Gettin' Real

It's about 11am on a gloomy, snowy Wednesday afternoon.

The last Wednesday of February 2013.

Already - this year seems on fast forward, doesn't it?

I'm sitting in my 'studio' looking out the East window - I love this spot.

I'm about ready to sew some aprons for my Spring Open House to be held here on March 16th.

I do hope you will come!

I find my mind wandering from what breeds of chicks I will get this Spring, to what size vegetable garden to have - a realistic one, or a stressful one, whether or not to raise any meats birds, and if I choose to, how many.  I also keep reminding myself not to get ducks.

Soon the work of Spring will be in full swing.

My mind expects great things of my body.

My body never gets the memo.

I've been pushing thoughts of disappointment from my mind that I didn't cook enough soup,

 knit enough or 'get enough done' in general this winter.

I'm gonna be real with you guys right now and just share my thoughts and feelings.

I feel scared.

I miss Aaron.

Aaron was up on my couch for a solid week.

The BoyChild is finally well enough to go back to school, but dad gum it, I'm missing him today big time.

There is no one to wait on or dote over.

I never did get sick sick - and I like to think that my immune system is strong from 

eating such a nutrient rich diet.

Stop the presses - there's a robin outside my window at this very moment!

photo from Duncraft Wild Bird Blog

Flat out made my day!

Earliest one I've ever seen - it's always the first week in March before they arrive!

OK - back to me.

: -)

So my bones are aching for the boy.

I also feel scared today.

About money.

The lack of it.

I'm embracing my self imposed poverty - my voluntary simplicity the best I can.

I think the fridge threw me for a loop.

Perhaps I should have just bought an old used one off of Craig's List.

Does being frugal mean we can't have nice things?

Am I living in a fantasy land to think that I can stay home full time?

My cleaning jobs are getting sporadic, and Glen's hours seem to be whittling away as he gets home earlier and earlier each day.

I hate that feeling of fear that settles in your physical body somewhere in between your

 esophagus and upper intestine.  

 t

Let's just be real and say if I were to drop dead at the moment, there wouldn't be money to bury my corpse in any splendid manner.  Nay, I would be cremated, and I'm not even sure we could afford that.

OK..now I'm chuckling.

Law.

I have a brand new fridge chock full of food, my house is paid off, everyone I love is happy and healthy, and I have a warm kitty on my lap.  What more could a girl want?

 I'm sure we'll be fine - but I have to say - when I get this scared feeling, the first thing I want to do is to run off to Starbucks and beg them to hire me for the 5 to 10 am shift.  It makes me think that I could still have a life if I worked those hours.  I could still be there for Aaron, Glen and have the life I want here.

Funny thing - I am only willing to work at Starbucks.

I have no idea why.

Perhaps it's my inordinate affection with coffee houses, and the deep down belief that a good cup of coffee can make anything better.

Money is such a false sense of security, and I'm almost embarrassed to say that I'm giving into it right now.

All the very most important things in life - money can't buy.

Health and love.

or 

Love and health.

In whichever order you prefer.

I am blessed beyond measure with both.

I could have a bank account full of money, and a pancreas full of cancer.

I could have all the luxuries the world has to offer, and no one to share them with, or wipe my fevered brow if I were sick, which I wouldn't be - because I take such good care of myself.  

: -)

So you see - I am rich.

Just broke.

Not poor.

This too shall pass.

OK - really really - next post - a giveaway of two fabulous Storey Publishing books!

Thanks for listening guys.

xo

She Lives : -)

Remember my last post?

I was sitting here up in my chair watching the snow fall?

Well, it's a good thing I did sisters, cause that's the last time I sat still until this very moment!

I wish I had a report of exactly what it is I've been doing - but I don't. 

You know - I haven't lifted a single knitting needle yet this winter?

There's only a week left of the meteorological winter!

However, I did redo my 'studio/pantry/catchall' room.

It's still evolving.

This photo from Pinterest was my inspiration.

The only money spent was a few dollars for the curtain on the desk.

I must say, I might like to paint the walls a lighter color in the near future - but right now - ain't nobody got time for that.

The program that I used to lose the 100lbs a couple of years ago, started up again on February 6th and I've been busy doing coaching there.

Aaron has visited.

I've cleaned the basement and have been selling anything that comes loose up on Craig's List and eBay.

Last happy Saturday morning, I woke up and found a puddle of water in my kitchen.

My barely 10 year old fridge was broken...again.

Fourth time since we bought it.

I thought of blogging and requesting donations.

Help me save the unborn chickens!

Save the milk!

Support the meat!

Within a whirlwind of 48 hours I had an empty bank account, 10lbs of thawed meat and new fridge sitting on my inside front porch  - a half an inch too big to fit in the house.

I was nearly in tears during this -

and this....

Finally the beast was in.

She's a beauty, and the measured water fill feature has revolutionized my life.

Completely.

The fridge is only an inch or two bigger than the other one, and yet it seems ginormous. 

 I feel like saying 'Welcome to my refrigerator' when people stop by now.

Just when I thought I could catch my breath, I got a heartbreaking call from the BoyChild - he was sick.

I had to go get him.

I had to.

He wasn't about to lay there alone and sick.

Not on my watch baby.

These are the days I'm so thankful I don't work full time.

102 fever - aches, pains, sore throat.

I got him situated on the couch and turned my attention to the 10 lbs of thawed meat.

I cooked:

Venison Stew

Chili

Sloppy Joes

Turkey Cranberry Walnut Salad

Turkey Noodle Soup

Roasted Garlic Chicken and Potatoes

Meatloaf

He's on Tamiflu now, after a nose swab confirmed he has Influenza B.

He's had his eyes open for the last hour - it's the most I've seen the whites of his eyes since he's been here.

Guess who's sitting here now with a tickle in her throat,  and eyes and nose itching?

Yep.

So there ya have it.

A week (or two) in the life.

Better than a stick in the eye.

My next blog post is going to be a giveaway of two great new books about chickens from Storey Publishing!

Don't miss your chance to win!

When Quiet Comes

All thrifted treasures.  I've started collecting juice bottles, I have no idea why, other than they make me happy.  Everything on this shelf is thrifted other than the cookbooks - they were gifts.  Is anyone else over the Pioneer Woman? I feel badly saying that - but I just can't care.

I sit here now with a purring feline on my lap at 2:30 in the pm - 

I've had a mammogram, thrift shopped and purchased the week's groceries.

I'm saving grocery receipts to get an idea of how much I'm spending on food a month.
It's more than I want to, that's for sure.

I came home and had tea and talked with a friend on the phone briefly.

I spend a lot of time at this tea pot!  It remains one of the best gifts I've ever been given.

And now - I blog.

I never imagined a life like this - a life of routine - a life of uninterrupted thoughts.

A world in which things stay where I put them.

Oftentimes, I  feel like I'm missing out on something important.

Surely -there is some busyness that I need to attend to.

Busyness has been quite a coping mechanism for me.

For the record - busyness doesn't equal productivity, a higher social standing or personal importance.

I feel like life is in control, which for me - is a very strange feeling indeed.  I've almost always felt that life was a roller coaster and that I was strapped in whether I liked it or not - and oftentimes I'd forgotten the barf bucket and made a mess of the whole thing.

Have you ever run into a friend somewhere, like a grocery store, and they go on and on about how busy they are, and that they don't have a single second to spare?  They seem completely overwhelmed, and yet you can detect the slightest hint of 'see how important I am?  See how full my life is?  It must be good if it's this full.  I must be good.  I am important, and needed.

The books I ordered with my Amazon.com birthday gift card arrived today!

I used to be that person.

A few months ago, I was that person.

Today my life is tidy - it's organized.  It's quiet.  And that's ok. If you ran into me today and asked me what's new - I'd say 'not a bloody thing, have you got time for coffee?'.

Life is cyclical and today I feel more as if I'm on a Ferris wheel, calmly spinning, enjoying the view.

The crazy thing is - I can do anything I want right now - I mean - within reason.  I couldn't fly to Paris or go on a shopping spree - but you know what I mean.

All the things you say you want to do.

Go to the library.

See a movie.

Spend time with so and so.

Sew.

Read.

Create.

Redecorate.

And the list goes on and on.

I could do any of those things at this very minute - and yet I choose to sit with warm cat on my lap and watch the snowflakes fall.

Guess what?

I don't feel a bit guilty about it either.

Spring will be here soon with it's obnoxious to do list.

The ladders will come out, the hoes will be sharpened, the chicks will be ordered and the soil turned over.

Today I'm going to enjoy the quiet.

I'll try a new Kale Salad recipe for dinner tonight, and take a long hot bath afterwards.

I'll cozy up on the couch tonight and watch tv.

I'll be sound asleep by 9:30 in the pm.

I'll sleep like the dead.

I do believe there is healing in the quiet.

Lord knows we all need some of that.

Thank you all for such a wonderful outpouring of birthday wishes to Pam!  I hope I didn't embarrass you too much Pam - wasn't my intent.  Please let us know how your special day was!