It's gloomy out - and it just seems like hormones and gloom make a good day for a good story.
I'm completely aware that I think too much, and it's something I'm thinking about stopping.
For the last few days I've been thinking about humiliation.
It's such a strong word isn't it?
Think about it.
Do you feel HUMILIATED?
"Oh my gosh - my child failed algebra - I'm completely HUMILIATED!"
"Oh dear Lord - I ran into Marge at the Piggly Wiggly and I had on no make up nor a bra - I was completely HUMILIATED!"
"Patty just stopped by out of the blue and there were dishes in my sink! I'm HUMILIATED!"
For me - humiliation was a constant companion - for most of my adult life.
Much of it brought on by my choice of eye wear and clothing.
"Ya, I'm fat and I'm wearing horizontal stripes! Suck it!"
"Oh sweet Jesus - I haven't seen Kathy since I weighed 187lbs - I just ran into her at the Dairy Queen - I'm 272lbs - I'm HUMILIATED!"
"Hmmm....when I went in for this surgery I was not wearing these paper panties that I've woken up in. Did the doctor that looked like Mario Lopez wrangle them on my gelatinous 240lb behind??
Perhaps my ultimate humiliation was when we were snorkeling about the Crystal River in Florida with a few very fit friends.
We'd rented a scraggly old Jon boat to do it in.
We were panning the river, back and forth, and as soon as we saw nostrils emerge from the water - we'd bail out of the boat, go under, and look to find them.
I never knew something that weighed 900lbs could be so elusive.
Back into the boat we'd all go.
Well, we did finally get to swim with them, and I have to tell you it was beyond exhilarating.
Back into the boat for the last time.
I was 270lbs.
In a wetsuit.
Surprised I wasn't mistaken for a manatee m'self.
Due to my physical state, due to being wet, exhausted and exhilarated, but mainly due to the fact that I was 270lbs, I couldn't get back in the boat.
My friends tried pulling, they got in the water and they started pushing.
All that was going through my head was 'could this be any more HUMILIATING? - oh yes, I could be nude....that could make this MUCH more humiliating."
We gave up, and I held a rope as I was towed back to the boat dock.
I so hope you are laughing.
The reason I'm sharing this story with you today - because it's become very clear to me that I have a choice.
I have a choice to feel humiliation, or a choice to chuck it off and laugh about it.
I also have a choice to see that painful feeling as a message.
Peter McWilliams says:
“Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: "We would be more alive if we did more of this," and, "Life would be more lovely if we did less of that." Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away.”
I'd venture to say that the pain of me being towed back to shore was a message that
'hey girl - you're a bit overweight - perhaps you could change this?'
After working out with my amazing Coach this past week, at times, I have to say I felt that familiar old feeling of humiliation.
Now, the guy's heart is the biggest muscle he's got, and I know wasn't looking at me and thinking 'hey fatso - you are pitiful'.
If he was - I wouldn't have him as a Coach.
So all of that to say this - it just got me all thinking - and yesterday I shed a few tears thinking about it.
I felt stupid, ugly, blubbery, and old.
I felt HUMILIATED.
And somewhere inside I saw this ever small flickering flame that was hope - that was the voice of reason (we've all got one!) that said in it's best Handmade Ryan Gosling voice -
"Hey Girl - you are awesome. You have a choice. Why don't you tie up that humiliated feeling to the back of that Jon boat and let it go back to shore - you are headed for deeper waters."
You see - this weight loss journey hasn't just been about lowering my blood pressure, looking better in clothes, finding out what has more nutrition - broccoli or Brussels sprouts - it's about life. It's about living. It's about facing adversities one at a time - calling that voice in your head that tells you you're pitiful a liar. Shouting it as you cross the line of a marathon! It's about flinging that kettle bell high in the air realizing that there's nothing you can't do if you'll only put your mind to it. Your past only defines you if you let it.