Maybe I Needed to Be Broken

You guys have been so good to me.

I wanted to share what's been going on - since I've been so quiet.

First - do you realize Aaron is almost finished with school?
He'll be moving back in with me for a brief time until he decides where to plant himself for now.

Can you hear my heart singing from where you sit?

: -)

Over the weekend we butchered 24 meat birds.

That's a whole 'notha post.

Rest assured I'm not sharing photos.

It was a very humbling, traumatizing experience that has forever changed a part of me.

Baby, the turkey is dead.

Just up and died one day, I have no idea why - looked like he was sleeping.

Other than that - I've been canning, and trying to keep moisture on our desert like acres.

Now - this is the real deal - and as usual - I feel vulnerable putting this out on the Interweb, and yet it's my nature to share my life - which I still don't fully understand my desire to do so - other than perhaps helping others, and helping me figure out what in the Sam hill is going on in this mind of mine.

Today I swear I heard a still small voice in my head - which sounded a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger saying - 'I must break you' - to which I had to giggle a little.

I thought about the flax that I used to work with years ago, when I volunteered time at a little cabin in the woods - teaching children what life was like in pioneer times.

The flax was hard reeds that needed to be soaked, threshed, broken, and run through a bed of sharp nails before it could be spun and woven into something useful and beautiful.

I've decided to believe that is what's happening to me.

I'm just cutting and pasting this post that I wrote on the Leanness Lifestyle forum.

I just wanted you all to know where I was right now.

This could be long - and boring - because I'm refusing to use humor at the moment. : -D No hiding this time. Here goes. 

Not too long ago I was blabbering all over the Brene Brown thread about being vulnerable, and I'm enough. 

It's been a summer of cock suckery. Pardon my language. 

A quick synopsis, and I'm sure I'll even forget half of it - but here goes. The summer started out with a bad case of poison ivy - which lead to steroids, which led to me not sleeping for a few nights, and then I got a urinary tract infection which led to a really bad reaction to the antibiotics - which had me off for a good week. And from there - it becomes a blur. I worked myself half to death in the garden in May - or so it seemed. Sometime in June I think it was, I stepped on a rusty screw and ended up at the Dr. for a tetanus shot, which led to the discovery of extremely high blood pressure, which explained the headaches I was having. The high BP was a side effect that I was unknowingly having from taking Effexor (something the Dr. put me on for perimenopausal anxiety). I had to get off of the drug ASAP, and I was rather glad to anyhow -I felt that I was a bit emotionally numb, and the sexual side effects were disturbing for someone like myself, with the sex drive of a 17 year old boy. What I didn't know was that getting off of Effexor after taking it for a year was almost impossible. I tried three times, and couldn't bear the withdrawal effects. 

Eye break. 

I finally managed to get completely off of it about a month ago. I also had a abnormal pap result during that time which was a bit stressful until resolved. I have never experienced the likes of anything like trying to get off the anti-depressant Effexor. If you don't believe me, Google that shit. One man said it was easier getting off of heroin. I was sick for weeks. I had days where I had to sit perfectly still or I was sure my brain would fall out, and all I would do was cry. Horrific. 

Finally, I felt better, right about the time that LS218 was starting. 

I was feeling really good as a matter of a fact. Now? Um. Not good. I'm experiencing what the Dr. warned I could have - rebound depression. Now - I wasn't even being treated for depression with this drug, and I've never been depressed, but I am now. It's awful. I have so much compassion now for people that are prone to it. how long it will last? I'm not sure. 

Last week I had to have my gums lasered - the day before that I jacked my knee up doing squats. I'm still limping. Today I twisted my ankle in the garden and went down, re-tweaking the knee, and now it crunches when I move it. And I'm depressed. 

Lovely picture isn't it? 

OK, all of that to say this. I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like other people view me as weak. I'm used to being one of the top students here, and now I'm the bottom. I'm used to being the life of that party, and now if you are around me long enough I will make you cry. Oh yes, I will. 

I'm working on acting my way out of this - I do get up and stay busy all day - I look for others that need help and help them. I try to spread kindness even though I don't feel like it. I ain't no wallower. I do my crying while I do my chores. 

I've tried kicking my own ass several times. I put my accountability up to a level four to have my ass kicked. Nothing is working. I absolutely feel like I have no fight left in me, no drive, nothing. I open my assignment page and I cry. I feel so battle weary. 

I want to do yoga and meditate and cry and take long walks alone, and then complain that I'm lonely. I want to stop thinking about goals and I swear if I read ONE more motivational or inspirational quote on Facebook, I'm going to lose it. 

I've felt angry a lot lately. 

So there you have it. Jayme is a hot mess. I still deep inside love me and think I'm enough. I still plan on being here, cause I can't think of a better place to be when I'm in a state such as this. 

I am open, I am vulnerable - and it's OK. Somehow, I've felt girded inside just typing all of this here. It's so easy to hide, isnt it? Perhaps in weakness exposed, there is strength. 

I'm trying to treat myself as I would my best friend if she were going through this. Kindness to myself. So easy to say, often so hard to do.