I'm Still Scared

Let's be honest here. 

I'm still scared.

It's safe here at home. 

It's cozy. 

There's furry things to pet, books to read and tea to drink. 

I can talk a big talk. I can post inspirational memes all day. 

But when you get right to it, I'm a big fat 

You see, right now I'm on the cusp of going all in. 

Full time commercial kitchen of my own.

Commercial mixers and what not. 

Glenco retiring. 

Wholesale. Retail. Corporations. 

The 'you know what' is getting real. 

What if I fail? 

What if I don't?

Will I ever have another moment of life for me?

Shall I work my fingers to the bone?

Is this what I REALLY want?

Can you share a story with me of you doing something that 

scared the bejeebes out of you?

Did you live to tell the tale?

I keep "worst case scenario-ing" this. 

I sell all my equipment and work at Whole Foods. 

Someone has pity on me and starts a "GoFundMe" page for the poor ole Coopkeeper. 

Why am I so scared??

It's a Good Day to Talk About Fear

Good news!

I woke up today!

If you've been around here long enough - you are familiar with my irrational fear of the number 53.

What started as a thought (read that again!) - turned into a belief - grew into a fear - 

I had some notion that I wouldn't live past 53.

Completely unfounded.

But I thought it enough - that it became real to me.

I fought it often, and really had thought that I'd conquered it for the most part, until this past week.

As we were on our way to South Bend last weekend, I thought - is this it?  A car accident?

As I tripped a little going down the basement stairs - is this it?  An unfortunate accident with the laundry basket?

Yesterday - I didn't leave the house.

Last night - I said a silent prayer that I'd wake up today.

I think I'm safe - I'm 54 today.

Thankyaverymuch.

Most people that know me, would consider me quite fearless.

Go into the beehive without protection?  I'm your girl.

Get 25 chickens on a whim when you know nothing about tending them?

Why the heck not!

Drive cross country without a cell phone?  

What's wrong with that?

I could go on - 

On a day to day basis - some of the things that I SHOULD have a second thought about - I don't - 

yet fear has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember.

I had a very clear picture recently of 'eggsactly' what I was doing.  It was if I had an idea - and thought 'well let's see what my counselor has to say about this' - and off I went to Dr. Fear - laid on his couch - and let him counsel me of all the things that could go wrong, and why I should fear this situation.  He was quite thorough and even thought of scenarios I never would have dreamed of.

Dr. Fear suggests that I completely book myself with events to sell marshmallows so that there isn't a smidge of time left for myself.

He asks questions like 'well, if this is your income - don't you think you'd better get after it? I mean - a weekend free is lost wages!'.

So - I heed his counsel and I book.  And I book.  And all the while I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach of 'how in the Sam hill?' - but I continue to heed the counsel of this scoundrel - and the next thing I know - my joy is drained. 

 And that's the co-pay of his counsel.  

You pay with joy.

You pay with the very essence that is your life.

Your soul starts to wither up into a dark ball and you've nothing left to give anyone else - you've given it all to fear.

A very toxic relationship.

Most of our fears never come to fruition.

The fact that I'm still breathing and sitting on my couch typing this - proves that.

So what do I do today - what action do I take today that can sever this toxic thinking?

Today there will be teeth kicking.

Today I'm pulling out my planner and pulling out of some of the shows I've booked.

I have to.

I will pray for a heart and mind that is quick to recognize fear and all of it's faces.

I will meditate on the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.

I will breathe.

And - 

I will eat cake.

The end.

It Doesn't Take a Brain Surgeon

What?  Two days in a row?

I'm trying to develop a habit here...

My trip to Whole Foods yesterday was fab.

We've finally got one in our area - it's still a bit out of the way - but much better than crossing the state line to get the organic kale contraband.

I've started juicing.  The amount of organic carrots I consume is borderline ridiculous - but I tell you what - I feel rejuvenated! 

I went with my old pal Donna and her 24 year old son Kyle.

As I was talking to Kyle about work and school - I mentioned to Donna -

'24!  What would you do if you were 24, knowing what you know now?'

When I was asked the question, I think I surprised them both when I said 'I'd  do something in the field of neuroscience'.  I really think they thought I was joking.  I think that because Donna laughed.

Me?  A scientist? 

See, I'm absolutely smitten with the brain.  

Mainly the actual physical organ.

Also -

The mind.  

The brain/mind/body connection.

Fascinating!

Just this morning I was reading about increasing GABA production.

I've been reading books by Dr. Carolyn Leaf, Dr. Daniel Amen.

Brain health.

Amazing.

But.

Math.

Word on the street you gotta know your multiplication tables and then some to call yo'self a neuroscientist.

So.

I make marshmallows.  

Then - I thought - well, since I can't do maths - what other path would I have chosen?

Do you need the maths for to be a Functional Doctor?

Dang it.

So then I decided I would be a hippie of sorts, living in a tiny house somewhere Northwest - running a microbakery in a cool Portland town, and commuting on my Honda Metropolitan scooter.

And I'd dabble in neuroscience.

Which really isn't too far off of my life at the moment.

Then end.

What about you?

Alive

Guess who's still alive?

I've been thinking about you all so much lately - 

Remembering the days of sitting here clicking away - feeling so connected to you all.

I've just logged back in for the first time since Oct. 7th.  I'm just seeing all the messages you've sent me saying you've missed me.

Thank you.

It seems my life holds daily reminders of all the love that has been shown here.

Every day I stand on the rag rug that was made for me by my blog friend Linda - or I'm wearing an apron, or a using a hand towel that one of you have gifted me  - or just the memories - so many memories of all y'all.  I'm blessed beyond measure to call some of you my true friends.

I can honestly say, with my whole heart - I may not have gotten through the last few years without you.

I've had the IMMENSE pleasure of meeting so many of you out at the shows this year - as I travel around and get up in your 'hood.  I'm embarrassed to say, that with the blur this past year was - I don't remember all of your names, and didn't get photos!

(PS - I'll be in So. Bend this Saturday at the Winterfest from 7 til 3 - So. Bend Farmer's Market on Northside Blvd)

One that I did get a photo of was Cindy and her husband Ernie.

It was a cool December day - and I was doing a show in Griffith IN - and it was a show that I almost didn't go to.  I was so, so, so bone tired by December.

But.

I went.

And am I glad I did!  Cindy and Ernie showed up and I guess they drove a couple of hours to come and meet me.

I just have to say - with the way I've shared my heart and life here - it's really an odd feeling when you meet someone that says 'I've been reading your blog for years' - and you are standing there at that moment thinking - 'oh ma ga - they know EVERYTHING!'

I always feel a bit twitchy, and embarrassed - I'm hoping it doesn't show.  I know everyone has a story - dark chapters, happy chapters - and chapters yet unwritten.  Many choose not to share it all on the world wide web.  I do.

: -)

The show was slow, so Cindy and I got to visit for a bit.  I always felt bad when I was too busy to visit you all when you came out.

We shared some laughs, a few tears and a hug.  I'm telling you - you guys are some seriously fabulous people.  The connection we felt just reminded me again - that blogging like this is real - there are real people - with real lives - real struggles - real hopes and dreams - real lives - reading this.  And that's why I've always wanted to make my blog real.  Well, I don't try to make it real - it just is.  It's my life without a soft focus lens on it.  It's not staged, it's not sugar coated.  I've shared just about every ding danged thing here.

Thank you.  Thank you for reading - thank you for loving me, supporting me, encouraging me and laughing at and with me.  : -) 

I survived the year.

I honestly have never worked so hard in my entire life.  Working at the steel mills when I was younger?  Piece of cake.  Moving 10 yards of mulch one wheelbarrow at a time?  Child's play.  Renovating this old farmhouse?  Easy Peasy.

I accomplished the goal I set out to achieve and more.  Debt free living. I was able to help some others as well. It's a great feeling.  I'm now more convinced than ever - that any flipping thing is possible.  That you CAN find a way!

I wasn't sure if I was going to continue the business after making the goal - because when I started - it was a means to an end.  I thought I would just carry on with my quiet life of library books, knitting, gardening and chicken rearing.  I thought maybe I'd apply for a part time job at Whole Foods.  I could see myself scootering back and forth - working in the Juice Bar, or neatly stacking those heads of romaine.

Alas - I kind of like this market madness.  I have a quiver full of new friends.  

My only struggle is - calming the heck down.  I still try to do too much - too many markets.  

So, I'm still the same Jayme that you've come to know.

Chronic Overachiever. Stubborn as a mule. Desperately seeking balance.

But it seems that this Mother Wilma's Marshmallow Factory is here to stay.  I've got me a bona fide business.

I'm really hoping and praying to find the balance in it all, and return to blogging on a regular basis.

Fingers crossed.

I'll be 54 in a week.  Fifty. four.  When?  How?

I have this notion that it's going to be the best year yet.  Like ever.  In the history of Jayme.

One of the things I'm addressing as a priority is my health - unfortunately - it was my sacrifice on the altar of my goal.  Smart?  Nope.  Not very.  Typical all or nothing Jayme?  Yessirree.

With that being said - 

I'm doing the Leanness Lifestyle again.  It really is the only thing that works for me.

It starts the day after my birthday - January 27th, and I'd be tickled pink if some of you joined me.

Click here to change yo life:

http://lluniversity.com/lifestyle180/

He really is the real deal. Really.

Enrollment starts today - and this fills up fast.  

Be spontaneous and impulsive like me!  Click and join!

I'll leave you with this. I have to leave in a few minutes to meet my friend at Whole Foods (I'm not applying for the job yet!)

I found this nugget in a book I'm reading called "You are a BadAss" by Jen Sincero - 

So perhaps it's all perspective?  What we choose to think?

Discuss.

I'll Tell You What I Want, What I Really Really Want....

 

Anybody still here?

I am! 

Just wanting to pop in today with an update, let you know I still breathe - and the goings on here.

How often do you think about what you really want?  I mean really, really.

Past - I want Chinese for dinner, past - I want to be out of debt - past - I would really love a new Subaru Forester....

These may be my immediate wants at the moment....

One thing I'm learning this year, as I spend endless hours spinning sugar into puffs of happiness are the things I don't want.   

I think that is a great place to start in order to find out exactly what it is you do want.

  I honestly can't trust myself at times to know what I want - it changes way too frequently based on hormones, seasons, and whether or not I've had a Starbucks flat white.

But what I don't want?

That seems rather consistent.

In the consistency of 'what I don't want' I find my true desires coming forth.

I'm blown clean away by the response to the mallows this year.  I truly could clone myself and keep the clone as busy as I've been.  It's been rather non-stop - and I have 65 days after today before all this stops up in here for a couple of months. 

My cousin Jim from Missouri has been here helping for three months!

We do the big shows on the weekends, and Glen and my sister have been doing the Farmer's Markets.

Tomorrow a radio station in Ft. Wayne IN is calling me to interview me about the business!

I'll try to get a link and attach it here so you can hear it - if that's even possible...

I have much to decide - about where I'll take this, because one thing I don't want - is to work this hard again, like ever.

Ever!

I started this with one goal in mind - live debt free - and girls, I think we are going to make it by year's end - there might even be a new davenport in the works as well!

I'm blessed.

I'm exhausted.

I signed up with my Coach again because I want back in these pants:

I promise I'm not going to go on and on about it  : -) - just know it's happening.

Aaron is well - just got back from a Disney vacation - he's working in Chicago - living in Chicago - and completely far too grown up in some ways and not enough in others.

And these are without a doubt the things I know.

Home is my first love, it always has been - and always will be.

A well run, well tended home and garden is something to never, ever, take for granted. 

Family and friends are the most important things.

Anything of true value cannot be purchased.

When I thought I had nothing much - I was so incredibly wealthy.

Being nearly debt free doesn't really feel any different.

Things that you thought you wanted, when you couldn't afford them - you find out that you don't really care that much about when you can afford them. 

Your health goes south fast if you don't take good care of yourself.

Cats are good medicine.

Chickens are good therapists.

Blogging soothes my soul.

 

A Little Sumpin' Sumpin'

The autumn winds are blowing up in here today - and it's got me half crazy feeling with the thoughts of apple butter, mums and pumpkins.  I know, I know - it's August 20th - but I'm hankering for a Pumpkin Spice Latte like nobody's business.

What is it that creates such a frenzy in my heart for fall?

I'm literally aching to get my hands on yarn...

But...alas...this is the Year of the Mallow.

Take a gander here - 

http://www.nwitimes.com/lifestyles/fire-skewers-bring-twist-to-marshmallow-business/article_81ad8e88-9f13-5b3c-8e51-6688a535d3d7.html

I reckon the editor of the paper had a s'more at one of the markets, and I got a call...

how fun is this?

I feel really humbled, and oh so grateful today.

I'm doing a couple of markets in Fort Wayne and South Bend, and I heard from a couple of you darlings - so excited that I'm coming that way - and it just warmed my heart SO much - and it made me remember the days that I sat here pecking away at these very keys - sharing my heart and soul with y'all, and oh how I remember those days with such fondness! I just know in my knower those days will be here again, sooner than later.

But for now - I check the weather, make mallows, load up the Heep and do markets.

I'm up to five markets a week now.

I know.

It's utter ridiculousness - but it's just for a few more weeks, and then the markets start dropping off.

My next real day off is Dec. 15th, and I'm okay with that. 

I dog-eared this year for all of this - and I will finish what I started. 

I'm enjoying it all as much as I am not - if that makes any sense at all.

For every achy tired bone - there is a blessing.

My heart is filled with wonder at the people I've met.  

I hope that I can write all the stories out sometime this winter.

At times I question myself, and wonder if I've gone completely batty - by doing this - but then I remember 'the goal'.  The goal of debt free living.  It's been so elusive for us since Glenco's hours were cut a few years back.  Oh - and don't it just be figuring that he's been doing overtime since I started all of this mallow madness?

And so that just proves my theory.

I have absolutely no control over anything but my thoughts, actions, attitudes and reactions.

I saw this and thought it was awesome...

I still have a very unrealistic image in my head of life - of a time in my life when I can say 'I'm done'.

I'm done with the house.

I'm done with the garden.

I'm out of debt.

I'm done working on myself.

I'm done.

I think the light is finally turning on in my brain that the day I'm done is the day I enter eternal rest - and will I?  For those of you that really know me - you laugh at the thought - me, resting....I'll get to heaven with me sleeves rolled up looking for something to do I will!

As it is now - I long, and I do mean long - I LONG to clean the house!  I look at my stove and refrigerator with a lustful feeling inside - imagining the day I have the time to give them a proper deep cleaning.   I long to restore order.  I long to simmer soup and press pillow cases again.

It's hard to believe it's nearing September - and I'm welcoming it with open arms.  

Live life open my friends.

Open arms.

Open hearts.

Open minds.

Forgive yourself - over and over.

Stay present - find something beautiful in the ordinary - 

and realize the absolute truth of this statement:

If you want to be happy.

Be.

I miss you all!  I responded to all of your comments from the last post - in the comment section...

Til soon..

Jayme

MallowMaster

(and slave)

Things I Miss Today

 I'm up way late in the night - and I'm not sure why - I'm most definitely ready to sleep - but I just wanted some me time me thinks.

I've been finding myself quite nostalgic today.

Missing many things.

Life is so different this year - and that's okay - but I'm seeing more and more clearly that I really had the life I wanted - and dadgum it, I want it back!

I miss you guys.  I miss my drivel.

I miss sharing my life with you.

I miss sharing my trials, my triumphs, my conclusions, and just my little corner of the world in general.

I really, really, really miss my garden.

I'm shocked at how left untended for such a short period of time, things quickly go south.

This applies to many areas - our relationships, our health, our homes, and our gardens!

All the following pictures were taken when the garden was tended regularly.

I miss having time to sit in the garden and read - and have my hair arranged so nicely with baby birds in it!  I miss nurturing things.  People, plants, animals....

 

I miss telling you things like 'oh, I have 19 chickens now - two roo's - one Copper Maran - who rules the roost - a fine proud bird that is kind-ish to the other  rooster - a Black Barred - who is so lovely and gentle...

I've so wanted to tell you about HopSing - the crippled bird that I have - and the lesson that I learned from her - that sometimes helping hurts - and some people and things are just better left alone.

I really, really miss knitting, and yarn, and needles.

I also miss this scarf.

I lost it this Spring!  It was so much friggin' work too.

: -)

 

I miss having time to be ridiculous...

 

I miss having time to wash my dishes and meditate whilst I do.

 

I miss this...

Oh and I miss these pants!

They were some of my favorite pants, but now - well - let's not talk about it!

 

I miss my bees - they just all up and left a couple of months ago - the yard seems quiet without them.

I'm certain I'll get them again...

 I miss my sister - nearly gone a year now - the reality is impossible to grasp, she doesn't seem gone to me - and really she isn't...til soon Vivvie...

 I miss outside.  I miss taking the time to gaze upon the outdoors.

 

I freaking miss my ducks.  Maude and Claude.

I know Claude has gone on to the great big pond in the sky - but Maude?  Where she be?  There's a nesting pair of mallards that return every Spring now - and they come oddly close to the house - I believe it could be her.

 

I miss hours spent meandering greenhouses...

 I miss the smell of my camper - The Squirrel - I miss padding out there barefoot on a gorgeous night like this one - sleeping out under the stars with the frogs singing and the fireflies flitting -

 I miss typing here and figuring out what I think and I believe as the cursor blinks on - 

I miss you guys.

I cannot say it enough - I miss my garden!

 

Don't hate - but I'm almost hoping that this comes sooner than later...

Snow.  Frost.

At least then the garden and it's demise will be out of my control...

 

Now it's not all gloom and doom - nay - it's actually all very good.

I've set a goal for this year - and I do believe I'll reach it - and then I am scaling WAY WAY back - no more three and four markets a week - no more every week - nope - just here and there - and whatever makes me happy.  It's just this year that I'm sacrificing so much.  I've met the most incredible people and I'm learning so much.  Learning what is truly important to me - learning what hard work really is. 

You know - I've never really had much in the way of material wealth - but looking back at my old blog posts from years past, I realize I was the richest girl in the world.

What an enormous blessing to realize that.

Til soon...

Life

My life is marshmallows.

I make marshmallows.

I check the weather.

I make marshmallows.

I check the weather.

Three outdoor markets a week - and now heading to Chicago once a month for the Randolph Street Market.

I'm happy - tired - excited - tired - driven -tired - grateful - tired

and missing all of you.

I have a goal in sight, and it looks like I'm going to make it!

Do you know that sometimes I just log on here and read your old comments from a year ago?

I do.

I miss y'all - until I have time to write again you can find me here...

Mother Wilma's on Facebook

Have a wonderful summer!

xo

On Mothering

I awoke this morning in an off mood.

Nothing in particular - more tired than anything.

Two Farmer's Markets a week - the struggle is real y'all.

I'm a tired (but very happy!) girl.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm my own boss - and I can arrange my schedule anyway I'd like to - but apparently I'm 'that' boss - and choose to work myself to a nub on a regular basis.

So this morning comes, and it's Mother's Day - I'm fraught with several emotions.

My mother is gone.

I'm not a real mother.

Or - at least that's what my brain wanted to inform my heart of  at 7:02 this morning.

So let's sort out the truth.

My mother indeed did pass away nearly 15 years ago - or 12 years ago - or?

(I think - see, this is the memory loss I told you about.  

I can't remember - I'd have to look it up to know)

But is she gone?

No.

She is not.

Case in point - look at this photo:

She is right here, with me always.

Her smile.

Her hair.

Her love of holding livestock.

:-)

She's here.

Her generous spirit still guides me, gives me strength and hope.

And then there's that whole 'see you on the other side' kind of promise we have here that takes the whole sting out of death.

As far as my brain telling me I'm not a mother?

Poppycock!

I am too - heck, my business is even named Mother Wilma's!

I've had the most high honor of sharing in the mothering of this young man:

And if THIS isn't mothering....

I don't know what is!

In fact, I mother everything and everyone.

Except Glenco.

Be careful not to mother your husbands ladies.

I really do hope you know you don't have to accept every thought that your brain tries to tell you.

You could live a pretty crappy life if you allow those shenanigans.

Once my heart told my brain what to think - I was in just a fine mood.

Realizing I'm blessed beyond measure, I thought I might just take a moment to think about what kind of 'mother' I really am.  

I have absolutely no expectations on Aaron today for Mother's Day.  I expect no gifts, no attention.  I want him to do what would make him happy today.  I want him to know that I think the world of him - I want him to know that I'm so danged proud of him.  I want him to know that I try not to worry about him, but instead trust that he can take care of himself, and trust his decisions - and know that I've been loving and supportive enough that he knows I'm always here for him if he needs me.

I want to be the kind of mother that is gentle with her words.  Not critical.  Always loving.  I want to plant seeds in his heart of joy, hope, love, wonder, caring, abundance and peace.  I don't ever want him to feel the obligation to call me, visit me, or spend time with me.  I want him to want to do that.  I'm over the moon that he does want that.

So, on a day that honors mothers, my heart seeks to be honorable.

I hope you seek that too.