All That and a Bag of Cat Chow

This morning I awoke at 4:30 am in a wonderful non-hormonal mood.

Got Glenco off to work, and then attempted to lay back down for an hour before I really had to get up and get ready for a 7:30am meeting at the school for Aaron.

There was no more sleep to be had.  I tossed and turned and sang songs in my head.

"I'm alright - don't nobody worry 'bout me" - where did that song come from!?

Perhaps I am still hormonal.

I kept looking out the window cause it seemed like there was a light on in the camper.

I oftentimes think a bum will take up residence in The Squirrel unbeknownst to me.

After attending the meeting, I took off to Menard's, our local big box home improvement store.

I'm more of a Home Depot/Lowe's kinda girl, but today, I needed my Menard's fix.

Furnace filters and toilet seats were on the list.

Glenco is going to fuss at me for getting a new toilet seat, the one we have now is just fine, except for the fact that the little clippy things that hold the danged seat on won't stay down.  I've even tried hot glue. It feels dirty and weird, and I wanted a new seat.  $20.

Furnace filters were next - $20 for the best filter there.  I wanted the best filter there cause of dust allergies and touch of asthma I have.

Passing the cat and dog food, I decided to get a large bag of each and take to the Animal Shelter here in town.  $40

Y'all don't know that I found a huge German Shepard dog abandoned at the Jewel store in Chicago a couple of weeks ago.  I brought that stinkin' dog home in my lap while my sister drove.  She was gorgeous and the kind of dog that would be your best friend for the rest of it's life, or yours, which ever came first.  I wanted to keep her, I did - but it's just not conducive to my lifestyle.  Please don't hate.  I took her to the shelter, since it's a no kill facility. I felt that if Animal Control in Chicago had been called, she would have been put down.  I kept up on her progress at the shelter, and don't you know within two days she'd found a home.  That dog still tugs at my heart strings.  I can barely look at the photo.  Law.
*after the first couple of comments, I'm amending this to add that dog was indeed abandoned.  No collar, emaciated, matted fur and long nails - if she'd looked well cared for I would have acted differently*

Anyhow, all of that to say this.  When I got to the shelter I didn't want to give them the cat food.  I kept reasoning to myself that the dog food was enough, that I was low on cat food myself and I should keep it. I mean I'd just spent $40 on toilet seats and furnace filters.  I'm a frugal girl - yes, I am, I'm on a budget and I have financial goals. The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I became with myself that I was being so greedy.  All those poor little cats at the shelter.  I was determined to give that flippin' cat food no matter how much it hurt me.

And it did hurt me.

And I'm ashamed to say that.

I keep thinking about this, and realized that I must be afraid.

Afraid of not enough.

I scolded myself for having such little faith in a loving God that would surely continue to provide for me, and my cats, even if I had 30, and trust me - I could - it's not that far fetched.

Then I came home and read Shannan's post from last night.

More heart pricking.

More realizing that it's not all about me.

And so often, all I do is think about me.

What do I want to do?

What is my destiny?

Yesterday I decided that my destiny was to be broken and poured out for others.

To be available.

Maybe it's not being a missionary to the world, but to my family and friends.

Maybe it's not feeding the hungry in city shelters, but it's feeding the hungry on my own street, in the shelters of their own lives.  Hungry for food, hungry for love, hungry for acceptance and assurance.

I'm always waiting for the Aha! moment where I'm going to no longer want a new toilet seat and feel absolutely willing to give endlessly without fear - sometimes I'm there, and sometimes I'm not.

And that's OK.

Because I want to be there.

And I think that pleases the heart of God.

Amen.