Thank you ever so much for your comments, emails and concern.
It has truly made the difference this week.
Why is it so easy to hide in the closet, hurting, alone - when it's SO nice to be loved and cared for?
I haven't figured that out.
Fear?
Perhaps.
I'm going back after I post this blog post, and I'm going to answer your comments, in the comments.
I'm starting to feel a bit better, and I'm most certain it's because I don't feel alone anymore,
or I don't feel like I have to fake it until I make it.
There IS strength in weakness.
I'm not feeling terribly sad anymore, but still so emotionally raw.
I cry now because I'm grateful.
I cry because I think of Aaron, and I think he's the most beautiful, brave boy I know.
I cry because I know I'm loved.
I cry because I think my friends are beautiful people.
I cry because the fields are ablaze right now, and it's so beautiful to behold.
It's good core work, all of this crying.
Too bad I've been eating meals as if they were my last lately!
It hurts to make a fist.
I don't know how y'all eat processed food.
I'm feeling so bloated and inflammed.
There are such glimmers of hope - I see bits of the old Jayme coming back, but in a much more 'new and improved' way. I seriously don't feel that I need to work myself to death anymore. I'm really over that. I'm over the fact that the house isn't perfect, and I don't care if anyone sees the cobwebs or dead ladybugs anymore. I feel that I've come to know my limitations, and I'm starting to realize that it's much more fun to sit at Starbucks with tea and a book than it is to stress over the minutia of a life of perfectionism.
I'm living gloriously in the moment, I'm being kind to me - and sisters, it's feeling pretty flipping good.
I am enough, I have enough and I do enough.
I started revamping the mailbox garden and it feels good.
Want to cleanse your soul? Get your hands dirty.
And best of all - Clarence and Marilyn stopped by yesterday for a three hour visit. Clarence is the 86 year old grandson of the man, Mathias Weis, that built this house.
He gave me photos of his grandfather, and family - standing here in front of the house. I can't wait to share them with you - and share the story of the house, what I know thus far. I've always said 'if these walls could talk' - and by golly - they done did.
Thank you again - I find it funny how often I feel like George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life' - when he realizes how loved he is at the end, and what a beautiful life he does have.
I'm believing that it's the payoff of living life vulnerable and open.
Hurts like a mother sometimes, but in the end?
Worth it.
I'm going to make it after all.
I love that line....Mary Tyler Moore....but I have to sing it....lol I'm so glad you are feeling better. I always wondered when I read your blog "how does she do it all?" So glad to know that you will be slowing down some and making me feel better...heehee. As always...I love your posts, your honesty, your humor. You should know these lines also remind me of you.
ReplyDeleteWho can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
Hi Lisa! I've always liked being busy, and I'm sure I will always be that way. Life is too much fun, and I want to know how to do everything! Well, don't you know that you made me cry with your sweet comments. : -) I'm going to go put a flip in my hair and throw my hat. xo
DeleteKnowing you for so long, I'd like to bring something to your attn. When we met you were far to the left with projects, putting things off, wt was up. All the like. Then over the past years you've poured yourself into changing all that. The house looks like a flipping mag. and your projects all get finished, your body looks great. However, I think that as exhausting as all that has been, your entering into a time of balance. With a healthy attitude of being enough. Your warm, beautiful, happy, moral and hysterical. (I forgot talented, sorry). Just want you to see what I see, balance, sweet balance. God is so good, enjoy what He's doing and done in your life. Now He can start on me!!! Thanks for taking so long! lol lol love you too much, me
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit the nail on the head. I feel that I've just WORKED and TRIED so hard for so long, I'm truly exhausted. Meet me at Spill the Beans soon, let's have a conflab. Keep the water hot, the tea bags fresh and the honey jar filled....we gots some gabbin' to do!
DeleteI can hardly wait to hear all about Clarence and Marilyn's visit.
ReplyDeleteWasn't the angel in "It's a Wonderful Life" named Clarence? Hmmm......
You are never alone, GOD is always with you. The next best thing is to have others near and far that you can hug or talk to via phone or typing. WE are all in the same boat one way or the other and have experienced much of what you are going through. Finally it’s good to know we do have limits and try as we may to keep up like we use too... it just is not meant to be. Just remember, anyone that comes to visit you, they come to see you~! And those dead crocuses and dust balls….. We have them too….(grinning)We just throw a pillow or rug over them and open the front door and let you in with a smile.
ReplyDeleteI have learned since moving to a new place, I am not super woman anymore, I have limits now to what I can do, and I have to face that. WE have to change our way of thinking and to find they are not important. Giving and doing for others, lifting up others when they feel bad and bringing a smile to someone’s face is where it’s at. That is what you Jayme do best, we visit your blog to see life in all its glory and we know we are not alone in our trials either. You are there to lift us up so we then can offer a kind word back-at-cha’.
Now go get in Squirrel, fling open the doors and windows to let in some cooler temps that are on the way, grab a book and chill-lax, give yourself permission to just be.
Process food!! ICK~~ I am with you on that, talk about bloat city…
Glad you are feeling better. It's a one day at a time life we lead.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you and your recent posts while I was folding clothes and ironing, and I want to go out on a limb here and call the doctor who prescribed you Effexor right out of the gate a QUACK! My daughter, who suffers from social anxiety, was given a much more moderate medication to try and this heavy hitter wasn't even considered! I'm not knocking the folks who benefit from this powerful drug, but can't we take baby steps first? We need to hold our healthcare providers accountable. Too many prescribe drugs with side effects that can make other things worse, including that lifesaver called antibiotics! I want to give that doctor a talkin' to, and I do hope that you consider visiting a different physician or other kind of health care provider in the future.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy cause your happy. You are having some bumps in the road but hang on, you'll git through! May have some scars but enlightened. It is so dang cool to know history of your home. We knew our last home's and this one now. Fascinating. Stay on the sunny side now.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it is the same with you but I have food sensitivities and when I eat too many carbs even if they are gluten free I get a lot of pain but I also get lots of anxiety after I eat them. Something to think about when you are feeling anxiety - I am not trying to be a doctor or say that carbs are the source of all anxiety and depression, but you might want to track your moods and think back to what you have eaten and if it is contributing. I used to push myself too hard also. Then my body broke down and said "enough" and I had to learn to chill. It is hard to stop all the work because it is so satisfying to see it all done and bright and shiny, but I also discovered that to keep everything looking that way you have to work on it to the exclusion of everything else in your life. Glad you are feeling better. I enjoy your blog immensely and think you are very talented.
ReplyDeleteJenny L.
In a way we are all George Baileys...we are not alone:):) Blessings to you Jayme, I pray you will feel on top of the world soon. xoxo,Susie
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are feeling better, Jayme. I knew that you were strong enough to figure it out and find out what works for you and what doesn't. You are a warrior, girl. Those tears are healing tears and tears of joy and tears that cleanse your soul. Blessings-love ya- xo Diana
ReplyDeleteWonderful to hear your resilience . . . what a seriously beautiful person you are!
ReplyDeleteYou are loved . . . Lynne
What a glorious post! All of it. But especially...
ReplyDelete"I'm over the fact that the house isn't perfect, and I don't care if anyone sees the cobwebs or dead ladybugs anymore. I feel that I've come to know my limitations, and I'm starting to realize that it's much more fun to sit at Starbucks with tea and a book than it is to stress over the minutia of a life of perfectionism."
Thank you for showing us all how it should be done!
Sorry dear, you are just plain wrong...smile.. your house is sooo great, you are amazing...come on...give yourself credit. YOU are amazing. You can find people that look beautiful from the outside, like a tv show, but that is just on the outside. YOU have the outside and the inside...make sense?
ReplyDeletejan
LOL.. I sang the Mary Tyler Moore tune too :-)
ReplyDeleteThere's no better way to live than honestly, openly, and yes, I guess a little raw. Live, Love, Laugh, Cry, Hurt, Hope, Heal... you go girl.
Dear Jayme ~ I think this little community that joined you in circlin' the wagons of depression in your previous posting gave strength not only to you Jayme, but, allowed all of us the opportunity to reflect and take the time to be in the moments of our own lives and like you, rise from the ashes (where need be)..... It's the most perfect of blessings to read that your finding your way back to that sweet spot of life my friend.
ReplyDeleteHave a gentle day,
Barbra
Jayme,
ReplyDeleteI had to laugh at the beginning of your post. Last week, I had opened a package of bacon and used two slices to make my husband's favorite German beef rouladen. I knew that the bacon would spoil quickly, so, one day for lunch, I microwaved the entire package and ate it! I felt so guilty, but thought of you and enjoyed it so much. There is nothing, and I mean, nothing, like the taste of bacon and I did not have to share it with anyone! Bliss, bliss! Bonnie