Living Life in Limbo

Ok - if this picture doesn't calm any hopes you had of my artistic career - I'm not sure what will!

Before I get today's post started - I wanted to give you an update on Lawrence Welk.

When it failed to 'get a rise' out of me - the channel was changed to 'Hee Haw'.
Homeboy knows I was raised on 'Hee Haw' and it got quite a chuckle.

But now it was time for serious television watching.

You know?

We settled in on some PBS thing about your brain - I was just half watching it.

All I know was that there was a bald man telling me what to eat and what supplements to take for a healthy brain.  He claims that the higher your BMI (Body Mass Index) is the smaller and older your brain is. 

Holy crapamoly.  I'm pea brained and ancient.

16 years older, and 8% smaller - that's my brain.

Glen's remark 'Thank God.  I don't know what sort of mayhem you'd have going on around here if you had a bigger brain.'

True story.

It sorta seemed like a compliment.  : - /

What I wanted to talk to you about today was my decision to give up worry on December 2, 2010.

I didn't read a book.

I didn't have an epiphany - although I seem to have them every half an hour, on the hour.

It was just a realization that I felt like I 'couldn't be happy' until everyone else was.

I was a chronic worrier.

The line in my heart between care, concern and worry, was so smudged I had no idea where I was standing.

I had decided that I couldn't be happy until Aaron was getting really great grades.

What if he never did?  All four years? 

I wouldn't be happy for four years.

I decided then, what about after school?  I couldn't be happy until Aaron got a good job, and found love, and a nice place to live.

How many years is that going to take?

I decided I couldn't be happy until a loved one drank less.

What if they never did?

I decided I couldn't be happy until I lost weight.

What if I never did?

That's not even the tip of the iceberg of the things I'd lose sleep over.

On the morniing of December 2, 2010, my fleece covered feet hit the hardwood floor under my bed and I realized that I'd set up my life to never be happy.

Perhaps happy is the wrong word.

I'm pretty 'happy' all the time.

Maybe 'settled' is the word - maybe 'at peace' is the word.

It didn't matter - cause I was doomed to never have 'it' - whatever 'it' was.

I was in limbo.

I decided right then and there it was over.

I couldn't keep it up.

I have no control over people - barely have any over myself!

I can't change the world - only myself.

I started turning my worry thoughts into prayers.

I had to shake things off, cut things off.

It was really hard for a week.

I had to capture each thought, and examine it before I let it settle in my 8% smaller brain.

One month later.

It's much easier.

Perfect?  No.

I can't let myself think or talk about certain things just yet.

It's like a dandelion seed head of worry blowing in the breeze.

So there are some things I won't talk about right now.

Some things I won't think about right now.

Seems silly, doesn't it?

I'm guarding my heart carefully.

I'm realizing my limitations.

I'm surrounding myself with positive people, positive reading materials.

I'm taking this very seriously.

I feel 'happier'.  I feel more settled, and I feel peace.

Have any of the things I've been worrying about changed?

Nope.

I've changed.