Lest you think my life all sunshine, baby ducks, and perfect pie crusts, I wanted to share what's on my heart with you today.
I've been mulling over sharing this, and I feel that I need to. Not everything in life is for the blog, but I do think this is.
To warn you, perhaps, if you were ignorant about this.
To get your advice and encouragement....
...and to just be real.
It's hard for me to talk about happy things when my heart is heavy.
It's quite easy to 'create' a life online, to only photograph the 'good parts' of the house, to only talk about the 'good parts' of life, and to only show the recipes that turn out great. I could just show you the cute baby ducks, and not talk about or post pictures of the incredible poopy mess they are, or the food paste that they've splattered all over my kitchen walls that I scrubbed off today.
I always thought I could be that type of a blogger. I'm finding out that I can't be.
I have to share my heart.
I'm sure you all remember my sweet nephew Aaron.
In fact, several of you have mentioned how you've not seen him around on the blog lately, and that you've missed him.
There's a bit of a reason he's not been here.
We are having some troubles with him.
He's acting like a stinking brat.
I'm not sure how much detail to go into here, and I don't want to just go on and on, so I'm just going to do headlines.
Aaron is fatherless.
He's never known his father.
It was my sister's decision at the time of his birth.
Aaron is bi-racial (but I'm sure you knew that).
We live in a very white community.
My sister is a single mom.
I think that's a lot for a kid to deal with, and overcome emotionally.
Aaron switched schools four times in the five years he went to public school while my sister made her way through life, finally getting a good job and finding a permanent place to live.
Aaron is sharp as a tack, has a great vocabulary and is an all around great kid, but struggled in school tremendously. Every teacher he had wanted him on medication for focus problems. Since I've been homeschooling him, I definitely see their point. We tried medication in third grade, but it changed his personality so, that we stopped it. We decided that we'd rather have an average student with a personality, than a medicated robot with good grades. That was our experience, and I do hope that I haven't offended anyone, or stepped on toes....
Aaron has always been spoiled.
Only child, one of two grandkids....
I lived out my fantasies of being a mother with him, and spoiled him as well.
My sister, being a single, hard working mother, oft times compensated not being there by giving him material things.
She oft times gave in to him and didn't address bad behavior out of tiredness, stress and wanting to have peace.
I was always afraid of the day that would come when we would reap what we've sown.
I touched on it here.
That day seems to have come, my friends.
Aaron has always, and I do mean just about always been great with me.
No trouble whatsoever.
When I sees something I don't like, I try to nip it in the bud.
I treat him with respect, and he in turn has treated me with respect.
By no means do I think I've done everything right, but I try to be consistent.
With his mom....he's horrible.
He's the most disrespectful thing I've ever seen.
It makes my stomach hurt.
It breaks my heart.
He's taken to swearing like a sailor.
He's making up elaborate stories that aren't true.
He's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I feel frightened that I don't really know him.
We had a situation a few weeks ago.
Let me preface this by saying that Aaron doesn't get unlimited computer time here, and doesn't have a computer at home.
I've always been glad that Aaron hasn't shown a lot of interest in spending hours on the computer, or video games.
If he's on my computer, it's for school, it's closely monitored, and I have Parental Controls on everything to the best of my knowledge.
I bought Aaron an iPod Touch for Christmas.
I disabled the Safari app, so he couldn't freely access the internet wirelessly.
I thought I had it all covered.
I didn't know about 'apps'.
Parents, be warned.
Long story short....something quickened in my heart to check his email.
Oh it wasn't good.
Apparently he was on some adult dating 'app' claiming he was 18 years old, and accessing things that no one should see, let alone 14 year old boys.
I felt that as a family, we handled the situation correctly, and mercy did triumph over judgment. There was a lot of love in the room.
He no longer has the iPod Touch.
I know in my heart he was truly repentant.
But something has changed.
I can't put my finger on it.
I feel like I'm losing him.
His attitude is horrendous.
I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my sweet nephew who's face lit up to see me.
I've lost my buddy.
As his Aunt, I'm trying to find my place in all of this.
I'm committed to him 100%.
I will do anything I can for him.
My sister is a wonderful mother.
She has provided a beautiful home for him.
He has a great support of family and friends.
I'm a control freak, and I just want to fix it.
I don't have children of my own, but I do think I know what it is like to be a mother.
All I can think of right now, is the heartache I probably brought to my very own mother, and didn't even realize it.
I wish I could apologize.
Any words of wisdom, prayers or advice are welcome!
The sun is shining outside, clothes are blowing on the line.
The ducks have doubled in size and mess.
I feel stuck though, until I can wrap my head around how to think and feel about all of this going on.
Please tell me there is hope!