Thursday, January 24, 2013

DIY Ovary Removal - A Tutorial




Back in the day when I worked at the local DMV, I had a list of questions I'd have to ask when someone was getting or renewing a driver's license.

"Would you like to be an organ donor?" was among them.

One elderly lady responded - "Well, I really don't have the time today."
"We don't actually collect them today" was my response.

This morning when I awoke with ovaries the size of bowling balls, or so it felt, I thought of stopping by the DMV to donate them.  

This will be my last-ish post on menopause for at least a week - I promise.


Being the DIY'r that I am - I Googled 'home ovary removal' this morning, and to my surprise, I didn't find a single thing about it.

This could go viral.  I'm about to give you a tutorial on how to do it.  As with anything I've done up in here, I dive right in - learning as I go.  I would have never gotten bees or chickens if I knew everything.
Ignorance = bliss.

The first thing you are going to need to do is to stop at your local liquor store and stock up.  I suggest the hard stuff.  Menopause ain't for sissies so don't be bringing home wine coolers.  Puh-leeze.



I also suggest copious amounts of chocolate for after the home surgery, and perhaps a Tylenol or two - or Vicodin if you are lucky enough to have a few lying about.  It would also be advisable to scour your bathroom cabinets for a rogue antibiotic or two.  Keep a glass of ice water handy - you'll see why.

Collect your utensils.  I'm sure you may have what you need in your kitchen drawers already.  Ideally - grill tools would work the best since they are long - and well - I think the ovaries are really up there.  Perhaps I should Google some anatomy photos for reference.  


After you are comfortably inebriated, I suggest sterilizing your tools, and giving your hoo-ha a good going over with some rubbing alcohol.  Now - if you are an overachiever like I am, and you've just shaved in prep for this surgery - good luck with the alcohol.  Perhaps you've ingested enough alcohol that you won't feel it.

(Dear FlowerPatchFarmGirl's dad - I am sorry - you might want to skip today's blog - I'm beginning to think I should have told you that a while ago.)

Get comfortable.  Put on some Kenny G.  Light a few candles.  It's about to get real up in here.


You might want to put a few towels down to catch any mess.

I do believe that canning tongs could work well to hold the hoo-ha open long enough to perform the surgery.  Get creative!  You might want to see what your husband has in the garage as well.

Grilling tongs will come in handy here as you enter and explore.  I think it will be easy to find the suckers - you should know when you hit them.  I have a feeling it will smart.

With one deliberate, firm motion of twisting and pulling at the same time - yank that sucker out.  At this time you might be tempted to pass out - but try and resist that urge - this is where the ice water could come in handy - to give yourself a dousing - hold on to that ovary - you don't want it free floating about your abdomen.

With any luck - it's out.

Now - what to do with it?

"I told you I needed the SUPER absorbent Playtex UNSCENTED tampons!  What's with this Light Days baloney!  You never listen to me!!"
I don't suggest you compost it - it could attract unwanted varmits.  The last thing you want around your property is a menopausal raccoon.

There might be something creative on Pinterest that you could find to do with it, or in some cultures it could be considered a culinary delicacy - I'm planning on just flushing mine.  

So long sista!


I think I need to add a disclaimer here - I am in no way responsible for any botched home surgeries - accidental spleen removals, infections, loss of blood, or mental breakdowns associated with this procedure. As with any medical procedures performed at home, there are inherent risks that need to be considered before you inebriate yourself for this, or any other home procedure.

99 comments:

  1. Girl, if they hurt that badly, get to the doc for a little "tie & fry". By the time you are staring menopause in the eye you don't need them and they really aren't good for much. While I can wholeheartedly agree with liberally ingesting quantities of alcohol at this stage of the game, step away from the tongs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh God Suzan you are funny.

      Donna

      Delete
    2. Comments need a "like" button

      Delete
    3. A tie and fry!? Ha ha! Oh man. I'm going to keep them as long as I can.

      Delete
  2. I'm not at menopause yet, but when I ovulate, whoa doggie, does my ovary hurt. My party line is, "Don't mess with me. I've pulled an ovary." I know how you feel...God bless you!!! Hope it feels better!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was hilarious! And you think you are not funny anymore?!? My whole office is in hysterics! Again, I make the suggestion that you could be a stand up comic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jayne, I wholeheartedly agree with Comfypjs. Just invite me to your first gig!

      Delete
  4. I was laughing so hard when I got to the notice for FPFG's dad that I almost wet my pants... which leads me to my next point.. where's was MY disclaimer?

    Hello? Nobody likes wet pants. :)

    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too!

      WOW! Jayme.... tell me YOU aren't good for something?

      I think I was laughing before I even read the whole darn post. I tell you what...you had me laughing at the title... knowing it was coming out of you.... I mean, your humor. Flush that ovary.


      I guess I should be thanking God that I have always had minimal pain associated with my cycle... by the way it sounds. Eh?

      Delete
    2. My cycles were always no big deal - until I turned 50. Glad I can find the humor in it all!

      Delete
  5. I LOVE YA, BLOG SISTER ... you make me smile. i wonder what will happen next??! ha. ha!!! please don't do this allow ... OUCH!!!! !!! ! !! ! ( :

    ReplyDelete
  6. oh my gosh. i'm 32 and on my period, hsould i attempt it too? ;) you are hilarious lady. read up on Maca Powder, supposed to be a wonder for menopause {the ancient incas used it for a 'viagra' so you can even share with glenco ;)}i take it for regulating the endocrine system. nasty stuff though.

    shannan may never peak to you again. her poor father. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just saw Maca powder at the health food store yesterday!

      Delete
    2. and where are the Incas today?

      Delete
  7. Since I am 63 years old, my ovaries are "pretty well shriveled up to nothing"...to quote my Dr.! I suggest you get to the Dr. & have those babies taken out pronto!

    As a side note...I am reading "Call the Midwife" & can't believe what happened back in the 1950's! We've come a long way, ladies. Thank goodness!

    You will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you get this taken care of. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that a BBC series too? I want to keep my ovaries as long as I can.....oy.

      Delete
  8. I started laughing at the sight of the tongs. Ended with tears rolling down my face. Ya betta not stop blogging. I love a good laugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do too! I had tears rolling down my face when I posted the raccoon picture!

      Delete
  9. Love this, and love you!! I can see that this is totally Jayme-menopause-driven, and WONDERFUL. Thank goodness I'm a little farther along on this Menopause Train than you are, otherwise I would be gathering my tools as soon as I hit the publish button here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perhaps I should do a video tutorial! I'm glad I can find the humor in all of this - I can't imagine going through it without it.

      Delete
  10. I was laughing so hard the dog was worried! I love it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha! You know it's bad when you are scaring the animals!

      Delete
  11. O--kaydokka...ish jussh fini (hiccup) fini (hiccup) finssshed step one...ah ah (hiccup)dijj u say (hiccup) use tongsss and I cccan't (hiccup) find a ra
    ra raccoon anysh where? (hiccup)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha ha!! I can see myself doing a video tutorial talking like that!

      Delete
  12. You amateur...everyone knows you use a turkey baster and some wart remover. Fry 'em out and walk it off. I don't need not fancy "anesthesia".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Walk it off...: -) Too funny. Easy for you to say while you are sittin' up in a cabin in Tennessee. Mmmmhmmm...and I don't even feel good.

      Delete
  13. Thank God you didn't stop blogging! Think of the loss to the world.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Forgot to add this! Those headaches that are hormonal are migraines. I know because I had them for years. Finally got the right medicine. Frova (prescription) and any drug store brand Naproxen knocks them right out! I am 51 and going throught EXACTLY what you describe. My last birdy flew the nest, too, so I am right there with ya. God Bless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Lordy girl - we are kindred spirits. Empty nest and hormonal headaches. I thought for sure I had a brain tumor.

      Delete
  15. Just have to agree with Joy...she says it all!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Poor, poor FlowerPatchFarmGirl's daddy. He don't know what he got hisself into.
    As for me and my house...we don't even let those woosy wine coolers in the back door!
    (Looks like you're back, Jayme....you and me both.)

    ReplyDelete
  17. HOLY CRAP!!!!! I was laughing so hard I dropped my phone... And I wasn't even half way through..... I just love you girlie..... You make me laugh soooo hard.

    Tammy

    Cedar Lake

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tammy, I'm just laughing at the thought of that! ha ha!

      Delete
  18. "At this time you might be tempted to pass out - but try and resist that urge - this is where the ice water could come in handy - to give yourself a dousing". . . canning tongs!! a use for ovaries on pinterest, HAHAHA Ü you are so funny!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I should totally pin something on Pinterest that is a craft for ovaries!

      Delete
  19. Jayme, I could have used this two years ago - before I had my hysterectomy. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh dear Lord, I am dying right now!!!! This is the most HILARIOUS post ever...EVER!!!!!
    I'm so glad you decided to stay...ovaries and all, you are loved!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jayme girl you are BACK!!!. Good thing I peed before I read this post. Otherwise I think I'd be changin my britches not more than half way into reading your post. Thank God I had my ovaries removed years ago. Yep, they swelled up the size of golf balls and were all kinds of uncomfortable pain. I was already in menopause and told my doc to just take the pair out and do what she wants with them. I have never regretted it, even when the hot flashes got a bit more intense afterwards, but only for a few weeks. Then things settled down.

    You know, since Dear Abbey ain't no more I'm thinking, hmmmm? Dear Jayme? Whatdaya think?


    Donna.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Email any and all questions about life and love, and I'll answer them! Perhaps - Ask Helene! Ha ha!

      Delete
  22. Oh My Gourd! Finally! A solution to my problems...thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are welcome! Please read the disclaimer again.

      Delete
  23. OMGoodness, this is why you can't stop blogging. I love them youngsters, especially the aforementioned FPFG, but they don't just GET it yet!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully they never will! It's crazy what happens to the human body as it ages!

      Delete
  24. LOL- Watch-this will go viral and some blond bimbo (yes I am blond but am NOT a bimbo) will try this at home- xo Diana

    ReplyDelete
  25. Well hells bells Jayme...why didn't you post this a couple of years ago. I woulda given it a try!

    Cindy Bee

    ReplyDelete
  26. Coop Keeper,
    I needed a good laugh. Thanks for the suggestion with oves, think I'll give it a whirl. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha...let me know how it works out for you.

      Delete
  27. Wow! All this M talk and now this post. You are just a stitch. I agree with the reader that suggests you could be a stand up comic. Like I told you last post, talk about the number of crazy symptoms we women go through. I bet I checked off the majority of the 34 symptoms. Sorry your hurt'n. Its weird how I have been around some twenty somethings alot more lately, well I swear mine are trying to refire. Oh those darn OVARIES, its crazy. Glad Glenco is better and I totally understand your comment on wanting Aaron there with you. Hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I love how you face the difficulties of being a woman of a certain age with such humor! I just had my first (and last) colonoscopy today and I truly appreciated the humor showed at the doctor's office. They have bags they give out with the logo UP YOURS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh that is awesome that they are funny there! You just HAVE to be...you know? I quite enjoyed my colonoscopy - the twilight sleep was awesome.

      Delete
  29. Roflmbo! I just spewed my sweet tea all over the place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry for the mess! Perhaps you should get a keyboard shield. : -)

      Delete
  30. The image of you working at the DMV was reason enough to read this post!

    I haven't heard from Daddykins....he's probably passed out cold somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I loved working at the DMV, the customers always made for good story material!

      Delete
  31. It's 7 something in the morning here in Cali. I just had to show your post to my son, a high school senior, who laughed, and laughed and laughed! Thanks for introducing him to the hoo-ha. It's gentler than what most call IT!!!! Hilarious Jayme! Happy Friday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha! Aaron thought it was funny too. I like hoo-ha. It's much better than many of the terms!

      Delete
  32. HAHAHAHAHA! You are kidding, aren't you? Please tell me you're kidding.....

    ReplyDelete
  33. Not yet menopausal, but all my life my ovaries have been my body's little terrorists. I have wished for menopause, but that's a nightmare too?!? Who'd have thunked it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know - I don't know - it's a different time in life, that's for sure, but let's not say nightmare - let's say - bad dream. ; 0)

      Delete
  34. Not yet menopausal, but all my life my ovaries have been my body's little terrorists. I have wished for menopause, but that's a nightmare too?!? Who'd have thunked it!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Don't be removing those ovaries, you need those for the ensy weensy bit of estrogen you will have when you're done with all this for soft skin and non-droopy breasts. I'm just telling you cause I've been through it and I know! It's so good on the other side... hang on-

    ReplyDelete
  36. I just finished reading a book written by Dr. John R. Lee called "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Menopause" It also adresses the problems of perimenopause. He thinks that most of our problems caused during this time is not due to the decrease in estrogen, but the decrease of progesterone. He recommends using a progesterone cream that can be purchased at a health food store. Like I said I just finished reading the book, so I haven't tried the cream yet, but I plan to. You might want to look into it... I'll let you know if it helps.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I gave up and had a hysterectomy last summer. No more cramps, bleeding to death, etc. But I kept the wicked little pods of estrogen Mood Food because I'm not quite near menopause and would need them for a bit longer. I still get those crazy sore boobs that make me think they are actually trying to detach and jump to a quick death, because they foolishly think it would be less painful than what they are currently experiencing. I still have the times when everyone and everything is completely moronic and better get out of my way. On the other hand, it is wonderful having all that space under my sink ~ fantastic having nothing but pretty underwear ~ never having to stand up at a public place and glance back with a moment of horror to see if I bled on the chair ~ never feeling cramps again ~ and losing all the back pain I thought was back pain but was really all that crap poking my spine like a little kid who pokes holes in the frosting of a cake just to be an irritant. I had a robotic hysterectomy. It was outpatient. I healed quickly and only needed three vicodin, and I'm a sissy.

    Be brave, dear soul tormented by an organ shaped like Satan's head with horns. This, too, like everything, shall pass. Mine just passed on the operating table in one hour!!

    Thanks for still blogging. You bless me!
    Kate

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok Kate, you cracked me up! Thankfully, I haven't any heavy bleeding - it's very light and just very often. I'm reminded today that I need to call and schedule my pap. Never a dull moment at this age!

      Delete
  38. Happy Birthday, Jayme!!! Have a great b-day and weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  39. At 62, I'm post-menopausal, and my only issue was (and still is) off-the-charts HOT FLASHES. They were so bad 5 yrs ago that I began HRT, despite my grave fear of it, and am now, at my doctor's urging, slo-o-o-owly weaning off the hormone replacement. Yup, the hot flashes are coming back :( But the main thing I wanted to say here was HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! Hope you're having some Big Time Fun today. XOXOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Deb! I really appreciate it. I still don't think I've had more than a few bad hotflashes. Knock on wood. Golly, I was hoping all of this would be over in a year...you mean it might be 10??

      Delete
  40. Happy Birthday Jayme! Enjoy your day!

    ReplyDelete
  41. OMGosh you are back!!! I took you off my favorites because you had said, "done, fini, caio, asta la vista" I actually was trying to win some swag bucks and did a search again of your blog and viola you were there. Welcome back, Kotter. I laughed and laughed about your hormonal post. Been there, done that. Glad it is over. Best thing I did was yank them out! Well,not me personally, but my Dr. He said to me "why did you wait so long" I had mine out when I was 45 and I am 64 now and I don't miss them at all. In fact, I had a burn barrel ceremony with all of the left over stuff from that time in my life 2 weeks after my surgery.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. wow...I just can't imagine losing them. Hmmmm......

      Yes, I'm back. ha! I'm sure I've lost half my readers by saying I was leaving...ohhhhh well. What's a girl to do? I'm menopausal, they should have known better! : -)

      Delete
  42. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah......PERFECT

    jan

    ReplyDelete
  43. How awesome, I needed a good laugh today, and a good cry. I got both thanks to you Jayme because I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying! I think I'll keep my ovaries for now but thanks for the tip on the booze, it might be just what the dr. ordered. I will say that the hot flashes sure have kept our gas bill down this winter, but I blew the budget on fleece warmies for everyone else in the house :)
    xoxo, Andrea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I could oblige! Still not having terrible hot flashes...thank the Lord. The better I eat, the easier everything is. I'm sure I'll be paying for eating half my birthday cake. Wait..did I say that outloud?

      Delete
  44. ROFLMAO!! Thanks for making my day! & Happy Birthday Jayme! I just turned 51 also and have recently had a few "facial flushes"!! Love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  45. I laughed hysterically through the whole thing...to the point of wheezing and tad of leakage. Great post!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for leaving a comment!