Kickin' Fear to the Curb

It's been approximately 2.5 years ago now that I started selling marshmallows,

and turned my whole danged world upside down. 

Guess what?

I am still alive.

In fact - I'm quite alive, thriving and so happy lately that my face hurts from smiling,

and my heart aches from joy, much like a sore, overworked muscle.

At times, I've been sure I've ruined my life.

At times, I've been sure this was the best decision I've ever made.

Most of the time, I've not been sure of anything, other than being scared half to death.

But.

Now.

At this time.

I'm rather certain that maybe, just maybe this is a good thing.

In the last two weeks or so, I've felt more like myself that I have since the first time I set up

Me Olde Marshmallow Stand at a Farmer's Market.

Land sakes, I've worked so hard in the last couple of years, and sacrificed so many of the things I've loved.

Nary a chicken in the yard.

Nary a bee.

Nary a blossom. 

(I know - it's only March - and I bet if I looked, I'd find a crocus or three.)

I look back on those years of gardening my fingers to the bone, getting the heck stung out of me by my bees, and chicken keeping with the fondest of memories!  The years blogging, raising the BoyChild - what a sweet, sweet time of life!

(Aaron update - he's engaged!  He's 21!  Gahhhhh!)

The house and garden have definitely gotten that 'does that lady live there anymore?' kind of a vibe to it.  In some ways, it's quite liberating - and in others, it hurts my heart to see how two years of not focusing on 'home things' has made the house seem sad looking to the passerby.

You know - it'll be a year next week that Glenco left his truck driving J.O.B. and started peddling marshmallows full time with me.  It's been a journey for sure - and this Sunday - we celebrate our 34th anniversary.  And - I still kinda like him, after spending every waking moment of the last year with him.  Oh, it's been trying at times - but there's been more laughs than scowls (I think, I didn't count).  I only fired him twice in the last year - so that wasn't too bad.  : -)

The moral of the story?

I've survived with hints of thriving.

The housework has been caught up on, and I can with every confidence tell you that my home is the cleanest it's been in 2.5 years.

I have industrial mixers and commercial ovens now, and I'm not working myself

14-16 hours a day anymore.

The shows are much easier now that we use the Squirrel and don't have to set up a booth each time.

I'm happy that she gets to travel so much now.  : -)  Everybody LOVES her! This is still a very rudimentary set up - I have a lot of ideas! 

I came this close to going to get baby ducks today at the feed store today.

Glimpses of Jayme are coming back.

:-)

I've been able to spend time with friends again.

There's a good chance that there will be blossoms and home grown tomatoes in my yard again this year.

I really don't think I truly appreciated my garden until I lost it!

All of that to say this -

Life balances out.

I don't think I ever really realized how difficult it would be to start a bona fide business.  I really, REALLY wanted to share this whole journey with you here - but good grief, I'm lucky I showered at times.  When I look at it - I think - what the heck?  I sell some s'mores out of a camper!?  What's the big deal?  There's not enough time in the world to tell you the work that's gone on behind the scenes.  Mind boggling.  My ADHD doesn't help things - well, it helps SOME things!

I don't think we would have gotten this far in two years if I hadn't been a bit whackadoodle.

What most excites me is the emotional journey that this has been for me.

At times, fear completely crippled me.

Crippled.

It manifested in anger, frustration, and worry.

What if?

How?

It's almost like I thought that we'd DIE if this didn't work out -

when the reality would be - get a job.

What's so bad about that?

Well, it seems to be working out - for now anyhow - and my days are spent with Glenco - whipping sugar into cubes, hauling the camper far and wide - and meeting some of the most fun, creative, kind people you can imagine.  Don't get me wrong - there are many hard moments, but that's true in any profession. 

My days aren't filled with fear anymore - but it has it's moments where it rears it's ugly head, and I have to remind myself that my worst case scenario is me stacking organic romaine at Whole Foods and that actually sounds fun...

so...

fear?

No thanks.