Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Humiliation in Crystal River

Alright y'alls.
I'm hormonal.
It's gloomy out - and it just seems like hormones and gloom make a good day for a good story.

 
I'm completely aware that I think too much, and it's something I'm thinking about stopping.
:-)

For the last few days I've been thinking about humiliation.
It's such a strong word isn't it?

Think about it.
Do you feel HUMILIATED?
When?
Why?

"Oh my gosh - my child failed algebra - I'm completely HUMILIATED!"

"Oh dear Lord - I ran into Marge at the Piggly Wiggly and I had on no make up nor a bra - I was completely HUMILIATED!"

"Patty just stopped by out of the blue and there were dishes in my sink!  I'm HUMILIATED!"


For me - humiliation was a constant companion - for most of my adult life.
Much of it brought on by my choice of eye wear and clothing.
"Ya, I'm fat and I'm wearing horizontal stripes!  Suck it!"

"Oh sweet Jesus - I haven't seen Kathy since I weighed 187lbs - I just ran into her at the Dairy Queen - I'm 272lbs - I'm HUMILIATED!"


"Hmmm....when I went in for this surgery I was not wearing these paper panties that I've woken up in.  Did the doctor that looked like Mario Lopez wrangle them on my gelatinous 240lb behind??
I'm HUMILIATED!"


Perhaps my ultimate humiliation was when we were snorkeling about the Crystal River in Florida with a few very fit friends.
We'd rented a scraggly old Jon boat to do it in.

We were panning the river, back and forth, and as soon as we saw nostrils emerge from the water - we'd bail out of the boat, go under, and look to find them.
I never knew something that weighed 900lbs could be so elusive.


Back into the boat we'd all go.
Well, we did finally get to swim with them, and I have to tell you it was beyond exhilarating.
Back into the boat for the last time.

I was 270lbs.
In a wetsuit.
Surprised I wasn't mistaken for a manatee m'self.
Due to my physical state, due to being wet, exhausted and exhilarated, but mainly due to the fact that I was 270lbs, I couldn't get back in the boat.

I tried.
My friends tried pulling, they got in the water and they started pushing.

All that was going through my head was 'could this be any more HUMILIATING? - oh yes, I could be nude....that could make this MUCH more humiliating."

We gave up, and I held a rope as I was towed back to the boat dock.

I so hope you are laughing.


The reason I'm sharing this story with you today - because it's become very clear to me that I have a choice.

I have a choice to feel humiliation, or a choice to chuck it off and laugh about it.

I also have a choice to see that painful feeling as a message.

Peter McWilliams says:

“Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: "We would be more alive if we did more of this," and, "Life would be more lovely if we did less of that." Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away.”


I'd venture to say that the pain of me being towed back to shore was a message that
'hey girl - you're a bit overweight - perhaps you could change this?'

After working out with my amazing Coach this past week, at times, I have to say I felt that familiar old feeling of humiliation.


Now, the guy's heart is the biggest muscle he's got, and I know wasn't looking at me and thinking 'hey fatso - you are pitiful'.
If he was - I wouldn't have him as a Coach.

So all of that to say this - it just got me all thinking - and yesterday I shed a few tears thinking about it.
I felt stupid, ugly, blubbery, and old.
I felt HUMILIATED.

And somewhere inside I saw this ever small flickering flame that was hope - that was the voice of reason (we've all got one!) that said in it's best Handmade Ryan Gosling voice -

"Hey Girl - you are awesome.  You have a choice.  Why don't you tie up that humiliated feeling to the back of that Jon boat and let it go back to shore - you are headed for deeper waters."

You see - this weight loss journey hasn't just been about lowering my blood pressure, looking better in clothes, finding out what has more nutrition - broccoli or Brussels sprouts - it's about life.  It's about living.  It's about facing adversities one at a time - calling that voice in your head that tells you you're pitiful a liar.  Shouting it as you cross the line of a marathon!  It's about flinging that kettle bell high in the air realizing that there's nothing you can't do if you'll only put your mind to it.  Your past only defines you if you let it.
Rock on.




45 comments:

  1. I was laughing right at the point where you said I should be! I pictured myself in this situation and the only difference would have been that along with being overweight, I would've peed my pants laughing! You are great!

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  2. To be honest, I wasn't laughing because I was feeling your humiliation. I have a dear friend who is overweight and I know that she is struggling with the same issues that you have dealt with. It cuts me to the core to see her struggling to get out of a chair or step up a couple of steps and needing her husband's help to do these things.

    I've tried encouraging her to eat better and she's trying. I would LOVE for her to have a radical change in her diet and start eating clean because I know it would do her a world of good. I've even sent her the link to a post or two of yours. I'm not sure what else I can do for her at this point without cramming it down her throat. Any suggestions? I don't want her to live in humiliation any more even though I know this is a choice that she has to make for herself.

    BTW, I live not too far from Crystal River. Glad you got to see the manatees; they're beautiful, gentle creatures!

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  3. Yes, I was laughing!! You are so funny. But you are also awesome especially for sharing that story with others. I just can't get over the work God is doing in your life. He is awesome!! Oh, the explanation of pain was good. I'll have to remember that.

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  4. Rock on, dear Jamie! I just can't imagine how painful that boat trip must have been for you...at least at that moment. I didn't laugh..
    You are one incredibe woman for sharing something so difficult to admit. Thanks, I needed to hear it.

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  5. Oh I know...that voice inside is so insidious and downright MEAN! You were beautiful and lovely before and you are still beautiful after!! P.S. one time these two guys were helping us with our renovations and then they decided that I needed to ride my horse (I was dealing with some fear as well as lack of knowledge and did I mention that one of them was hot!) So out we went (me in my stretch pants, yes, overweight) and they proceeded to shove me up there because I couldn't do it without help! Still humiliated just thinking about it! :-D

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  6. Jayme,
    Thank you for this post. I have been to that place and have wallowed in the slop of it for years now. Your posts are such an encouragement. I am about to decide I will get moving, not for hubby, nor doctor, but FOR ME. I want my life and health back. I don't want to wait for it, I want to make it happen.
    Thank you,
    Susan
    PS I have an anchor charm I wear as a necklace when I am feeling especially hopeless. My childhood church had a stained glass window over the altar of an anchor. It reminds me that my hope is in my Creator who makes no junk!

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  7. Oh, Jayme! I hope you know how many of us out there love you to pieces. Your being transparent helps us all realize our own battles and gives us encouragement to overcome them.

    Rock on yourself!!
    Hugs!

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  8. You are awesome Jayme! And inspirational. Thanks so much for sharing. Kate

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  9. You da shiz. I loved your "I so hope you're laughing." I get it. Sometimes we have to be really clear with the readers that though we share the hard past, we're able to laugh about it, too.

    All my big, bad love to you.

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  10. Learning from and making positive choices from our humiliation is a good thing. My "wetsuit" story involves me trying to get on a horse with another person trying to hold the saddle in place ...still humiliating and it was several years ago...BUT I am changing that.

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  11. "We'd rented a scraggly old Jon boat to do it in."

    This is killing me. Fo real. LOL!

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  12. Your honesty and transparency is a big boost to those of us in need of encouragement. You have so much to feel good about and you're a great example to the rest of us on the weight, guilt, and shame loss journey.

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  13. I think it is great that you got in a wet suit and did what you wanted to do even when your body might have not been what you wanted it to be. That tells me a lot about your personality and determination. Thanks for the inspiration!

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  14. Sometimes weight loss cannot happen by will power alone. Sometimes there are deeper issues that sabotage our best attempts, our deepest desires. Some of us have childhood pain that is too deep to deal with on our own, that imprisons our soul and won't let loose. Finding a therapist who who will walk with us through the dark places into the light may be the weight loss solution for some.

    From someone who has been six years on that journey.

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  15. If I had been towed in on a rope by a boat I would have been laughing my ass off the entire time, probably have gotten water in my mouth while laughing and drowned and never survived to tell it on a blog. You are a hoot!

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  16. Rock on indeed!! While my issue is not weight, I have let the "humiliation blanket" drape over me one too many times when dealing with family- thanks for the pep talk!!

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  17. i was laughing, but understood your pain.

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  18. I keep saying, GOD does not create junk! We are perfect in his eyes no matter what size we are. But we do need to watch our health as our bodies are a temple. He would want us healthy and strong.

    Sad that its takes us a long time to get it...

    You are using your pain to help others and GOD is pleased. Keep up the wonderful work and being honest with all of us. You move us to tears and laughter and we dance for joy at your accomplishments.

    Thank you GOD for Jayme!

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  19. Right on girlfriend! YOU ARE AWESOME! (and funny btw, in case you didn't know!)

    Sure do love you! You are so helping a ton a people out there in humiliation land.

    ((hugs))

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  20. You know what really rocks? Your honesty all around. What a journey, and I'll say it again... look.. how far.. you've come.

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  21. I can imagine how bad that must have felt being towed in. But, look at you now hot mamma! And I get humiliated all the time when I wanna run out for a large diet coke and a redbox movie in sweats, t-shirt with NO bra, and big fuzzy boots and see a co-worker! Arrg. BTW, is Ryan Gosseling wearing a t-shirt, a cape, and a scarf? Weird.

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  22. Thanks Jayme for sharing your humiliating event. We definitely all have them. One of mine also involves trying to get into a boat, in the Cayman Islands while we were swimming with the stingrays. I had to be pulled and shoved into the boat. But at least we have had the experience of being in the water!! Thanks for your encouragement in this journey!

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  23. That was hilarious and I don't mean to be mean. I could feel your humiliation at the scene you described but the way you wrote it was stand up comedy hilarious. You are an encouragement to many!

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  24. Thanks Jayme. You are an inspiration. I so enjoy reading your posts....usually they are hitting me in the face and I have to face those things. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

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  25. You are so sweet to share this with us. You never know how many lives you touch - in a POSITIVE way.
    I clicked on the link to read more about HOW you are doing this.
    Thank you!

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  26. What a way to end my evening with a great laugh. Always love visiting here with you.

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  27. I can only believe that you have been a healing ministry to someone reading this tonight....pure; from the heart post Jayme!!

    I love this place!
    God Bless,
    Barbra.

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  28. i just love you jayme.i hope that doesn't sound wacko. the suck it part had me almost in tears. you are funny and beautiful and honest and i want to adpot you as my big sis. {and take some hot pics of us in wetsuits to send to ryan;D}

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  29. You are a continuing source of inspiration to me. Thankyou.

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  30. You bring a tear to my eye! When I look at pics of myself from when my kiddos were little, I see nothing I like. I so identify with your story!!!

    And I didn't laugh. I remember what it was like.

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  31. I have read this post at least 5 times, and the first two times it made me laugh...and the third, fourth and fifth times I cried a little...because it SO hit home with me! Had a hysterectomy a few years back, when I was 40 lbs. heavier than I am now, and while waiting to go into surgery I had 3nurses ask if I was there for gastric bypass...HUMILIATED! I so look forward to each and every one of your posts, Jayme...you are my HERO!

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  32. Jayme...keep on...here's the BESTEST to memorize and say while you train and when think you are gonna hit that "wall"...
    "But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
    They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) ONE of my favorites... When we are weak...we are actually just beginning to find our strengths... "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13) RAH! xoxo the cupcakes are DIVINE...by the way...two thumbs up! hugs.

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  33. Compelling post, Jayme...thank you! Laughter is so good for us - releasing wonderful pain-killing endorphins. And, Julie, I love those verses - some of my favorites.

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  34. Oh what a story! And what a message!

    Yes, I think you also hit it right in your first sentence.... you're hormonal. You know Jayme you're changing your lifestyle around by eating better and exercising at the exact same time that God has chosen to change your life around by giving you hot flashes, wrinkles, saggy skin and telling you that the ovaries are kaput. Anybody would be a bit confused and stressed from time to time. Things are better by your own doing but then they are also worse just through the fault of time which has decided to give you a tangible knock up the side of the head right now.

    All I can say is "Keep Keepin' On" and you'll find a level of peace with the changes and exhilaration for life still to come.

    Wish I could share a cup of tea and swap stories .... you're a beacon!

    Grace

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  35. I keep lurking, and have been thinking: Man, I soooo need to comment on one of these posts that my friend Jayme writes...so here it is! :-) I think you are one amazing woman. As someone who has struggled with weight my whole dang life (I remember being told by a doctor when I was THREE that I looked like a fat little basketball...and then he told my mom to feed me carrots. I freaking hated carrots for a loooooong time), I love the stories you share about your journey to where you are at now. Being on a journey myself, it helps to hear what someone else has done...and I am very proud of you! All of us here at 1/3 acre farm are rooting for you (even the chickens, who are a tad snooty).
    --Cris
    chickenladysgreatadventures.blogspot.com

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  36. Oh Coop, I had all kinds of deep and meaningful things to say about this adorable post, but then you go and slap up a picture of Ryan Gosling and now my brain is mush.

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  37. Jayme... Im about to embark on the same journey you're on... only not the same regimen... Id love to be able to email with you and have someone to keep me focused... you seem like the perfect person for that... let me know if you're interested..

    thanks for being you!
    ~Nakia

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  38. ". . . it's about life. It's about living. It's about facing adversities one at a time - calling that voice in your head that tells you you're pitiful a liar. Shouting it as you cross the line of a marathon! It's about flinging that kettle bell high in the air realizing that there's nothing you can't do if you'll only put your mind to it. Your past only defines you if you let it." Rock on.

    I just love you jaymee!

    Where can one go to get a daily dose of inspiration like your blogs, nowhere, you are the best,. . .you. . you. . . you move me Ü

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  39. I agree with the poster that pointed out that at the same time you decided to "take the bull" by the horns you also were entering the world of menopause, the not so delightful world of saggy skin, the "girls" not being perky anymore and so on. I am 51 and trying to keep up with a 6 yr old and a 9 yr old so I'm feeling my age on some days. I have always had body issues whether I've been thin or heavy. I have decided that I will never be totally comfortable in my "skin" whatever the scale says so my goal is to be as healthy as I can so I'll be around for my girls and my grown son for as long as the good Lord allows me.

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  40. Girlie -- you are about the bravest gal I *know*. I am proud of you. How many people have those *H* moments and just roll over and give up?!!! Carry on with your head held high :)

    Blessings!
    Gail

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  41. Jayme, you are my hero. I could have written this post about myself and my own miseable experiences as overweight and embarrassed. But I would never have your courage to expose myself to others. I chickened out of the Program with David, too. I kept reading his website and your posts, but kept telling myself I could never do it.
    I use my poor health and my husband's cancer as excuse to hide from the truth...I am afraid to try and fail. Maybe some day, Jayme, just not now. Please, keep sharing with us. We need you. Thank you, Dear Lady

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  42. Good Post! You write so cleverly funny, and yet with a heart-touching serious note to it!
    Wanted to write and say "Thanks" for sharing the "Best Evah Beef Stew" recipe!! Tried it last night...and the fam just raved over it!! Second helpings were a must with this creation! Just awesomely good it was...and you're right...it was worth every minute of effort that went into it!!
    Thanks again!!

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  43. Your Canadian FriendFebruary 16, 2012 at 3:07 PM

    Your post made me laugh then cry. You rock, girl.

    Chris

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  44. You do so.much.good with a post like this. Sharing your deepest feelings and shortcomings and then rising to the TOP! You had the same determination at 270 pounds that you do now, it took that to get into a wet suit to realize the dream of swimming with the manatees. That's our biggest fault, not seeing the qualities that we possess, only aware of physical beauty. You are coming to terms with all the monsters in your closet and sharing the good stuff with us... love ya Jayme!

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