Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Maybe I Needed to Be Broken

You guys have been so good to me.
I wanted to share what's been going on - since I've been so quiet.

First - do you realize Aaron is almost finished with school?
He'll be moving back in with me for a brief time until he decides where to plant himself for now.
Can you hear my heart singing from where you sit?
: -)

Over the weekend we butchered 24 meat birds.
That's a whole 'notha post.
Rest assured I'm not sharing photos.
It was a very humbling, traumatizing experience that has forever changed a part of me.

Baby, the turkey is dead.
Just up and died one day, I have no idea why - looked like he was sleeping.
Other than that - I've been canning, and trying to keep moisture on our desert like acres.

Now - this is the real deal - and as usual - I feel vulnerable putting this out on the Interweb, and yet it's my nature to share my life - which I still don't fully understand my desire to do so - other than perhaps helping others, and helping me figure out what in the Sam hill is going on in this mind of mine.

Today I swear I heard a still small voice in my head - which sounded a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger saying - 'I must break you' - to which I had to giggle a little.

I thought about the flax that I used to work with years ago, when I volunteered time at a little cabin in the woods - teaching children what life was like in pioneer times.

The flax was hard reeds that needed to be soaked, threshed, broken, and run through a bed of sharp nails before it could be spun and woven into something useful and beautiful.

I've decided to believe that is what's happening to me.

I'm just cutting and pasting this post that I wrote on the Leanness Lifestyle forum.

I just wanted you all to know where I was right now.

This could be long - and boring - because I'm refusing to use humor at the moment. : -D No hiding this time. Here goes. 

Not too long ago I was blabbering all over the Brene Brown thread about being vulnerable, and I'm enough. 

It's been a summer of cock suckery. Pardon my language. 

A quick synopsis, and I'm sure I'll even forget half of it - but here goes. The summer started out with a bad case of poison ivy - which lead to steroids, which led to me not sleeping for a few nights, and then I got a urinary tract infection which led to a really bad reaction to the antibiotics - which had me off for a good week. And from there - it becomes a blur. I worked myself half to death in the garden in May - or so it seemed. Sometime in June I think it was, I stepped on a rusty screw and ended up at the Dr. for a tetanus shot, which led to the discovery of extremely high blood pressure, which explained the headaches I was having. The high BP was a side effect that I was unknowingly having from taking Effexor (something the Dr. put me on for perimenopausal anxiety). I had to get off of the drug ASAP, and I was rather glad to anyhow -I felt that I was a bit emotionally numb, and the sexual side effects were disturbing for someone like myself, with the sex drive of a 17 year old boy. What I didn't know was that getting off of Effexor after taking it for a year was almost impossible. I tried three times, and couldn't bear the withdrawal effects. 

Eye break. 

I finally managed to get completely off of it about a month ago. I also had a abnormal pap result during that time which was a bit stressful until resolved. I have never experienced the likes of anything like trying to get off the anti-depressant Effexor. If you don't believe me, Google that shit. One man said it was easier getting off of heroin. I was sick for weeks. I had days where I had to sit perfectly still or I was sure my brain would fall out, and all I would do was cry. Horrific. 

Finally, I felt better, right about the time that LS218 was starting. 

I was feeling really good as a matter of a fact. Now? Um. Not good. I'm experiencing what the Dr. warned I could have - rebound depression. Now - I wasn't even being treated for depression with this drug, and I've never been depressed, but I am now. It's awful. I have so much compassion now for people that are prone to it. how long it will last? I'm not sure. 

Last week I had to have my gums lasered - the day before that I jacked my knee up doing squats. I'm still limping. Today I twisted my ankle in the garden and went down, re-tweaking the knee, and now it crunches when I move it. And I'm depressed. 

Lovely picture isn't it? 

OK, all of that to say this. I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling like other people view me as weak. I'm used to being one of the top students here, and now I'm the bottom. I'm used to being the life of that party, and now if you are around me long enough I will make you cry. Oh yes, I will. 

I'm working on acting my way out of this - I do get up and stay busy all day - I look for others that need help and help them. I try to spread kindness even though I don't feel like it. I ain't no wallower. I do my crying while I do my chores. 

I've tried kicking my own ass several times. I put my accountability up to a level four to have my ass kicked. Nothing is working. I absolutely feel like I have no fight left in me, no drive, nothing. I open my assignment page and I cry. I feel so battle weary. 

I want to do yoga and meditate and cry and take long walks alone, and then complain that I'm lonely. I want to stop thinking about goals and I swear if I read ONE more motivational or inspirational quote on Facebook, I'm going to lose it. 

I've felt angry a lot lately. 

So there you have it. Jayme is a hot mess. I still deep inside love me and think I'm enough. I still plan on being here, cause I can't think of a better place to be when I'm in a state such as this. 

I am open, I am vulnerable - and it's OK. Somehow, I've felt girded inside just typing all of this here. It's so easy to hide, isnt it? Perhaps in weakness exposed, there is strength. 

I'm trying to treat myself as I would my best friend if she were going through this. Kindness to myself. So easy to say, often so hard to do.



79 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Love you to pieces. See you soon. XO. I can't think of many things that a visit with Janie Fox can't fix.

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    1. Your kindness towards me Jen is such a comfort. Thank you. xo

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  3. HUGS! I was on effexor when it was new... About 1992 or so... it worked BUT then my insurance said they wouldn't cover it so I was put on something else. I had 1 week to wean myself off and start the new one. At the time they didn't know or tell the withdraw issues. I just remember thinking I honestly to goodness wanted to die. I understand every thing you have said about it. I think my case was lesser because I was put on a different one immediately but I can honestly say they need to not make that drug anymore.

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    1. You know - it helps me so much to know that someone else went through the hell...lol...sorry, but it does. : -) Thanks so much for commenting.

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  4. OH, girlfriend...you need a vacation...a real one, like to a beach or the mountains, seriously. Also, welcome to menopause...about as sucky mentally as puberty...remember that? The ups and downs and crying and tantrums and clumsiness that led to hurting oneself and being even more cranky and crying? Yep...menopause...the time in my life when I and everyone around me thought I had truly gone off my rocker. Good times. Glad it's over.

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    1. I DO need a vacation. Unfortunately the bank account doesn't allow for something too far from the house. I spent the day in MI on Tuesday and it was good for my soul. : -)

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  5. I'ma come down there when around is home and teach you two how to hoop!

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  6. Jayme... sometimes I read what you write and I see me. This is one of those times. I can't say that I have had all the recent troubles that you have, but I can say that I have been to visit with death and ended up sitting by the side of the road as it passed me by. And I have days when I can literally sit in my office, staring at my computer and out the window and not accomplish a damn thing in hours. And I will give you that same leeway that others have given me. It is okay sometimes to just be. You don't always have to be accomplishing great guns. Just keep breathing, in and out. Eventually you will get hungry and get up and go look for food. Sending love and good thoughts your way.

    Pam (Colorado)

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    1. Pam, you are so sweet. I love that 'eventually you will get hungry' - ha! I'm really ok with not getting much done. : -) It's really ok, isn't it?

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    2. Most definitely! As long as you keep breathing and remembering you are loved. ;)

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  7. "Cock Suckery" OMG. I just repeated that out loud in a store I'm working in today and busted out laughing (or is it burst) anyhow we are about the same age and that is a new phrase for me. It's not the same thing but I remember that awful feeling when I was in deep depression over infertility (before our adoptions) I remember the sadness just rolling over me and telling my husband I felt like I was going under. You have Glen and Aaron to help you through this thank goodness. On a lighter note, the sex drive of a 17 yr old boy? I've been with my husband since we were 16 and neither of us has much energy with an 8 yr old and a 10 yr old. Ah, maybe there is hope for us yet.

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    1. ha ha ha! I wish I could take the credit for that phrase, but I saw it somewhere a while ago, on Facebook I think. Hilarious! Hey - there is ALWAYS hope girl. ;-) And yes, you are right, it just comes in these waves right? This morning I called Glenco at work and said 'hey I haven't cried yet!' - then no sooner than I hung up, I did....: -)

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  8. Drugs, depression and the fact that we are not getting any younger is difficult to deal with for sure. And you have certainly had as much as one girl can take and then some. I agree with Jaimie that you need a vacation. And by vacation, it should be to just RELAX, with no worries about your bees, your chickens, your gardens or anything else. Maybe take Aaron with you! Have fun! Rejuvenate!

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    1. Hey girl - it's every man for himself around here! : 0) I haven't cooked in a week. The bees are still alive, I checked yesterday and the chickens...well, most of them are in the freezer now - but the laying hens are free ranging now since the garden is just about done for. I've been staying in a relaxed state of mind. Amazing how life goes on without Jayme. : -)

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  9. Please don't say they should not make Effexor. I would probably be dead without it. I did go off it once, and had no problem. I was put on something else. I took that a few years, but then got pretty bad. I now take Effexor again. I think people need to understand that what works for one will be different for another. I have been on antidepressants since I was 26. That was 30 years ago. I read your post about a week ago about getting off all this stuff. But some of us cannot. Some of us have true chemical imbalances and we become suicidal. Whether you do or not I don't know. I just know how impetuous people can be, and the results could be truly disastrous if they went off all their meds without consulting with their doctor.
    Brenda

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    1. you are right Brenda....you are so right. I’m sure it’s my cloudy head talking. I just know, it wasn’t for me – but like you said – it could be, and is a lifeline for others. Thank you so much for your comment. I really need to remember that.

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    2. It's not your cloudy head talking... the drug did awful things to you. And many others have the same experience. Brenda is lucky, she has something that works for her. YOU were not warned by your doctor what the other possibilities were with the drug, and there-in lies the problem. You should have had all the information before taking the drug.

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    3. I'm so sorry you have had such a hard time. Effexor has been a "miracle" for me, but if I take my dose too late in the day, I have the same effects you are describing. I hate depending on a drug in that way, but I would be in a really bad place without it. For many, there is little choice. That being said, I urge people to avoid it, for just the reasons you describe. Feel better, sweet lady. Take care of yourself, mentally, spiritually and physically. I miss your craziness!

      Laura

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    4. My husband came home with a prescription from his doctor for Effexor. All I had to say was "Oh, hell no!!". He did some "research on that shit" and asked for a different rx. Thank you Jayme. Your postings alerted me to the side effects. We never would have known. So thankful for your postings, but so sorry you had to go through it all.

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    5. It's certainly a mixed bag. I know that we all have our opinions, and thank God for that - because what a boring world we would all live in if we didn't. I just know, for me, for right now - I do not want to take Effexor. I was prescribed it for anxiety - which it did work like a charm for - but at what cost? High blood pressure, etc..I wish I had been more thorough in checking my alternatives. It was a lesson learned. Interestingly enough - through breathing practice and yoga, I have NO anxiety, even off of the drug.

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  10. Jayme, even when you are down you are an inspiration. I admire your ability to speak the truth and lay it out. Often when we go through hard times we suffer in silence and put on a pretend happy face. It shuts us off from friends who would be happy to give comfort and support if they only knew. When we speak the truth and put our feelings out there not only are we opening ourselves up to receive the comfort and support we need, we are letting others know we've "been there"--we know how it feels--so that when they are in a circumstance that they need support, they will know who to turn to for understanding.

    You've had quite a summer. I wish I could say all of the right words to fix it all. Unfortunately, sometimes we just have to trudge through the tall grass for a long time to get to the clearing. You'll make it through though. You've done it before and you'll do it again. I for one am cheering for you. Go Girl! You can do it!

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    1. Sharlene, your words were a balm to my soul, and you are SO right. SO SO right....it's hard to lay yourself open - kind of like jumping out of a plane and hoping the parachute opens...but....wow...what a ride. : -) My family and friends haven't disappointed. Thanks for your kind, loving comment.

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  11. A wise woman once told me to stay out of the deep waters and play in the shallow water by the shore. It's all just life and it happens Baby girl. I've got a list much like this one. One day we'll laugh and laugh about it all. I also hate the menopause years but am lovin the 17 year old sex drive that you and I laugh about. (I thought it was just a mexican thing) lol. And I don't even feel good!!! Just know that I deeply love you as do many and cock suckery is today's phrase, not really but I'll save it for the next argument! Let me know if you want a take a drive and just shoot the breeze, I'm here for ya.xoxooxoxoxo

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    1. You know I love you. : -) Thanks babe. I'll see you soon.

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  12. Dear Jayme, I have been going thru something sorta similar. My son was in a horiffic car accident in February. After months in the hospital, he is now out and is recovering well. However, now that the crisis is over, I have been feeling depressed and emotional. I think it is rebound depression, too. I sit in the parking lot at work and cry a lot. However, it feels like it is slowly getting better. The dark feelings and anger don't come so often any more. Just put one foot in front of the other and the sun will shine again. A song that has really helped me is a Christian song titled "I will praise You in this storm". Love ya!

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    1. Thank you so much! I will YouTube the song. I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a tough time. I try to remind myself that this is really nothing compared to the pain others are going through. *hugs*

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  13. Oh Lordy that's alot to go through girl. I fight depression everyday. I just weened off one med an finally got to go on another. It takes time for the innurds of the brain to function the right way it should and can drive you MAD during. You will get through this. You have shown you have grit an drive and not even this shall get you down.
    I hope I helped a wee bit of blowing sunshine up yer skirt when yer spirit is down. Hugs!

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    1. Nancy, sweet Nancy. Big hugs and love sent your way. I'm sorry you have to fight this everyday. I can't even begin to imagine!!! Thanks for your never ending support and encouragement!

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  14. Depression is no walk in the park. I've been on various meds for years. I'm one of those that the drug stops working after awhile and then I have to try something else. I have clinical depression and it sucks but I'd be a real mess if I had nothing to take. I hope your depression lifts soon. The anger and hopelessness is what kills me.

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    1. Oh Deb, I'm sorry. I have the utmost respect and admiration now for people that are fighting this battle. Heck, it's only been a month for me, and I'm about beat. You are so strong. Thank you for sharing with me. xo

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  15. First - "cock suckery" will be my new go to phrase. Just about sums everything up, doesn't it?! I am so sorry that you are feeling so miserable and sad and just plain crappy. I am not going to give you a bunch of platitudes or try to pump you up with bs. Truth is sometimes things are not fair and life is not one strawberry field after another. Depression is a miserable pain in the fanny and your poor body has been whooped up on by some powerful medications. If you need to, wallow a little bit. No one will think less of you. That whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is just crap sometimes. Now if you start thinking that you would like to climb up on the roof and throw yourself into the garden, that's a whole other story. So unless you get THAT kind of depressed, take it easy on yourself. Sometimes you just need to just say "screw it" and take a couple of days off. We will be here!

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    1. Hi Suzan! Thanks for the smile. Nope, not ready to jump off the roof - thank God...and ya, isn't that 'bootstrap' mentality a load of bull? I couldn't even find my boots last week! I'm being kind to me, resting, and giving my body time to heal. xo

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  16. I hear your pain. experienced many of the same emotions as you-mine stemming from turning 70. I am healthy,have many,many blessings in my life, but still sometimes feel really lonely and down. Recently I sat and wrote out everything I was feeling. It helped. Some time has passed and I have gone back and reread what I wrote-it all is still there, but somehow I do feel better. I will pray for you that you soon can feel better too. Having Aaron around will help, I'm sure.

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    1. Hi Mitzi - I'm so looking forward to Aaron coming home this weekend. He sure does bring life to the house. Aren't you relatively local to me? Why in the heck haven't you come to see me? : -)

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  17. Sending so many hugs Jayme, you're having a right old time of it :(

    And through it all, you posted the most sensitive comments about home butchering of meat birds I have read.

    Thank you for that, dear girl xxx

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    1. Hi Rachy - thank you. I'll have to share the chicken butchering here on the blog - and yes, it was a VERY humbling, experience. Really hard to put into words. For this city gal - wow - can't imagine growing up with that going on all the time.

      A right old time of it. : -) I love that.

      thank you!

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  18. Sending you a big old Wisconsin hug, Jayme. Hang in there, girlie. This, too, shall pass-although it doesn't seem like it now. You CAN do this because you are a strong, loving woman. Saying a prayer for you as you find your way. xo Diana

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    1. Ahhh...I can smell the cheese Diana! ha....Yes, this will pass. Thank you for your prayers. (send cheese)

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  19. Oh my. Sitting here with my jaw hitting the floor at what a bad time you are having this year. I can't offer a lot of advice because I have never been through a depression or on any drugs/medication for it. I guess I should quit complaining about my hot flashes because that's about the extent of my menopause. And weight gain which is "cock suckery' to me. Wishing you happiness... in time my friend... in time.

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    1. Hey girl! Ya, my jaw is on the floor too! It's been 'ridickerous'. I want a do over summer!!

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  20. I know "they" say . . . sometimes life just isn't fair. Well you my dear have had more "life isn't fair stuff going on than any one can imagine. "Cock suckery" quad tripled! Enough already woman . . . we gotta turn this around for you . . . sure wish I could help! Aaron being around sounds like some cheer up for starts. I do suggest not ignoring the feelings of depression . . . and think it is worth a talk to your doc about it. Let the right professional wrap their arms around you with comfort. You are in my caring!

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    1. Hi Lynne. I shan't ignore the feelings of depression. It's just all so different and new to me to feel this way. I guess I feel it's WAY too soon to go talk to a Dr. - they'll just want to put me on something I think. If I'm still like this in a month? Ya, I'll go. Right now, my plan is to eat clean, exercise, sleep well, be open with my feelings, and see if things balance themselves out in a month. thanks!!!

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    2. Sounds like the best plan . . . not sure why docs want to think "a pill" is the answer. Trained that way I suppose. I sometimes wonder if they know how to "feel."

      Believe in yourself Jayme . . . you truly are a beautiful loving crazy fun person.
      You make my day . . . I want you to feel it too . . .

      A wise sage once told me "never, ever give all of yourself away . . . ever." I learned the hard way. Now I savor me . . . it unlocked the door . . .

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  21. For a woman I've never met, you sure have become very important to me. I LOVE that you're able to put yourself out here. Jayme, don't ever doubt that your life and your words and your willingness to share mean a great deal to a great many. Hating being viewed as weak, feeling betrayed by your body, crying while doing your chores--I've never been into schadenfreude--but it truly helps to know that I'm not alone. Hang in, Jayme, and know that we're all here with you and cheering you on.

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    1. Oh Mari! You need to come visit me too. You are close enough for a visit. : -) Would so love to meet you. I have a feeling we'd talk til the moon came out. I had to look up 'schadenfreude'. : -)

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  22. Praying for you dear friend. Saying that you feel the Lord is breaking you is the same as seeing Him as "breaking" Jesus. There was such a beautiful purpose to all that He endured. He did it for us. You know all of that... it's the devil that is the liar and a thief and he tries to steal away from us all that Jesus has provided. If He is breaking something in us, it's our flesh and helping us to realize that only by His strength, power and love can we make it through this life. It's the "fall" that has brought on all of man's sufferings and it's Jesus who took all of that suffering with Him to the cross. I went through all the hot flashes, confusion and emotional mess stuff for 15 years, but I think we can lean heavily on Jesus and not look to ourselves to figure out ourselves............ hmmmm. Did that make any sense? We look to inwardly instead of looking at Him, the ONE who bleed and died and has power over death!!! We just don't understand all that He allows us to go through, so all we can do is bow our knee and say, "Lord I submit myself to you in this situation, too". We may have to say that many times in one day in many tribulations. I think we error when we try to "buck up", "put our best foot forward", "pull up our socks" and keep a "stiff upper lip". Bow low and cry out to Him for help and strength because He will give it. Even Jesus prayed and ask if there was a way for the cup to pass from Him that He wouldn't have to walk through what He did. But, thankfully, He submitted to the Father's will......... there is a purpose. HUGS and PATS and PRAYERS.

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    1. Hi honey! come back and let's sit in Maple Grove and talk. I'll keep the ticks off of you. : -) You are right - I'm not trying to buck up, and I'm really not even trying to figure myself out. That would be futile! His strength is there when I am weak. XO

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  23. Sometimes God allows us to be broken for a reason. A couple of years ago I went through a severe depression when my son left his wife and family and moved away. We lost contact with him for a long while. I went into a deep depression although at the time I had no idea that is what it was. Most people don't know when they are depressed, but it is really awful. Finally, my husband took me to the doctor and went in with me and told the doctor how I had been because he didn't think I would tell the doctor the truth(he was probably right.) I wasn't sleeping either which made it worse so I was put on sleeping pills and a low dose anti-depressant. I still am taking both, but at very low doses. I can't buy a gun now, but I sure feel good. I plan to get off the anti-depressant and sure hope it won't be as bad as it was for you. Anyway, the reason for this is to tell you God is working on you right now, I believe and you will come out of this better than ever. I did and I became stronger because of it and I can empathize with others who are going through it. Pray you will get it all figured out with your doctor and feel better soon.

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    1. Thank you so much! I truly do feel that these are birthing pains. Will be interesting to see what comes of it. So you can't buy a gun? Let me know if you need one. : -) Thank you so much for sharing your heart so willingly, I appreciate it so much!

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  24. You need to take Squirrel out and just get away for a bit ALONE~. I too think that GOD has a way of needed to talk to us but life gets in the way, we make too many excuses for not being able to stop and listen. I know there have been times in my life that I failed to see it and He finally put me on my butt to where I could not do anything but sit. Then I was open for discussion. You are still being weaned off those pills even though they are out of your blood system. You are still fragile so you need to take it easy for a few more months, YES... months!!! GIve your body and mind time to heal more. Get quiet and into GOD's word, those words are there for a reason and they can comfort you like no one else can.

    I am praying for you.

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers Tammy! That is exactly what I have been doing - getting quiet, and getting alone for a bit each day. Very healing. There is much to learn in solitude. XO

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  25. Your description of depression has nailed my whole life. My sense of humor pulls me through, but alas, I've resorted to meds again. It helps with the major brain ruts (yes, thoughts of suicide were common every day) and with the binging (yes, I still eat crappy and too much, but I can't binge or I get sick). The worst part of depression is the loneliness....the feeling out of step with everyone else getting crap done around you. I still spend inordinate amounts of time in bed each day, but I'm trying to be kind to myself. My little furniture biz has been a boon to my confidence, but I'm physically exhausted that I literally have trouble staying awake past 6pm each night. I take sleeping pills to get and stay asleep, but I'm a zombie until 11 am each day....which leads to more depression as I have no motivation or strength to do anything unless it MUST be done (like picking up kids from school). My biggest struggle is having hope that things will someday get better. The prozac helps a bit with that, but it's a constant battle for me to have hope that I'll get thru each day....I'm tired of the morbid thoughts that run thru my brain.

    Anyway, depression is horrible. It's a way of life for me, and I wish someday to be free of it, but I believe it will be a constant companion for most of my life. My thorn in the flesh. It's a moment by moment acceptance and recognition of what is, and a choice to keep moving forward. There are too many days that moving forward simply means laying in bed all day.

    Peace and hope to you. I loves ya.

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    1. Oh Cindy - I can't stand to think of YOU of all people going through this. You've much too much to offer the world to have to fight this everyday. I'm so sorry! I wish there were something I could say or do that would help. The Squirrel awaits. You know that. Loves you back. xo

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  26. I don't comment often. But I wanted you to know that I appeticiate you sharing with us. I had a rheumatoid arthritis and then a thyroid hit me like a ton of bricks when I was 28. I felt just like you do. Like I could honestly not do another dang thing. I just. Could. Not. I am now 30 and the fog is starting to lift. I hated when people had the answer. And I just needed to do this or that. You are doing amazing with this battle you have been fighting. I have two sayings I love one is "you only have to be kind and brave. That is enough" and the other is "sometimes courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow' " so I say to you. Just try again tomorrow, you are enough.

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    1. Oh your comment was such a blessing and encouragement to me! Thank you!!! (((hugs)))

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  27. Hi Jayme, I'm Donna, over here in San Diego, and I've been wondering where you were. Just want you to know that somehow, at the end of this tenuous string called the Internet, I'm caring about you. Thank you for sharing your life. I don't know how you have the guts, but I appreciate it. I do.

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    1. Hi Donna! Ya, don't know if it's guts or craziness...but I do what I do, and I don't really know why. : -) Thank you for your care and concern, and for commenting.. xo

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  28. Dear Jayme - You are a remarkable woman. Perhaps 'here' is a safe place to fall and be your 'trueness' -- I very much admire that Jayme. I think 'many folk' are posers.....pretenders and you just are not. Maybe our responses will tend the soil of your spirit Jayme and maybe they won't....but, just to say that your faithful readers here plant caring seeds that in its time will grow you back to wholeness.

    Prayers friend,
    Barbra

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    1. Barbra, you leave the most lovely comments. I so appreciate each and every one! Yes, your responses are tending the soil of my spirit, and I can't thank you enough for it!

      xoxo

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  29. I sympathize. I really do. I have anxiety because of pressure in life and ten too many car accidents so Ive dealt with the meds and Ive dealt with moodiness and other people lookin at me funny. But now that I know what it is I deal knowing it will pass. I grab a book, sit by myself for a day and my family knows now is not the time to tell me something bad, and the next day or two Im myself. Its better than my family walking on eggshells because Im snippy or laying on the couch like a rag or in my room crying. Ive learned to deal. And so will you. I was a single mom most of my life and accomplished alone what families do together. I am a strong woman and dont like to feel vulnerable. But Im made of skin, not armor and thats what being human is all about ;)

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    1. Oh Kellie, you are so strong. Thanks for your encouragement. It means the world to me, it really does.

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  30. Was checking periodically. No Jayme (Sad face). I was thinking you maybe gave up on the blogging thing, but glad I was wrong. Ya Hoo! Here you are. Hang in there. I still say embrace life everyday, even if it is from the couch with a cup of tea and sad face. Somedays will be better than others. I get the depressed thing. You've had alot on your plate the last several months indeed! You just took yourself off a drug and I hope that you don't have to go back on one to find your "Happy". Yes, some people find it helpful, but I am an advocate to stay drug free if you can at all costs. What drug doesn't have side effects, even depression meds. Yes girl, this is just another chapter in your life and maybe not such a pretty one, but you will survive.....you will find happiness, strength and new resolve. Taking yourself off that med and dealing with the "big M" and being in your fifties and trying to find the "new you" is no easy task. Been there. I'm on the Jayme boat with ya girl. Hang in there. I'm happy that Aaron will be back a short while to enjoy. Keep us posted. Two weeks was way too long. I was having Jayme WITHDRAWAL! Your not alone, remember that. Pull yourself up girl you can do this!!!

    Debra

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    1. Thank you Debra! I'm on the same train of thought - no drugs unless absolutely necessary. We so often run to treat the symptoms and not the reason for them. So many interesting studies coming out now about gut health and how it affects mental health - anxiety, depression, ADHD - all can be caused from poor digestion and nutrition. I KNEW it!

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  31. My previous psych doctor kept trying to put me back on Lexapro and Wellbutrin, and finally (after a year and a half), I relented.
    Good gravy, I thought I was going to die. I did the same thing as you. I sat there on the couch afraid to move while tears just silently came down my face...and I thought 'ok...if I was crazy or depressed before, this stuff is making it worse...' so I just stopped taking it (and by the way, I was getting these horrible brain jolts that no one ever mentions.)
    Flash forward to now, my *new* doctor told me I didn't need all that mess, that I probably just had dysthymia (hello...I'm a human version of Eeyore?), sent me home with Xanax just for 'those times'. I can't say I'm way better, but at least I'm getting out of bed every morning...
    I always thought you were pretty awesome, and you sharing your struggle makes you even moreso. <3

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    1. Awe, Amy - thanks for thinking I'm awesome. So funny to me - it's the last thing I feel - REALLY glad that you are finding your answers and getting out of bed. We are much too fabulous to be held back by all of this!

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  32. Jayme,
    I have just read all of the above comments. Lots of good advice. The only thing that I would add is to stay in touch with your doctor. I am married to one and take Zoloft myself, not for depression, but panic attacks. Every drug affects each person differently. Effexor may not be right for you, but there are other drugs. If you need help, do persevere until you find a drug that helps you, then try to take the lowest does possible. I meet people all of the time who are trying to wing it with panic disorders and it is stealing their lives. Drugs do help, but they are not "one size fits all". It takes a lot of courage and resolve to keep trying, but there is one out there to help you. I know it. Also, I am 52, and even with the zoloft, the hormonal issues are making me edgy and teary, too. I don't even want to think about how I would be without the zoloft! Also, remember that it usually the people with bad results from a drug who post on web sites about medicines. The ones who get great results don't bother - and there are millions of them! God bless, my friend.

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    1. Hi Bonnie...thanks so much for commenting. You are right, I know I've been reading nothing but the BAD side of Effexor, and I do understand that some really do need it, or another drug. Honestly, and hopefully I'm just just swimmin' in the river of DeNile - I think my anxiety was caused from trying to do too much. I believe that what I'm experiencing now is just my brain chemistry rebalancing. I'm sure hormones are playing their part as well. I am being very aware of things right now, and if a month from now, I'm still a blubbering mess...I will address that then. xo

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  34. Ahh, Jayme. Just letting you know I'm thinking of you.

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  36. I am weaning off Effexor right now. I've read your blog for quite awhile but keep coming back to these posts out of desperation to find someone that understands. I don't know how I'm going to make it. I feel awful. Ugh. So anyway, I wanted to thank you for writing about it even though it's awful and makes you vulnerable...I just needed to know there was someone in the world somewhere feeling like I was. Maybe you will give me the courage to write about it on my blog.

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  37. Oh bless your heart a year later. I feel your pain and pray you are past it all. Some gals are so lucky to never have a symptom. Others get dragged over hot burning coals. I thought peri-menopause was bad until I hit full menopause. Oy! No period for 1 1/2 yrs and then BAM! After so long I'd forgotten the symptoms of PMS. Weepy, moody, high anxiety, bloating, swollen painful bosoms, and cramps. It lasted a full month before and another month after the actual, ugly event. But this was PMS x 10. Oh Lord please do not play any more jokes like that again? Amen! Why didn't our mothers warn us what was to come? And here I sit in June 2014, just found your blog because I am sitting here with a blown knee from over doing in the garden. It's been a rough spring in MI and, now June 8, I am still playing catch-up. Thanks for your blog and your honesty. Loving every word of it.

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