 |
| Old abandoned homes remain one of my favorite things. |
The lights are on - but ain't nobody home.
I bet that's what y'all have been thinkin' up around here.
I'm home.
Sort of.
I have the shingles. True story. Found out Wednesday - caught them SUPER early, so I think I may live.
: -)
Last night a big hunk of an upper molar fell off.
I'm starting to wonder if I should just put myself into a medically induced coma until next year to avoid anymore ailments.
I know in my knower that there is a lesson to be learned in all of this.
What it is - well, I think it's just coming to light.
You know - I've just been restless since Aaron left a year ago. I find my days lacking purpose at times, and I'm just not ok with that. I'm not ok with spending myself on myself.
I've become a whiney blogger, and that's not ok either, so I refrain from blogging.
SO many people are going through much rougher stuff than my little summer of discomfort.
And therein I believe lies most of my problem. I can't seem to stand discomfort. I eat over it, I shop over it, I 'get busy' over it. I look for a job to quiet it. I don't sit with it and let it teach me it's lesson.
And therefore, I never learn the lesson, or hear it's voice of wisdom.
Rinse and repeat sisters.
I know that I still compare myself to other people too much and all the wonderful things that they are doing and making and achieving, and I'm all like 'should I throw out this old blue paint?' as I work on decluttering this old place, or wonder if I should make the Chicken Tikka Masala or the Pakistani Kima for dinner.
I feel half hearted about everything.
I think I'm just tired, and that's ok. It's ok to let life pass on sometimes while you just watch. It's ok to watch all of your friends doing things that you've always wanted to do - going fabulous places while you sit - laughing, when you feel like smirking.
It's ok.
Life ain't no race, and if it is - I never got a bib number.
:-)
So for now, I'm going to sit with that discomfort, and hear what it has to say.
I so hope it tells me to have some cheesecake.
Or bacon.
Amen.
'Ain't' no sin in eatin' cheesecake & bacon. I probably wouldn't eat it at the same setting....but then again...there are no laws against it. I can't imagine YOU doing it..even putting a bacon strip in your mouth seems something you won't do any more. You've come a mighty long way Jayme...you have a ton more willpower than I ever will. And sitting, laughing and just watching life go by sometimes is a wonderful gift that too many don't ever open! I do that almost daily...at least the first 2 hrs. whilst I'm sipping coffee and not feeling one bit guilty about that either. What are we doing that will last all of eternity...that's my question to self. But you know what?? I believe it's not the fancy meals or the world wide travels, the finishing of the marathons or losing of the same 200 lbs. numerous times in my life...but rather, making a meal that my hubby adores, pulling the weeds from my garden, making the budget balance, calling a friend and offering encouragement or maybe even just an ear...those things seem to me to be most important. I've had to say no to my friends and activities, not b/c they aren't good in and of themselves, but to "protect" my heart. I don't want it drifting too far from my my home...and from my Lord. Love you friend. It's a season of rest for you. I promise you will be busy again.
ReplyDeleteLook at you. You have already learned compassion and understanding for those who suffer and can't "achieve" as much. Maybe you can sympathize with those who struggle paying medical bills. God loves you for who you are as his child not for what you do. Now is a season to still find joy and grace but now in the smaller things, the quieter things. Appreciate every little bit of good. Now you have time to read George MacDonald my favorite author. He changed my life, Jamie. He says God is always doing the best he can for us. He wrote many good novels. Now that my physical health has declined I sometimes look back longingly at all I used to be able to do. But I am at peace now because I know he loves me completely the way I am and He only requires of me what I can do. I am grateful for what I can do. I used to get a "high' from antiqueing and thrifting. Now I can't justify the time or money but I don't need one more thing! My knees are about shot. I can't dance much but I can still go on half hour walks! This season of drawing closer to God will prepare you for the next season, whatever that may be. You wrote a good, thoughtful post. Beth K.
ReplyDeleteOh my...that is exactly how I feel lately! Never measuring up...not quite enough. AND I broke a tooth about three weeks ago, got a crown and it is still horribly sensitive. Right now my life feels like a garden full of weeds...I hear your pain!
ReplyDeleteI think that sometimes we just need to "make it through". Some things must simply be endured. I don't know that it makes one stronger but it often feels like it might. I also don't think there is always an answer or a clear path. Have an apple and a nice piece of really dark chocolate. You know you really will be annoyed with yourself if you eat cheesecake...(though as a Paleo person I would definitely grab me some bacon!) Peace and Light, Suzan
ReplyDeleteSomeday, once you are over all of this, YOU will be prepared to comfort someone else who is suffering because you have been there.
ReplyDeleteIt is a great thing to be able to comfort others and so much more when you have the knowledge because you yourself have gone through it. From reading your blog and your Facebook posts I have heard the voice of someone who has the compassion deep inside to help others. Consider all you did to help Aaron. And how you have reached out to others with your posts and I'm sure you have encourage others face to face also about eating healthy and exercising. I for one admire all of that in you. I also believe that everything we go through in life is meant for some other reason than to make us miserable. Consider during this time while you are down, how you will use this to be of help to others. In no time you will be all about being busy again and may not have the time to reflect on who will come into your life that will need encouragement that only you can give. In the meantime, I will say a prayer that the shingles will end quickly so you are not in so much pain.
you know, Jayme...it is what it is... so, go enjoy a piece of cheesecake and while you're at it..a glass of healthy red wine. life will balance itself out. sit back and enjoy the ride. it all is good.
ReplyDeleteJayme, this too shall pass...
ReplyDeleteBrenda
Menopause will teach you many things...and it takes a couple of years and a couple of trys to still "be perfect and all I can do" and then you will find the peace of "gee...this is not so bad"...the sooner the better.
ReplyDeleteI have had long moments like that in my life., too, Jayme. It is what it is and you can't change IT you can only change the way to react to it. Don't reach for the cheesecake-you know that is a slippery road. Reach for the bubble in life instead...you can do this- xo Diana
ReplyDeleteGirl... hang in there! Just all and all sometimes being a woman sucks, we are over emotional and super sensitive!! But on the other hand I feel we experience more joy being that way!! Things that need to be done or tended to will still be there tomorrow or even next week... right now you just need to focus on JAYME... I know sometimes that is hard to do! look at Aaron, look how far he has gotten all because of your love and devotion for that boy, if that isn't an accomplishment for your heart and mind!!! Think positive girl... I have had many a bad days, and if it wasn't for reading your blog and laughing my @as off, wishing I was you, or perhaps a friend or close neighbor. You have carried me through many rough spots!! Thank you for being you, I wish I lived closer to you.... what fun we could have. PS my husband says you and I could be long lost sisters or twins... we enjoy so much of the same things... but I would diffently be the "fat" one!! LOL! tanyarenaemiller@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteGirl... hang in there! Just all and all sometimes being a woman sucks, we are over emotional and super sensitive!! But on the other hand I feel we experience more joy being that way!! Things that need to be done or tended to will still be there tomorrow or even next week... right now you just need to focus on JAYME... I know sometimes that is hard to do! look at Aaron, look how far he has gotten all because of your love and devotion for that boy, if that isn't an accomplishment for your heart and mind!!! Think positive girl... I have had many a bad days, and if it wasn't for reading your blog and laughing my @as off, wishing I was you, or perhaps a friend or close neighbor. You have carried me through many rough spots!! Thank you for being you, I wish I lived closer to you.... what fun we could have. PS my husband says you and I could be long lost sisters or twins... we enjoy so much of the same things... but I would diffently be the "fat" one!! LOL! tanyarenaemiller@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteHow is it that peeps have been having chicken pox for a long time and NOW theres commercials saying you may have shingles and NOW people are getting shingles?!? What the @#% is goin on? Does anyone else think thats just strange or is it just me? Anyway, hope you feel better and things turn around for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you had the chicken tikka masala. :)
ReplyDeletewith all your other stuff, the body wants to go into 'winter' mode, too. Yesterday, I was obsessing over an apple fritter. Why I 'needed' an apple fritter, I'll never know, but I ate it....because you know.....pfft. :)
Enjoy your cheesecake!
ReplyDeletejan
Jayme, like the others I'm happy to see a new post from you. I understand the ease of not posting during stressful times all too well. I, too, have shingles. Mine were brought on by the stress surrounding my husbands death last month. He fought a two year battle with cancer. I think maybe you and I are sitting in the same place, Jayme, we have lost our way a little bit. Menopause and Aaron's leaving have rocked your boat. This will pass, I promise. Things change but life goes on, different, not worse. I've admired your determination and great big heart for several years. Your weight loss and healthy life style are goals I strive to reach. You will get through this patch. I'm taking time to be still and let my heart heal. However long it takes. I have no demands on my time for the first time since childhood and I am attempting to listen to what my heart, my body and God are saying to me. Be easy on yourself, Lady, you are special.
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't gone through bad times, loss or discontent then you are not human. It is all to teach us and what does not kill us makes us stronger. You are being honed for greater things if they are just to make people laugh on this blog. You could write a book, go on a book tour and make so many happy. I don't know why some think they are not doing if they are not doing "great' things. Be the greatest around those you love. If you only knew how you help others through you blog, you would not be so down on yourself. You are loved out here for who you are, not what you do.
ReplyDeleteOh Jayme I hope we both feel better soon. I keep on hanging in there but geesh. Shall I list my complaints? You said yes didn't you? Depression over my MIL passing and my hometown being smacked with a terrible tornado, bitten by a part pit bull in my face, benign positional vertigo (terrible, terrible dizziness, like can NOT stand up dizziness) a pulled ham string ( the kind where you can NOT walk) back pain and now to round it all out a pain on my right side under my ribs that won't let me fully breathe. I'm thinkin gall bladder trouble???? I'm still hanging in there and just wondering what is next. I so love your blogs and your spirit. Just know I am rootin for you girl. Peg in Decatur
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how we all think everyone else's life and circumstances is better. We all want to be you and you think everyone else leads a better life. What a mixed up world!!! Don't eat the cheesecake and bacon-you don't want to start down that road again after what you have accomplished. I think we all are in a nesting mode. Sit a spell and enjoy all the beauty of fall around you. I have learned that nobody can make me happy but me.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you , Jamie, that I know exactly where you are coming from........last few years have been tough, I've had shingles, then fell and hit my head, going for my third surgery in two weeks.....my mom just passed away, and today I dropped a desk on my foot and I think I broke it.
ReplyDeleteHoly Mother of God. I feel like I'm under a big cloud.
Honestly, I only can do one day at a time, and I refuse to look any farther ahead than that.
It is all that works for me.
I also am inspired by Vicky over at thewestraworld.blogspot.com and every time I think to bitch
about my lot in life, I think of her, and I shut my big fat mouth, and get on with it.
You'll snap out of it, you will, you have so much to give, you just have to figure out how to 'give' some of it to yourself.
Hi Jayme. Glad to see this post, but so sorry to read that you now have shingles. My husband had them the other year and they can be so painful and debilitating. Your post, again I can relate to. Last week I had a breakout of a rash on my upper chest and back, (which my sister in law thinks was hives) ?? Hmmm... along with dealing all week with a vertigo feeling and hot flashes now reoccuring. Ugh! I am so frustrated as well because for awhile I was doing well. I keep plugging along, but I feel I am not in control of my body any longer no matter how hard I try. It seems when I relate my symptoms to family members they don't get it or sometimes look at me and go "Oh Mom your fine!" Really, it is so frustrating. Yes, they all still expect me to be super mom as I have always been and unfortunately, mother nature is not allowing it anymore. You are not alone and it is ok to reveal your heartfelt frustrations and woes Jayme. We're not a bunch of whiners here, we are sisters united by the terrible "M/aging process" I take comfort through your posts and the other shares here as well. Your blog helps me more than you know. Take care girl, til you post again......
ReplyDeleteDebra
"Learn to be still "- the Eagles. Go. Listen :-)
ReplyDeleteI love old abandoned houses too. But I don't understand why people let them go back to the earth. It would seem (the house in your post) that people would sell or rent or even give them away while they could still make a family home.
ReplyDeleteAmen! I would live in it. I love old abandoned houses and feel angst every time I pass by one that is just begging to be lived in. WHY??? Why not?
Delete(especially if it was smack next door to Jayme! Amen?)
Jayme, I'd personally make you a Bacon-Cheesecake! You know, of the savory sort. And speaking of savory...
Here's hoping, my friend, that you will find to time to savor each moment of every day. In it, "taste and see that the LORD is good..."(ps.34:8)
Ponder this:
Don't let yourself get so busy that you miss those little but important extras in life -- the beauty of a day...
the smile of a friend..
the serenity of a quiet moment alone. ~ unknown
Time to take it easy and dive into a stack of good books. Stop pushing yourself. Eat some comfort food and read "Sweet Salt Air" by Barbara Delinsky.
ReplyDelete.....even when nothing is happening, something is happening Jayme -- in this season of your days it might surprise you to hear that your posting above was a positive reinforcement to me .... you write it's ok to be still, we all have Job's condition at some point, we get lonely, we wrestle with ourselves, we think the grass is greener over that fence that still needs watering. You prove that on it goes for us all. If nothing else Jayme, it is a boost to the spirit to know that we are in this sweet spot called living connected with the knowledge that everyone deals with struggles. It might be a fabulous season right now, but, the storms come and the blessing is.......the storms eventually pass. For this day and for as many days as are needed....rest is the recharger and healer -- You may not have the gumption for posting here again for a bit, but, hope it does you good to know that you are prayed over and remembered 'in between' here and your next posting.
ReplyDeleteTake good care -- your humour engine is still clickin' along Jayme, :o)
Barbra
,,,gosh, that was awesome...i needed that!! ..breathe on me, oh breath of god, fill me with life anew, that i may love what thou dost love, and do what thou wouldst do. ...wow .. yes, jayme, you are being prayed over. rest well
DeleteJust wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your blog. You are so funny, and your life sounds delicious to me! This post hit a nerve, especially the part about what everyone else is doing. I'm struggling to leave a corporate life in the big city and go to the country for simpler living. I'm even afraid to tell anyone I know about it because they'll think I'm nuts! Why do I care what they think? I even fantasize about leaving my job, but not telling my boss or coworkers where I'm going or what I'll do because I don't want to hear their opinions. I imagine that they just won't understand. So, I feel ya, Jamie. Keep on keeping on. Some of us envy what you're doing!
ReplyDelete