Neurotic French chain smoking chicken.
One of two survivors from The Great Raccoon Attack of 2009.
Still suffering from Post Traumatic Syndrome.
Calmed by the hormones of hankerin' for babies.
She's been broody.
Yesterday I had the sad task of giving her the news.
"Ain't gone be no babies Miss Fifi."
She's still sitting.
Aching for motherhood.
I'm thinking of shaping ice into the shape of an egg and let her sit on that.
Might cure what ails her.
Might cure what ails me.
It's hard to see her want something so badly, and she can't have it.
At least for now.
I've tried telling her in God's time it will happen.
I candled all of her eggs yesterday.
She was trying to sit on 11.
I really had no idea what I was doing, as I've never done it before.
I was in the bathroom, shades drawn, lights out.
iPod touch in one hand Googling 'candling eggs',
reading lamp and cardboard in the other hand.
I felt a tremendous responsibility to 'read' these eggs right.
Life or death, baby.
In my hands.
As the light flooded the eggs, they were transparent.
It didn't appear that anything was 'growing' in them.
My heart broke for Fifi.
I thought about this a lot yesterday afternoon.
My prayer lately has been that I would be transparent.
That if a light was placed on my heart, that it would shine through.
There would be no 'spots' of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, or other infections of the soul.
Then I began to think of it on the other side of the coin.
An empty egg.
Nothing growing on the inside.
I so hope that I'm not that.
I know I've let many a dream die.
I didn't sit on them long enough.
I wasn't persistent enough.
I've felt a bit dark and twisty the last couple of days.
I know this 'Change' that is taking place is really starting to take hold of my heart.
Sometimes it's not comfortable.
It's hard to let go of control.
For the fleeting moments I have let go, it's bliss.
Right now I'm living in the bliss bits between the hard parts.
Like a partly cloudy day.
Miss Fifi will hatch a batch, of that I'm sure.
I will be a 'good egg' and hatch dreams and schemes, all the while being transparent.
Of that I'm sure.