It's about 11am on a gloomy, snowy Wednesday afternoon.
The last Wednesday of February 2013.
Already - this year seems on fast forward, doesn't it?
I'm sitting in my 'studio' looking out the East window - I love this spot.
I'm about ready to sew some aprons for my Spring Open House to be held here on March 16th.
I do hope you will come!
I find my mind wandering from what breeds of chicks I will get this Spring, to what size vegetable garden to have - a realistic one, or a stressful one, whether or not to raise any meats birds, and if I choose to, how many. I also keep reminding myself not to get ducks.
Soon the work of Spring will be in full swing.
My mind expects great things of my body.
My body never gets the memo.
I've been pushing thoughts of disappointment from my mind that I didn't cook enough soup,
knit enough or 'get enough done' in general this winter.
I'm gonna be real with you guys right now and just share my thoughts and feelings.
I feel scared.
I miss Aaron.
Aaron was up on my couch for a solid week.
The BoyChild is finally well enough to go back to school, but dad gum it, I'm missing him today big time.
There is no one to wait on or dote over.
I never did get sick sick - and I like to think that my immune system is strong from
eating such a nutrient rich diet.
Stop the presses - there's a robin outside my window at this very moment!
 |
| photo from Duncraft Wild Bird Blog |
Flat out made my day!
Earliest one I've ever seen - it's always the first week in March before they arrive!
OK - back to me.
: -)
So my bones are aching for the boy.
I also feel scared today.
About money.
The lack of it.
I'm embracing my self imposed poverty - my voluntary simplicity the best I can.
I think the fridge threw me for a loop.
Perhaps I should have just bought an old used one off of Craig's List.
Does being frugal mean we can't have nice things?
Am I living in a fantasy land to think that I can stay home full time?
My cleaning jobs are getting sporadic, and Glen's hours seem to be whittling away as he gets home earlier and earlier each day.
I hate that feeling of fear that settles in your physical body somewhere in between your
esophagus and upper intestine.
t
Let's just be real and say if I were to drop dead at the moment, there wouldn't be money to bury my corpse in any splendid manner. Nay, I would be cremated, and I'm not even sure we could afford that.
OK..now I'm chuckling.
Law.
I have a brand new fridge chock full of food, my house is paid off, everyone I love is happy and healthy, and I have a warm kitty on my lap. What more could a girl want?
I'm sure we'll be fine - but I have to say - when I get this scared feeling, the first thing I want to do is to run off to Starbucks and beg them to hire me for the 5 to 10 am shift. It makes me think that I could still have a life if I worked those hours. I could still be there for Aaron, Glen and have the life I want here.
Funny thing - I am only willing to work at Starbucks.
I have no idea why.
Perhaps it's my inordinate affection with coffee houses, and the deep down belief that a good cup of coffee can make anything better.
Money is such a false sense of security, and I'm almost embarrassed to say that I'm giving into it right now.
All the very most important things in life - money can't buy.
Health and love.
or
Love and health.
In whichever order you prefer.
I am blessed beyond measure with both.
I could have a bank account full of money, and a pancreas full of cancer.
I could have all the luxuries the world has to offer, and no one to share them with, or wipe my fevered brow if I were sick, which I wouldn't be - because I take such good care of myself.
: -)
So you see - I am rich.
Just broke.
Not poor.
This too shall pass.
OK - really really - next post - a giveaway of two fabulous Storey Publishing books!
Thanks for listening guys.
xo
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ReplyDeleteI'm thinking you need those baby chicks. I remember the days when you used to sit around the kitchen with Helen and talk about the world. Yes, definitely some baby chicks will help.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right! I know you are right! I need them ASAP.
DeleteJayme. Friend.
ReplyDelete1. Change your blog banner. Everyone knows who you are. Take that Tales from the.... mess down and put up a dang warning label that says "God Pee Before You Read".
2. Aaron needs you, he just needs you different. Be different. You can do this.
3. I can't come on the 16th so can you come here on April 13th? With Janie Fox? You should.
xxoo
What's this about the April 13th and Janie Fox? If I can get a free ride, I'll come! ha!
DeleteDo you have any blue andalusians? Oh Lordy, do I love my chickens, but that one in particular.
ReplyDeleteI know that fear feeling you're describing.. the one that takes a hold of your espophagus and wrings it tight. Don't have the solution for when it gets a hold of me though, other than exercise and eating right and maybe swallowing a xanax or two if it gets really bad.
Glad to know Aaron is feeling better and you didn't get a horrible case of the crud. I'd say it's exactly because you've taken such good care of yourself. You.Go.
Now let your mind be quiet again, now that you've purged your worries...you know the saying... Worry is like a rocking chair? It will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.
Shew...I can relate. I think it's just satan roaming to and fro making trouble for you!! Now that you've gotten control of other aspects of your life he is trying to stir up trouble for you in another. :( "Pray up", "read up" and "serve up" to get rid of him!! ;) And don't watch the news. =P
ReplyDeleteJayme:
ReplyDeleteLet me share a little story with you. About 3-1/2 years ago, I was lying in a hospital ICU in a coma. I was dying, but didn't know it (cuz I was sleeping, you see). Anyway, when I woke up a month later to everyone's shock, I was unemployed (I lost my job because I was dying and they needed to replace me), with no insurance (because while I was napping I neglected to pay my premium) and about 3/4 million dollars in debt. I'm telling you it is hard to feel motivated to smile or be optimistic under those circumstances. But with a lot of wonderful friends and 2 kids that love me so much, I am still here. Today, I am close to being out of debt, but definitely not rich by any stretch of the imagination. But I realize the value of love and a good life and the unnecessity of so many things. I never know if I will make it from month to month, but somehow I always do. You seem to be a wonderful person with many good and wonderful people who love you. Enjoy your new fridge... it is the "little" things... and know that not only by Aaron and Glenco, but by many you are loved. I'd say go squeeze one of the chickens, but that doesn't seem like a good idea. Maybe settled for a cuddle with a cat. ;) Snowy hugs & love from Colorado. Pam
love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm right with you. I think it's winter (which, I pretty much hate) and told myself yesterday that I just need to hold on until Spring. Then it'll be sunnier and warmer and I'll be outside more. Like you, I just saw my first robin and other new/returning birds are at the feeders so I'm trying to be positive. Now I just hope my "Aaron" chooses to come home for the summer rather than work across the other side of the state.
ReplyDeleteann
I know that fear, too and I love what Karen said about worry being like a rocking chair...For 10 years we lived off credit cards and an occasional good month when Gary lost his teaching job and started working for an investment company. My youngest two were 8-9 years old and my oldest in high school. All I did was worry and swallow my anger at our circumstances. For 10 years. Then I got pancreatic cancer. And all that worry did nothing to change our reality. Now things are getting better financially, my kids are grown, we are paying off our debts (now including medical bills) and my health is compromised. Not worth it. So yes, enjoy your new fridge. Aaron will never really leave you, and you have your health! Sending hugs...
ReplyDeleteThat FEAR word, (False Evidence Appearing Real) pops up in my life too . . . usually when it is nighttime and I am awake and I get one of those can't get back to sleep kind of moments descending down and around me. I want to scream, HELP, but I say nothing so as to not wake my hubs. Then morning arrives and I feel better . . . for awhile.
ReplyDeleteThe strange thing is though, it always seems that things work out, one way or another . . . it is just the pits though when that "fear monster" grabs me and catches me in the grip.
I wonder if Starbucks would be interested in your design plan for work . . . as a trial. 5-10 sounds like a winner, open, smell the coffee brewing . . . serve a few . . . home for the rest of the day. Nothing wrong with giving it a try, especially if they know up front that you aren't signing a life time contract.
Girl, you really do 'get it', you know what's important and don't sweat the other stuff. It's probably just da nasty hormones rearing their ugly heads again.
ReplyDeleteHey there! I know this is kinda off topic but I
ReplyDeletewas wondering which blog platform are you using for this website?
I'm getting fed up of Wordpress because I've had issues with hackers and I'm looking at options for another platform. I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.
Feel free to surf to my homepage thinning hair on women
You will get over this feeling once warm weather gets here. Seems the blues hit people about this time of year when we feel most vulnerable with the cold weather and all. When the first warm, sunny day arrives, you will get busy outside and forget your fears. Working at Starbucks would be a wonderful job. Get to drink all the coffee you want. Now I have a question about chicks. How long do you need to keep them under a heat lamp before you move them to the coop outside?
ReplyDeleteThose damn hormones and the weary months (JanU-WEARY...FebU-WEARY) have got you down...SPRING is just around the corner...the robin came to your window to let you know...smile girlie..everything.IS.gonna be alright :)Hope to see/meet you on March 16th :)
ReplyDeletekeep the faith - GOD with provide - he always does. my hubby is having work stress, sleepless nights for him & me, grey hairs are setting in, it's a tough life for all - i can truly sympathize with all. i walk every day in faith because i know no better. i get out of bed with faith. which else could it be ... because if i really thought about it i think i would cry. now as you say in the world of worlds our issues or moments are not the biggest but to us they are huge. big big hugs. thinking about ya. head up. keep the faith. & be that chicken lady you are. it's all good. no worries. right? i say humor gets me through anything. ha. ha!!! ( :
ReplyDeleteThinking of you! Really, YOUR PLACE....AND ME...AT THE SAME TIME.....YEAH!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteGlad Aaron is better!! Mine is sick!!
jan
In today's economy you sound pretty darn normal! I have a son Aaron's age you can take care of, can't get him to leave the house :)
ReplyDeleteJayme,
ReplyDeleteSo many of us are feeling the same way. I miss my girl everyday! But we are in luck because we are in the same boat together! Menopause, empty nest, February ! I say just let yourself feel those feelings. They are all normal. Then we really feel it when the good days roll around with sunshine, and maybe a great thrift item we find by accident. Retail therapy. Yoga sometimes helps me or something physical. I love your blog. Thanks for the post.
Sharon
I have two books that changed the way I feel/think about money. I would be happy to gift them to you if I know where to send them. Send me a message at kimberlyannholmes@gmail.com.
ReplyDeleteI do love the sincerity and honesty of your posts. That is what keeps me coming back.
ReplyDeleteJayme, I just happened back over here to see if anything changed and you are blogging still! I'm so happy for that!
ReplyDeleteNow, I totally understand the whole fear of not having enough money. I was feeling that way, too. Then I got a little part time thing that I do here from home and I am able to buy groceries for my little family unit and I feel much more productive and I guess safer. My hubby is still the main breadwinner around here, but I just feel able to contribute to the money end of things and it's helped my sanity. That being said, I don't want to work, either. I want to spend my time in the garden and making a home. I think it's sad that in this day and age, we really can't do that full time any more. It takes a two person income to have a home and it's discouraging. If you're able to make it work on one income (your house is paid for, amazingly good for you!), then ride that out and plant more in the garden and can and freeze your own. Raise your own meat and cut that grocery bill, it will work out. Being happy in your soul makes for a happier home all around, so do what works for you. And, I might also suggest a donate button on this blog because honestly, if you turned this into a daily posting thing, with your wit and humor, I'd donate what I could to keep on reading you each day. Law, woman, you're funny! ~Vonnie, NH
Me thinks that Robin appeared right when it did to tell you brighter days are coming soon. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI'm with ya can't wait for spring! Your garden is so pretty, I'd love to see some gardening posts on how you achieve it :)
ReplyDelete