Monday, March 8, 2010

Foggy, With a Chance of Sorrow

Photo by Ralph Eldridge

This morning I'd planned on blogging about something fun.
The Vintage Camper Museum we'd visited last week, the homemade crackers I made this weekend, garden plans, pie crusts, or something similarly riveting.

But I can't.

It's March 8th.

Last night right before I slipped into sleep, March 7th caught up with me.
It caught up with me in a way that made my heart crack open like someone cracking open a lobster, carelessly, just wanting what was inside.
Burning tears stung my eyes, my cheeks, my pillow. I wept silently, aching.

I slept.

This morning, I woke up at 4am, still with a lump in my throat, I didn't get up with Glenco. I told myself I needed a little extra rest, so I wouldn't catch the cold that he and Aaron had last week. He assured me the same. "Get some more rest, Jayme".
I wanted to rest.
I wanted to stay in bed all day.
I wanted life to stop.
I felt guilty that the chickens were still locked up, the cats were hungry and the rabbit surely needed water. I decided that none of them would die if I stayed in bed another hour.

When daylight streamed in, I sat up and looked out. The fog was so thick I could barely see the chicken coop. It felt it perfect for my mood. It was 6:15. School starts in two hours. I wish I could call a fog delay. Another hour passed, and finally my bladder and bursitis teamed up and forced me out of bed.

By now I'm sure you are wondering what in the world I'm talking about.

March 7th is my parent's wedding anniversary.

Why I find it so upsetting, eight years after their death, is still a mystery to me.

There are unanswered questions, and no one to answer them.

Last night, as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking that 62 years ago, my parents had married.
It was their wedding night.

Were they happy?
Were they in love?
What plans did they have for the future?

It tore me apart.

I know some things that I wish I didn't know.
It's cracked my fairy tale childhood.

I fell asleep last night, assuring myself that they were madly in love, and happy, and glad to be married.

I had to.

This morning, a fog of sadness is surrounding me.
What if?
What if they weren't happy?
What if my mom was sad and unfulfilled?
What if my dad never realized his dreams?

All I can do to try and fix my heart at the moment is to try and realize my own dreams, and make my own happiness.

Today is March 8th, anyway.
I can't afford the luxury of sadness, and sleeping and moping.

I have to teach Aaron about the hydrosphere today.
I have 79 emails to return.
It's laundry day.
Life marches on.

I just want everyone to be happy.


  1. it would be impossible for your parents not to be madly in love. look at the legacy they left with you and your sisters. the stories you tell and the love everyone has for people and life and family. the passion with which you do EVERYTHING. it is simply unfathomable that they lived without the most gloriouse of loves in thier hearts. you shouldnt doubt such things my dear. god knows love and carries it within peoples hearts forever. they are still madly in love and living it up in the heavens above. *hug*

  2. Like you said, it's the dawn of a new day....leave your troubles for the man upstairs. I am sure they were full of love. :)

    Now tell me, what do you do with a cranky rooster? xoxo

  3. We just want YOU to be happy! They must have got something right cause you are a real treasure! Let go of the past and questions that can't be answered and rely on what you feel in your heart about them. Peel back that fog and get yer gumption on today! Never let the past consume the is a GOOD day if we make it so! HUGS to you chicky-girl!

  4. Oh Jayme,
    My heart is feeling the weight of those "downer, bummer moments" in life with you. They come marching in unannounced ...out of nowhere.
    And they carry with them that one little shard of history or memory that lets us know why they are knock-knocking at our little heart's door that day. And then on top of that, sometimes it seems they even know to wrap it all up in a bad weather day. foggy, grey, depressing...
    You are just experiencing a moment of "I wonder"...reaching back in your past and pondering what all was going on, that your little mind and heart were not fully comprehending or able to take in because you were a child. But you grew up in a home where you felt loved. Obviously it was stable and unbroken as your parents held it together with all they had in them, and all that they knew was best at the time to them. **As a parent, I even feel the doubts and fears in the present of whether what I am doing is right or best, will my children be scarred from my mistakes in rearing them!!!!** This is a natural and probably healthy part of life.
    It carries HOPE on the parents' part, that all will work out okay, and they make that hope their foundation. OR... it carries REFLECTION on your part as the adult child looking back,as YOU come out of this day standing on all that is good in your life today and operating in that mindset of gratitude, for what they did impart to you. They walked their own little journey together facing challenges and bumps in the road that entered their days. All of those trials and storms in life are what make it strong. Because they are endured and faced with courage, and when a couple and a family walk out of them, still complete and stronger for it, yes, they realize what is the most important thing in life. It is not whether all dreams were realized...not whether there was complete fulfillment in all pursuits, not whether life was always happy..but the walking together, the sticking together, the commitment together to live that day and end it well. When God gives us a new is Good right then, simply because it is another day, granted from Him.
    What we do with that one day, when we hand it back to him at the end of that day, that is what makes life good Jayme. Living one day at a time, and being grateful for all that it holds, the good and the possible hard things in it. Because life is what we make of it. And I just betcha by golly that knowing what I know about you from your sweet blog, that your mama and daddy did just that. They lived one day at a time, gave it all the gusto they had, and at the end swept the mistakes away, and concentrated on the good stuff that they would carry with them into tomorrow. And out of all that???? came YOU! Yay for all of us . The sun will come out! Maintain that Moto girl for all that makes you grateful for your life today. All that complaining about the "hard life, hard times, LIFE is hard" that we hear...People really overrate it.
    Those are the times that forge us and make us the stronger women that we are, Baby!!! Yeah! It's okay to reflect, ponder, be sad, wonder,'s part of being a woman. We Are Relational to the core. But it also makes us cheerleaders, sisters, hugging, loving, laughing, crying, wa-hoo girls that we are!!!! So do what you gotta do and wade through your thoughts and walk out with a happy heart Jayme!!

  5. Questions without answers are life's thorns IMO.

    Sometimes I 'go there' and play with the horrible what if's and let them lead me to their grim conclusions. And usually I realize that, though terribly sad, I find I can bear it by facing the possible horrid truth.

    Whether they were happy, content, fulfilled....I see the fruit of their life together via YOU. And having happy, well-adjusted adult children has become my ONLY desire and dream.

    love ya...

  6. So sorry Jayme. I don't know the circumstances of their deaths, but I can tell you are still hurting after 8 years. So sorry. I know a little of what you feeling...I think. My mom told me 4 days before Christmas that she doesn't love my Dad (married 39 years) and hasn't for a long time. I'm 34 and it really hurts. She is in the hospital right now too. So...I don't know...I can just relate to your hurt. Take care and rest up. Don't be too hard on yourself for letting some things go around the house while you take a moment to "feel". ((Hugs))

  7. Sending some good thoughts your way. I can see this is just too painful to talk about. Mom's dementia has made her more of a friend than a Mom, so she shares with me her life with Daddy. She struggled and worried, lots of disappointments along the way. But she often says she wishes she could do it all over again. That's my marriage too. Hard years, sickness and worry but after 40 of them we are best friends, a team. Stay busy and this day will pass...

  8. Praying for you, Jayme, that your aching heart and spirit will soon be free of the fog...Love ya...and lots of hugs coming your way.

  9. Jayme,

    HE sent you an answer today to your "what ifs" ... He sent the fog. It's not black. It's not white. People are never continually happy or sad. There are perfect patches of clarity in fog and there are spots that you feel like you are alone and lost -- such is life; yours, mine, your parents'.

    You were loved, little girl. You are loved, my friend.


  10. Words just don't seem like what you need right now. Here's a big cyber hug instead!

  11. I can't add anything more beautiful or profound from what your precious blogger friends have already done. So I'm with Amy...and more words are not needed.
    So hugs, big hugs, lots of loving and some chocolate might help!
    Praying for you sweet thing. xoxo

  12. Hi Jayme. I'm usually just a reader of your blog but I wanted to comment on this post. I recently (last week) went through a hard time with the death of my Grandmother. I don't know your circumstances but I do know that we do have to keep on moving, don't we? The sad days will come but we have to do the best we can with the life we're living here on earth. Sometimes those foggy days are needed if only to reflect and remember and then you can move forward.


  13. I call them 'triggers'.

    Hi - I stumbled on your blog some days ago from who-knows-where & I've been following you ever since.

    I feel you on this one - but in a different light. My emotional triggers are when my husband packs.

    You can read it here:

    I'm an Army wife & well basically, as you might imagine packing is a sign of leaving - deployment, training, gunnery exercises...long stretches apart when I'm on my own to handle whatever may come our way.

    Thank you for such an honest post. I have a pet peave with bloggers who are sunny 24/7. It was really nice to know that there is someone else out there like me who has gray days & isn't afraid to talk about it.

    Much love & sunshine to you from an overseas Army wife,

  14. As Anne would say, "tomorrow is fresh with no (mistakes) sorrows in it. I've asked myself many of those same questions...still do. I've cried myself to sleep and then awakened to the beautiful gloriousness of God's creation and am reminded, once again, that he is in control and he has all the answers. Then I give it all to him and let him deal with it!!!!!
    Remember, if we don't climb the mountain, we can't see the view!!
    Hope your day is happier tomorrow!!

  15. As Anne would say, "tomorrow is fresh with no (mistakes) sorrows in it. I've asked myself many of those same questions...still do. I've cried myself to sleep and then awakened to the beautiful gloriousness of God's creation and am reminded, once again, that he is in control and he has all the answers. Then I give it all to him and let him deal with it!!!!!
    Remember, if we don't climb the mountain, we can't see the view!!
    Hope your day is happier tomorrow!!

  16. ** hugs **

    ...and I hope writing it out was a good purge, and that your day ended on a more cheerful note...

  17. Thems the blues you've got. I know all about 'em.

    My heart is such that it can turn inside out with some of those very same questions. I think probably they were happy and they were a little sad. They were satisfied and maybe a tiny bit unfulfilled. Right? It's all part of the human condition. Nothing is ever perfect or the way it really seems to be.

    You and I, we shall break our backs making sure that we are fulfilled...and I like that. We're hens of a feather like that. We know too much not to be.

    I love you and your sensitive soul.

    But I'm still mad that you went to the camper museum without notifying me...

  18. Well, did you poke your head out tonight?? My of those "end of the world" nights. Fog so dense I could hardly see 10 foot in front of the car!
    Glad to be home...tucked in for the night!!

  19. I understand this sadness! My parents' anniversary was the 5th. They would have been married 50 years if my Dad had not died of a heart attack 6 years ago. :(

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