DIY Ovary Removal - A Tutorial

Back in the day when I worked at the local DMV, I had a list of questions I'd have to ask when someone was getting or renewing a driver's license.

"Would you like to be an organ donor?" was among them.

One elderly lady responded - "Well, I really don't have the time today."

"We don't actually collect them today" was my response.

This morning when I awoke with ovaries the size of bowling balls, or so it felt, I thought of stopping by the DMV to donate them.  

This will be my last-ish post on menopause for at least a week - I promise.

Being the DIY'r that I am - I Googled 'home ovary removal' this morning, and to my surprise, I didn't find a single thing about it.

This could go viral.  I'm about to give you a tutorial on how to do it.  As with anything I've done up in here, I dive right in - learning as I go.  I would have never gotten bees or chickens if I knew everything.

Ignorance = bliss.

The first thing you are going to need to do is to stop at your local liquor store and stock up.  I suggest the hard stuff.  Menopause ain't for sissies so don't be bringing home wine coolers.  Puh-leeze.

I also suggest copious amounts of chocolate for after the home surgery, and perhaps a Tylenol or two - or Vicodin if you are lucky enough to have a few lying about.  It would also be advisable to scour your bathroom cabinets for a rogue antibiotic or two.  Keep a glass of ice water handy - you'll see why.

Collect your utensils.  I'm sure you may have what you need in your kitchen drawers already.  Ideally - grill tools would work the best since they are long - and well - I think the ovaries are really up there.  Perhaps I should Google some anatomy photos for reference.  

After you are comfortably inebriated, I suggest sterilizing your tools, and giving your hoo-ha a good going over with some rubbing alcohol.  Now - if you are an overachiever like I am, and you've just shaved in prep for this surgery - good luck with the alcohol.  Perhaps you've ingested enough alcohol that you won't feel it.

(Dear FlowerPatchFarmGirl's dad - I am sorry - you might want to skip today's blog - I'm beginning to think I should have told you that a while ago.)

Get comfortable.  Put on some Kenny G.  Light a few candles.  It's about to get real up in here.

You might want to put a few towels down to catch any mess.

I do believe that canning tongs could work well to hold the hoo-ha open long enough to perform the surgery.  Get creative!  You might want to see what your husband has in the garage as well.

Grilling tongs will come in handy here as you enter and explore.  I think it will be easy to find the suckers - you should know when you hit them.  I have a feeling it will smart.

With one deliberate, firm motion of twisting and pulling at the same time - yank that sucker out.  At this time you might be tempted to pass out - but try and resist that urge - this is where the ice water could come in handy - to give yourself a dousing - hold on to that ovary - you don't want it free floating about your abdomen.

With any luck - it's out.

Now - what to do with it?

"I told you I needed the SUPER absorbent Playtex UNSCENTED tampons!  What's with this Light Days baloney!  You never listen to me!!"

I don't suggest you compost it - it could attract unwanted varmits.  The last thing you want around your property is a menopausal raccoon.

There might be something creative on Pinterest that you could find to do with it, or in some cultures it could be considered a culinary delicacy - I'm planning on just flushing mine.  

So long sista!

I think I need to add a disclaimer here - I am in no way responsible for any botched home surgeries - accidental spleen removals, infections, loss of blood, or mental breakdowns associated with this procedure. As with any medical procedures performed at home, there are inherent risks that need to be considered before you inebriate yourself for this, or any other home procedure.