Saturday, August 13, 2011

Restless in Indiana

It's happening again.
I'm all restless up in here.
It happened this time last year too....

It's the worst symptom of ADHD I have.
I'm as restless as a worm on a hot brick.
So I'm told.

I used to think it was anxiety - but come to find out that anxiety is based in fear - the definition being -

 A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

That's not me - in fact it might be better if I did worry about uncertain outcomes a bit more!

Restlessness -

Marked by a lack of quiet, repose, or rest

So what do I do when I get like this?
I used to eat.
Now - I struggle not to eat - and I go to the library.

On today's agenda -
Plan the rest of my life.

But then it was a nice sunny day - and I can't plan important things on those kinds of days.
Nay - I need a good gloomy, stormy day for life planning.

I'm even laughing as I type it!
I just wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I used to want to be an actress or a forest ranger.
I still want a DNR shirt - I have a patch fetish.
And if I were a DNR agent?
I could SO tell people to tidy up their campsites, with authority.

Until I figure it out - I reckon I'll tend birds, grow things, vacuum, make tinctures and ointments and spill my guts on the Interweb.
I keep thinking there's something more out there for me to do - and I'm missing it.

Oh!  and before I take my leave - I'll say that this camping trip was the best ever.
As in - I enjoyed myself.

Some of the best hiking ever.

I rode a flipping horse (not the pony in the picture)
I conquered the fear.
You should have seen the horse person (what do you call them?) when I asked for a lame or near death horse.
I rode Bubbles.
She was nice.
I almost fainted once - and nearly vomited a few times, but all in all - it was good.

My bee stung hand calmed down enough to hold the strings.  They are strings - you can call them reins - but they are strings.
Controlling a large animal with a string? 
See - that's what starts scaring me.
And then the teeth - and the eyes - and the sheer strength of an animal that size, that given the right opportunity would run like the wind -
OK - I have to stop - I'm getting faint again.

Back to life planning....
What did you want to be when you grew up?


  1. I don't know either! I ponder this with some regularity too! I'm 48 and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. sigh.
    well, I know I want to be happy, I want to be a great best friend to my hubby and a great momma to my girls, and I want to quilt and paint. It would be nice to be tall and willowy too, but that might be asking too much.

  2. Oh I wish I knew you was camping at Turkey Run I would have loved to have met you. It is beautiful there and gets even better in the fall.

    I wanted to be an ice skater or hair dresser. Neither happened to me. Restless here too BUT I think I hear thunder! Yipppeee

  3. I think I was raised to think about what I "should" do. This resulted in my worrying a lot growing up about being "not good enough" or "upsetting people by saying the wrong thing".

    Now that I am older and have found wonderful blogs like yours (and as a side note the downtoearth blog. I think you would like it) I see others going through the same struggles and coming out the other side!

    I am embracing not worrying, going slowly and enjoying the simple things!

    So thank you again Jayme! You are an inspiration!


  4. P.s I honestly truly used to think when I was a little girl..."I just want to have friends, get married, have kids and NOT worry!" Still working on the not worry part some days. My parents nearly had me convinced it was in my DNA!

  5. Jayme, when I grow up I want to be like you! But seriously come and visit me I've got 7 horses we will get you over that fear. (I'm scared of cows).

  6. Gosh, and I thought the pile of books waiting on my nightstand was big... of course, I own them so there's no pressure of the due date to finish them by. I need dues dates. The same pile of book has been sittin there for near 6 mths now. I dust them off periodically so it doesn't look so obvious.

    "I keep thinking there's something more out there for me to do - and I'm missing it." Me too. Let me know if you figure out how to figure what the feeling is figuring you should be doin.

    In lieu of downright gloomy days, I've found I can also get some decent life planning done on an overcast and somewhat chilly day... or while sitting in a conference surrounded by a few thousand other people.

  7. Jayme, Im reading The Sexy Years also. Saw that in your stack of books. Ireally believe I need to be on hormone replacement. Because of lack of estrogen I have turned into a grouchy, bitchy person whos mad all the time. But the cancer I had feeds on estrogen so its a big no no for me. Very good information in the book though besides that.

  8. I went for a few months without a car or a way to return things to the library on time, so I did the only rational thing - I had people bring me books I never have to return. Then I never told them to stop bringing them. I can read forever trying to decide what I want to be in my next incarnation (during this present lifetime.) So far I have been an entertainer, a chauffer, an organizer, wild animal tamer, worked in publishing and advertising and on radio, door to door sales, costumed reinactment support staff... and a few hundred other things. When does this growing up thing happen? Family history only gives me about another 30 years.
    I love taking those tests about your interests and strengths. Trouble is my results are so across the board no one can give me an answer what path I SHOULD take. Not that I would ever take a straight route.

  9. I think maybe you should stop looking so far ahead and just enjoy the moments. Life will happen regardless. I am 68 and still feel like I haven't fulfilled what God had planned for me. I keep trying.
    Read a non serious book occasionally. You have a great sense of humor-laugh a lot. A lot of us readers wish we could be like you. (See we all have the same problems) Enjoy the rest of you summer and look forward to tomorrow. I love,love,love you blog.

  10. Shoulda - woulda - coulda -- BANISH those words from your vocabulary. Enjoy every minute of the here and now, love your peeps and enjoy the beauty cause that's all we've got!!

  11. I always wanted to be a writer. I didn't know about blogs back in the day. But now I'm writing every day. Which is my therapy. You're right. Those damned things are just strings.

  12. Jayme... restless here in MO too, but not nearly as productive as you (methinks). I see my book in that stack!! I am a huge Tosca Reno fan - have most of her books. Definitely my role model for being 50 & fabulous :) Her Eat Clean Diet is what I follow now. Love it. Probably about what you're doing, but I haven't been working out regularly enough.. working on that. Love your camp pics! How fun!! I just wanna take a vacay. Thinking about an automatic chicken coop door thingy.. so I can actually go somewhere and be out after dark. I've forgotten how that would be :D

  13. I know those pictures! You were at Turkey Run, weren't you? We live about 45 min. from there, but go all the time. And canoe on Sugar Creek. Isn't it wonderful? Though after 30 years of canoeing on the weekends, we have decided we can't stand the drinkin', smokin' rednecks, so we will only go on week days from now on. So glad you had a good time.
    PS- I am bugging my husband about getting a new camper or trailer (or old camper died). I need to go camping!

  14. Interweb!~Gotta love that 30 Rock!

  15. Love the camping pictures, we used to camp a lot when the girls were growing up. I need a good bed now, that mean's a Hyatt! Horses are just big friendly dogs. Our horse Apache had a serious love affair with leftover spaghetti and Pepsi!

  16. I can't believe your library let you take that many books home. Our libraries are planning ahead to when there will be no books in the library and have cut WAY back on books for the shelves.

    I wanted to be a mom when I grew up and that I am. The chicks have grown up and left home and I don't know what the next chapter will be.....but it is gona be something great!

  17. Once upon a time I wanted to be a journalist, a fact I shared with my (conservative Christian school) high school principal. His response..."you would make a better pastor's wife" Um, Hello! What?

    Let's just say I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

  18. VERY cute picture of you in the canoe! I like it!!

    Who the hell wants to grow up? Not this old gal.

  19. "Plan the rest of my life"
    LOL - I am almost crying!
    My teenage cousin - who has been having some difficulties recently asked "What is my purpose in life?"
    and I told him that LIVING life is actually that whole journey - searching for, trying to fulfill and then again searching - the cycle of life. You keep asking that question over and over again. Good God and glory - I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up - I just want to still be sane!
    Beautiful pics - we love Turkey Run - by the way did you camp earlier at the Dunes? I thought it might be you - I was at the camp gate- checked you in - you can get a seasonal job with the DNR - State park. State campgrounds also look for campground hosts. You get to park your RV/trailer there for a month and help out when they need it. Sorry - just a bit chatty tonight!

  20. It is about time. Glad you rode, glad you liked camping. :)

    Me? I wanted to be a mommy. Missed that one now didn't I?


  21. I wish I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up... when you are 53 and still struggling with this question, sometimes, well, it just gets to be a bummer.

    I did want to be a Photographer and a Forest Ranger when I was in high school.

    I love the pictures, I'm glad you had a great time, and I'm glad you are back. Thanks for spilling your guts, I enjoy your candidness and it makes me feel fairly normal :)

    I spent last weekend reading your blog from the beginning. I love it and I think you should write a book!

  22. My sons friends being 17 ish years old were all in the kitchen the other day talking about what college they wanted to go to and what they wanted to do when they grew up, when one said "I dont really know what I want to do yet", I pipped in saying dont feel bad Im 35 and dont know what I want to do when I grow up they looked at me like I was nuts LOL

  23. I've missed thee. I'm so out of the loop, what with the impromptu church camping and the busted up computer and the partying and the wrecks.

    And yes, I done up and went. Did you??

  24. Restless in IN, I hear you loud and clear...

    Restless in MA

  25. Two thoughts...

    (laughing as I type)

    Do you know what DNR stands for in the medical field?
    Do not resuscitate. I was beginning to think you were saying that in all of your restlessness that you were wanting to wear a badge with this "order" on it...

    And. Although I'm proud of you for riding a horse...and, I can so relate here (the idea of doing it is greater than actually conquering it - so good for you)... but I was thinking. Call them reins, girl. And when you say it...SAY IT with AUTHORITY... and rein in those fears of "the big, bad and beautiful". It might help. Calling them strings just gives in to the weakness. ;)

    Just a thought.

  26. Two thoughts...

    (laughing as I type)

    Do you know what DNR stands for in the medical field?
    Do not resuscitate. I was beginning to think you were saying that in all of your restlessness that you were wanting to wear a badge with this "order" on it...

    And. Although I'm proud of you for riding a horse...and, I can so relate here (the idea of doing it is greater than actually conquering it - so good for you)... but I was thinking. Call them reins, girl. And when you say it...SAY IT with AUTHORITY... and rein in those fears of "the big, bad and beautiful". It might help. Calling them strings just gives in to the weakness. ;)

    Just a thought.

  27. Your trip sounds perfect! I hope you figure out what you want to be soon. When I was little I wanted to be a cowgirl, lawyer, advertising exec, psychiatrist, interior designer and architect.

  28. Sounds like you had a fun vacation. I always wanted to teach so I married a teacher and raised a teacher. Glad you had a good vacation

  29. I'm PROUD of you, Jayme rode a horse! Bubbles looks to me to be neither lame nor half-dead, and definitely not a pony so extra credit for all three!

    Do you know that to teach a horse to carry a rider, you have to convince the HORSE that they can trust US. We are meat-eaters after all and it is deeply ingrained in every prey animal to fear and flee from meat-eaters. Those 'strings' as you call them are thin and flimsy because they are only there to communicate direction. Forward motion, even stopping, are best communicated through your seat and legs. Accomplished riders go to the next level and compete bridleless 'strings' ...not even any headgear on the horse. Imagine that! LOL

    But I'm SO proud of you and hope you will make horseback riding a regular part of your camping adventures.

    : )

  30. I wanna be your neighbor when I grow up.

  31. Glad you had fun, Jaymes! So proud of your horse fear conquering skills, and I just adore that pic of you in the canoe!
    I wanted to be a National Geographic photographer...and a stay at home mom. Scored on one, and the other....there's still time, right?

  32. I just saw a Dr. Phil show wherein he told someone "When you get old enough to start counting your life in MONTHS, you need to let go of all the angst." I figure I have 240 months left (if I'm lucky) thats 20 years-I'm 63 this month. So...relax, life and enjoy it, and don't waste a minute! Love your blog-the chickens did it for me.

  33. I will die before I know what I want to be when I am grow up, so I just go with life's flow & have stopped trying to figure it out. Funny, I thought why does she want a DO NOT RESUSCITATE" shirt, then I read closer & looked at the patch.Then I laughed because some days I want a DNR shirt:)

  34. I second Janie's comment- and I want to be Janie's neighbor too!
    Seriously- I'm 52 and also trying to figure out "what now"- I was going to be a lawyer to the underdog until a law professor told me I would be horrible at it, so I became a teacher- where I quickly realized I didn't like other people's children enough to be around them that much! Since then I've raised two children and had a variety of jobs- mostly just to pay the bills- I wanna do something fun!!Any ideas?

  35. I grew up in the sixties so I wanted to be a hippy artist. Instead I became a special ed. teacher. If anyone ever told me teaching was in my future I would have rolled over pee my pants laughed, because I barely, and I mean barely, graduated high school. So now in my mid fifties I "love" my teaching job; which I still don't really know what ever put the thought into my head to pursue this line of work, but hear I am. Two years ago a graduated with a masters in art therapy and family counseling. Yes I am rolling over laughing at this one because I am single, no kids, and never been married. Go figure. It's a crazy world.


  36. When you figure out that life plan will you PLEASE post it!

    I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up . . . so at age 45 I went back to school! Finished school and I'm now applying for jobs! Not a great time to be a teacher . . . so much for timing!!!!

    Have a great day!

  37. I think it is so cool you rode the horse. I always wanted to but let my fear stand in the way. When you finish the stack of books I expect a brief report on each one. ;)

  38. Why do we all think we have to be something when we grow up. I think it is enough that I am. I am me, a wife, mother, mom-in-law, grandma, daughter, sister, aunt, great aunt, friend, neighbor, child of God... that seems like more than enough for me!

    Though I would like to be your neighbor too! Your block is going to get very populated!

  39. are sooo funny!

    "I could SO tell people to tidy up their campsites, with authority."

    I almost p--d in my pants at that!

  40. A horse named Bubbles would have to be harmless!

    Restless? I get that way and I think it is because I want a change. So I rearrange the furniture, part my hair on the other side or go on a day trip and imagine myself in the lovely houses I see. Nancy

  41. I wanted to be a vet when I grew up. I spent hours in front of the tv watching the PBS series All Creatures Great and Small and reading all the James Herriot books. I saw myself living in a lovely, old stone house in England or maybe Scotland, tending to large animals. However, a weak stomach for the more unpleasant side of being a vet was a reality. I knew it wasn't something I could do, but still dream of it (the more pleasant side!) today. I tend to "plan the rest of my life" as well. What do I want to do, improve, explore before too many years pass? How's that saying go? "Time flies...whether you're having fun or not!" Thanks for sharing the fun in your life with all of us!

  42. Same here! Not a wink of sleep to be had here in Crazyville. I feel like I'm worrying myself to death about something and I don't even know what the something is. I must be crazy. I need a vacation. (Again.)

  43. Hey girl you are too much. I could just picture you on that horse ready to hurl. We used to go to Turkey Run but that was years ago. We must get together soon doll.

  44. I want to be funny and smart, pretty and demure, strong and unafraid. I'll let you know how that's going when I get started!!!
    Your trip looked like so much fun!!
    Love the horse stories...too funny!!


Thanks so much for leaving a comment!