It's a Good Day to Talk About Fear

Good news!

I woke up today!

If you've been around here long enough - you are familiar with my irrational fear of the number 53.

What started as a thought (read that again!) - turned into a belief - grew into a fear - 

I had some notion that I wouldn't live past 53.

Completely unfounded.

But I thought it enough - that it became real to me.

I fought it often, and really had thought that I'd conquered it for the most part, until this past week.

As we were on our way to South Bend last weekend, I thought - is this it?  A car accident?

As I tripped a little going down the basement stairs - is this it?  An unfortunate accident with the laundry basket?

Yesterday - I didn't leave the house.

Last night - I said a silent prayer that I'd wake up today.

I think I'm safe - I'm 54 today.

Thankyaverymuch.

Most people that know me, would consider me quite fearless.

Go into the beehive without protection?  I'm your girl.

Get 25 chickens on a whim when you know nothing about tending them?

Why the heck not!

Drive cross country without a cell phone?  

What's wrong with that?

I could go on - 

On a day to day basis - some of the things that I SHOULD have a second thought about - I don't - 

yet fear has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember.

I had a very clear picture recently of 'eggsactly' what I was doing.  It was if I had an idea - and thought 'well let's see what my counselor has to say about this' - and off I went to Dr. Fear - laid on his couch - and let him counsel me of all the things that could go wrong, and why I should fear this situation.  He was quite thorough and even thought of scenarios I never would have dreamed of.

Dr. Fear suggests that I completely book myself with events to sell marshmallows so that there isn't a smidge of time left for myself.

He asks questions like 'well, if this is your income - don't you think you'd better get after it? I mean - a weekend free is lost wages!'.

So - I heed his counsel and I book.  And I book.  And all the while I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of 'how in the Sam hill?' - but I continue to heed the counsel of this scoundrel - and the next thing I know - my joy is drained. 

 And that's the co-pay of his counsel.  

You pay with joy.

You pay with the very essence that is your life.

Your soul starts to wither up into a dark ball and you've nothing left to give anyone else - you've given it all to fear.

A very toxic relationship.

Most of our fears never come to fruition.

The fact that I'm still breathing and sitting on my couch typing this - proves that.

So what do I do today - what action do I take today that can sever this toxic thinking?

Today there will be teeth kicking.

Today I'm pulling out my planner and pulling out of some of the shows I've booked.

I have to.

I will pray for a heart and mind that is quick to recognize fear and all of it's faces.

I will meditate on the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.

I will breathe.

And - 

I will eat cake.

The end.