Ponder This

my little stick tree

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

I know y'all are thinking it.

I do declare this the most depressing blog ever as it applies to Christmas.

Barefoot Contessa's Chicken Chili

Have I posted one delicious Christmas recipe?

No.

from Pinterest - I actually did this with holiday soap from Target!

Have I shared one fabulous decorating idea?

No.

Have I shared any great gift ideas?

Nada.

In fact - stopping by here, you might think I'm anti-Christmas - but you'd be so wrong -

cause my heart is just bursting at the seams with the Spirit of it all.

No baking.

No shopping.

Minimal decorating, and last minute at that.

The final pumpkin was found and discarded just today.

My 50 Random Acts of Kindness are in full swing, and it's the best gift I've ever given myself.

I'm absolutely stress-less.

I ofttimes feel that I live in a fantasy world - a bubble almost - of goodness and light, and happiness and sunshine - where everyday is Christmas, and everyone I meet has the same naive spirit as I do.

So far - living like this has worked for me.

I've got no plans of changing.

The last year has been a journey indeed.
A journey of weight loss, a journey of personal growth, a journey of learning to let peace lead, to let go of control, to end worry, and a journey to live simply.
I haven't been perfect, but I've done stinkin' good.



This morning I awoke pondering this -
Would I indeed be able to celebrate the birth of our Saviour without confection?
Without eggnog.
Fudge.
Cookies.
Punch.
Cakes.
Spiced nuts.


Would I?

You must know that I've food issues.
For me - one cookie would turn into one hundred.
Surely you wouldn't tell your recovering alcoholic Uncle Fred to have just 'one drink' for Christmas?
Surely, you wouldn't encourage your crack addicted cousin Susie to just 'do a little' cause it's the Holidays.

Would you?

While doing the morning dishes, I began pondering again. Sometimes I think I ponder too much, and it's something I'm working on - but some pondering is quite necessary when going through a major transformation. I'm trying to learn to boil things down. To get to the root of things as quickly as I can - and move on. Sometimes I do pretty well - other times, I get stuck - and thoughts are like a broken record in my head.

I'm pondering the no bake Christmas again this year. I know. It probably seems so silly to some of you - but for me - it was my identity I suppose. I don't think I truly realized how much time and energy I put into Christmas baking. Recipes were searched out months in advance, ingredients were bought weeks ahead - I practically worked full time for two weeks baking. I was good at it. People liked it - it validated me in some way - and also fed my addiction as of course I had to taste everything, and not only taste - I'm sure I ate half of it all - and that's why I had to make SO much!

What has me pondering this again is two things:

Today my brother-in-law and nephew are coming for a visit. I know what they expect. They expect a visit to Mrs. Claus' house. They expect cookies, confection, cocoa and joy. I can give them the joy - but they will get a fruit plate and some unsweetened tea. I have a scared feeling in my stomach because of it.

The second reason is my beloved nephew Aaron, The BoyChild - who is my heartbeat, my joy and like my very own son. I feel the responsibility of giving him everything that "I" feel that Christmas is - and it involves food.

I'm trying to boil this down. Why would I feel scared over this? Why would I feel the burden of 'making some one's Christmas'? I'm reckoning that it's boiling down to needing to be liked, needing to be loved, needing to feel good at something. If the very thing I THOUGHT people liked me for - I no longer do - my mind tells me that they will no longer like me. Is that really that big of a deal? Obviously, to me it is. If someone no longer likes me because I don't bake cookies - well, it's a pretty good indication that they never liked ME in the first place....

I started my period today - just interjecting that right here right now....LOL

The small part of my brain that is logical - tells me that all of this is poppycock. Come by for a visit, have some great orange slices and move on. It's not my 'job' to make you happy, it's not my 'job' to make you cookies. Like the new me or move on.

The large part of my brain that is emotional cries out 'love me' and wants to get the sugar and flour out.

Lord have mercy.
And you thought the whole process of weight loss was eat less, move more, didn't you?