an old asylum where they still do things like:

Bloodletting.

It can't hurt at this point.

Wheel me out in the sunshine for an hour a day.

Not quite sure what they are doing here - but I'm thinking if I were tied down in a tub with a nurse watching me - I couldn't hurt myself any further.

I told Glenco tonight that I'm in 'survival mode'. 

 I'm not expecting anything out of myself except the bare minimum.  

Chicken tending.

Bed making.

Dinner cooking.

Oh - and Lifestyle 180 (formerly known as BootCamp) starts tomorrow.

I may not survive it!

But ya know what?

I'm still smiling.

Mother Nature

Remember this ad?

You can't fool Mother Nature.

Ha.

Isn't it awful to think how we used to eat margarine thinking it was healthier than butter?

Oh man, I remember using it in Weight Watchers in the early 80's and feeling holier than thou!

Amazing.

Maya Angelou says 'When we know better, we do better'.

Real women eat butter.

Amen.

I've decided to stop fighting Mother Nature, and to go with the flow so to speak.

Yesterday, I had my routine pap - and the Dr. noticed how I was 'full of cysts' said she could feel how full I was just by the internal exam.  And that's all I have to say about that today.

Well, ok - one more thing.  What do you think a man would do if his testicles ached they way our ovaries do?

Mmmmmhmmmm....

I wanted to share a book with you that I've been reading - it's called

"Telling the Bees" by Peggy Hesketh.

I'm enraptured with this book - and I have yet to get to the end.  I almost can't wait.

I have a stacks of books to read - it's one of my favorite things to do - and yet - it's so hard for me to make the time to do it.

Last night, after it cooled enough to be tolerable out - I went out to the garden to read.

Within minutes, my two new little red hens jumped up on my lap - and into my hair....they sat with me the entire time I read.

I felt like the richest gal in the neighborhood.

:-)

It's the simple things y'all.

Till soon.

Today's Thoughts

I just wanted to pop in and update y'all - 

thank you so much for your concern, support and advice!

I've been taking the Effexor again, and well - all is well.  

Does this mean I need it, or does this mean that I was just going through a horrible withdrawal?

I think it was the withdrawal.

My thoughts?

Get off of it - see how I feel - I am literally going to take one tiny grain out the capsule daily - the second day two, the third three, etc...until finally in about 50 days I'm taking one minuscule grain, and then hopefully I'm done.  I've been feeling rather ambivalent of late, and I'm thinking that it's the Effexor.  I truly don't know what to do at this point. 

Glenco wants me off of it.  Aaron claims I was more fun off of it.  Many of my friends see a remarkable difference in me, saying I'm sitting still and being focused for the first time.

Other friends worry about the toxicity of chemicals, as I do too.

Anyhoo....

Let's talk about turkeys.

Behold the power of Playtex!  The chilled, wet, under the weather poult is fine.

However, something - not sure what did get one of the turkey babies.

And then there were three.

Picked up two - week old Rhode Island Reds at the feed store.  That was all that was left, and they just looked so lonely and homeless....

Finally processed the seven gallons of sour cherries we picked.

Made juice, cherry fruit roll ups, and jam.

Anyhow...this is my thought for the day.  Actually, there was a point to this post - but I did want to update you and thank you...

As I lie in bed the other night, in a sleepless, sweaty stupor - I began to think about a lot of things.

How profound things seem at 1:11am.

I began to think about rejection, fear, lack - all really fear based when you think of it.

I started to think - what if I lived completely free of these things.  How would I be different?

What if I decided I would live in abundant love, free from the fear of lack or rejection?

What if I didn't care if someone loved me or liked me?  Is it really any of my business what they think of me?

I say nay.

It was right then that I decided that I would love with everything I had - and not worry about it being returned in the same amount, or returned at all.

It was right there that I decided I'd wave and smile to everyone I meet - try to make eye contact and not give a hoot if I got a smile back.

It was right there on that Beautyrest mattress at 1:21 am on an average weekday morning - that I realized that I had nothing to fear - that God, life and the Universe itself was extravagantly, ridiculously, almost embarrassingly abundant.  

How dare I think, and yet worse talk and act differently.

This fact of abundance is played out daily in all of it's glory here on these few acres.

A dandelion.

One hen - giving me 300ish eggs a year.

The spewing of maple seeds every spring.

The rapid multiplication of bees in the hives.

One pumpkin, thrown on the compost pile.

It's a beautiful thing.

Til soon...

Things I Don't Talk About...

There are a few things I choose not to talk about on this here ole blog - 

Even though I talk about the birds and the bees all the time - 

I don't talk about:

Sex.

Religion.

Politics.

I'd actually rather go to the dentist and have my head drilled than to have a political discussion.

My dentist is awesome and there's nitrous oxide there.

What's not to love?

But I do talk about a lot of things.  

Don't I?

Life is so full - so many things go on around this ole place, there is no way to share it all.

So many 'bloggable' moments go by uncaptured.

Such is life.

I wanted to tell you what's going on with me - because those of you that know me for real - or here - know that I share my life pretty openly.  I think I was just born an open book. 

 My hope is always to help someone.

I've been in hell this week.

Hell, my friends.

A year ago, my doctor prescribed Effexor for me - 37.5mg.  It's the smallest dose they make.  I was pre-menopausal, hot flashing, and having some serious PMS.  My periods were extra painful, and when I went the Dr. - I told her - it's one or the other - the emotional stuff, or the pain stuff.  I could only deal with one - preferably none.

So - I started taking the Effexor.  I noticed an immediate benefit, and really felt good.

A year later - I want off the stuff.  I'm not entirely sure why - other than to say, I just don't want to take prescription drugs.  I don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body everyday.

I've been tapering off, cutting my dose down, and sisters - 

I can't even describe what I've been going through this week - but I'm a hot mess.  Today was the worst.

I've been crying on and off - my vision is off - I feel like my head is going to explode, my ears are under pressure,  I can't stand the slightest noise, I've been cross with Glenco, and my brain feels like electric shocks are going through it.  I also can't sleep to save my soul.

After diligent Googling, I've found this is quite normal, and that Effexor is considered one of the hardest medications to come off of.

Mercy.

I broke down and took a full dose today - because I just needed my life back right now.  I need to work in the yard, and clean the coops and cook, and well...just LIVE.  I will have to stop taking this when I have the time to get through it - perhaps this winter when there isn't any outside work, and I can make a big pot of soup, curl up and just get through it.

I just wanted you guys to know what was going on - and why I haven't been able to get a DeClutter email back out to you - or return emails in a timely fashion.

Please be warned about this drug.

I wish I had been.

There Was an Old Woman

There was an old woman who lived in a coop

She had so much to do, with nary time to poop.

More chickens than needed, and turkeys to boot - 

She blogged for her sanity, and has been told she's a hoot.

Picking up droppings and laying down straw -

when a baby gets sick -

she sticks it in her bra.

The end.

A Chance of a Lifetime

Many, probably most of you know about my weight struggles.

In the past years, I've openly shared my triumphs and failures.

If you are a new reader - you can click on 'weight loss' under labels and read all about it.

I've lost 130 lbs.

I've gained back 30.

I've lost 10.

I've gained 14.

I've lost 4.

:-)

You get my drift.

Honest to Pete - if if weren't for this guy, I would be 287 lbs again.

Gosh, what was it?  About two years ago now?  Three?  I honestly don't remember when I did the 'Bootcamp'.  20 weeks of intensive teaching, accountability and support for weight loss, and internal change.

I've kept the weight off - other than that 20ish pounds that I'm fighting with since Aaron left.

SO...

I'm doing the program again.

Yep.

I refuse to be a statistic and regain this weight - and I need a tune up of sorts - and I plan on getting this last 20lbs off for good.

For the first time ever - he's offering it starting in the summer.

July 24th.

You need to get on the early bird list so that you can get an email a day before it goes public to insure a spot.

This is the best part.

It's all new.

The website has been redesigned.

The program has been redesigned!

It's no longer called 'Bootcamp' - it's called Lifestyle 180.

It's not as 'hardcore'.  There are no fines for falling behind on goals, and there is no chance of being booted out if you aren't keeping up.

I've been coaching the last two - and I'm telling you - this is changing people's lives.  

It surely has changed mine.

My dear sister (Aaron's mom) is signing up!  I'm so excited.

Right now he's offering a 'taste' of the program - five days free - you'll get a short video every day for five days, and complete access to the website.

No obligation.

Lifestyle 101.

Also - if you sign up now for the Early Bird List - you'll also save $50 a month.

You know how I hate debt.  You know there are precious few things I would consider going into debt for-but this is one of them.

The program is affordable - and if you go through it - you'll find out it's worth ten times the cost.

Most people end up saving money at the end of the month - no more drive-thrus, junk food adds up!

If you have any questions or concerns at all - please, please email me.

jayme.goffin@yahoo.com

I'll even talk to you on the phone.

I believe in this program.  

I really do.

More Cell Phone Drivel

Ok, just one more post about this, and then I'll stop - for now.

I'm really glad I cut the cord.

Really glad.  

Yesterday seemed so peaceful to me.

I will admit that one time, while I was out with Aaron, and he was driving - I looked in my purse for my phone - I had this overwhelming urge to check email.  

: -)

I miss knowing what time it is...:-)

I need a watch now.

BUT.

Man, am I glad I did this.

I have an addictive personality.

I just do.

I'm all or nothing, go big or go home.

I think I'm addicted to gardening.

You think I jest.

I completely aware, or at least I try to be, that I have this tendency.

That's why, I think, for me - a smart phone was a bad idea.

Granted - it's a great tool.  So is a computer - so is a fork - and yet - so many times, we use these tools to our demise.

Aaron seemed glad that I got rid of the cellphone.  He's been emailing me - and we've promised to talk on the phone. 

I will miss sending him goofy pictures.

I'm just really, really, really done with the whole phone thing.  I think I'm going to start slapping them out of people's hands.

; -)

I've Become That Person

Isn't it funny how you do things that you swear you'll never do.

When I finally broke down and got a cellphone a couple of years ago, I swore I wouldn't be that person.

That person that is walking around chattering while picking out produce.

Texting in the checkout line.

Nope, not me.

I won't answer a call when I'm driving.

Or return a text message at a stop sign.

Nope.

Yep.

I've turned into that person.

It's been bugging me a lot lately that I've been so connected to the phone, and distracted with it.  

I've tried checking it in the am, turning it off, and leaving it be til noon.

It worked for a day or two.

I'm a hypocrite, because I can't stand when I see people doing the very thing that I've been doing.

The other day, I swear, this young woman walked right in front of my car at the grocery store parking lot while she was looking at her phone.

I seriously felt like giving her a little tap with my bumper.

Are you guys sick of everyone's heads in their phones?

I so don't want to be that person.

I also don't want to pay nearly $90 a month to do it!

This was the clincher.  

Now, y'all know I have ADHD.  I really don't know why they call it Attention Deficit.  I do not have a deficit of attention.  I have a problem with OVER attention.  I know everything that is going on.  I'm aware of every conversation around me, and the traffic, and the air conditioning running, and the fact that the label in my shirt is itching my neck.

 It's a problem of filtering things out, is what it is.

Glenco and I picked seven gallons of sour cherries, and when we were up in town, I stopped at JoAnn fabrics to get some cherry themed fabric to make little toppers on the jam jars.  I know.  Cute, right?  

SO...I'm on the phone pulling up some JoAnn coupons, we are in the fabric line, Glenco is talking to me, but I hear the cutting gal telling a customer that the store is closing.  I interrupt Glen and tell him 'omg, the store is closing', while I'm on the phone - 

He just looked at me.

Aaron - who is more mature than I am at times, yesterday scolded me for checking email while checking out at Target.

They are right.

When we got home, I took the scooter to the local cemetery.  It's an old, old cemetery a few miles from here in the woods.  I needed to be there.  There's an old cement bench that I sit on and think.

Could I discipline myself to leave the phone be?

Nope.

I've really tried. 

Could I just live without it?

I did fine without it before.

Sure, it's convenient.

Yes, it's expensive.

I spent about 15 minutes in the cemetery pondering this.

I came home and called T Mobile.

I no longer have a cell phone.

As of right now?

I like it.

My brain feels calmer.

IF and when I go back to a cell phone, it will be something with a few minutes and a 100 texts a month or something.  It will be cheap, and it will stay off unless it's an emergency.

I'm $90 a month richer, and my brain is a heck of a lot calmer.

Carry on.

Why I Iron My Kitchen Linens

A bit ago, I blogged about ironing my kitchen linens, and I know it freaked some of you out.

: 0)

Yes, I have a touch of OCD.

We all know that - and there is medication for that.

Got this adorable towel at Target - I kinda sorta collect dishtowels.  Again - medication available.  I however do not recommend these towels for drying dishes - they just smear the water around.  Not very absorbent!

There is a darned good reason that I iron my kitchen linens, and it's not cause I have more time on my now lovely manicured hands than I know what to do with.

I do it because ironed linens look better than ones that aren't.

I do it because it's an exercise in mindfulness.

I do it because if it weren't for my pillowcases and dishtowels, I wouldn't have any ironing.

I do it because it reminds me of my mom, and in some way, it keeps my mom's spirit alive.

Just the smell of ironing - and I'm 12 again - standing in front of the ironing board on cold Chicago morning, as she would iron my blouse for school. 

 She liked to iron them right before we put them on in the winter - how sweet is that?

Before

After - HUGE difference : -)

So for those ten minutes a week that I spent ironing, reminiscing, using the very ironing board that she used,  and keeping my mom alive - 

I'm in quite a happy place.

And girls - this just makes me happy every time I open the drawer to get a fresh towel...

Prosperity

An unretouched photo of some salad greens, and baby turkeys that I picked up yesterday.

God HisSelf is smiling on this little place.

It's in moments like these that I feel true soul prosperity.

Picking cherries, harvesting honey, picking still wet with dew greens, and hearing the peeps and cheeps of baby birds.

It's a lot of work - but it's a labor of love.

Have a beauty full day today.

Just a Bit of Monday Miscellany

I ate some really crappy food for the last two days - Taco Bell, a chicken salad sandwich on a croissant and some gelato to be exact.

Interestingly enough, my esophagus was filled with phlegm after I ate it.

Why did I do it?

I don't know.

Busy.

Tired.

Sometimes I like to just switch my brain off and eat what I think I want to eat, not what I should eat.

I always pay for it though.

And today - I'm paying.

I'm scattered. 

I'm tired.

I'm nauseated.

This post shall reflect that.

Random thoughts, in a random order, with random photos - and nothing will make sense.

You were warned.

Let's see...where should I begin?

I did something last week that I said that I'd never do - I bought me some fingernails.

My hands were looking so bad, so work worn, I just didn't feel much like a lady - so I bought these.

I'm embarrassed to tell you how much I'm loving them.

I hope they can hold up to the garden.

I just had this weird day last week where I felt completely sad.  Aaron had been here for three days, then he up and left - went back to Chicago - and last Wednesday the house just felt so quiet.  I'm sure some or most of my mood was hormonal, but I just thought 'screw it all'.  I couldn't pull one more weed.  I felt lonely and sad - and even though I had at least a half a dozen friends that I could have popped over and visited to soothe my loneliness, I just didn't want to.  I guess I just wanted to feel the loneliness.

I hopped in the Bug and went to town.  Treated myself to a Wendy's Summer Berry salad and some fingernails.  Visited the library.  Came home and laid low the rest of the day.

It passed.

Pulled about six gallons of honey off of the hives - with nary a sting.

Glenco has been busy bottling it up, and now the sign is back on the road and I need to remember to keep m'self dressed.

The honey is beautiful.

phot from last year

Went to Gurnee, IL this weekend for a Leanness Lifestyle picnic, seeing my Coach, David Greenwalt and many of the members of the club that I had the privilege of co-coaching.  AMAZING people.  Glen finally met the Coach - do I have one photo to share?  Nope.  Not yet.  I hope some of my friends will email me a few....

My thoughts on Pinterest lately.

Too much pressure - especially for the engaged, pregnant or new moms.

Seriously?  

All of these 'gender reveal' photos - engagement photos, new baby photos.

Entirely too much pressure to be clever, creative and unique.

I was the fourth child.

I think I have two baby photos.

Enough said.

Yesterday I went to the Lowell Garden Walk.

I really didn't take many pictures - just a couple of things I wanted to remember.

A cool variegated plant with yellow flowers - I'm a sucker for anything variegated...or purple and spiky.

A rose bush that I simply must have one day.

Please note how lovely my nails look in the photo.

Thank you.

There were a few things that impressed me - I was hard to impress yesterday.

Believe it or not - big bark chunks impressed me.  I've never liked the big bark chunks, but totally loved it in this application.

I was really impressed with Wayne Gruber's garden - the owner of Gardens on the Prairie.  He makes me swoon anyhow - there's just something about a man gardening.  It works for me.  : -)

And then.....there was this tree.

I'm sorry.

It's funny.

The end.