FREEDOM!!!!!!

Remember the movie Braveheart? Remember when Mel Gibson screams 'ffffrrrreeeedddooommm'?

I have chills.

That's how I feel today.

Free.

Light as a feather

(which is saying a lot for someone that weighs as much as an adult gorilla)

Joy.

Pure, unabashed Joy.

I'm gonna burst.

Why?

It's not cause I've lost a few more pounds this week.

Honestly, I'd have to go back and look at last week's post to even know what I weighed. I just don't really care anymore.

I've broken free from the chains of calories, charts, restriction and beating myself up.

Something to think about.

Ask your naturally thin friend (you know we all have them, the ones we secretly hate and wish would get fat one day so 'they could see what's it's like')

Ask them if they know what their weight was on their wedding day.

Ask them how many calories are in cheesecake.

Ask them how they stay thin.

Chances are, they don't know.

I'm not saying skinny people are stupid. :-D

I'm saying, they probably don't care.

They haven't spent the better part of their adult life studying calories and fat grams and charting their life by what their weight was on any given day.

My life on the other hand has been charted by my size.

Oh, remember when Aaron was born?

Oh do I. I was almost 300 lbs that day. I was a size 26.

Remember your wedding day?

Ohhhh, yess.....size 14 wedding dress, 183 on the scale.

Remember when we went to Florida?

Let me think....oh yes, I was about 220 then....

I kept my socks on this week. I like chippy, rough rustic things.

Just not when I'm talking about my feet.

Mama Hen would gasp. I didn't want to upset her so early in the morning.

I'm continuing to wait for hunger. I'm continuing to stop when I feel the least bit satisfied.

I've eaten past the point of satisfied once this week, and I didn't beat myself up. I simply thought 'Well, it's gonna be a while before I feel hungry again'.

Food tastes REALLY good when you are REALLY hungry.

I've very picky with my food now.

I will not eat anything 'mediocre', cause I feel it's such a waste of a good hungry growl.

Am I scared? A little bit.

Scared that this won't last.

Scared that I won't 'get what I want' - meaning, endless food.

I made the most delicious and beautiful Lemon Meringue Pie on Monday.

(yes, Martha DOES live here - Ha!)

The fresh eggs and lemons, oh girls, it was a beauty.

Last night, before bed, as I was crocheting, I started thinking about that pie.

Imagine that, there was some actually left. Normally, it wouldn't have lasted about 30 minutes in the house, with Glen getting once slice.

I started thinking about that pie like a secret lover.

Glen was already in bed.

Ohhh, I could slip in the kitchen and have a little rendezvous with that pie.

Just me, a fork and that luscious lemon pie.

I stopped.

I thought 'Food, ya ain't my lover, and if you were, you'd be a bad one'.

I didn't have pie. I wasn't hungry.

I had lunch at 'Noodles & Co' yesterday while I was waiting for Jinksie to be done on the Neuter Scooter (it's a mobile spay/neuter thing).

I got a small plate.

It's looked ridiculously small.

I ate it slowly, it was the perfect amount.

I had to fight the feelings of fear a little....fear that..."well, wait a minute there partner, when are you gonna have a chance to eat something again? You are gonna be out all day, maybe ya just better fill up to make it til dinner".

Preposterous thinking.

Me? Starve to death?

I think not.

I hope that in some way, my journey here can help someone. Time will be the proof if this 'works'. Truth of the matter, I'd rather be chubby and happy, than chubby and miserable.

Please be kind to yourself today.

You are where you are. You can't go back and change a darn thing.

Walk forward from this moment.

Be conscious.

Settle yourself down so you can hear yourself.

Don't get overwhelmed and run to the next diet to lose weight.

Don't run to the refrigerator either!

Be still.

You know what to do.