If you've been around here long enough - you are familiar with my irrational fear of the number 53.
What started as a thought (read that again!) - turned into a belief - grew into a fear -
I had some notion that I wouldn't live past 53.
But I thought it enough - that it became real to me.
I fought it often, and really had thought that I'd conquered it for the most part, until this past week.
As we were on our way to South Bend last weekend, I thought - is this it? A car accident?
As I tripped a little going down the basement stairs - is this it? An unfortunate accident with the laundry basket?
Yesterday - I didn't leave the house.
Last night - I said a silent prayer that I'd wake up today.
I think I'm safe - I'm 54 today.
Most people that know me, would consider me quite fearless.
Go into the beehive without protection? I'm your girl.
Get 25 chickens on a whim when you know nothing about tending them?
Why the heck not!
Drive cross country without a cell phone?
What's wrong with that?
I could go on -
On a day to day basis - some of the things that I SHOULD have a second thought about - I don't -
yet fear has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember.
I had a very clear picture recently of 'eggsactly' what I was doing. It was if I had an idea - and thought 'well let's see what my counselor has to say about this' - and off I went to Dr. Fear - laid on his couch - and let him counsel me of all the things that could go wrong, and why I should fear this situation. He was quite thorough and even thought of scenarios I never would have dreamed of.
Dr. Fear suggests that I completely book myself with events to sell marshmallows so that there isn't a smidge of time left for myself.
He asks questions like 'well, if this is your income - don't you think you'd better get after it? I mean - a weekend free is lost wages!'.
So - I heed his counsel and I book. And I book. And all the while I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of 'how in the Sam hill?' - but I continue to heed the counsel of this scoundrel - and the next thing I know - my joy is drained.
And that's the co-pay of his counsel.
You pay with joy.
You pay with the very essence that is your life.
Your soul starts to wither up into a dark ball and you've nothing left to give anyone else - you've given it all to fear.
A very toxic relationship.
Most of our fears never come to fruition.
The fact that I'm still breathing and sitting on my couch typing this - proves that.
So what do I do today - what action do I take today that can sever this toxic thinking?
Today there will be teeth kicking.
Today I'm pulling out my planner and pulling out of some of the shows I've booked.
I have to.
I will pray for a heart and mind that is quick to recognize fear and all of it's faces.
I will meditate on the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.
Remembering the days of sitting here clicking away - feeling so connected to you all.
I've just logged back in for the first time since Oct. 7th. I'm just seeing all the messages you've sent me saying you've missed me.
It seems my life holds daily reminders of all the love that has been shown here.
Every day I stand on the rag rug that was made for me by my blog friend Linda - or I'm wearing an apron, or a using a hand towel that one of you have gifted me - or just the memories - so many memories of all y'all. I'm blessed beyond measure to call some of you my true friends.
I can honestly say, with my whole heart - I may not have gotten through the last few years without you.
I've had the IMMENSE pleasure of meeting so many of you out at the shows this year - as I travel around and get up in your 'hood. I'm embarrassed to say, that with the blur this past year was - I don't remember all of your names, and didn't get photos!
(PS - I'll be in So. Bend this Saturday at the Winterfest from 7 til 3 - So. Bend Farmer's Market on Northside Blvd)
One that I did get a photo of was Cindy and her husband Ernie.
It was a cool December day - and I was doing a show in Griffith IN - and it was a show that I almost didn't go to. I was so, so, so bone tired by December.
And am I glad I did! Cindy and Ernie showed up and I guess they drove a couple of hours to come and meet me.
I just have to say - with the way I've shared my heart and life here - it's really an odd feeling when you meet someone that says 'I've been reading your blog for years' - and you are standing there at that moment thinking - 'oh ma ga - they know EVERYTHING!'
I always feel a bit twitchy, and embarrassed - I'm hoping it doesn't show. I know everyone has a story - dark chapters, happy chapters - and chapters yet unwritten. Many choose not to share it all on the world wide web. I do.
The show was slow, so Cindy and I got to visit for a bit. I always felt bad when I was too busy to visit you all when you came out.
We shared some laughs, a few tears and a hug. I'm telling you - you guys are some seriously fabulous people. The connection we felt just reminded me again - that blogging like this is real - there are real people - with real lives - real struggles - real hopes and dreams - real lives - reading this. And that's why I've always wanted to make my blog real. Well, I don't try to make it real - it just is. It's my life without a soft focus lens on it. It's not staged, it's not sugar coated. I've shared just about every ding danged thing here.
Thank you. Thank you for reading - thank you for loving me, supporting me, encouraging me and laughing at and with me. : -)
I survived the year.
I honestly have never worked so hard in my entire life. Working at the steel mills when I was younger? Piece of cake. Moving 10 yards of mulch one wheelbarrow at a time? Child's play. Renovating this old farmhouse? Easy Peasy.
I accomplished the goal I set out to achieve and more. Debt free living. I was able to help some others as well. It's a great feeling. I'm now more convinced than ever - that any flipping thing is possible. That you CAN find a way!
I wasn't sure if I was going to continue the business after making the goal - because when I started - it was a means to an end. I thought I would just carry on with my quiet life of library books, knitting, gardening and chicken rearing. I thought maybe I'd apply for a part time job at Whole Foods. I could see myself scootering back and forth - working in the Juice Bar, or neatly stacking those heads of romaine.
Alas - I kind of like this market madness. I have a quiver full of new friends.
My only struggle is - calming the heck down. I still try to do too much - too many markets.
So, I'm still the same Jayme that you've come to know.
Chronic Overachiever. Stubborn as a mule. Desperately seeking balance.
But it seems that this Mother Wilma's Marshmallow Factory is here to stay. I've got me a bona fide business.
I'm really hoping and praying to find the balance in it all, and return to blogging on a regular basis.
I'll be 54 in a week. Fifty. four. When? How?
I have this notion that it's going to be the best year yet. Like ever. In the history of Jayme.
One of the things I'm addressing as a priority is my health - unfortunately - it was my sacrifice on the altar of my goal. Smart? Nope. Not very. Typical all or nothing Jayme? Yessirree.
With that being said -
I'm doing the Leanness Lifestyle again. It really is the only thing that works for me.
It starts the day after my birthday - January 27th, and I'd be tickled pink if some of you joined me.