Spilling the Jelly Beans

See that picture right up there?

It literally makes my mouth water. 

I have to keep swallowing whilst I'm typing this.

If you've been a reader for any length of time - you've known about my weight struggles - I've been very open about them.

I'm here to say, that I still struggle.

I gained back 40 plus pounds during the nightmare of last year.

Now, I just have 25lbs to lose again.

And it will be lost.

It's definitely not something that is 'once and done'.

Food is an integral part of our lives.  It's our culture, it's our memories, it's our celebrations.

The dangerous part is when it becomes our friend, our comfort, our lover - or - our addiction.

I've had a very unhealthy relationship with food - a very unhealthy body image.  A couple of years ago

I felt like I 'got it' - like I was really on a roll with things - eating fabulous healthy food and it made me feel terrific.  But I was SO focused on the scale, so focused on what size pants I was wearing.

It was mortifying, debilitating and embarrassing to feel my pants getting tight once again.

  I have to say - I eat the way I eat now because it is a healthy way to live.  My thoughts as I fill up my grocery cart with pure, whole, real food - fruits, veggies, good quality meats - my thoughts are 'I don't want to die before my time' 'I want to feel good' 'I want to have energy' 'I don't want to get cancer'.

I really rarely think about my waist size.

I believe that it will take care of itself as long as I continue to eat this way.

I went from a size 26 to a size 4.

(the photo to the right is me in a size 8)

I mean - seriously - that's phenomenal.

But guess what?  I still felt fat.  I thought my thighs were flabby and my upper arms Aunt Bea like.

I was making peace with it though, and realized how twisted my thinking was when a friend asked me 'how did you feel at a size 4?' - and I replied 'I felt like I was getting there'.

I'm 5'8" and I was in a size 4.  What did I want to be?  A zero?

Getting there?  Did I want to evaporate?

I also thought my head looked much too thin and my ears stuck out.

My breasts were the size of kiwis.

Past their prime kiwis at that.

I think I should have stopped at a size 8.

Little people, why can't we just love ourselves?

I've openly said in the past that I'm a food addict - I'd like to clarify that today.

I'm a sugar addict.

The definition of addiction via Dictionary.com

ad·dic·tion

  

noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physicallyhabit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Origin: 
1595–1605;  < Latin addictiōn-  (stem of addictiō ) a giving over, surrender. See addict, -ion

I have no trouble whatsoever saying 'no thank you' to an extra helping of sauteed broccoli.

I can stop at one sweet potato.

I don't have an emotional attachment to cauliflower - although it's one of my favs.

But sugar? Or anything sugary?

Hold on.

I have no control, none whatsoever.

I go into a trance and I eat it til there is no more to eat.

I was so fooling with myself thinking that I could have a little here and there.  

I was fooling myself thinking that I could sweeten my tea without consequence.

And sweeten my tea I did.  I ate perfectly all the live long day - but just drank tea, and a lot of it - each mug had a heaping teaspoon of 'raw sugar' or honey.  So basically - my tea was like a hummingbird feeder.

Now, for some of you - this will sound familiar - and for others - perhaps the lucky ones - you'll find it ridiculous.

I couldn't be trusted in a drug store alone.

I needed to 'psych' myself up before I went anywhere alone.

The pull to Dairy Queen, Starbucks, or anywhere that sold my 'drug' of choice was such a temptation.

I would tell myself I could have one 'treat' a week.

Really, a treat?

Something that kills me - is a treat - I'm not even going to go there right now.

My once a week treat turned into five times a week, to five times a day.

Then I'd go cold turkey from sugar and buy some figs and dates, and end up with diarrhea because I would eat whatever I bought all up in one day, or one car ride home from the store.

Then I'd have six oranges in one day.

My brain chemistry was hijacked by sugar.

My brain demanded it - and I succumbed.

I could never last over a week or so.

It.always.won.

The truth is sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine.

The truth is - it was ruining my life.

I was a slave to my cravings.

My moods were affected by it.

I was not living the life I wanted to live.

I've been deep in denial - thinking I could somehow manage my addiction, but it was managing me.

The months of October through April are the worst for sugar addicts.

Good grief - Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter.

Give me a break!

My breaking point came about 2 weeks ago.

I went to Hobby Lobby. 

Alone.

Easter candy abounds.

The sweet, chewy jelly beans.

The soft Peeps.

The creamy nougats ensconced in chocolate.

I bought a half pound bag of jelly beans.

It was gone before I made the 20 minute trip home.

I was eating them as fast as I could - and hating myself with every mouthful.

I literally had no control.

I kept telling myself  'Jesus Jayme - you can have some of these tomorrow- you don't have to eat them all now'.  Ha.  I wish.  The sad truth is that if I had bought a pound bag of them, I would have eaten a pound - the same is true of a 2#, 3# - 10# bag.  However, the 10# bag may have lasted more than a day.

So, right then and there - I knew I was in some deep sh*t.

I knew I had just set myself up for a few days depression, bloating, brain fog, and general self loathing.

I went cold turkey.

Hard core cold turkey.

Like - what little processed food I do use (like a canned tomato sauce) I read the labels and make sure there is no sugar.  I drink my tea unsweetened.  I don't even trust myself with honey for the moment.  It's been two weeks since I've had a grain of sugar.   

I'm here to tell you the first few days were hell.

Drinking my beloved Tazo Awake tea without sugar?

What's the point of living?

I felt that I would have done shameful things for a Snickers bar.

But - I got through it.

Now...when I eat that orange?

It tastes like candy.

Oh - and I only allow myself one fruit a day.

Figs aren't allowed at the moment.

I'm a bit over dates - so I'm safe there.

My head has cleared, my mood stabilized.

I'm sleeping like a log, I've lost weight.

I don't have that bloated feel - my mind is sharper.

I have a lot of energy, and in general - everything in my life is much better.

I take it one day at a time.  I never want to get cocky again and think 'I got this'.

So far today-I've been sugar free.

I plan on going to bed tonight saying the same.

I feed myself real food three times a day, sometimes I have a snack.

It's always real food.  Protein, veggies.

I really enjoy my food - it's delicious!

I refuse to graze anymore - and I don't eat a few hours before bed.

I tell myself I'm beautiful no matter what size I am.

I like my life better sugar free.

I baked Glenco and Aaron some gluten free peanut butter cookies - and they smelled divine.

There was just a moment of a temptation - but it wasn't bad at all.

It wasn't demanding like it had been in the past.

I was in control.

For today - I'm just not willing to give up my life, my happiness, my well being, my health, and more importantly - my joy - 

for a flipping cookie.

If you feel that you struggle with this - I'd be more than happy to talk to you - support you in anyway I can.

Please feel free to write.

Seriously - life is much too short for this foolishness!

If you are one of the lucky, blessed, fortunate ones that doesn't struggle with a sugar addiction, please get on your knees right now and thank your Maker.

Amen.