Death by Triangle Pose - A Greek Yogurt Tragedy

I know.
Today's post was supposed to be about my icy hiking trip.

Tomorrow - I promise.

After today's turn of events - I had no choice but to blog about this.

Yoga class.

The Yoga studio was kind enough to let me opt out of Boot camp and go to a Yoga II class on Tuesday mornings.

Namaste baby.

I'm still not quite over my illness, but I thought I'd be good to go.

Let me preface this by saying that I discovered this product recently:

Pretty balanced in carbs and proteins, I thought that they might make a good breakfast or snack while I was away.

I packed a cooler full.

Did I mention I was sick and feverish when I was packing?

If you've been around the blog long enough - you know I don't eat dairy.

You know that it makes me bloated, smelly, depressed, achy and promotes symptoms of menopause.

I just thought it would 'be ok' for a couple of days, and that I could deal with a little bloating.

I hate eating out every meal when I go away.

Hate.

It.

I ate six in the last few days.

I entered Yoga class today full of promise.

I unrolled my lovely mat and thought I was looking pretty good in my new yoga pants and tightly fitted v-neck 3/4 sleeve gray t-shirt.

My breasts looked good.

I'm just saying.

It was all smoke and mirrors and a good bra - but for all practical purposes - they were looking good.

My bare feet looked lovely as I sat in lotus pose waiting for class to begin.

There was peace, tinkling music and a lot of elderly people.

I was feeling it.

We started out by lying on a bolster 'opening our sternum'.

My breathing was seamless.

I was in the zone.

In my mind's eye I was lean and limber and entertained thoughts of becoming a yogi master and teaching this very class one day.

I imagined myself floating around the class so graceful - blabbering about chakras.

I decided I'd start listening to tinkling music at home, and burning incense, and talking softly and slowly - about important things.

Then we stood up.

I noticed every time I bent over, I felt quite faint.

Oh gosh - really faint.

Faint, like as in - I'm gonna faint.

And we kept bending over.

Over and over.

I thought maybe my ears were all plugged with snots and I'm just off balance.

Then I noticed a sensation that I've never felt before.

Skin aflame.

Slight heart palpitations.

Sweating.

Nausea.

I was in triangle pose and I was holding on to it for dear life.

I began to shake and I thought I was going to go down - right then and there - and sheer willpower - not wanting to be embarrassed kept me vertical.

For five more seconds.

Go down I did.

I tried to do it gracefully, and I think I did - but the yoga instructor came by to make sure I was OK.

I nodded 'yes, yes - just still perhaps a bit too sick to be out' is what I said - but I was hoping some how or another he heard 'I'm dying - call 911'.

I sat there trying to cool off, calm down and not vomit as I watched all the obese 75 year old women in the room holding the pose.  I was scolding myself sharply.

"Jayme!  Why didn't you take care of yourself when you were younger!?  Why did you go to Dairy Queen so much!?  Why don't you exercise more??  You can't even do 20 minutes of yoga without dying!"

It was right about then I realized what was happening.

Sure, I'm still a little sickly - but a triangle pose shouldn't kill me.

I did a half marathon for goodness sakes!

I lift weights!

It was a bloody hot flash.

An epic hot flash.

A Greek yogurt dairy inspired hot flash.

I've never felt one like it.

I was on fire.  I was dying.  I wanted to strip nude and run outside and find a dirty snow bank to roll in.  I wanted to puke and faint, and roll up in the fetal position.

After a couple of minutes I was able to get back up - and do the rest of the class with no trouble.

I left feeling refreshed, a little taller and much calmer.

Hot flashes.

Please tell me - how in the world do you endure them?

Endure them I won't.

I've not had one since I started eating clean, and I've never had one as bad as today - and I shan't be eating dairy again if that's the effect I'll get.