Tuesday, January 26, 2016

It's a Good Day to Talk About Fear

Good news!
I woke up today!

If you've been around here long enough - you are familiar with my irrational fear of the number 53.
What started as a thought (read that again!) - turned into a belief - grew into a fear - 

I had some notion that I wouldn't live past 53.
Completely unfounded.
But I thought it enough - that it became real to me.
I fought it often, and really had thought that I'd conquered it for the most part, until this past week.

As we were on our way to South Bend last weekend, I thought - is this it?  A car accident?
As I tripped a little going down the basement stairs - is this it?  An unfortunate accident with the laundry basket?

Yesterday - I didn't leave the house.
Last night - I said a silent prayer that I'd wake up today.

I think I'm safe - I'm 54 today.

Most people that know me, would consider me quite fearless.
Go into the beehive without protection?  I'm your girl.
Get 25 chickens on a whim when you know nothing about tending them?
Why the heck not!
Drive cross country without a cell phone?  
What's wrong with that?

I could go on - 

On a day to day basis - some of the things that I SHOULD have a second thought about - I don't - 
yet fear has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember.

I had a very clear picture recently of 'eggsactly' what I was doing.  It was if I had an idea - and thought 'well let's see what my counselor has to say about this' - and off I went to Dr. Fear - laid on his couch - and let him counsel me of all the things that could go wrong, and why I should fear this situation.  He was quite thorough and even thought of scenarios I never would have dreamed of.

Dr. Fear suggests that I completely book myself with events to sell marshmallows so that there isn't a smidge of time left for myself.
He asks questions like 'well, if this is your income - don't you think you'd better get after it? I mean - a weekend free is lost wages!'.

So - I heed his counsel and I book.  And I book.  And all the while I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of 'how in the Sam hill?' - but I continue to heed the counsel of this scoundrel - and the next thing I know - my joy is drained. 
 And that's the co-pay of his counsel.  
You pay with joy.
You pay with the very essence that is your life.
Your soul starts to wither up into a dark ball and you've nothing left to give anyone else - you've given it all to fear.

A very toxic relationship.

Most of our fears never come to fruition.
The fact that I'm still breathing and sitting on my couch typing this - proves that.

So what do I do today - what action do I take today that can sever this toxic thinking?

Today there will be teeth kicking.
Today I'm pulling out my planner and pulling out of some of the shows I've booked.
I have to.
I will pray for a heart and mind that is quick to recognize fear and all of it's faces.
I will meditate on the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.
I will breathe.
And - 
I will eat cake.

The end.


  1. Happy Birthday!!!I needed a dose of you today. I am at a crossroads and needed that marshmallow push! Happy 54!! Just do YOU!

  2. Jayme, Jayme, Jayme. Here you are, a victim of your own success. I've been here at your blog since chicken diapers, when dear Aaron was a lad. It's always been a very black-and-white place ... so little grey area. My wish for you is that you listen to fear only when it's appropriate, put it behind you when it's not, and to find a balance that you can live with. It's a struggle, learning when to say no, deciding when to say yes, and living a more peaceful life. You can do it, you always do. Marshmallows are a good thing, just not at the expense the rest of what's important in life.

    Happy, happy birthday, Sweetie.

  3. Love you much girl friend! Have a beautiful day. I thank God every time I think of you. Glad your dealing with this. Happiest of birthdays! Xoxo

  4. Good for you Jayme...time to relax and just enjoy...make it fun ...not a job....work in your flower gardens...enjoy chickens pecking around...and your bees...Happy Birthday to yoU...enjoy your day!

  5. Good for you Jayme...time to relax and just enjoy...make it fun ...not a job....work in your flower gardens...enjoy chickens pecking around...and your bees...Happy Birthday to yoU...enjoy your day!

  6. Thanks for sharing. I have suffered with depression, but this last year it seems to have bloomed into fear. Each year I have a word that I think God is speaking to me about. This year I have three word...Do Not Fear. Funny how your struggles often are similar to mine. I will pray for you God's peace and courage as I pray for myself.

    For God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and discipline. II Timothy 1:7

    Happy Birthday!

  7. Happy Birthday! May the cake be sweet, may the thoughts be joyous, and may God bless you!

  8. Love you! Love your common sense- love that at our core we are very much "kindred spirits"! I had the same conversation with Dr. Fear just yesterday…
    Happy Birthday sweet friend- many many blessings is my wish for you!

    1. Why did I think of you when I read this? The over-doing thing. :-)

  9. Happy Birthday to you. You gave all of us a gift by writing today. Hope this is your best year yet!

  10. Happy, Happy Birthday to you, dear Jayme! It is so nice to see a post from you. I have been away from blogging- hubby is dealing with the Big C...very aggressive so it has been life-altering for us. Just popping into the blog world for a break and a bit of refreshing. Love to you- Have a wonderful year! xo Diana

    1. Prayers going up for you and your family Diana, what an awful illness you are dealing with, hugs

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  11. Happy Birthday! My thoughts too are my own worst enemy. I have missed out and not enjoyed things because of "what if". This year I am trying to distract myself from this and enjoy. Yay me! Enjoy your day!!

  12. Happy Birthday Jayme!! So so true! Remember perfect Love casts out fear. Look to Him to guide you!! :)

  13. Happy Birthday, Beautiful!! I always thought that fear wasn't one of *my* struggles, but I've come to see it in myself/my reactions/my choices more and more. I'm not sure if this is new, or just new revelation.... Thanks for the wise words.
    I hope you have a fabulous day ~ Tracy

  14. I find the same thing running through blogs right now. So many bloggers say they are run down, tired, have overdrawn themselves to the point of exhaustion. You know, we don't have to work so hard, get everything done, make everyone happy. Sometimes we need me time to just veg out and enjoy life. God gave us these lives for one reason, to glorify Him and to love others. Then we all get bogged down in doing things, going places, trying to make others happy and all of a sudden, we are worn out, depressed and out of sorts. Let's all slow down, smell the roses, kiss our kids and stop trying to do everything. Eat your cake, Jayme, and enjoy your 54th birthday. It's the beginning of the rest of your life and believe me, the fifties were my favorite decade until I became sixty and now the sixties are my favorite! Happy Birthday, girl. You are wonderful!!!!!!

  15. Happiest of birthdays to you girlfriend! May you sail thru your 54th year with all the joy your heart can hold!

  16. Happy Birthday!!!!! Thursday 28th will be mine but I'm much older than you
    65!!!! I know what you mean about fear the year I turned 30 my mom died, the year I turned 40 my sister, father and brother died. So when I was about to turn 50 I got my affairs in order.
    Have a great year!!!

  17. First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Secondly, yes, you have to take time for yourself. Good for you for "unbooking" some shows. Its all about the balance

  18. Happy birthday! Rock this year and have some fun, kick that stupid fear thing in the booty!

  19. Happy Birthday. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself!!" Make it the best year of your life. Turning 50 was the pivotal point in my life. I realized then that death was somewhere around the corner. Which corner, I did not know. So I decided to live as though it were around the next corner. Now the key word is LIVE! (not in fear that that corner was approaching.....but instead making each day such that if it were around the next corner I would be ok with it!) For me, really, truly "living" is just enjoying each and every moment that I get and filling it with as much love as is possible....recognizing the "special" in the mundane. Live more....think less! Glad you are back....you were missed!!

  20. Jayme, I want to wish you a wonderful birthday. Fear can have such a stranglehold on us, can't it? From reading and enjoying your many past blog posts, you seem to be so alive, vibrant, fun, authentic... Yes, you have shared some difficulties, but you have risen like a phoenix and will continue to. I think at 54 you are allowed to do what YOU want. So if you want to attend fewer events, that is entirely your right. Enjoy each day, one day at a time. -Jenn

  21. Love reading your posts! I so can relate. Your braveness clearly shines through. Thanks so much!

  22. Happy Happy Birthday my sweet friend. I know all about fear. I was raised in fear. My poor sweet mother, she is a slave to fear and so she poured that fear all over us girls (me and my 2 sisters). She wouldn't let us do anything. Couldn't ride a ride at a county fair "it might break." Couldn't go swimming, we might drown. Couldn't spend the night with friends "you never know what goes on in that house." We couldn't do ANYTHING. And so I lived in fear. When I had my own kids I DETERMINED to break that cycle and not raise them scared of everything. It was hard. Really hard. I understand parents wanting to protect their kids. And protecting them to the extent you can is a good thing. Teaching them to be afraid of everything is NOT a good thing. To this day there are still many things I'm afraid of . . . fears I have not overcome. And no matter how irrational a fear can seem to others, if its your fear, then it's real to you. Good for you pulling back on the reins and saying "WOAH!" It takes major courage to do that. You got this girl!! Hugs from Missouri to Indiana my friend!

  23. Happy Birthday . . .
    Excellent 53-54 message . . .
    Received that bit of wisdom at an OA meeting many, many years ago.
    Helped me . . .
    Eat Cake . . . for sure!

  24. Yesss. . . all day yesterday I was thinking, Jan. 26th, hmmm that's someones birthday, not just someone, but someone special. . . now I remember who, don't know how I landed here today, but glad I did, because I would have been so upset if I didn't wish the jaymster a Happy day after your Birthday! God Bless you with the best year ever!
    Peace to you my friend. Ummm Jaym, hon, you need to change your profile, to a 54 year old wannabe farmgirl, just sayin xo

  25. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

  26. Happy Birthday to you a day late! Love seeing you back!

  27. Belated happy birthday wishes. Tickled pink that you made it.

  28. Hoping it an extra healthy n HaPpY YeAr!!!! Chase those fears out and do what you love! I'm terrified constantly and have much work to do but I refuse to give in to my fears. Thanks for always making the process look so fun!


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