This might not be a good idea.
Kinda like walking in a blizzard.
I'm in my almost 3pm fog.
I feel like I'm getting sick, but I know it's just from dusting today.
The dust allergy that plagues me seems to be worsening.
I may have to live in a bubble soon.
A real bubble - unlike the mental and emotional bubble that I reside in now.
So, if you don't hear from me, that's where I've gone.
In a bubble.
So, I'm sitting here in my kitchen, at the island, watching the cursor blink, and I'm not sure how to start this.
You see - it's these 'real' blog posts that make me feel downright vulnerable.
Cause I know there are so many of you out there that have REAL problems.
Real ones, like cancer, and foreclosure, and divorce.
Due to the mental bubble I try to stay in - my problems tend to be more like 'gee, the Swiss chard doesn't look too good at the market today' and 'golly, there's an awful lot of chicken poop on the backporch'.
So, I apologize for my problems - but because they are my problems - they seem big.
And, in reality - they are.
Remember my quote by Ralph Marston - 'In every frustration, there is a seed of opportunity'.
I've decided to ACT on my frustrations.
Let's get down to it, I'm just gonna spill the beans.
There are three things driving me right up and batty of late.
If you are a new reader to the blog - you might not understand the close relationship I've had with my nephew since birth.
It's like he's my own.
He has the nerve to grow up.
He has the nerve to make his own decisions.
Some of his decisions have caused me to lose sleep.
One day - and I'm not being dramatic - I couldn't speak.
I couldn't utter a word.
Me, Jayme - rendered speechless.
It's not like he's doing anything completely out of the ordinary.
I guess he's being a teenager - it's just that I have no reference point.
It's just that I've babysat the punk full time since he was 2 - and was completely in love.
For the last two years I homeschooled him - and honestly - they were the best two years of my life.
I adored our 'Lattes and Literature'.
Drinking caramel lattes in the dappled sun on the couch.
I loved our science experiments, and our 'Field Trip' days.
I loved how we laughed until we cried every single day, and had 'Opera Days' and 'British Accent Days', where you couldn't speak unless you sang it, or spoke in a British accent.
I miss teaching him how to cook.
I miss talking to him about the future, and telling him he can do anything he sets his mind to.
I miss the smell of pencils, and hearing my sister's car tires on the gravel driveway every morning at 7.
It's all gone.
It all happened so fast, his decision to go to High school.
I've gone from having him 60 hours a week to 6.
All in all it wouldn't be bad if he was doing what I wanted him to do.
Please re-read that sentence.
That's what it really boils down to.
I've had to block him on Facebook.
My heart can't take his updates.
I can't control him.
I can't ground him, or address his behaviors in a way that have consequences.
I can talk to him.
And I do.
He spent the night last night like he does every Wednesday night, and as I was tucking him in, he grabbed me, kissed me and told me he loved being here.
I live for those moments.
When we are together, it's still fabulous. He treats me with respect. He won't swear around me, and still acts, for the most part, like the Aaron I knew.
I worry about the bad decisions he's making and how school is just a social event.
I just worry.
And I gave up worrying on Dec. 2nd, 2010. I did.
My default setting is love. I will love no matter what, no matter how hard, no matter when it seems pointless.
I choose love.
I will live in peace.
It's just been an emotional roller coaster.
The Fact That I Can't Visit All Your Blogs.
Are you rolling your eyes yet?
This has plagued me since I start getting comments.
I don't have the time to respond to them all, or make rounds to all your blogs.
It really bothers me.
I want to, I just haven't the time.
I can't stand the thought of hurting someone's feelings.
If I have ever appeared rude to you, please forgive, k?
I know I'm horrible at returning emails too-I am so working on that.
You do know you can add me as a Facebook friend? Right?
Here we go again.
I'm at the breaking point with my health.
My blood pressure is up. I've always taken great pride in my perfect blood pressure. Serious pride. "Well, I'm overweight, but my BP is spot on". My feet are numb alot, and I'm scared to have my sugar checked. I hurt all over, I feel old, and I'm shocked at how I actually look. (after seeing the recent videos).
I challenge you to strip down and take a pic of you in your underwear.
You might want to tank up on Prozac first.
Without going into too much detail, or sounding too crazy - I'm just going to say a few things.
I've struggled with this all my life.
If you want the full story of my pain, you can read some posts under 'Weight Loss Journey'. If you have struggled with your weight at all, you might want to read it.
I truly think that now that the dust has settled, and Aaron is in school, and for honest-to-pete the first time in my life since adolescence, I have a choice in how my time is spent - I'm addressing things that I was able to sweep under the carpet of 'I'm too busy to think about that'.
I think the reason I haven't had lasting weight loss success is that when I lost weight in the past I would think 'well that takes care of that'.
And I know all too well the constant care and tweaking my garden needs, and now, I see myself the same.
It's never going to be 'over' or 'done'.
I can honestly tell you that I feel that it is a cancer in my soul.
It affects my whole life.
When I had a toothache - I went to the Dentist.
When I had the flu - I went to the Doctor.
When our septic system fell to pieces, we called experts.
I'm such a do-it-yourself kinda gal, that seeking help to 'lose weight' seemed absurd.
It's just willpower, right? It's just calories in and calories out.
Really, if it were that simple, we wouldn't be so disgusted with ourselves, now would we?
It went against every 'pink' bone in my body to hire someone to help me with this - but now that I have - I can't tell you the hope and joy I'm feeling.
I can assure you that I'm going to succeed.
(no pressure there Jaym)
Meet my Coach:
I think I'm going to start calling him 'Coach Fantastic'.
I'll be telling you a lot more about the program I'm doing very soon.
In all the attempts to lose weight - and the temporary successes I've had, I can honestly say that it's not even that much about the weight right now. It's more about the inside.
I'm going to shrink on the outside, and grow on the inside.
It's about being excellent.
It's about conquering the mental side of the fight.
The mental side that says 'I'm not good enough', 'I don't deserve'.
I want to be an excellent person. I want to have integrity, and treat myself as well as I try to treat others.
I don't feel guilty anymore for seeking out professional help.
It was a VERY difficult decision, cause it seemed to counteract the decision I made to be debt free by July 4th, 2011.
And then I thought - what good is being debt free if I'm dead?
For the price of the blood pressure medication I needed - I get this.
I get a Coach that helps me dig through my drivel to the real issues that haunt me.
I get a Coach that points me to the truth, sees what I really am, and is helping me to be that person.
He works with you on a much deeper level that talking about carbs and cardio.
It's an investment in myself.
And I STILL plan on being out of debt by July 4th.
And the kicker?
I joined what he calls a "Transformation Bootcamp"
It lasts for six months.
Think Biggest Loser here.
If I 'win' - beating out 49 other gals in the program, I win.....
And guess when the winner gets the money - July 4th.
There's no backing out now, no slacking.
So, you see, really - in retrospect, I haven't any problems. I'm going to give Aaron room to grow up (you know - all that baloney about 'letting it go' mmmhmm) and I'm choosing peace. I'm CHOOSING peace. (He actually just called me whilst I was typing this, telling me he loved me and he wants to spend the night again since he's off school tomorrow!)
I'm officially and seriously addressing my weight issues.
Problems seem easier to handle when you are facing them.
I'm no quitter.
(I'm feeling confident that my hair will cooperate and tomorrow I'll post the first in the Bread Making Video Tutorials!)