I woke up today!
If you've been around here long enough - you are familiar with my irrational fear of the number 53.
What started as a thought (read that again!) - turned into a belief - grew into a fear -
I had some notion that I wouldn't live past 53.
But I thought it enough - that it became real to me.
I fought it often, and really had thought that I'd conquered it for the most part, until this past week.
As we were on our way to South Bend last weekend, I thought - is this it? A car accident?
As I tripped a little going down the basement stairs - is this it? An unfortunate accident with the laundry basket?
Yesterday - I didn't leave the house.
Last night - I said a silent prayer that I'd wake up today.
I think I'm safe - I'm 54 today.
Most people that know me, would consider me quite fearless.
Go into the beehive without protection? I'm your girl.
Get 25 chickens on a whim when you know nothing about tending them?
Why the heck not!
Drive cross country without a cell phone?
What's wrong with that?
I could go on -
On a day to day basis - some of the things that I SHOULD have a second thought about - I don't -
yet fear has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember.
I had a very clear picture recently of 'eggsactly' what I was doing. It was if I had an idea - and thought 'well let's see what my counselor has to say about this' - and off I went to Dr. Fear - laid on his couch - and let him counsel me of all the things that could go wrong, and why I should fear this situation. He was quite thorough and even thought of scenarios I never would have dreamed of.
Dr. Fear suggests that I completely book myself with events to sell marshmallows so that there isn't a smidge of time left for myself.
He asks questions like 'well, if this is your income - don't you think you'd better get after it? I mean - a weekend free is lost wages!'.
So - I heed his counsel and I book. And I book. And all the while I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of 'how in the Sam hill?' - but I continue to heed the counsel of this scoundrel - and the next thing I know - my joy is drained.
And that's the co-pay of his counsel.
You pay with joy.
You pay with the very essence that is your life.
Your soul starts to wither up into a dark ball and you've nothing left to give anyone else - you've given it all to fear.
A very toxic relationship.
Most of our fears never come to fruition.
The fact that I'm still breathing and sitting on my couch typing this - proves that.
So what do I do today - what action do I take today that can sever this toxic thinking?
Today there will be teeth kicking.
Today I'm pulling out my planner and pulling out of some of the shows I've booked.
I have to.
I will pray for a heart and mind that is quick to recognize fear and all of it's faces.
I will meditate on the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.
I will breathe.
I will eat cake.