So Much Gratitude - and a Giveaway

Y'all have no idea what an encouragement you've been to me.

It gets so very tiring trying to be perfect doesn't it?

I think so often - in the blogging world - there is a tendency to try to give an appearance of a perfect life.

Perfect husband, children, home - lovely meals eaten daily on a perfectly set table.

Good Lord.  You have to realize that's not reality, right?

Yesterday I had three hard boiled eggs for breakfast and an orange.  I ate it off the cutting board...ha!

And isn't it just a little creepy that I took a photo?  

I have it in the back of my mind that I want to do a photo journal of my food to answer the questions of 

'what the heck do you eat?'

The reality of my life is this - 

where there are chickens, there is poo.

where there are gardens, there are weeds.

where there are bees, there are stings.

where there are teenagers, there are attitudes.

where there are husbands, there are 'moments'.

It's just life.

I haven't the brain capacity, nor the time to be here trying to 'make believe'.

I personally believe that as a blogger, I have an obligation to present life the way it is.

It's bad enough we have to be faced with unrealistic body images while we check out our groceries, why do we need to log on to our favorite blogs only to log off feeling less than, or that we can never measure up to what they are presenting as their reality.

Ok - I'm going off on a tangent.

I came here today to thank you!

I'm sincerely so grateful for your comments, understanding and support.

Yesterday I did get the cards done!

I'd hoped to put them on Etsy this morning - but alas - I'm heading out for a day of fun with a friend, and I have to leave in a half an hour and I'm still in my pj's.

Here's a horrible picture of the cards - to give you an idea.

I thought they turned out super cute.

To thank you for all of your support - I want do do a giveaway of a set of four Mother Wilma note cards and a bottle of serum.

All ya have to do is leave a comment.  Make sure I have your email address too - SO many of you are 'noreplyblogger' email addresses and it breaks my heart at times that I can't reply to your comments.

Living a Happy Life

I think I'm safe in saying it's what we all long for - hope for -

to live a happy life.

Personally - I cannot live that life that I long for when I'm enslaved to things, or in poor health.

I cannot live that life when I'm smothering in my own home from clutter.

And I'm all about living my best life.

I have no idea where it comes from, but my soul rather demands it of me.

It's why I ditched my SmartPhone 8 months ago.

It's why I ditched wheat and dairy a couple of years ago.

It's why I ditched sugar a couple of weeks ago.

It's why I continue to declutter and live in simplicity.

It's why I have chickens, and bees and gardens.

It's why I blog.

I'm happiest when I'm sharing myself in the hopes that I can inspire someone else to find their happy life - and maybe - just maybe - it's on the same road that I'm traveling, and I like company.

Yesterday's blog made me feel vulnerable - but you know what?

I don't care.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of hiding things.

It is what it is.

I'm a sugar addict and I can eat a half dozen king sized Snickers bar within five minutes and still want more.

Is there inherently anything wrong with that?

I really don't think so - I mean - if you are happy living that way - then live that way.

I'm seriously not judging.  I'm not.

If what I'm about to say sounds the least bit sarcastic, please know - I'm seriously not wanting it to.

What I'm saying is - if you are overweight, and well, not happy about it - and if you notice that you seem to not be able to control your eating - but you want to eat it anyway - and you don't really care about what you are doing to your health - then I say - fine.  If you notice that you can have a slice of cake once in a while and it causes you no ill effect - so be it!  Enjoy!

I 

cannot.

Putting sugar in my tea in the morning keeps all of the cravings alive and well, and keeps me in a constant battle of wanting more.

A slice of birthday cake at a party causes fireworks in my brain, that I absolutely adore - and within days I'm at the drugstore candy aisle looking for some circus peanuts, Mike and Ike's or anything as sugary as possible to feed my addiction.

I really wish it weren't so.

But, alas - it is.

And then I go and go and feed that addiction in a frenzy - only to finally wake up in the proverbial gutter - feeling like a complete loser.

Why in God's name would I continue that behavior?

Maybe for some of you, it is like it is for Glenco.

He can open a candy bar - take a bite and leave it on the counter for days.

Of course - it never lasted days, cause I was here.

My left eye would twitch until that bar was gone.

How do you simply forget that you were eating a candy bar?

You might be saying - well what about artificial sweeteners, or things like those breakfast cookies that I see so often on Pinterest...sweetened with just a banana!

It's all the same for me - it's like an alcoholic switching to non alcoholic beers - the behavior is still there, I'm still giving my brain what it is demanding - and I won't have that!

I won't go on anymore right now - cause I just don't want to run this subject into the ground.

If you do want to talk more about it - please feel free to contact me. 

I'm just sharing my life here - and right now - this is my life.

But guess what?

I have no cravings right now whatsoever.

For that, I'm thankful.

It might change tomorrow, and I know that.

My mind is so much clearer - and you'll be glad to know that I'm working on making cards out of my drawings!  In fact - I may have some ready for sale as soon as tomorrow!  

I'm giving the credit for that to being sugar free....it seems like I can finally keep my thoughts in a row long enough to follow through with some things.

Life is better this way.

Spilling the Jelly Beans

See that picture right up there?

It literally makes my mouth water. 

I have to keep swallowing whilst I'm typing this.

If you've been a reader for any length of time - you've known about my weight struggles - I've been very open about them.

I'm here to say, that I still struggle.

I gained back 40 plus pounds during the nightmare of last year.

Now, I just have 25lbs to lose again.

And it will be lost.

It's definitely not something that is 'once and done'.

Food is an integral part of our lives.  It's our culture, it's our memories, it's our celebrations.

The dangerous part is when it becomes our friend, our comfort, our lover - or - our addiction.

I've had a very unhealthy relationship with food - a very unhealthy body image.  A couple of years ago

I felt like I 'got it' - like I was really on a roll with things - eating fabulous healthy food and it made me feel terrific.  But I was SO focused on the scale, so focused on what size pants I was wearing.

It was mortifying, debilitating and embarrassing to feel my pants getting tight once again.

  I have to say - I eat the way I eat now because it is a healthy way to live.  My thoughts as I fill up my grocery cart with pure, whole, real food - fruits, veggies, good quality meats - my thoughts are 'I don't want to die before my time' 'I want to feel good' 'I want to have energy' 'I don't want to get cancer'.

I really rarely think about my waist size.

I believe that it will take care of itself as long as I continue to eat this way.

I went from a size 26 to a size 4.

(the photo to the right is me in a size 8)

I mean - seriously - that's phenomenal.

But guess what?  I still felt fat.  I thought my thighs were flabby and my upper arms Aunt Bea like.

I was making peace with it though, and realized how twisted my thinking was when a friend asked me 'how did you feel at a size 4?' - and I replied 'I felt like I was getting there'.

I'm 5'8" and I was in a size 4.  What did I want to be?  A zero?

Getting there?  Did I want to evaporate?

I also thought my head looked much too thin and my ears stuck out.

My breasts were the size of kiwis.

Past their prime kiwis at that.

I think I should have stopped at a size 8.

Little people, why can't we just love ourselves?

I've openly said in the past that I'm a food addict - I'd like to clarify that today.

I'm a sugar addict.

The definition of addiction via Dictionary.com

ad·dic·tion

  

noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physicallyhabit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Origin: 
1595–1605;  < Latin addictiōn-  (stem of addictiō ) a giving over, surrender. See addict, -ion

I have no trouble whatsoever saying 'no thank you' to an extra helping of sauteed broccoli.

I can stop at one sweet potato.

I don't have an emotional attachment to cauliflower - although it's one of my favs.

But sugar? Or anything sugary?

Hold on.

I have no control, none whatsoever.

I go into a trance and I eat it til there is no more to eat.

I was so fooling with myself thinking that I could have a little here and there.  

I was fooling myself thinking that I could sweeten my tea without consequence.

And sweeten my tea I did.  I ate perfectly all the live long day - but just drank tea, and a lot of it - each mug had a heaping teaspoon of 'raw sugar' or honey.  So basically - my tea was like a hummingbird feeder.

Now, for some of you - this will sound familiar - and for others - perhaps the lucky ones - you'll find it ridiculous.

I couldn't be trusted in a drug store alone.

I needed to 'psych' myself up before I went anywhere alone.

The pull to Dairy Queen, Starbucks, or anywhere that sold my 'drug' of choice was such a temptation.

I would tell myself I could have one 'treat' a week.

Really, a treat?

Something that kills me - is a treat - I'm not even going to go there right now.

My once a week treat turned into five times a week, to five times a day.

Then I'd go cold turkey from sugar and buy some figs and dates, and end up with diarrhea because I would eat whatever I bought all up in one day, or one car ride home from the store.

Then I'd have six oranges in one day.

My brain chemistry was hijacked by sugar.

My brain demanded it - and I succumbed.

I could never last over a week or so.

It.always.won.

The truth is sugar is 8 times more addictive than cocaine.

The truth is - it was ruining my life.

I was a slave to my cravings.

My moods were affected by it.

I was not living the life I wanted to live.

I've been deep in denial - thinking I could somehow manage my addiction, but it was managing me.

The months of October through April are the worst for sugar addicts.

Good grief - Halloween, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter.

Give me a break!

My breaking point came about 2 weeks ago.

I went to Hobby Lobby. 

Alone.

Easter candy abounds.

The sweet, chewy jelly beans.

The soft Peeps.

The creamy nougats ensconced in chocolate.

I bought a half pound bag of jelly beans.

It was gone before I made the 20 minute trip home.

I was eating them as fast as I could - and hating myself with every mouthful.

I literally had no control.

I kept telling myself  'Jesus Jayme - you can have some of these tomorrow- you don't have to eat them all now'.  Ha.  I wish.  The sad truth is that if I had bought a pound bag of them, I would have eaten a pound - the same is true of a 2#, 3# - 10# bag.  However, the 10# bag may have lasted more than a day.

So, right then and there - I knew I was in some deep sh*t.

I knew I had just set myself up for a few days depression, bloating, brain fog, and general self loathing.

I went cold turkey.

Hard core cold turkey.

Like - what little processed food I do use (like a canned tomato sauce) I read the labels and make sure there is no sugar.  I drink my tea unsweetened.  I don't even trust myself with honey for the moment.  It's been two weeks since I've had a grain of sugar.   

I'm here to tell you the first few days were hell.

Drinking my beloved Tazo Awake tea without sugar?

What's the point of living?

I felt that I would have done shameful things for a Snickers bar.

But - I got through it.

Now...when I eat that orange?

It tastes like candy.

Oh - and I only allow myself one fruit a day.

Figs aren't allowed at the moment.

I'm a bit over dates - so I'm safe there.

My head has cleared, my mood stabilized.

I'm sleeping like a log, I've lost weight.

I don't have that bloated feel - my mind is sharper.

I have a lot of energy, and in general - everything in my life is much better.

I take it one day at a time.  I never want to get cocky again and think 'I got this'.

So far today-I've been sugar free.

I plan on going to bed tonight saying the same.

I feed myself real food three times a day, sometimes I have a snack.

It's always real food.  Protein, veggies.

I really enjoy my food - it's delicious!

I refuse to graze anymore - and I don't eat a few hours before bed.

I tell myself I'm beautiful no matter what size I am.

I like my life better sugar free.

I baked Glenco and Aaron some gluten free peanut butter cookies - and they smelled divine.

There was just a moment of a temptation - but it wasn't bad at all.

It wasn't demanding like it had been in the past.

I was in control.

For today - I'm just not willing to give up my life, my happiness, my well being, my health, and more importantly - my joy - 

for a flipping cookie.

If you feel that you struggle with this - I'd be more than happy to talk to you - support you in anyway I can.

Please feel free to write.

Seriously - life is much too short for this foolishness!

If you are one of the lucky, blessed, fortunate ones that doesn't struggle with a sugar addiction, please get on your knees right now and thank your Maker.

Amen.

What's Stopping You?

Just a simple question today - inquiring minds want to know.

What's stopping you from finding freedom in less?

Do you feel scared?

Overwhelmed?

Do you just flat out dislike the idea of minimalism and love your stuff?

I'm not judging at all!  Surely, you know me by now.

I'll say it - I love stuff.  I love decorating, I love changing things constantly, and 'making home'.  But the problem was - it seemed like it controlled me at times, and not the other way around.

I was constantly manipulating things - moving things, storing things.

You just get to a point where you wonder why am I doing this?

You start asking yourself questions like, could I really be happy without a massive Spring decor display?

I found the answer, for me - was yes.  Yes I could be happy, and in fact happier.

I had to face the fact that I was doing it cause I felt that it was expected of me - don't even know where that came from.  

I think I still have a lot of stuff, and I still think my house is warm and welcoming.  I'm not talking about living a stark life, I'm talking about the fact that I still have a piece of pottery right next to the computer with about 32 pens stuck in it.

Why?

I think fear has a lot to do with it.

Fear of lack.

There is something, somewhere in 'stuff' that gives us a false sense of security.

I'm not sure yet how to put it into words, and I haven't sat long enough to really find the words - I just know this.  Less is better for me.  Everyone else that has been on this journey has also found it to be true.

I'm not talking about getting rid of the family heirlooms, I'm talking about getting rid of 10 of your 15 wooden spoons int he kitchen - things like that.

Drawers and closets stuffed with clothes that you haven't worn in five years.

I'm getting an awful reputation for getting rid of things - and this past birthday I was given gifts, and as my friends were handing them to me - they'd say 'I hope you keep this' - or - 'there's a gift receipt if you don't want this'.

Perhaps I should be a little quieter about my recent obsession of 'getting rid of'.

But I just wanted to say this - some of the things that we feel we can't live without, are just truly killing us.

Recently - for the 58,502nd time - I gave up coffee.

Coffee is not evil.

Nor are milk and sugar.

But for me?

It wasn't a good thing at all.

I react badly to caffeine and after it's ingestion - I tend to think that I can conquer the world, not a bad thing - but when you get so worked up that you can't breathe well?  Not a good thing.

Milk - I'm allergic to milk proteins as well as lactose intolerant.

Sugar makes me completely ADHD.

And yet - I couldn't give it up - I wouldn't.  I clutched that coffee cup tightly - I was high strung, distracted and gassy.  

But for that 10 minutes every morning - I was happy.  I had my drug, I had my fix - and literally it was no different than shooting up.

I'm coffee, milk and sugar free.

I'm 99.2% clutter free.

I like life better this way.

So...what's stopping you?

Do you think you need to change anything about the way you live?

And Now For Something Completely Different

A little video for your chicken loving enjoyment.

Imagine - me - talking about chickens.

:-)

It's been a while!

I just absolutely cannot imagine living my life without something to love and nurture. 

 Something feathered or furred.  

As I sit here now, both my cats are flanking the laptop. 

 I'll step outside and be greeted by more cats and chickens. 

 Don't even get me started about goats.  I still have the deepest hankering for them.  I have outfits picked out and everything.  Alas, I do believe I've given up the dream of a milk cow, even though I still have a romantic attachment to the idea of it. 

Interestingly enough - horses have never entered my 'gotta have it' radar.  

I desperately want a baby Squirrel to bottle feed and wrap in swaddling clothes. 

 I'd love a pet crow. 

 But a horse?  Perhaps I've always realized a horse was more of a commitment than I would ever be able to make, financially and otherwise.

And the fact that they just plain scare the beejeebies out me doesn't help either I suppose.

They are beautiful, and I have the utmost admiration for them - but they'd be awfully hard to cuddle with, and I can't imagine dressing one like you could a baby goat.  It would just be awkward, and embarrassing to the horses.  Goats on the other hand, are just silly enough to pull off a good hat.

I know I'll have a dog again one day too, but just not yet.  

If I didn't have Glenco, or Aaron, or animals - where would I go with all of this love in my heart? 

The more I give, the more I find.

That alone boggles my mind.

Thank you for all of your kind, sister friend comments on my last post.  I feel the love and support!  Aaron's loving his job - and if I'm honest - I'd have to say, I'm enjoying a little alone time in my days again.

Thank you!

It's all good - really good.

Oops!  Almost forgot...here's that video.

Enjoy!

This Should Make Me Happy

I should be so happy right now - 

Aaron just pulled out of the driveway, heading to work - his very first day of his very first 'real job'.  

And you know nothing good can come of a job.

You get a job, you get a car - next thing you know you are in a relationship and well - you are all flipping grown up.

He's got a job at the Vanis Salon here - and for those of you not familiar with this area -

 it's one of the top salons, and might even be the top.

Go big or go home.

I should be happy that he's 18 years old and he's working, and he's happy, and beautiful.

He's not only working, but he's doing what he's always wanted to do.

I am happy.

I mean, I am - really - sorta kinda.

How Aaron still seems in my mind.

I made breakfast for him today and we sat at the island eating together.

I refrained from giving him advice.

I filled his to go mug with Zen tea.

I didn't want to embarrass him with a home packed lunch with love notes and such - so I gave him my debit card and told him that lunch was on me today.

I sit here now in my worn out Life is Good hoodie, clutching my heavily sugared Tazo Awake tea, feeling.

Feeling.

Feeling, what?

A little lost.

Left behind.

Again.

Luckily, I've more shenanigans planned than I can shake a stick at, and only plan on giving myself an hour this morning to drink tea in my pjs, stare out the window at the snow and ruminate over my heartache of Aaron growing up without my permission.

Perhaps we'll have days like this again.

It's the natural order of life - for it to go on - for the young to grow, and flourish, and struggle, and thrive.

For the old to get older - and grow, and flourish, and struggle and thrive.

For the young to get old, for the old to pass.

But that doesn't mean I have to like it!

And so here I sit again, with a lukewarm cup of tea, a worn hoodie and a heart and mind full of memories. 

A heart full.  Pride, heartache, sadness, anticipation, and joy.

Memories of...

Legos and laughter.

School work.

Tears over scraped knees.

Missing teeth.

Arthur.

Sponge Bob.

Shenanigans.

I want a do over.

Bewildered

Sell your cleverness, buy bewilderment.

-Rumi

OK

I'll admit it - the snow and the cold is a bit much.

But.

This is what I know.

Can I change it?

Nope.

So I shan't complain.

Not one bit.

I won't complain when my face feels like it's going to fall off when I pump gas.

I won't complain when I wade in 2-3' snow drifts that Mother Nature sees fit to  rearrange 

every day with the wind.

The chickens must eat.

Now, that right there is passive aggressive complaining.

: -)

Of course I don't like traveling in this weather, or the inherent danger that those I love are in 

when they travel.

It can at times, be completely inconvenient and honestly, deadly.

And of course, I'd prefer a warm summer day with vine ripe tomatoes, and fresh zinnias on the table.

But...

I really do like this too.

You know what my main thought is throughout all of this?

WOW!

Epic!

Amazing!

Beautiful!

Awe inspiring!

I mean - really?  Some areas around me have had 90 to 100 inches this winter.

That's just epic.

It's a winter we'll all remember fo' sho.

I for one am impressed, amazed and bewildered at the power of nature and the resiliency of the human spirit.

Spring is coming, just as it has every year-but until then - why not just look out your window and be bewildered?

*disclaimer*

The lack of warm, humid air and dirty fingernails may or may not have taken it's toll on the author's neurological state, causing a mental euphoric state over winter.  If said author of this blog keeps yammering away about how lovely winter is, an intervention may be necessary.  Please approach author carefully - preferably carrying beach bags and/or packets of flower seeds.  A sudden jolt of reality that there is indeed a Polar Vortex could have negative consequences.

It's Possible

Former 300lb Jayme - finishes Half Marathon.

This is just a friendly Monday morning reminder that all things are possible.

Is your heart broken?

Healing is possible.

Are you 300lbs?

Health is possible.

Are you broke, busted and disgusted?

Prosperity is possible.

Are you experiencing the darkness of depression?

Happiness is possible.

How do I know this?

It's all happened to me - 

and I've survived - 

and despite what you may think - 

there's really nothing super special about me.

I'm just stubborn as a mule.

You can be too.

Get up.

Get after it.

PS - fresh batch of serum going on Etsy today - a pox upon me for not having it up sooner, after my last post!

Craftopia -or - Why Winter Isn't Long Enough (Sometimes)

What do you do when you are in the middle of a Polar Vortex and are snowed in more often than not?

Put your hands to the spindle, that's what.

Here's a sampling of what I've been up to lately - 

In between tearing the house apart and scrubbing things with a toothbrush....

And celebrating my 52nd birthday...

And keeping the chickens alive during the Vortex...

I've been up to a few things.

Don't hate - but I actually have that panicked feel in my gut that I won't get everything finished I'd hoped to before it's gardening time, and oh - how anxious I am to get back into the garden.

I've gone on a bit of a houseplant frenzy - I have one for every 50sq feet of house now. 

Did you know that Lowe's has a clearance rack for plants?  Some, if not most are goners, but once in a while you can find a good one - like this one - for $3.

A little Epsom salts, a little love, an episode or two of Downton Abbey - it'll be just fine.

I've been trying to get out and get photos of the lovely snow we've had.

And boy, have we had it - over 30" this month so far, and 10 more due Saturday.

I miss photography.  I wish I would take it more seriously again.

Yes, those are extensions!  Aaron's been having fun with my hair.

I've been knitting - knitted myself that hat right up there - I need to find the pattern and post it - it was super easy - it knits flat, and then you sew it up the back.  I posted this picture on Facebook and got a few comments about my skin - this is unretouched and I turned 52 last week.  I swear it's my skin serum (available on Etsy! - look at the bar on the right), the fact that I've never smoked, and some good genetics from my momma.

I knitted a scarf for Glenco - he was woefully unprepared for the Vortex.

And you saw the scarf I made for Aaron...

I've also made a few rag quilts.

I just finished this one yesterday - for my sister Vivian in Missouri.

I made this one for Aaron - 

I made one for my sister too - but didn't get a pic.  : -/

Some miscellaneous things I've made....

My first attempt at wool felting - it was a total fluke that the head turned out so good...in fact, the legs are a nightmare, and that's why it's in bed, covered up.  It's a paraplegic raccoon.

It was a gruesome accident, involving a trap.

This was a lot of fun to make.  I made the bed, a little oval rug to go under it - and found that little shotgun at Hobby Lobby.  My cousin Jim is a coon hunter - and I made this for him.

I made this paper mache sculpture for my friend Gina - it symbolizes her grandson, the apple of her eye.

I made this pillow for my sweet friend Renee, fellow Glamper.

Took a quick photo right before it got wrapped up!

I made this pillow for myself - I'm not entirely sure why I made a pillow that said "go" - but it just seemed like what I needed at the time I made it.

I've whipped up a new batch of serum, and have made a delightful, all natural, organic body butter!

Stay tuned for info on that soon.

And last but not least - just a teaser for now - cause it deserves it's very own blog post - 

My mouse house.

So ya see, winter just isn't long enough at times - and we haven't even started talking about books, and all of those that beg to be read.

I've much to learn about the bees this winter.

So I say - let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!