On Failing Version 2.0

Mercy sakes alive.

I love you guys.

I've gotten so many wonderful emails - and just now I got off the phone with my dearest friend reading me the riot act - she just read the blog.

I read all of your comments several times over.

I gots some clarifyin' to do.

Before I go any further though - I do want to say that the Whole 30 is on like donkey kong.

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring, and I'm determined to make it at least 23 days - thus improving on my best score to date of 22 days.  

: -)

I do hope that you will check in here everyday and leave comments of your struggles and victories, and we can support each other.  

So - please be ready to roll as of tomorrow morning, and please don't have your 'Last Supper' tonight.

Ok..the clarification.

Do I consider myself a failure?

Negative.

Do I consider myself unacceptable because I ingested a Starbucks beverage?

Do I consider myself a failure if I eat something that's not healthy?

Do I consider myself a loser cause I'm 20lbs overweight?

Do I think I'm unattractive?

No.

Nein.

Niet.

I really don't.  I really do think I'm all of that and a bag of  baked sweet potato chips.

I really do.

I think I have great qualities, and that I'm not half bad looking.

If I could be anyone in the world - I'd choose me.

The truth is I try really hard to live my best life, and I get really frustrated with myself when I make choices that are not in that best interest.

I know I'll never be perfect, and really it's not what I strive for.  I just strive to be 'my' best.

I strive to let behaviors go that do not serve me well.

I had to declutter the house because I couldn't live my best life in a mess.

I decluttered my body because I couldn't live my best life at 250lbs.

This is the deal - and I hope I explain myself correctly - because I'm still feeling the affects of eating off - because let's be honest - it didn't stop with Starbucks - Starbucks turned into pizza, turned into Dairy Queen, turned into Hersheys - you get the drift.

Do I think that there is anything wrong with those foods?

No - I don't.

I think they are all delicious and have a place in life.

I don't see a thing wrong at all in having them.

In fact - if you were to eat them exclusively - and if you could tell me with no reservations that you felt that you were living your best life while eating them, and feared no consequence of health ramifications in the future - I'd say 'lucky you!'.

It's really not that I'm a few pounds overweight that I'm scolding myself over - 

what I feel that I'm scolding myself over is this:

I cannot live my best life eating those foods - and yet, I eat them.

Now - for some of you - you can have moderation.  You can say 'well - wasn't that pizza delicious?' and go on about your life as if nothing has happened.

For me?

I can have that pizza - and then for about a week - I'm bloated and feel like I'm digesting gravel.

If that was all that happened, I'd say - "Heck!  Pizza once in a while is so delicious that it's worth feeling like that!'

But for me - pizza, ice cream, cake - anything refined, with sugar, dairy, flour or any chemicals of any kind - artificial flavors or colors causes this:

Confusion. Depression. ADHD.  Chronic pain. No impulse control. 

I get paranoid and think that no one likes me.  

It takes every ounce of mental energy I have to make it through the day.

Basically - I cannot function.

Glen comes home and I look like a homeless bum, the bed isn't made, I have no clue what I'm having for supper, the cats are hungry and basically I've been binge watching Netflix or I've been on Pinterest all day.

When I eat clean for long periods of time, and then 'treat' myself - it's even more pronounced.

Basically - when you feel like crap ALL of the time - you get rather used to it.

But - when you feel REALLY great for a long time - and THEN feel like crap - well - it's a bit unbearable.

Since my weekend 'treats' - I've not been very functional this week.

I'm so scatterbrained I cannot function well during the day - and find myself just a frustrated, distracted mess.

I literally can't finish anything.  The bed hasn't been made in two days.

Now - ya'll know me - that's just not me.

Is it OK?

Ya - it's not going to end the world - and I'm not saying that there is anything WRONG with not making the bed...but it snowballs into other things.  The next thing you know - you haven't showered in three days, and you are forgetting things, and your brain is screaming 'just give me more Starbucks and I can function!'.

It's a vicious cycle.  

THAT'S what I'm scolding myself over.

I know FULL well when I sit down with a grilled cheese sandwich - that I've basically scheduled some 'me time' on the calendar for a few days of being unable to function.

Who in their right mind would do such a thing?

When will I just settle down into acceptance over this?

Surely - you wouldn't tell an alcoholic that they could drink in moderation.

Surely - you wouldn't tell a gambling addict to 'stay away from the boats - just play the scratch and win tickets once in a while'.

Yet - food addictions, intolerances - or whatever it is you want to call it are real - and no one wants to admit it - acknowledge it - or believe it.

I do believe in the future - the NEAR future - it's going to explode on the scene as the 'newest thing'.  I think people are finally starting to wake up and realize that what they eat directly affects their moods, thoughts, actions, and all in all - the quality of their life.

So that's why I get so frustrated with myself.

I cannot tolerate something outside of myself having control over me.

Does that make more sense to you now?

I hope so.

The good news is that I'm 93.5% better than I was when I first started this journey.

And for that - I acknowledge how far I've come, and how persistent I am.

My hope and belief is that this Whole30 will heal my gut and help me heal my food issues.

The goofy thing is - I really enjoy my healthy food.

I'm not suffering in any way!

The healthy fruit smoothie I make tastes way better than a Dairy Queen Blizzard to me.

So I'm just trying to figure the heck out why I would basically eat something that doesn't even taste good and causes me such distress in every way.

I know this might sound dramatic - but I honestly believe that stumbling over this same issue - over and flipping over - is robbing me of my destiny.

I feel that there are good and important things for me to do in the world.

The thought of some 'food' robbing of that?

Well - that really pisses me off.