Sunday, August 8, 2010

Dark and Twisty - Lessons from a Bird

Fifi LeFew.
Neurotic French chain smoking chicken.
One of two survivors from The Great Raccoon Attack of 2009.
Still suffering from Post Traumatic Syndrome.
Calmed by the hormones of hankerin' for babies.
She's been broody.
25 days.

Yesterday I had the sad task of giving her the news.
"Ain't gone be no babies Miss Fifi."

She's still sitting.
Aching for motherhood.

I'm thinking of shaping ice into the shape of an egg and let her sit on that.
Might cure what ails her.
Might cure what ails me.
It's hard to see her want something so badly, and she can't have it.
At least for now.

I've tried telling her in God's time it will happen.

I candled all of her eggs yesterday.
She was trying to sit on 11.

I really had no idea what I was doing, as I've never done it before.
I was in the bathroom, shades drawn, lights out.
iPod touch in one hand Googling 'candling eggs',
reading lamp and cardboard in the other hand.

I felt a tremendous responsibility to 'read' these eggs right.
Life or death, baby.
In my hands.

As the light flooded the eggs, they were transparent.
It didn't appear that anything was 'growing' in them.

My heart broke for Fifi.

I thought about this a lot yesterday afternoon.
My prayer lately has been that I would be transparent.
That if a light was placed on my heart, that it would shine through.
There would be no 'spots' of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, or other infections of the soul.

Then I began to think of it on the other side of the coin.
An empty egg.
Nothing growing on the inside.
I so hope that I'm not that.
I know I've let many a dream die.
I didn't sit on them long enough.
I wasn't persistent enough.

I've felt a bit dark and twisty the last couple of days.
I know this 'Change' that is taking place is really starting to take hold of my heart.
Sometimes it's not comfortable.
It's hard to let go of control.
It's hard.
For the fleeting moments I have let go, it's bliss.
Right now I'm living in the bliss bits between the hard parts.
Like a partly cloudy day.

Miss Fifi will hatch a batch, of that I'm sure.
I will be a 'good egg' and hatch dreams and schemes, all the while being transparent.
Of that I'm sure.


  1. Well that was a bit sad. Not like what I've read of you. I hope tomorrow is better. Sit on those dreams, girl. Pick the one that candles right, and sit sit sit.

  2. That was beautiful. And quite an observation. Its amazing to be in the middle of a change in life and watch all those thoughts take hold.

  3. That was a little sad :( We had a hen that was laying on eggs for about 30 days and nothing... we had to break the news to her and she when crazy. She had to watch the other hens become mothers. Poor girl!

  4. Poor, Miss Fifi... so sad. I WOULD suggest running to the feed store and grabbing a handful of new chicks and stick the under her, but one more fowl around your place might make Glenco flee the coop!

    Hang in there, Jayme. Storms never last and the sun always comes out again :-)

  5. Jayme, these words are just lovely! I think I know just how you feel. I'm so sorry for Miss Fifi, to want to mother so badly, and not be able to supply the chicks. Perhaps a surrogate???

  6. I'd been wondering about Fifi....

    You are about as transparent as the get. I'm praying for you as you embrace the hard bits. You're a good egg....the best.

  7. There, there, sweet Fifi. Patience my lady bird. *heavy sigh*

  8. Poor Mademoiselle Fifi. I was hoping she would have a little chick we could name Coco Chanel. She would be very artsy and dramatic. Longing for a life in the city. None of the other chickens would ever understand her.

    Empty? You're more full of it than anyone I know!
    How's that for a compliment?

    I am of course referring to moxie, gusto, life!

    Your Friend,

  9. wow, amazing and powerful words. we all have struggles and hard times in life...even those sweet chickens.


  10. One thing that is for sure, girlfriend, you nailed it right on the head when you said that when change starts taking hold in our hearts that it isn't comfortable...and that it is hard to let go of control! That's why it is doesn't come naturally to us to let go of control. Little by little, God helps us along, though. Love ya and am praying for you through this change.

  11. Oh Jayme....sometimes "not comfortable" is a really good thing. "Control" feels really good, but it's not good FOR us. Just sayin'.

    And you, my friend, are about as transparent as they come.

  12. beautiful post, Jayme. yes, cling to the blissful bits, yes! letting go of control is rough...because we are so afraid! But when we do actually let go, we are SO HAPPY and think, "what in the world was I so afraid of?!!"
    love your your watching your journey :)

  13. What a beautiful post, Jayme... Sad and poignant yet ripe with hope and love. xoxo

  14. Jayme- A very touching post from a girl that loves humor. I started reading your blog because you are funny. I am fuuny too (well..most of the time they say). I also understand that under that funny is a deep, caring soul that uses humor to get through life. I do...and I think you do too. I know how hard it is to let those thoughts "out" into the world...because, after all, we are the funny ones...the ones that always pick others up...and it is uncomfortable to FEEL something besides and show anything besides our outer happy selves. I know you-because I know me. Hang in there, my new friend. You have a beautiful, deep soul and I am so glad that you shared a bit of that here. That takes a lot of courage..maybe more than I would have... Diana

  15. Isnt it awful to watch the babies want babies so badly? Our cochin Fancy has been broody for weeks. I couldnt break her of it. So, i gave in yesterday and put 9 eggs under her to see what happens. She gets broody so often.

  16. Bless your heart, you're a wise old bird!

  17. Jayme, I loved your post. It hit home and I know... The reason I love your blog so much is beside laughing at/with you, it is wonderful you are able to share bits of your life/hopes/dreams that didn't quite go the way you had wanted. I seem to keep it all down deep; am afraid to share anything;i'm such a private person it is hard for me. So, I hold it all in. T.S.Elliot said,"and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time." That is what I am waiting for. (From LITTLE GIDDING by T.S.Elliot).

  18. You are amazing, girl! Hang in there and things will get better again...that's what I keep telling myself. It'll happen in due time.

  19. Dear Jayme,
    I often read your blog to stay sane - no, really. I am exactly your age and I believe that we are just experiencing the changing seasons of life. We feel them more keenly at this age. We are not young, but we are not old yet, either. What should we do with the time we have left? We are poised somewhere in the middle, enough time has gone by to give us some regrets, yet enough is remaining to re-write and perhaps realize some dreams. I am there with you! My last child will go off to college in ten days and I will be "aimless" for the first time in 27 years! It is very scary. It is very much like a "partly cloudy day" and I hope to see the full sun, soon. I live in Florida after all! Godspeed, my dear girl, godspeed!

  20. Your comment "there are some dreams not sat on long enough..." had me thinking. Dreams are generally fueled by passions. So if we don't sit on them long enough, if they don't hold our attention long enough....maybe they were fleeting thoughts and not truly our dreams after all. Maybe those 'passing dreams' are really the thoughts that lead us to new dreams that will be fueled by new passions...ones that stay with us; ones that help us grow into whoever it is we're meant to ultimately be. From your blogging, it is easy to tell that you are a deep thinker and that you want purpose and beauty in all that you do. This stage of uneasiness that you're in will bring you to reach out for some new experience you weren't ready for before, and dreams will begin.

    Love your blog! You have inspired me on endless mornings and made me laugh on countless days.

    Have a good week :)

  21. Isn't that LIFE, wanting what we can't have. Tell her to look around, enjoy the moment and be happy for who she independant chick who has survived in a world filled with racoons and other dangers. She is WOMAN, hear her roar!

  22. Awww, this was sad. I love that you ended it on an upbeat note. Hang in there Fifi + Jayme!

  23. Your posts are always great, laughs or no laughs. You first hooked me when describing rough spots w/ Aaron. I know you n FiFi will both hatch out your dreams! God Bless you girls!
    (BTW - I had to give my broody Barred Rock a clutch of guinea eggs to break her broodiness. Nothing else would work - no rooster! Now the young guineas think they are chickens!)

  24. Sad. Sorry this happened to you and Fifi. Maybe she will become a babysitter for the other chicks. I break my broody hens from sitting, buy locking them out in the chicken pen during the day and night, with lots of food and water, but no nest and they can't get back in the coop. It takes a few days of the hen stomping around in the pen clucking like mad, but then her hormones change and she not broody.

  25. Aw man. I feel Miss Fifi. You know I do. I feel you, too, sister Aibileen. Your heart shines so bright through your words and I still pinch myself for the fact that I been up in yo face, up in yo place. Lucky, is what I am. Lucky for you.


Thanks so much for leaving a comment!