When It's Not Easy

So, it's been like a month since I've been here.

I've no clue where to start or what to say, or if anyone is still around to read any of it.

Aaron will be moving back in within a matter of days.

I've been to Missouri and back.

I recovered from the Shingles.

I've been brunette and back to blonde.

Aaron still refuses to give me bangs.

I've just felt quiet.

My soul has been busy growing.

My rear end as well, but that's for another blog, another day.

I'm not sure that there's a point in trying to catch up at this moment, so I'm just going to jump in with both feet here and start talking about today, and,  ok, -  last week and yesterday.

:-)

If you've been a blog reader for any amount of time - you know the following about me:

I contradict myself often - because I change my mind like the wind, 

which makes me seem a little nuts.

I share my life openly.

I try to do too much.

I think too much.

I'm enthusiastic.

I start things and don't finish them.

I fly by the seat of my pants.

I'm driven largely by whim.

I'm obsessed with self improvement.

And this might be a good time to interject that I'm thinking about and sort of planning on joining the community theater here because it's on my bucket list.

You also know that I've lost over 100lbs and I struggle to keep it off.

You also know I want to live a very simple, debt free life.

You also know that I adore home and family above all, and want to stay home and embrace minimalism.

It all sounds so good doesn't it?

Sometimes you wish you were me, don't you?

Hold that thought.

It's not always pretty, and it's not always easy.

Last week was particularly hard.  I had moments of such self doubt.  I had moments of looking at the bank account and realizing I really couldn't afford to stay home.  I thought that I had to be positively mad to even think that I had such a luxury.  Surely - we've come accustomed to a certain level of comfort - like eating - and unless I hightailed it to town and got me a proper job - we might not do that in the upcoming weeks.

What is enough?

What is financially comfortable?

What is normal?

What is security?

Why do we constantly compare ourselves to others?

Why don't we live in this moment and not waste this moment fearing the next?

Why do we live in a constant state of what if's?

Why don't we realize how precious each moment is?

Why do we oftentimes blur the line between needs and wants?

In my heart of hearts - if I made a list of things that made me feel rich - they would include - 

my faith

good friends

good music

my health

a peaceful heart

nature

my garden

my chickens

I can't shake the feeling that we are getting it all wrong in this country.  I can't shake the feeling that we think it's normal to work and stress ourselves half to death to make ends meet, or try to 'get ahead' or have everything that everyone else has.  I think the world needs more people that will grow a garden, raise a chicken, be a real neighbor, and stay home and raise their children.  I can't shake the feeling that most people don't even really know what it is that makes them happy.  I feel that so many of us have just lost ourselves in the "American Dream".

My heart's desire, my dream, and how I want to, and try to live - is to let money flow through me.  I get - I give.  I want to give my last dollar to someone who needs it more than I do.

 But why, at times, does it seems so scary to live by faith that there will be enough left for me?  

Last night, as I was sewing at the sewing machine - I looked out the window, just as the moon was coming up - dinner was simmering on the stove, candles were burning about the house making it smell like autumn tied up with a bow, and Beethoven was playing on the CD player. 

 The moment just stopped me in my tracks.  I just stared at that moon, and listened to the music, and enjoyed the incredible peaceful moment of the home I've created.

That moon, that beautiful, faithful moon.  Always there, even though we can't see it at times.  It just reminded me so of the presence of God in our lives - always there, even though we don't feel it at times.

My faith grew leaps and bounds last night, and as I turned my attention back to the quilts I was sewing.  I realized I had more than enough, and that I always, always would have.

There is nothing to fear my friends.

Find your joy.

PS  - I seriously adore you all!